Damn. I almost missed this. It's supposed to come after my critique of your first fic. Anyway, better late than never.
Hello. I've got some C&C here. I've got to warn you, though, I am only familiar with the Ranma parts of this story, so it will depend on your skills as a writer on how you present the other unfamiliar series for me to understand the rest of this fic. I'm also C&Cing as I read, so... there. Ikimasu.
Oh, and of course... please fix formatting.
On Wed, 16 Mar 2005 12:18:06 -0800 (PST), Gallagher Peter <pikablu116@yahoo.com> wrote:
"Flesh... Bone..."
Ellf Productions Presents
"Bound together by the oddest magickal
incantations..."
A fanfic by Peter Gallagher
"This book is where it began oh so long ago..."
Based upon the original characters created by Silicon
Knights and
Rumiko Takahashi
"My name is Doctor Edward Roivas, I am a clinical
psychologist, I am
also dead..."
I have no idea if these little blurbs in the middle of the title and disclaimer are actually part of the fic or part of your sig. It would do good for you to clarify... If it's part of your sig, never mind. If it's part of your fic, then don't put it with the title and disclaimer.
It's an interesting opening though, if it's used properly. As it is, it's just confusing.
*******************************
Eternal Darkness: Sanity Halved
*******************************
"This is not my story, nor is it even the story of the
Roivas family.
It is the story of humanity..."
A book sat upon a shelf, seemingly made up of skin,
Suggest: Simply attaching a txt attachment to Yahoo instead of pasting the fic on the message body, because your formatting has been ruined by Yahoo's auto-format function.
and it had a rune
on the sash holding the book closed.
Suggest: Get rid of the 'and' and start this part of the first sentence as a whole new sentence.
"Like it or not, believe it or not as you will. Your
perceptions will
not change reality, but simply color it..."
Nice dialogue. Almost poetic.
"Their attention shifts from my Granddaughter,
Alexandra Roivas, to my
Grandson, Ranma Saotome. This is one aspect I had not
prepared for..."
Hmmm. I get the feeling that this fic is a better read than your Sailor Ranko effort. Probably because I am unfamiliar with the second 'series', but meh. Though it'd be better for you to have a critique from someone who's familiar with... (reads the caption above) the original characters of Silicon Knights, C&C is C&C. Here you go.
The view shifts to the book once more. The book opens
to a page that
has writing and a photo of a group of women following
what appears to
be a little gnome with a bag that has women's
unmentionables in it.
Sweet-O. Rumiko Takahashi's manga is spread far and wide, it has even crossed the boundaries of dimensions and fanfic...
---------------------------------------------
Prelude: Hey, is it Time for the Parade Again?
---------------------------------------------
The picture transformed from an old-fashioned
photograph to a full
color motion.
(wince) Um, suggest not going with that paragraph. Television/Motion Picture imagery in prose (the camera zoomed, there's a half-shot of Ranma, then a close-up, his face and image blurred as he reminisced... that sort of stuff) is a no-no. As such, I highly suggest scrapping this little paragraph altogether.
"What a haul! What a haul!" The old gnome cackled
with glee as he ran
away from the ladies.
Again, there's this anime-ish feel your fic has that would be better punctuated by consistency on whether you're following the dub or the sub. If both, you better back up and decide which, 'coz really there's a difference between the two that's jarring. to me, at least.
A pigtailed young man walking on the fence while he
was eating an apple
spotted the gnome. He furrowed his brow and tossed
the red fruit at
the old man. The apple struck the man's leg, causing
the man to trip.
With the man prone upon the ground, the women quickly
caught up to the
old geezer. They began to stomp repeatedly on the old
man's head,
causing a dust cloud to form.
You mentioned with your reply to my C&C of your other fic that the cliche feel your fics have are unintentional. And why should they be? You were, after all, only trying to keep with the 'Ranma' flavor of your fics. Problem is, by resorting to repeating certain hackneyed (albeit familiar) scenes in the anime or manga, you're not presenting anything new to the reader at home. So, to break up monotony, why not have Ranma running along with the ladies as they try to beat on Happousai? Or have Happousai get run over by a Victoria's Secret truck for irony? Or get rid of this scene altogether because your readers has probably seen this scene a hundred times in the anime and manga and a million times in fanfics? After all, as seen in the later scenes below, this is what can be called as 'filler scene'. Why not be creative with your filler scenes, ne?
In any case, just try to be different. Oh, and funny, since you're trying to keep up with the Ranma fanfic flavor.
