----- Original Message ----- 

"They said they'd be happy to deal with the Jane and Mary for a week or

so.

(sigh) I'll write this off as alt-verse, or are the twins adopted? 'Coz

here's my own little 'nitpick'.

<nitpick> It's been discussed, at great length, about how Supes could

never have children with Lois. He, after all, is another species separate
from Homo Sapien, so the rough equivalent of Supes mating with Lois is Becky
the circus hand fornicating with the circus gorilla. It's, quite literally
sodomy. A hole that's wasn't made to be poked at with Supes super rod. D.C.
comics themselves can back me up on this... Kryptonians can only mate with
Kryptonians. Supes having superbabies with Lois is super-wrong and
impossible under normal mating conditions. Obviously DNA-manipulated babies
are in order, but that's another nerdy discussion to be opened in another
nerdy day. My point is that Superman-Lois babies are a no-no. But who cares,
right? This is just a fanfic! Go crazy! Besides, if the TV networks had any
say on it, they'd go for the super babies thing. It was just FYI, anyway.
</nitpick>

This is actually from a specific "shared universe" in where it has been
discussed that Kryptonian's are basically humans with a an added
"super-aura". This aura (or portions of it) can be given to normal humans.
Strangely, this is semi-cannonical, as in the L&C universe, Lois and a
couple of random people were given Superman's powers. The only thing changed
in this L&C universe is that cloning doesn't allow you to make a superman
(directly against continuity, ie. Vatman) and the aura eventually comes back
after a long time.

If you are interested, you can read up on this universe here at
http://www.geocities.com/supermanunbound/index.html

And we should be back by then." The winsome reporter smiled at her

husband.

"Besides, they raised you. I think they can handle their grandchildren

for a

while."

That's right, Supes. Keep an eye on Hatcher-Lane, lest she becomes a

desperate housewife, believe it or not.

That was a groaner.

"They're perfectly normal kids. I'm sure she'll have them in the play pen
watching TV while she knits or whatever she's got as a project this

year."

Lois was finally able to grab her luggage. She made a show of heaving

them,

even though for her, they were almost weightless.

Somebody was sitting too close to the lightning rod-like TV antenna while

having super-nookie with Superman? I say it's super-nookie, 'coz I don't
want to go there with super-sodomy, nopenopenope.

Her powers returned after a long time. So Lois is "Ultra Woman" again, the
strongest woman in the world.

"Nerima. That's one of the areas of the city to the northwest. Used to be
its own city or town, but got swallowed up by the greater Tokyo

metropolitan

area."

There was a recent debate about this in the FFML, but as for me? I was

more interested in the viability of Supes and Lois procreating, so I ranted
about that instead.

Um, thanks! ;)

"Well, that's why he pay us the big bucks."

"Well, that's why he pays us the big bucks."

Oops. Missed that, I think.

"So, Leonard, what information do you have on this mystery girl?" Lex

Luthor

asked as he exited a private airplane.

Suggest: his private airplane

No, "a" is actually correct. This Luthor is wanted by the US government, so
he's not flying around in his own airplanes.

He let himself be led towards an

unobtrusive entrance that was not used by the public.

Gretchen followed Lex and Leonard quietly, her mind working overtime. She
listened very attentively. Behind them were two of Lex's body guards from
Mexico.

Lex: It's my new reality show. Leonard was last year's winner, and

Gretchen's last seasons. Trump's got nothing on me.

Actually, his "base" of operation is in a border town in Mexico, near the
Rio Grande. So the mention of his Mexican bodyguards was pretty specific.

"Another one like those GI Jane and Ultra Woman dames, eh?" he replied.

How old is Leonard? A hundred? Who uses the word 'dames' outside of George

Burns and Ol' Blue eyes anyway?

It's a L&C thing from what I remember. They would sometimes use things like
that.

"Well, it seems like this girl is active in just one of the local wards

or

boroughs of the city. Place named Nerima. No heavy industries to speak

of,

just homes and such out there. Overgrown bedroom community."

It's been said in the debates that no, Nerima isn't a bedroom community

where everybody knows your name. I have no idea of the viability of the
statement, but it might do you good to look it up just in case. It's for the
believability and authenticity of the fanfic, after all.

>From some pictures that were shown, actually. Apartments, houses and small
street-side markets.

"My Engrish is good! Questions you ask?" Yuka said in a twitter.

Heh. Amusing.

"Yes, we're reporters-" the tall man said.

"Report? My Engrish report got B+!" she enthused right back. She was
obviously falling into the normal pastime of any semi-competent English
speaker in Japan, practicing her English on some hapless Americans.

LOL. Though it would be nice if this went both ways...

Clark, in perfect Japanese, asked in shock, "He threw a martial arts

attack

that blasted some kid right through a wall?"

Curiously, even though this is Super-freakin' Superman, I have to ask...

Where the hell did Clark learn Japanese? Can this be backed up by some
random issue? Or did you make it up? Ultimately, it's just curiosity getting
the best of me, but generally speaking making a person conveniently know a
foreign language for no good reason except "It's because he's Super-freakin'
Superman!" is a copout and bad writing.

