Hiya,

Like before, I�ll make the corrections to my Master Copy, and then to
those parts on FFN. You obviously put a lot of work into this, but if
you�ll indulge me to reserve comments for the parts unrelated to grammar
or other technicalities. 

Sure, that makes sense. 

I'll also forward this to the FFML, since it may
contain comments and the like others may be interested in.

I'd better forward this to the list as well, then.;)

 Akane didn't handle
nudity very well, from what he had heard and seen. Especially where
Ranma was concerned.

Eh...Ryoga knows that Ranma has seen Akane naked? O_o

IIRC, if nothing else, he�d know Ranma had seen her in the buff during the
Saffron arc (though that was Kiima, she was in Akane�s body). 

True, but by now he knows it wasn't Akane.

Plus there�s that �Cursed Doll� OAV.

Well, I wouldn't know about that...

Not to mention I�m sure Akane had told P-chan
about how, on that first day, Ranma had walked in on her in the bath
twice! 

But if Akane told him that way back when, I'd rather think Ryoga would want to
rip Ranma's head out for it, and say so. Loudly. ;) Especially if Akane still
seemed angry or upset about it, when she told P-chan.

THEN there was the time the Oni-possessed Ryouga tripped Ranma and
sent him flying towards Akane as she came out of the bath or shower. �

Yeah, but that time Akane got mad at both Ryoga and Ranma, and sent them both
flying, so it wasn't just Ranma.

By no one else, he meant no one else in the Tendo family: Akane, Nabiki,
and Kasumi. This part was sort of a take on the fanfic convention that, in
the entire family only Akane doesn�t know. In this, they�re all somewhat
clueless about it. Why? Who knows? But perhaps I will try and explain it
later.

I see. I rather prefer this take on it myself. (Ukyo certainly doesn't seem to
know, either.)

	"There were these little youkai, and they broke into my room!"

Suggest: demons (as in the IY translation)

For some reason, I want Kasumi to sound a bit more old fashioned than the
others. Which is why I had her say youkai here, and iseijin later (because
a youkai is more an evil spirit than a demon, and an iseijin can mean
both: an �alien,� and is a disrespectful word for foreigner).

<shrug> Could be that all other readers would be familiar with this phrase, or
just not care about it. I wasn't, and must confess it did annoy me a tiny bit
that I didn't know. Personally, I think Japanese words like thses don't work
very well for stories read on the computer (or for subtitled anime, for that
matter). Reason being, in a printed work you can have glossary at the back or
footnotes at the end of the page. But I can't recommend something like that
here, as the reader would lose her place when she scrolled down for an
explanation.

	Ryouga laughed sadly. "I aim not to please."

Don't know why, but this doesn't quite sound like Ryoga to me...the sad
laugh
and the attitude does, but not the line. I guess we just see him somewhat
differently.

In the manga, Ryouga does tend more towards blunt statements and
proclamations. But in this, I wanted to give some hint of his form of
�humorless humor,� to contrast with Ranma�s more often and obvious joking.
It was something that I had to devise for myself, and I hope it doesn�t
make him seem too OOC.

<nods> I do something like that myself at times, when I try to write Ryoga. As
I said, I recognise the attitude, but not the clever line. However, I did like
most of the interplay between Ranma and Ryoga here. 

	"What? I'm some kind of wilderness survival expert now?" Ryouga
asked, and rolled his eyes.

Again, suggest change "and rolled" to "rolling".

(I'm having some trouble connecting this sarcastic person to a traumatized
Ryoga.)

This line was inspired by a scene I remembered in the Musk Arc� but you
may be right. Maybe something more like: �Oh, but I�d know?� Ryouga does
get defensive about his directional problems, which is why I wanted some
sort of comment here before he gave any information.

Hm, yes, I think that would sound a little more like him.
(well, like my perception of Ryoga, anyway, which is all I can judge from.;))

	While the others smiled and celebrated this first little
victory, Ryouga looked back at the alien equipment with distaste and
undisguised hostility. Everyone was being too optimistic. He only hoped
they didn't get the hopes up, just to be dashed to pieces later, against
the uncaring rocks of reality.

Life was just like that, at least in his experience.

Here's another example of an emphasized line which I found superfluous. I
really think the intended meaning works very well from the previous
paragraph -
even to readers not
already familiar with Ryoga.

