I'd better open by saying that I had a strongly
negative reaction to some of your SM backstory
interpolations.  I will _try_ to separate these
reactions from concrete suggestions on the story itself,
by separating the former out with <soapbox></soapbox>
tags.

However, it's also worth noting that where one reader
tells you he feels a certain way, maybe ten others who
also feel the same way WON'T tell bother to tell you...


Quoting John Garrett <johnny.gman@gmail.com>:

You can begin the story from the beginning by
clicking here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2357156/1/

So far, we've witnessed Ranma's thoughts on the
failed wedding, his fiancees, and his comprehension
that he has no idea what love is.
Let's see what the Senshi are up to...

Good.  Very good.  The necessary pointers are here,
without any extra flourishes.

The thought of what was to come was really
depressing.  It wasn't the situation itself, but
rather the painful memories it engendered.

There was a dull ache within her chest as her mind
wandered back to the Moon Kingdom.

Up to this point I was with you.  But then...

At first she thought the pain was merely
psychological, but Pluto soon realized it had taken
on a physical manifestation.

This just strikes me as very fuzzy phrasing.  What do
you mean?  Her depression gave her a bullet wound?
Her worries gave her an ulcer?  Her brain is bleeding?

 She had suppressed her memories for so long by
creating a solid barrier between them and her
conscious mind.

Again, fuzzy:  she had a surgeon open her skull and
insert a metal plate between two sections of her brain?
"Solid barrier" as a metaphor for "repression" isn't
working for me.

Now, the purpose of the upcoming meeting had caused a
small pinprick to appear in her defenses and long-
buried emotions were beginning to slowly creep out.

Much better; I know what this means, and can feel for
her.

<soapbox>
However, the entire idea that Mamoru's proposal to
Usagi, a major step on the way to Crystal Tokyo, and
therefore something Sailor Pluto has supposedly been
striving to ensure happens, causes her this much pain
is rupturing my willing suspension of disbelief.
</soapbox>

A quick image of a handsome face, the deep baritone
sound of a laugh, the shiver on her skin from an
intimate touch, gradually these memories threatened
to overwhelm her senses.  Summoning up all of her
willpower, she forced them down.  Even as she did
though, Pluto understood that it was only temporary.
She was going to have to face them again all too soon.

This is pretty good, I thought.  It's worth noting, 
though, that this is one of the key fulcrums of your
story, and that any additional improvements in this
paragraph pay you big dividends.  Try to make your
readers feel the way Setsuna felt when she shivered to
that intimate carress.

Long ago, she had been both Sailor Pluto and Setsuna
Meioh, both a Senshi and a woman.

<soapbox>
Whoa!  Pluto's civvie name during the Silver Millenium
was Setsuna Meioh, a recognizably Japanese name?!  Now
wait... it's canonical that Usagi, at least, and maybe
others (I can't remember) had a different civvie name
during the Silver Millenium.  Why would Pluto have the
same name?  HOW did Pluto have the same name?  Names
were that similar to today's however many millenia
ago?
</soapbox>

As she made her way to the couch, where she planned
to sit on the end farthest from where Haruka and
Michiru were currently snuggling,

This gave me pause.  Her agitation is sufficient to
push her away from her fellow Outers?  On the other
hand, this would be very effective in portraying her
inner agitation, given different handling.  Suggest
that Setsuna NOT plan it; her plan was to sit with
Haruka and Michiru, as she usually would; but face to
face with the snuggling, she abruptly turns away and
sits elsewhere before she can stop herself, then
realizes that she's just given away her agitation to
the others.

'Then I can get the hell out of here.'

Not sure whether you're using this rough language to
indicate Setsuna's agitation, or whether you're
suggesting that she always thinks to herself like this.
This isn't icy language, though.  If I were writing this
myself, I'd go for icy:

  'And then I shall leave, quickly.'

but this Setsuna is your character.

The rough language, and her general attitude here, point
to another emerging problem, though.  Your stated intent
is that Setsuna is one of your two main protagonists.
But, at this point, I don't care what happens to 
Setsuna, because I'm not seeing a person I like.  I
suspect it might work better for your end goal if
Setsuna were gracious to all the other characters in
this scene, despite obviously being in pain.