In L&C, Clark could speak hundreds of languages. His normal recourse for
fast food is to go to (insert country) and pick up take out. In about ten
minutes (and most of that was waiting for the food.) He would chat with the
guys at the takeout counter in their language.

"So I understand. You've had a very exciting week, I take it?" Clark

asked

as he scribbled a note on his notepad.

"Very!"

Ranma slipped off at that point. Those Americans seemed like they were

going

to be some trouble, he thought as he started to hop from roof to roof on

his

way back to the Tendo Dojo. He might have to do something to protect his
'secret' identity. Maybe a helmet or mask. That Ultrawoman wore a mask,

so

that may work.

A spandex suit and a cape without a mask can work wonders in concealing

your identity in the DC world... as opposed to making you stand out like a
sore thumb and still be recognized at the crazy spandex-and-cape-wearing kid
who incidentally can fly.

Just trying to work with prior continuity! ;)

Clark blinked in surprise as he saw a young man hopping across the

rooftops

on his way somewhere with some groceries. Something looked odd with his
jumps, he thought. He wasn't damaging the roofs with his thirty-foot

jumps.

It was oddly a bit like that ninja he had fought years ago.

Nice. There we go. Mr. Kent fought a ninja. So did he become suddenly

interested in Japanese culture during this time or has he been going to many
more Japan trips that I couldn't remember in the original Lois and Clark
series? Perhaps this is fanfic retroactive continuity in the author's part?
Inquiring minds must know.

This Clark was always interested in "human" cultures. He wandered around the
world before going to Metropolis (this is where he picked up all the
languages and where to get the best take-out across the world.)

Lois said goodbye to Yuka and then turned to her distracted husband.

"Seeing

something interesting?"

Suggest: "Saw something interesting?"

Yeah, even though your version may be technically 'more' correct (Clark is

currently seeing something of interest), the sentence, IMO, just sounds
wrong. Suggest revising.

"Something interesting?" is probably best, I think.

Lois blinked at that. "Better? Didn't that guy cut Superman?"

"Well, I think that was a magic knife or something, but yeah."

Ah, yes. The _other_ Superman weakness... magic. Theoretically, Eternal

Sailormoon has the capabilities to lay the smackdown on Supes.

Well, depending on how you apply the magic. Making a big magical fire blast,
Supes can probably survive that. Turning him into a turnip, well, he's in
trouble.

"Lex Corp. would be interested in possibly paying for any information you
might have about her. Say where she lived, how to get a hold of her. Who

her

friends are. That sort of thing. We might even be able to reimburse you

for

a significant amount of the fee you payed for your, um, training you

paid

Thank you!

Also, the Ultra Soldier thing works basically the same as the Marvel Super

Soldier Serum?

No, it's actually a percentage of "superman" abilities. The Ultra Soldier
process is about 5% of superman's ability and can't do things like flying
and no heat vision.

But very strong, tough and fast. Like twenty-five times normal human with
extended life span (though that isn't known in this time frame.)

Also, I have to say congratulations. The pacing of the fic is decent and

the narrative prose doesn't compel me to tear my eyeballs out. The bit of
realism with Yuka, Sayuri, Lois and Clark on language barriers was a nice
touch.

It was finally Saturday and Ranma was going to be leaving in just a few
hours for a military base where he would get flown to the United States.

But

for now, Ranma and Akane were just walking home silently. An

uncomfortable

silence had grown between them.

Akane finally broke the quiet. "I wish I could go with you."

Ranma grimaced. "I don't. I'm not a big fan of doctors. Most of 'em are
quacks."

She smiled wistfully at him. "But it's a grand adventure. I've never been
further than the beach or the mountains on vacation. And you've been to
China and you're going to the U.S."

Hmmm. So is this an alternate, Ranma-is-nice-to-Akane-and-vice-versa thing

going on? I guess it's possible, and I'll probably have to do some
re-reading on the earlier chapters to find out how that came to be.
Generally speaking, though, without Takahashi's little stunt on Akane and
Ranma, Akane _can_ be very congenial to Ranma. Still, I'd expect Akane to be
a bit peeved about Ranma's arrogance if anything else. He is quite the
blowhard. On the other hand, your Ranma might be nicer than canon Ranma,
which is okay just as long as you don't let it tread avatarish waters.

Ranma has had to learn to deal with things slightly differently. He thought
he killed some people and nearly died at the Joketzu village (superman's
power + hyrio shotan ha = nearly dead Ranma that was blasted straight up
into space.) He's a bit skittish and really feels he owes his father a bit,
as Genma surprised Ranma and saved his life.

"Adventure is way over rated,"

overrated

TY!

Ranma heard the sound of a van door being slid open, even as it screamed
danger to him. He started to crouch when a man in an all black commando

type

outfit blurred through the smoke at them. The crackle of his tazer was
covered by the cracks and pops of firecrackers. The martial artist was

hardy

and tough, but the jolt through the tazer was designed to stop large men,
not slight young ones.

