Thanks to both C&Cers, it means a lot to me. :-) Orlean's comments 
responded to after Lurker.

Sakaki sighed in the changing room as put her arms into the sleeves 
of

as *she* put, maybe?

Aw geez. Now /there's/ a good start!

I can see Tomo more as a cheerleader and Yomi more as a gakuran girl 
rather
than the reverse.

Me too. Ask Azuma.

fourteen punctuation/speechmark corrections and fifteen it's/its 
corrections

Ack! I obviously had no idea it was so bad. I'll try to pay more 
attention next time...
"I'll" was right, right? ;-)

It was white with black text that said "RED RACCOON DOG." Ayamu had

Ayumu

Really?
*checks*
Bah. Now I have to take this ( 
http://www.simpworks.com/steven/osaka.png ) out of my sig.

"Right!" Tomo bounced up behind the two of them, throwing her arms up
into the air. "Who are we beating up first? Chiyo-chan?"

Ack!

heh heh heh

walked ahead, while Sakaki and Chiyo followed a few steps behind,
chatting about Nekoconeko. After a few flights of stairs they emerged

Extreme nitpick here: Pick a consonant and go with it when dealing 
with
NekoKoneko. It's either "NekoKoneko" or "NecoConeco". Don't mix and 
match,
it looks weird.

Hm, I see your point. OK.

it any harm." She was sure it was friendly. Sakaki continued creeping
toward it, hand extended, until she came within touching distance of
it's face...

its

leaping for Sakaki, drawing back the wicked claws on it's hand for a

its

rolling again as it pounced - she scrambled to get out of it's way 
and

its

*screams and beats head against keyboard*

closer she could see the red light more clearly. A heart. Not a
anatomically accurate one, but a stylized 'love heart' like those 
seen
on thousands of Valentines Day cards.

Oh God, I just figured out the crossover. XD

Woohoo!

BTW, Valentine's.

D'oh!

Ah, ah, nitpick here: Police in Japan usually are not armed with 
anything
more than batons, as Japan is VERY anti-firearm.

A spot where a little more research could have come in handy, I admit I 
had a sneaking suspicion this was the case.
I really wanted to quickly demonstrate that conventional methods 
wouldn't be effective against the Heartless, but I couldn't see cops 
wading in there with batons, and it's too early to call in the JSDF. 
I'll just cut it.

compressed into a time-space singularity by now."

Okay, even though Chiyo is a genius, I call bullshit on her knowing 
what a
"time-space singularity" is. Just because she's easily managing a 
senior
high school level courseload at the age of 12 doesn't mean she's a 
fucking
quantum physicist.

This gave me a few problems. "We'd all be dead" seemed too flat and I 
couldn't think of any snappy "crushed to the size of a" comparisons.
I'll probably just roll it back to the "dead" line.
The line would be funny if Tomo or Osaka said it though. :-)

Then the door Sakaki had entered though finally started to slide open
and one of the small creatures poked it's head though. Sakaki had to

its

admit, the way it looked around the corner and blinked it's little 
eyes

its

creature stuck it's head in the resulting hole and Sakaki found 
herself

its

*screams and bangs head on the Internet, turning up a useful page*
http://imdept.qmuc.ac.uk/Apostrophes.htm
Possessive adjective? So that's the key!

Hmm. Very interesting concept. I look forward to seeing where you go 
with
this.

Thanks, so do I. (it is planned, but not PLANNED planned)

Work on your punctuation, though, please. Otherwise, I might have to 
rip you
a new keyhole.

Trust me, I feel terrible about that now. :-)



Now Orlean.

It was a shame this was almost the antithesis of what she wanted to 
be.

One reason she was voted "Most likely to have a psychotic episode" by 
her class.

That's gotta be a VERY close vote.

Kagura - who had been noticing things lately - tried to imagine what
effect Sakaki beating up Kaorin would have, if Sakaki was actually
capable of that. It would probably break the poor girl's heart, brain
and legs, not necessarily in that order.

Or, more disturbingly, she might enjoy it.

Stop, you're giving someone an idea.

"Actually... I've got something for you to do first." Yukari pointed 
up
at the fence around the roof. A number of banners - one for each
class - had been tied to it and the banner supporting class 3-3 was
hanging loosely at one corner.
"Go up there and tie the banner back, okay? Having it flapping about
that makes us look like idiots."

Departure from the script.  Here is where the danger begins.

You've seen something similar before, haven't you?

"I'm coming." Sakaki replied, as she cast her eyes around the rooftop.
It didn't take long for her to spot a section of metal piping, left
over by a careless electrician who had been called to fix the security
lights on the top of a shed. She grabbed the pipe, ran up to the thing
and swung it like a baseball bat.

How tall is the creature?  A baseball bat swing would imply something
close to her size and I got the impression that the creature was a
good bit smaller than she was.

That's a very good point, didn't occur to me at all.
I'll change it to a golf club or hockey stick style.

A bright light, shining in the sky. A star come to earth... or so it
seemed. The strands of smoke spiraled around it, inevitably drawn to
it's center, making the entire spectacle seem like a miniature galaxy.
It shone in spite of the daylight, because it was surrounded by a ring
of darkness that didn't even contain any stars, as if the star only
shone because it had absorbed all the light surrounding it. It was
impossible to judge how far away it was, but it had to be at least a
few streets... Sakaki guessed it had to be somewhere near Chiyo's
house, in fact.
"A BLACK HOLE?!?" Kagura yelled, starting to lose it.

Or the Negaverse is invading.

Huh. Since when have they made attacks that are actually *effective?*

This is the beginning of a Kingdom Hearts mega-crossover tentatively
titled "Unsung Heroes."

Wow.  Up to this point I had thought that it was going to be a Sailor
Moon crossover.

That would be neat but I've pretty much exhausted that avenue though 
Simpson Moon.

Good though.  From the title I take it that most of
the people in this fic will either be secondary characters or at least
not uber powered?

Indeed, and at least one semi-uber is getting set back to level 0. (cut 
off from her usual power source)

Incidentally, more separation between paragraphs would be nice.


Looking forward to the next chapter.

Orlean

Thanks for the comments. It's progressed a lot today thanks to the boost 
of reading these comments before work.


Before I sign off I'd like to ask for comment on the dreaded <> Japanese 
Speech Brackets.

Because of the spread of characters I'm going to have, Traverse Town is 
going to largely bilingual. Most people speak either English, Japanese 
or both. So I was going to use <> for Japanese in certain situations, 
such as...

-----

<Hello?> She called in Japanese. <Anyone here?>
No answer. She decided to try some English. "Is any one here? Hello?"

-----

The "in Japanese" and "some English" phrases are only there to establish 
the convention. I like it better than the typical "<> denotes Japanese" 
author's notes approach.
Another later one...

-----

<Oh? Sorry...> Sakaki looked at Drake and - somewhat surprised - asked 
<You can speak Japanese?>
<I've done a lot of work in Japan,> was the reply. He pulled at the 
collar of her gakuran and smirked a little.
"Looks like we have something of a tearaway here, guys."

-----

It's not vital for the next part, but it's something I should establish 
before we arrive in Traverse where people could switch between languages 
pretty regularly. Writing "in Japanese" or "in English" after every bit 
of dialogue could get old fast, but then so could constantly using <> in 
a chapter that doesn't have any English speakers in it at all. In such a 
case using "" for Japanese would look much more readable.

What are the list's opinions? Better make it off-list replies only, I 
think.


Thanks again,

"I'm cold, and there are wolves after me."
GKScotty - steven@imdanet.com
Visit the Groening Fanworks Central at http://www.simpworks.com 



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