The youth continued to balance on the beams of the
six-foot high fence.
He walked along towards a complex that from the view
housed two
buildings while being surrounded by a large wall. The
view shifted
from the youth to the wall, on which a yellow sign
sat. The sign read,
in Kanji "Tendo Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu Dojo. Guests
please enter through
the front gate. To challenge the owner, please enter
through the rear
gate." Then the view focused back on the youth, now
on the ground and
next to the wall. He eyed the wall, and he casually
tensed the muscles
in his legs and leapt. The youth cleared the wall
with ease, landing
on a clothesline on the other side.
The first few sentences in this paragraph is unnecessary, and can be easily summarized as, "Ranma went home to the Tendo dojo." There's no particular need to reintroduce the characters and the setting, after all, unless you're using some sort of foreshadowing device. But still, there are more effective foreshadowing devices than, "To challenge the owner, please enter through the rear gate."
"Oh hello, Ranma-kun!" Came from a young woman dressed
in rather
conservative manner.
"Afternoon, Kasumi-san." The pigtailed boy replied.
"Oh, are you
doing the laundry? Let me make it easier for you.
Gomen nasai."
Kasumi: Ara ara. Because of your apology, my laundry has become even more tolerable!
Megane 6.7's Crow: And besides, it should instead be, "Gomen de kudasai," if you're trying to express guilt and...
Megane 6.7's Tom: Can it, dictionary.
Ranma quickly jumped off of the wires that made up the
clothesline. He
smirked at Kasumi and took an extravagant bow.
"Oh my, Ranma-kun, that was very nice." Kasumi
applauded.
"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all month." Ranma
grinned widely,
baring two rows of teeth as he did.
(sigh) Yet another pointless scene by which only the author really enjoys... Or perhaps other readers that, for some unfathomable reason, finds trite and stale content in fics as 'average'. On the other hand, the statement rings through, because on average trite and stale content in fics is standard fare for fanfics. Sadly.
Kasumi tittered at this response.
9_9
Suddenly a purple
blur hopped over
the fence, it was the old goat from earlier. The
man's face was
covered in shoe prints and bruises.
It's a Happi-bash fic! Strangely enough, so little readers react to this as bad, the same readers who'd be rabidly complaining about how Akane/Ukyo/Shampoo was bashed if ever any of them were bashed. Same effect goes to those who bash Kodachi... no reaction.
"RANMA! How dare you do that to your Master!"
The pigtailed boy glared at the old man. "Master, my
ass, Hentai!
Ah. So you haven't really watched the fansubs. Instead you relied on outside information with your erroneous use of gratuitous Japanese. If you have watched the subs (fan-made or otherwise), then you'd realize that Ranma refers to Happi as "Jiji" or "Ero-Jiji" as opposed to "Hentai".
You
ain't my master, Happosai! Especially after that
stunt you pulled at
that farce of a wedding. You drank my cure, you old
freak!"
Happi: I was only protecting my interests, son. Are you going to keep an old man from having fun? ;_;
"So, that water that I thought was sake was Nannichuan
was it? Then I
guess it's a good thing I drank it then. Because
otherwise I wouldn't
be able to do this!" As Happosai pronounced his last
"Pronounced" isn't the right word. No need to substitute "said", after all.
word, he lunged
at Ranma, knocking him into the koi pond that resided
in the yard.
Instantly, the boy's black hair changed to fire-engine
red, he lost a
few inches, and gained a few curves. Ranma had changed
into Ranma-chan.
Y'know what would be a funny scene? Ranma not falling to the koi pond.
Ranma: (teetering to the end of the pond, his hands wind-milling) Whoah. (manages to right himself)
Happi and Kasumi: (applauds)
Ranma: Wow. Y'know, truth be told, I'm not sure of what I'm going to do now. This is a first for me... not falling to the koi pond after being thrown here. I'm feelin' kind of excited and scared! ^-^;
"Why? So I could do this!" Happosai sprung at Ranma's
ample bosom and
attempted to latch on.
Happousai attempted to latch on Ranma's ample bosom reads better, but it's still cliche.
However, Ranma, knowing of
Happosai's dirty
tricks, tensed and quickly moved her fist to smash the
pervert into the
ground.
It's like you put into prose a typical episode of Ranma that had proverbially played into the subconscious of otaku everywhere... and no, that's not a good thing. This isn't a beloved, wondrous memory, it's a memory that's been run through the ground.
