I pulled this copy off the web site, since my email archives are at home and I'm
at work.

In response, Mousse flipped over to the next page.  "I'll meet
you there, in disguise as a duck.  At that point, you switch
the stuffed duck on your hat with me."  He pointed at the
illustration, then flipped to the last page.  A waddling Akane
and a graceful, statuesque Shampoo were drawn traveling down
the road. Heart-shaped bubbles swirled around the Amazon girl,
while Akane struggled under the immense hat topped by a very
pleased-looking duck.  "Once you leave the village, I will be
able to travel with you in secrecy.  I'll be able to keep my
eye on Shampoo, making sure that if she gets into trouble,
I'll be there to swoop in and save her in the nick of time!"

AKANE: Um... why don't you just sneak out of town under the cover of darkness
and follow us at a discreet distance?

MOUSSE: Too complicated!

The Amazon matriarch made a little humming noise.  "Be that as
it may, sometimes it is for the best.  Ranma was right to
leave you behind when he fled the Reikoku, girl.  You were in
no shape to make such a journey."  She thumped Mousse's
unconscious form with her staff.  "Nor is he.  His skills may
be..." she ground her teeth, "... somewhat better than

Not quite sure what the correct way to punctuate this is. "she ground her teeth"
ought to be a separate sentence. Perhaps:

be..." she said, grinding her teeth, "... somewhat better than

Akane shrugged.  "If you say so," she said.  She thought the
old woman was too hard on Mousse, but maybe she had a point.
Mousse could be a bit of a moron.

SHAMPOO: How Akane can think such a thing?

AKANE: I didn't mean--

SHAMPOO: Mousse is never bit of moron. Mousse is *complete* moron.

MOUSSE: Gee, thanks.

She and Shampoo and old Cologne had stayed up all last night
discussing a plan to help Ranma, should he have no choice but
to face the fourth incarnation of the Reikoku.  While the
notion that the old woman had proposed seemed sound to her,
and actually made her more hopeful than she had been for a
long time that Ranma would really make it, the plan would
require her to do some things that were... a bit embarrassing.
Going through with it would take a lot of her nerve, and she
felt anxious about having Shampoo on hand to witness, and
possibly to interfere...

AKANE: Are you sure that Martial Arts Sex-Fu is absolutely unbeatable?

COLOGNE: Positive. I saw it on La Blue Girl. But you will want to save it for
the fourth and last fight. Because we'd all hate to see what the monster has to
do to adapt against it....

When you get to be very, very old, forgetfulness can be a sort
of blessing.

Suggest: When you got to be very, very old, forgetfulness could be

Having it in the present tense makes it seem like the narrator is telling us
this, rather than it being part of Happosai's internal thought process.

When one spends one's life on the path of the pervert, though,
it is inevitable that one will sometimes cross that line.

Again, IMO this would be better in the past tense.

Best to stay in China for the time being.  Best not to go back
to Nerima for now.  Genma and Soun would assuredly still be
steamed, but he could handle them.  They'd get over it.  Genma
could even get back together with that hottie of a wife of his
now that the threat of seppuku no longer hung between them,
maybe have another baby, raise it right this time.  Soun would
find that he was better off without so many freeloaders
slouching around his house.  Happosai could deal with the two
of them.

A bit confused with the ordering here. Happy first says that it's best not to go
back but then he starts listing reasons why it would be okay to come back.

Perhaps:

Best to stay in China for the time being.  Best not to go back  to Nerima for
now.  It wasn't because Genma and Soun would still be steamed; most assuredly
they would, but he could handle them.

Happosai's battle aura began to simmer.  He managed to bank
off the a low brick wall and just catch sight of the

off a low

The boy still kept his head lowered in reverence, but his
posture was not totally submissive.  Still had enough
cockiness to only take one knee, for instance.  That was good,

I don't understand what "take" means in this context.

BOY: Oh, all right... give me the other one too.

**SNAG**

HAPPY: Good! Good! That shows real initiative. Now, wanna find me a wheelchair
or something?

