-------- Original Message --------
From: Aaron Nowack <anowack@tulane.edu>
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Offering more than your own opinion, beyond factual errors, would seem
strange unless you C&C'd this with a group. In any case, this is
exactly what I want, the 'gut' reaction to some of the things I've put
here.
I'm not certain there's any need to refer to Jadeite as "the Entity"
rather than "the person" or some such here. In any case, lower-casing
Entity would probably be a good idea.
You're right, if I'm using 'the' before it, then entity is not a
proper noun and should be lower cased. My intent here, aside from
capitalization issues, was to obscure the identity of Jadeite to avoid
the reaction of: "Oh great, another Jadeite returns story: DELETED!"*
* Apologies to StrongBad.
Also, blaming Jadeite for the Dark Kingdom's failure is a little unfair
- the other Generals did their share of screwing up also.
The intent here was to say he caused the downfall of his fellow
Guardians: Nephrite, Zoicite, and Kunzite, not the Dark Kingdom. This
thought was based on my interpretation of the Silver Millenium, which
places Jadeite as the first of Endymion's guardians to be corrupted by
Beryl. Then, later, his inability to defeat Sailor Moon (when, at the
time, she was weakest) left her to go on to defeat Nephrite, Zoicite,
and Kunzite. (Technically, Nephrite fell on his own, but I'm just
simplifying...)
The canon on the Silver Millennium is vague enough that you could make
that work, but it's not really implied. (I don't think we even see the
Generals during the flashback - could be wrong, though.)
We do see the General's during the flashback. They're at the head of
Beryl's army, standing exactly in reverse order from the way they are
defeated by Sailor Moon millenia later.
I don't think present-day Mars has any active volcanoes. Could always
be wrong.
Chalk it up as you like: dramatic flair, alternate universe, distant
future/past. This woman is capable of moving through them all.
She smiled and a chill ran down the Entity's spine as if he would
have felt safer if she was angry than if she was glad. "You were
taught, long ago, how to breathe on the nine worlds and their moons,
which works even now in this mana-deficient universe."
It seems to me that a Jadeite suffering from partial memory loss would
find breathing on Mars unusual.
He did find it unusual, and her explanation is far from sufficient,
but other matters come up that distract him from it.
Also, if Jadeite has gained this much power, there's no need for him to
go through the plan he did - he'd be more than powerful enough to simply
overwhelm the Senshi and Tuxedo Kamen.
He only just got the power from Sailor Moon. And Nephrite is
exaggerating slightly. He did say 'perhaps' stronger than Beryl, in
any case.
Oh, so he doesn't gain the power until afterward.
Yup.
Still... Sailor Moon at this point really isn't that strong. Even at
the end of the season with the Ginzuishou, she still is only barely able
to defeat Metallia/Beryl. I'm dubious that draining her energy would
give Jadeite quite this much of a boost - enough to surpass Nephrite,
sure, but not enough to be on the same sort of scale as Metallia.
Well, Sailor Moon has a lot of potential. It could be argued that
Sailor Moon is exactly as powerful at the end of Stars as she is at
the start of Season 1, she just isn't capable of accessing that power.
In this case, Jadeite extracted that power in a form that he was
capable of using.
In any case, both Nephrite and Jadeite are off their rocker in this
scene, mostly because they're both disoriented and things have
suddenly changed around them. And don't think that there aren't
serious consequences to Jadeite taking that power, many of which
detrimental to Jadeite himself.
All right, other general comments:
Fire away! :)
1) I'm sure you have an answer to this, but what's Sailor Pluto, both
"present" and "future", up to during all this? It's more or less her
job to stop things like this from happening, so it might be a good idea
to hint in the first scene at how she's been dealt with.
She's in the beginning of Chapter 1. This was totally unexpected for
her and she's just now going to react to it.
2) On a related note, the whole "time rewinding"/going back into your
past self's body isn't really consistent with how time travel is
presented in Sailor Moon R. Then again, it might be pretty hard to
reconcile Sailor Moon R-style time travel with this plot line, some you
might be better off ignoring it.
Yeah, that whole, 1-year lost thing never made any sense in the anime.
In fact, if you look closely at the Sailor Moon timeline it
completely falls apart. The only rule seems to be: if it works
dramatically, do it. I'm following the same rule here.
3) It's really too early to say with absolute certainty, but here's
just a preemptive warning - you're probably going to have to work very
hard to avoid falling into the "Annoying New Character" trap here. The
first of the two new characters is already irking on me a little - the
'trans-dimensional vixen of destiny' bit particularly seems a bit too...
cute, I guess is the word.
Actually, the woman is just a catalyst, she'll play only a maginal
role for many of the early chapters. This story is more about how the
Senshi and the Dark Kingdom adapt to the loss of Sailor Moon.
Thanks for the C&C! I really appreciate it!
--
Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/
----------
Adam C. Leigh
Tempest@mail.com - Tempest@rogue-penguin.com
http://www.rogue-penguin.com - http://www.tempestcreations.com
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