"You ain't gonna do that anymore, hent-urk!" Without
warning, Ranma was
hit in the head by a thrown statue, and fell to the
ground.
"Sorry Ranma, I meant to hit Happosai." A cute girl
with short black
hair wearing a yellow gi and a white headband.
Ranma: (blinks) Scratch that. You weren't trying to hit me with that statue?
Akane: (apologetic) Yeah. Sorry about that, Ranma. (puppy dog eyes)
(theme of the Twilight Zone plays in the background)
"What did you call me Ranma?"
"A klutz! An uncute, built-like-a-brick, tomboy
klutz!"
...said Ryoga.
Akane: How dare you... RYOGA NO BAKA!!! (beats Ryoga within an inch of his life)
Ranma: Anooo... (sweatdrop)
"RANMA!" The girl's face was turning red and
contorting in anger.
Suggest: The girl's face turned red and contorted in anger.
"And another thing-" Ranma raised her fist to point at
the girl as a
purple blur went by her hand and a quiet "Here you
go." was heard.
Ranma looked at what was in her hand and paled. It
was a bra.
Gee, guess what happens next?
Kasumi: Oh my. That's my bra...
Ranma: o_o
Kasumi: ...that I was wearing just now.
Ranma: O_O
Kasumi: ^_^ It feels refreshing, for some reason.
Ranma: (faints)
"RANMA NO HENTAI! So you were helping Happosai!"
Or...
Akane: Ranma... You got my bra back! Thanks!
Ranma: p_p
"No, no Akane it's not what you think!"
Akane: So you're saying that Happousai just handed you that bra in your hand so that I'd misunderstand, get angry and beat you within an inch of your life?
Ranma: (relieved) Yeah! That's exactly what I'm saying! I'm glad that you finally got it, Akane!
Akane: (gets angry) You think that I'm _that_ stupid? Grrrrr.... RANMA NO BAKA! (kicks Ranma in the stratosphere)
"What I think? What else could it be besides what I
think?
Akane: (thinks) You were doing the laundry with oneechan instead of being such lazy bum who doesn't do house chores?
Ranma: Ah...
Akane: Waaaiiit... let me guess. You've gotten sick and tired of how unbecoming you look whenever you get splashed with cold water so now you've come prepared?
Ranma: Eh...
Akane: Waitwaitwait... You're giving me gift bra that's a few sizes too big for me because you're nice and sweet that way?
Ranma: W-ell...
Akane: Oh, I know! You're...
Ranma: Fine, just hit me and get it over with... -_-
Ranma no
Hentai!" Akane reached behind her back and a large
wooden mallet
formed from nowhere.
All of a sudden, Akane stops.
Akane: This isn't right.
Ranma: (hopeful) You've realized the error of your ways and stopped your misdirected and irrational anger toward me?
Akane: No, I should be more creative than this. (does a head scissors on Ranma, and then locks on his ankle before he can get on a vertical base) Tap! Tap! TAP!
*************************************************
A boy wearing a yellow shirt, black pants, a yellow
spotted bandana and
a large backpack was walking along the street trying
to read a map.
You can leave things as is with this one sentence and you'd be all set.
"Let's see, if I take a right here, I'll end up in
Hokkaido, and a
left, I'll end up in Osaka. I think that's near
Nerima."
The cool thing with Ryoga is that the average westerner fanfic author and he has about the same amount of knowledge in Japanese geography.
"Don't worry Akane my love! Soon the two of us will be
together and I
will defeat Ranma once and for all!"
Ryoga: Hmmm... Maybe I could phrase it in another way.... "Akane, once our love blossoms, even Ranma cannot stand in my way" Or... "Hello. I am Ryoga Hibiki.
I love you Akane. Ranma, prepare to die." Wait, that sounds too brash. How about if I tell Akane, "You had me at konnichiwa..."
The young man turned as he heard a girl's voice shout,
"Get over here,
old man!" Suddenly a light weight was felt on his
head and it
propelled off of it shortly afterwards.
Taken straight out from the 2nd Ranma 1/2 Movie, Nihao my Concubine, I see. Or any other manga/anime/fanfic scene, since this is pretty generic.
"RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!"
Ryoga: Or how about, "I am the scourge that flaps in the night..."
Outside a shop that had a sign which read "Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki" in
kanji, a boyish brown-haired girl with a baker's peel
strapped to her
back began painting on a sign which read "Specials."