Hmm. Again, you may be right. I often remind myself that, technically, I�m
writing for X-Com prople who may never have seen or heard of Ranma �. I�ll
think about trimming this down.

I could be wrong, of course, but I do think that if I read a paragraph about
this about someone I knew nothing about, I'd conclude that this was a gloomy,
pessimistic guy with lots of bad luck even without reading the final line.

	It was quiet; too quiet.

Oh my. This is an extremely over-used phrase. It's almost approaching "It
was a
dark and stormy night" territory

I don�t think I�ve actually used that one before. But in this case, it
literally was too quiet. Soundproof rooms and the like are strange like
that. We�re taught to tone out background noises, and Kasumi would
especially, given her position in the Tendo household. I think I�ll play
off the fact that it is an overused phrase before I actually have the
phrase itself. Like:

�As clich� as it sounded, it was quiet; literally too quiet.�

That sounds like it could work.

(I don't know the anime, btw: I base all my character-oriented comments on
the
manga only.)

I consider the movies, OAVs, and anime part of the general continuity
defined by the manga, except where they conflict the manga. The ladder is
thus: manga, movies, OAVs, anime (because the movies conflict with nothing
in manga or anime, the OAVs conflict occasionally, and the anime conflicts
all the time).

Okay. I have no problem with that: I just wanted to let you know where I was
coming from, so you can judge my remarks accordingly.

	The ship was incredibly
creepy, and the more one thought about what went on within it, the worse
it became.

Suggest re-word as "the more one thought about what had gone on within
it", or
similarly (I assume it isn't what's happening right now that's creeping
Kasumi
out: am I wrong about that?)

While the ship �As Is� is creepy (it is still an alien ship, with dead
alien bodies here ad there), it is worse when one imagines what sort of
things the aliens probably did to people I the ship. We�re all heard
stories, after all. This ties into later, because Kasumi has no idea the
sort of �things� the aliens actually do here. They�re far worse than
pretty much anyone imagined.

<nods> I understand, I think. That's why I would recommend you use the
pluperfect tense in Kasumi's thoughts here.

	He didn't seem to mind bashing their heads in; he shouldn't
mind picking them up."

AKANE: Beside, I always let Ryoga do my dirty work whenever I can.
(I found Akane rather OOC here.)

Sorry if my remark here was unclear: it was Akane's attitude to Ryoga I thought
about, not anything else about her conversation with Kasumi.

Akane and Kasumi have had others help them on numerous occasions. Kasumi
has sent Ranma to get food before, and brought Ryouga with her to get Xmas
stuff for the Christmas Special. Akane generally doesn�t balk to ask
Ryouga to do things she suspects he can handle better than she can (she
asks him numerous times to �cheer up Ranma,� for exaple).

Yes, but that was when she happened to bump into him, not seeking him out
purposefully to do something she didn't even try to do herself, because it was
"too creepy". And in those instances, it seemed more as if she asked him as a
friend, not (as I felt here) as a servant. Not to mention that she seems pretty
damn ungrateful about Ryoga's having saved them all by killing the aliens. 

Aside from Akari, Akane seems the person most likely to be worried about Ryoga
in the manga: myabe Kasumi is, too, but we don't see it. 

Plus, this just
isn�t something I see either of them doing. I tried to describe how
distasteful it was when Kasumi attempted to pick one up by herself.

<shrugs> Quite possible. Akane at least is strong enough to carry them, if she
could get over her queasiness, which Kasumi might not be. That's partly why I
would tend to think that Akane would at least try to pick one of them up. (But
maybe get very grateful if Kasumi suggested Ryoga, especially if she added that
Ryoga might feel better for having something to do.) However, you shouldn't
write anything which does not reflect how *you* see the characters.

Nabiki laughed, and spun around happily, as Ranma scrolled the data ever

downward. > She never saw Ryouga walk in, or leave.

Huh? Ryoga walking in and leaving seems like it would have gone better if
we
had already seen him doing so. Here, it seems rather disconnected to the
rest
of the scene.
Also, Nabiki isn't the only person around, so I suggest you add something
like
"Neither did the other too".

