The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote C&C and it went a little something like 
this -

No answer. The alleyway she'd found herself in was empty apart from 
her.
"CHIYO-CHAN! KAGURA!" Sakaki screamed despite herself. "YOMI, TOMO,
AYUMU! FATHER! MOTHER! SOMEBODY!"

Okay, the last two (before the 'somebody') are a bit of a stretch...

Hm. If you're referring to her formality in calling them "father" and 
"mother," I couldn't really see Sakaki saying "mom" or "dad." It just 
didn't seem to fit her...

there had been people here recently, but there was nobody else here 
now.

Minor suggestion, feel free to ignore it:

It was not badly kept; it looked like there had been people here 
recently,
but there didn't seem to be anybody around at the moment.

That's probably better, I'll use it. Thanks.

The girl quietly headed down the street, keeping a brisk pace and
sweeping her eyes around, looking for any signs of life. A figure in 
a
shop window caught her eye, but a second glance revealed it was just 
a
cardboard cut-out of a robot, whose speech bubble said he wanted 
manga
and trading cards. A peek behind it revealed a dingy shop with 
colorful
manga on the walls and display cases behind a large counter. A shop 
for
otaku then. Not of much interest to a lost connoisseur of Cute. Then
again, they could have some of that delightful Tokyo Mew Mew manga in
or, Sakaki thought, maybe there could be somebody there who could 
help
her.

There are a few incongrueties to this paragraph, but I'll leave them 
to you
to realise for yourself.

Hm. If you're referring to the use of "manga" I can see your point - I 
wasn't sure how Japanese people would think about American comics. Not a 
big deal to change it to "comic books."

Sakaki gulped and her eyes darted around - he had an intensely bad

she, maybe?

Waugh.

It didn't even wait for her to finish her threat. As soon as it was 
on
it's feet it ran and leapt for her, claws reaching for her face. She

its feet

Damn, so close.

Okay, the magic gun thing is reminding me very strongly of Kaze from 
Final
Fantasy Unlimited. @_@

I think I watched an ep of that. O'Neill loads his gun faster.

Carl immediately ran off toward a door in the fore wall, and Sakaki
turned to see a man standing near her. He was tall, with longish 
brown
hair and a serious demeanor. There was a diagonal scar on his 
forehead,
coming down between his eyes. He wore a white shirt underneath a 
black
leather jacket and had black pants. An odd-looking sword hung at his
waist - there was something strange about the handle - and a symbol 
that
looked like a roaring lion hung from a chain around his neck.

...whatever.

"......"

Very good..some would complain about the excess of non-Japanese 
influences,
but I won't, so long as there's going to be an eventual balance of 
sorts.

Looking forward to more!

Thanks for the C&C, much appreciated. As for the influences, it's going 
to go in the opposite direction in later parts - if everything goes to 
plan, in total three times more Japanese fandoms will appear than 
Western ones. That's just how it happened.

"I'm cold, and there are wolves after me."
GKScotty - steven@imdanet.com
Visit the Groening Fanworks Central at http://www.simpworks.com 



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