"Baker's peel" as opposed to "Spatula"? I have no idea, since I ain't a native English speaker.
Just then, Happosai, Ranma, Akane, and Ryoga ran past
the girl's shop,
oddly enough, in the direction Ukyo hit Tsubasa.
"Ran-chan..." Ukyo sighed. Then she gasped. "I need
my specials
sign... Konatsu help me run after Tsubasa!"
"Right away Ukyo-sama." Another feminine male, dressed
as a kunoichi
appeared from nowhere, and both took off after the
group.
Ah. The parade thing would have to be reminiscent of the first Ranma 1/2 movie. Really this scenario is so familiar that you can start off med res with all of the Ranma 1/2 cast running after Ranma and Happi... and the reader won't even flinch.
Reader: Oh. _That_ again.
Ranma: (running after Happousai) So why am I running after the old freak again? I've been chasing him for so long that I forgot why.
Happi: (oblivious, was actually having a morning 'stroll')
***********************************************************************
Another restaurant, labelled in Kanji as the
labeled
<<snip trite and overdone cliche parade scene ripped off from the Ranma movies>>
The, currently female, pig-tailed martial artist once
Get rid of the comma after the word, 'the'.
again appeared,
sitting ontop of the roof of the building next to the
on top
one she jumped on
to.
"I think this area is close to mom's house, I oughta
Even though it's non-standard English, I think it oughtta be spelled, "oughtta"
go drop in and say
'hi.'"
Ranma then rose to her feet and leapt to the ground.
The scene froze
on her frame begining to run and faded into the same
beginning
old picture style
from as before. The picture scaled down to reveal
some words.
Geh. This is the pay-off of your fic? Have them chase Happousai and then have Ranma suddenly say, "Hey, will you look at that! I've run myself into a plot hole--I mean, mom's house! I should say hi." -_-
Anyway, several suggestions... to avoid the cliche', do something new. Why not have the Ranma parade start in the middle of things, where they've been chasing Happi for so long that they've forgotten why, and have them find out one by one why whoever chased whoever. Or have Ranma run away very fast with the intention of going to his mother's house, and then Akane runs after him thinking that he's running because he's guilty of something, then comes the parade, etc. Or why not forget about this chapter altogether and rename chapter two as chapter one because by then _something significant_ might have already happened?
*************
Chapter Ended
*************
The book then closed and the sash fell upon it once
more.
Uh, right. We now have one of those old eighties TV programs with the book closing thingy.
A. N. Wow, after two whole weeks of writing, I
finally finished this
chapter of my new fic.
O_O Sugoi ne, Author-san.
Compiling all those overdone scenes took you two whole weeks? I see. I give you props on how hard you work, and there will probably be someone out there who'd simply think that this fic is average, readable and whose only fault is that too much has been crammed into it. As for me? I'll maintain my stance before, when I read that other fic of yours... The fault this fic has lies in the fact that it reads more like the TV series synopsis of a 'typical' day in Ranma 1/2 than an actual work of fiction.
The major Eternal Darkness
stuff happens in the
next chapter, such as the Tome being found. Just a
reminder, I do not
own any of the characters in this, nor do I own the
magickal powers in
this. That is reserved to Takahashi-sama and the
Silicon Knights.
You have yet to write an actual fic, IMO. From what I've seen, what you've written so far are snippets of other people's works or scenes taken straight out of Takahashi's work. I have yet to read something, anything, that's uniquely yours and not borrowed from whatever fic/scene from Ranma 1/2. This is the worst case scenario of someone who wishes to write canonically... Instead of writing new, fresh, and original scenes, it seems you've subconsciously "copy-pasted" scenes by seemingly re-typing them as a fic.
Anyway, I'd like to clarify that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "Unless you can come up with better material for a first chapter, better scrap this chapter and move on to the next one where the plot finally gets moving."
The good news? Characterization, more or less, is right on (fanfic standards), and there's not much to be said about plot holes since there isn't much plot here anyway. Problem with that, obviously, is a fic that's actually interesting to read.
I almost didn't write an Author's notes for this one,
but hey, it
needed to be done.
Actually, it's preferable that it's not done. Most people would like to not have author notes. So why do most authors have author notes? It's because of the authors, not the readers. And it's definitely not a prerequisite.
All C&C can go to
ellfangor8@gmail.com.
Most of my comments in your earlier fic applies here too. I haven't that much to add, anyway. So there... That's my two cents.
Keep on writing,
Abdiel
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