More than likely it was the look of fury on Setsuna's
face that caused the cat to trail off.  'How dare
he?!' she thought.  'Who does he think I am, one of
these ignorant schoolgirls?'

And exactly what set this fury off?   First she was
depressed and unsociable, now she's struggling to
suppress anger?

Again, to me the anger works against your goal of
getting your readers to care about what happens to
Setsuna.

"What's that?" Minako Aino, known to those in the
room as Sailor Venus, 

<clip>

...Makoto Kino, the brown-haired Sailor Jupiter.

Apparently you're expected some readership who doesn't
know the Senshi.  This is a little irritating to those
of us who do, although thankfully you don't spend much
time on it.

"You called a meeting just to tell us that?" Rei
Hino, the black-haired Sailor Mars, asked with a
snort.  Despite her seemingly condescending attitude,
everyone could tell she was genuinely happy for their
leader.

You're telling rather than showing.  How about:

  "You called a meeting just to tell us that?" Rei
  Hino asked with a snort.  She couldn't conceal her
  grin for long, though, and soon she was with the
  other girls in ooh-ing and aah-ing over Usagi's ring.

His musings were interrupted when he first felt, and
then saw, nine sets of eyes focused on him.  Looking
around, he found that the eight remaining Senshi, as
well as Mamoru, were all eyeing him expectantly.

<clip>

"Fine," Artemis grumbled.  "But if Setsuna gets angry
about this, I'm making sure she understands you
forced it out of me."

Heh.  This was amusing.  But I think it could be funnier
still if you worked at the timing a bit.

"Most everyone else was afraid of me because of my
powers."  Haruka and Michiru wrapped the young girl in
an embrace to convey that it was no longer like
that.  Hotaru gladly melted into their arms.

(Cough, cough!)  H&M don't have the grace to look even
the slightest bit guilty here?!

"Well, she had to watch the destruction of the Moon
Kingdom and then live alone for over a thousand
years.  I'm sure that would be enough to change
anyone."

Using the dub's cursory dating, I see.  Well...

<soapbox>
Generally a bad idea, unless you're willing to do a LOT
of historical research.  Most fanfic authors push SM
backstory to Atlantis-like prehistory, because they
either don't want to do that historical research, or
they don't believe a circa 1000 C.E. dating for the
Moon Kingdom and the Earth Kingdom can be made
believable.  I recall one author doing a lot with a
hidden Earth royalty, descendants of Atlantis; Merlin;
and transit to and from the Moon solely via magic gates.
In his stories the "Moon Kingdom" wasn't much more than
the palace itself.

I had an idea once (which I've never really developed)
for having Mamoru's "Moonlight Knight" persona be his
"real" historical one, "Endymion" being the oldest son
of the Abbasid Caliph in Baghdad.  (The Abbasid
Caliphate being the most powerful state on Earth in
1000 C.E.)

You get the idea.  Without a LOT of work, dating the
S/M at 1000 C.E. is going to knock a lot of your
audience out of their suspension of disbelief right
there.  Since it doesn't look like you're even going to
dwell on the Silver Millenium particularly, I strongly
suggest you not give any dates at all.
</soapbox>

"What could possibly do that?" asked Ami Mizuno, the
intellectual, albeit na�ve, Sailor Mercury.

My guess is you put this in, again, for the benefit of
possible readers who don't know the Senshi.  But to
those of us who do, this strikes me as authorial
intrusion.  If it's important that readers know this
about Ami, then SHOW it.

"I can't remember what he looked like, but I remember
that he was usually with her and that when he was
they were always smiling."

"He?!" Minako shouted.  "You can't possibly be
suggesting what I think you are."

You lost me here, completely.  Did Minako think Setsuna
was lesbian or something?  Or too icy-hearted to ever
have been married?  I just don't get this reaction at
all.  I'd have thought it'd be:

  "He?!" Minako shrieked.  "A boyfriend?!  Setsuna had
  a boyfriend back then?  No, no; even better!  A
  husband?!  Were they married?!"  With a grin splitting
  her face, Minako leaned closer.  "Tell, tell!"  she
  demanded.