I'm a bit divided on this one, but since Ranma's been known to get knocked

down when blindsided and sucker punched, why not? So he gets it via a tazer.
So much for him being a cause of concern for Supes, who'd sooner develop
electricity-based powers from the tazer than be K.O.ed by the device.

Only Ranma's cursed form has super-powers. He's "just" a really great
martial artist as a guy. Talk about being a bit humbling. The guy he was
facing was faster, tougher and stronger than him and could have probably
beat him into the ground in a "fair" fight.

With no effort, the commando-garbed man tossed the two, stunned, young
adults into the van with casual super-strength.

"Drive, Leonard. We got what we came for," Sancho said as he started to

tie

the two martial artists up with quick ties from the American Police. The
high tech kevlar and plastic zipps

I can't make a grammar correction on words I'm not familiar with, so what

the hell is a 'zipp'?

Those plastic-type ties that police sometimes use instead of handcuffs.
Reworked it a bit.

Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah. It was pretty good. Much better than the science

club

Nitpick, suggest: Science Club

"Pretty melted," Lois noted. "I think that's a Mitsu-Lex trigger. You

said

some kids made this?" she asked Diasuke.

Daisuke

"Nope. No one's claimed they did it. Which is odd, as usually it's

bragging

rights to do something this big. There was so much smoke and flashes you
couldn't even see ten feet in front of you!" Diasuke frowned as he

thought

Daisuke frowned...

Er, dang it. It's been little while since I worked on Ranma fanfics. Shows
me from working directly from memory.

Not that I could even *find* him in the FAQ for Ranma.

"Work, of course." Lois turned to Clark. "That ties in with the rumors

that

some of Lex's bully boys were noising around-"

I think what you meant was 'nosying' but unfortunately 'nosying' isn't a

word. As it is, though, it sounds like Lex's bully boys were making lots of
noise.

Hmm. I will have to work on something. Maybe "poking around".

Rising Sun almost couldn't hear them over the interference. A sensor on

her

helmet was signaling a large increase in heat, even as she realized that

the

very air was burning out of her way. The plasma storm subsided subsided

as

Repetition of the word 'subsided'

Hmm.

he left the atmosphere.

"Repeat, Rising Sun, can you hear me?" Jade Garden called again.

"Yes, I can hear you. I need a link to OZ now. I believe to people have

been

I believe two people...

Correct.

kidnapped due to an Ultra situation."

"Roger that! You rattled a lot of windows in Nerima taking off like that.
You even managed to break your speed record too. MACH 4.34 with that

stunt

in the atmosphere. Now you are leveling off at 800 gravities in outer
space," the operator said. "Connecting you to OZ."

Aw, no special code words? :) "Yellow brick road online. Oz, come in Oz...

this is Kansas speaking, over. Code Orange: There's no place like home. I
repeat... Code Orange: There's no place like home. Over."

It's supposed to be an elite military things, so most of the jargon is
military with "cute" code-names specific to them.

"One second, General. Rising Sun, you need to slow down. You are going to

too

fast to reenter the atmosphere safely. I repeat, slow down for reentry,"

the

radar operator called out loudly.

"Roger!" Rising Sun confirmed. She hated to slow down, but even as

powerful

as she was, she would not survive that.

Survive what?

Suggest: replacing 'that' with 'reentry at incredible speeds' or something

of the sort.

Hmm. It wasn't obvious enough from the previous conversation?

"She's doing better after her latest chemotherapy. The doctor have high

doctor has

Think that should have been "doctors have" actually.

hopes that her Leukemia will finally go into remission."

"I just hope that the treatment that Luthor Medical Industries pioneered
doesn't keep getting bogged down in paperwork. Too many other people need
the help that your daughter is getting," Lex said with convincing

sincerity.

Yeah, sounds about right. Very Lex Luthor.

A+ slimebag. Yup! ;)

"Like babies. They won't wake up until we are on the The Retreat. Then we

Unnecessary repeat of the word 'the'. Just get rid of the uncapitalized

'the'.

GAH!

"I'm going to live forever. I think my conscious can handle a few

qualms."

conscience

Overall? For something so short, it's quite well-written, save for the

little spelling errors here and there. It's not a general rule to make a
chapter longer than this, but as it is the balance of pacing and content
fits with the amount of kilobytes this fic has. Kudos to you on that
department. I have not much to say on the plot department. Instead of a
bitchy nitpicking editor, you've instead lured the reader in me outside,
letting him hang on every word your fic spews out. Simply put, I'm now just
a reader waiting for the next installments of this fic. Very good story, and
very good presentation of your story. Though this isn't one of the best
stories in the FFML at present, this is certianly one of the better ones
that shouldn't be overlooked by those Superman comic fans in general. Please
do keep on writing... Abdiel out.

Thanks! That's very nice of you! :) Feedback is always appreciated,
especially when it points out problems I've missed.

Arthur Hansen.


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