She was, indeed, as stunning as the boy had claimed.  She
knelt there beside the spring, preparing herself for her bath
with delicate gestures, naked as the day she was born save for
a yellow bandanna tying back her long, black hair.  Her body

Is he wearing a wig? I didn't think they were on the road long enough for
Ryoga's hair to grow *that* much longer.

He heard the tapping of a few keys as Nabiki double-checked
this information on her computer.

Would she be able to check that without being dialed up?

"... so as near as I can tell, he's near Chi Bi," Nabiki said.

SOUN: Chibi-usa?

NABIKI: No, of course not USA. China!

There came a pause from her sister in Nerima.  "Well... I
guess.  Are you sure you can trust her, sis?  I mean, this was

Sis?

(Capitalize relations when used as names; look for this elsewhere)

<Attitude? Check.>

NABIKI: Of *course* I've got an attitude. EVERYBODY has an attitude of SOME
sort.

Mr. Saotome nervously opened the flap on the bulky yellow
envelope and withdrew the contents for examination. She saw a
sheen of sweat materialize on his broad face as he glanced
over the photos and documents. "I... uh..." he swallowed hard.

He
(Presumably it's not the words "I... uh..." he is swallowing, so capitalize to
begin a new sentence)

<Who says I don't have a heart?> she thought to herself.
<Still... all that doesn't have to stop me from turning Mr.
Saotome into my blackmail slave.>

Maybe I'm oversensitive to negative treatments of Genma, but Nabby here comes
across to me as a bully. Considering the wonderful job you've done in this
series of humanizing and growing the other characters, even letting Happy have
compunctions about his actions, it's unfortunate that Genma in this series
can't seem to be anything other than a jerk -- and not even an interesting jerk
like Da Big Kahuna, who we can admire for his persistence and inability to
accept defeat if nothing else.

When they had still been traveling through China as a group -
before Jusenkyou, and the fragmenting of their little company
- there had been plenty of time for Ukyou and Ryouga to talk
to the others about plans for what they would do if they ever
got their hands on Happosai.  While many of these sessions
sounded like water cooler talk at the corporate headquarters
for the Spanish Inquisition, others had been more practical

RYOGA: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

REIKOKU: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise.
Surprise and fear. Our TWO chief weapons are fear, surprise, and a
relentless....

The Lost Boy's teeth ground together like shifting boulders.
"You don't remember who I am?"

FYI, the first time these two met was when Happosai dressed up as P-chan in
order to sneak into Akane's room. (But I do realize that Happy isn't
necessarily going to be honest about this.)

"And what of the 30-page paper thou did author..."

Suggest: the thirty-page paper

    "There once was a maiden named Tendou
     Who was belov'd by a master of kendo
     She had keen, piercing eyes
     Lithe and muscular thighs
     A firm bust, and a shapely rear-end-o...AAAAaaaah!"

Heh heh. Well, it could be worse. At least Hiroshi and Daisuke don't do poetry.
:)

He would have made it, though, if it hadn't been for the fire.
He'd crested the peak, made it about halfway down the
treacherous pass, and come to a little mountain town along the
road just as night was falling. He had intended just to grab a
bite to eat and press on down the mountain until he reached
the river, where he'd hoped to find a ride on a boat to put
some distance between himself and the Reikoku. But a fire had
broken out in the kitchen of the 2-story inn, and quickly

the two-story inn,

His cat self uncoiled in his mind, blotting out all trace of
human thought. Neko-Ranma dropped to all fours, eyes blazing
as he turned to face his approaching enemy. He raised his back
to look more fearsome, flexing his razor-sharp claws in
preparation for the upcoming fight. He felt tired, but a cat
never let weakness show. That whatever-it-was back there was
going to get it now, he thought. He advanced, ready to fight,
ready to slash...

I like the descriptions from Ranma's cat POV here.

Here it is! The longest-awaited chapter in "Relentless."
In order to prevent a wait of several YEARS from forming
between this chapter and the next, I have taken the
precaution of writing the rest of the story before I
released anything else.

Well, all I can say is, YAY! A great read, as always, with good
characterization, a gripping plot, and funny comic relief. A little heavier on
the latter than usual, maybe, but nothing that would undermine the serious
parts. I'm really looking forward to seeing more.



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