Artemis nodded to Luna to allow her to finish the
story.

Given what Artemis went through, "allow" isn't the
word I'd use there.  "Beg", maybe, or "plead with".

"He died," the black cat said softly.  "He fell
defending the Queen during Beryl's last attack."

<soapbox>
They ALL died.
</soapbox>

"B-But," Usagi cried, "isn't it possible my mother
sent him forward in time the same way she sent us?"

"No," Artemis replied, picking up the conversation
again.  "You have to understand, the reason your
mother was able to send all of us forward is due to
the tie we all had to her through the Silver
Crystal.  Because of that connection, she was able to
use its power on us to send us to this time.  Kadono,
that was his name by the way, didn't have any such
connection."

I'm following this so far...

"Kadono was a traveler from another galaxy.  He was
immortal, much like your Senshi forms are, and he had
been on a knowledge journey for over a thousand years
before he had come to the Moon Kingdom."

My first reaction here was a cringing "MUST you use
aliens indistinguishable from humans in this story"?
But then I remembered season 5 and the corresponding
issues of the manga.  Okay, humans from other worlds is
in the original material.  Still... IS it necessary for
Ranma to have been from a whole 'nother galaxy?  A one
thousand-year journey seems way too short if he's from
that far away.

"He was a warrior, and was constantly seeking out new
training methods to increase his abilities."

And here we see the connection with the Ranma we know.

"Surely he wasn't as powerful as us though," Makoto
said with a hint of pride.

The roar of laughter that Artemis and Luna let out

<clip>

"He could take out any of you in single combat," she
snickered.  "With Saturn's power, if one of you
teamed up with her, it usually ended in a
standstill.  With the rest of you, it would always
take at least three to match him, and even then it
was a toss up."

Don't get the "roar of laughter".  They're describing
someone more-or-less of the same order of magnitude of
power.  Ranma beat them two or three on one, not easily
crushing all nine at once.

So why do Luna and Artemis think Makoto's mistake is
that funny?  This is a slightly older kid's reaction to
little kid's "My dad could beat up Bruce Lee", not an
adult's reaction to a loss of memory.

<soapbox>
Of course, the way you threw Saturn in there doesn't
really make sense itself.  She's probably at least ten
times as powerful as any of the other senshi, bar Usagi.
</soapbox>

"Besides," Ami added quietly, "even if she had,
Setsuna would be able to find him through the Gates
of Time.  The fact that she hasn't means that he
wasn't sent forward."

I began to get a bit disquieted here...

"Wait," Rei said incredulously.  "You're telling us
that Setsuna married a guy that made her job nearly
impossible?"

Why did this make her JOB nearly impossible?  Was he
in league with Beryl or something?

Actually, if you think about it, this is precisely
who somebody who could normally see the future WOULD
marry:  someone who could still surprise her.  Every
other man would eventually become too boring.

Because it wasn't just that the time-space around him
was invisible, all potential possibilities for the
future that came forth wherever he was present tended
to branch out wildly.

Ah, I see now:  Rei knew in advance what Artemis was
going to add.  It seems she can predict the future
fairly well herself.

This does, however, provide us with some interesting
fodder for future chapters.  History may already be
way off course to Crystal Tokyo, without Setsuna being
aware of it, solely due to Ranma's presence.

"So you really think he's gone forever?" Hotaru asked
quietly, finally breaking the silence.

And now the source of my disquiet is realized.
<soapbox>
The whole "Serenity sent their dead souls to the
future on Earth" business relies on Buddhist concepts of
reincarnation.  Absent any further cosmological and/or
eschatological explanation about souls (which you
haven't provided), EVERYBODY reappears sometime in the
future.  They just don't normally remember anything, or
look the same.  All Serenity's spell did was manipulate
normal reincarnation a little.

Think a moment about the alternative:  if the SM cosmos
is built on Judeo-Christian-Muslim concepts, Serenity's 
spell is a monstrous, evil distortion of nature:  she
grabbed souls on their way to heaven and sent them
elsewhere.  I don't know about you, but I wouldn't like
to live in a cosmos where something like that was
possible.
</soapbox>

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'