This ties into later, when he collects the second alien corpse. No one
noticed it this first time, so I wanted to keep it very short and quick,
and easy to overlook. Sort of like how someone can read up to when he
returns for the second body, and then they can skim back and see that,
indeed, I did mention him coming in before. Maybe I just didn�t plan that
out right?

Not sure. If you want the readers to go: "Huh? What the heck?" and feel rather
puzzled for a while, then you got the right reaction from me.

By the way, I now see my suggestion stinks. That ain't English. Sorry about
that. I meant to say something like:

Neither did any of the others. 

	And given that this was Nabiki he was talking to, he quickly concluded
that

she was

just manipulating him.

That was indeed quick of him.

Two years he�s been around these people. Even Ryouga would pick up some of
their habits in that time.

Probably true. At least with Nabiki. And he did give in eventually, anyway.

"Oh kami... oh kami..." Akane's lower jaw trembled.

Suggest: "Oh god...oh god..."

I had that down originally, before I changed the gods to kamis. Does it
really matter? Most people seem to have the kamis � unfortunately, there
is no canon translation available for what they would say in place of that
phrase. Perhaps I will change it�

Just personal preference for me. In English stories, I think English words work
best for these kinds of phrases, usually: in another context, such as
discussing a certain Japanese divinity/spirit, the word "kami" might work
better than "god". 

I mean, would they really _say_  "Oh kami" in Japanese? It looks half Western
anyway, so why not go all the way? ("Oh gods" might also work if you want to
say it's not just one God they're referring to.)

 

"Kasumi! Nabiki! A bandage!"

Would be better to ask Akane. She's more used to band-aid duty.

Remember the bandage she made for Pantyhose Taro (that covered his whole
arm like a cast)? 

True. However, there are several other times when she fixes up Ranma and where
she doesn't seem to do as badly. And she's more used to danger and violence
than her sisters.

Besides, I always sort of imagined that either Soun or Kasumi were the
ones who would know first aid. Soun because of his experience with
Happosai, and because of the experience that comes with age, and Kasumi
because she does read some of Dr. Tofu�s books, though there is no proof
that any of them are medical texts or the like. Also, if Kasumi has
assumed the new role of mother figure, it�d sort of be her role by
default.

Seems quite possible as well. But as far as I can remember, Akane is the only
one of the sisters shown doing anything like this. (She has looked death in the
face several times, too, so it makes sense that she'd be less squeamish.
Although there was usually no blood involved, and "what makes sense" is often
far from what happens, of course...) 

Then again, thinking back to the early manga (which I don�t have on me at
the moment), I think Akane did place bandages on Ranma before, without
mummifying him. Still, a broken bone and a few cuts and bruises are very
different things. I wouldn�t expect Akane to know how to deal with that
sort of thing. The above may have been a poor choice in wording. I�ll fix
it shortly.

Well, Nabiki, at least, is not the kind of person I'd imagine would come up as
first choice for caretaker. 

However, if the genre of this fic
really isn't my cup of tea, then it would be silly of me to comment on it
further, trying to make it into something it's not meant to be. And it
would do
you absolutely no good at all, I imagine.

This isn�t written as a horror fic. However, this is what the aliens in
XCOM do, and it is something the cast really had to be exposed to.
Earlier, Ranma is worried that the aliens were going to anal probe him.
That was the worst fate he imagined would befall him. This sort of shows
the �character� of the antagonists (the aliens) of the fic. In the game
and books, the aliens do this � they dissolve people for food, they use
them for genetic or embryonic research, and other horrible things. If you
lose the game, it shows the aliens turning Earth into a colony, and
reducing humanity to a collection of barnyard animals and mutated freaks.

In the UFOpedia, under the �Alien Food� category (UFO Components), it
shows several human beings in clear alien pods, in various states of
�digestion� (there is a whole cow in another). Here:
http://www.xcomufo.com/x1ufopaedia/pics/big/shot0102.png

Uh, thanks, I think I'll skip that one.;)

This is simply what the aliens do.

Okay. Good to know. I tend to prefer less clear-cut villains, myself, but the
story could still grab me despite this. (I know you told me something of this
already in your earlier letter, but this last scene made me realise I still
wasn't really prepared for it.)  

Do not, however, expect this to be a regular thing. This is probably the
most aberrant alien activity (though the wholesale massacre of a Terror
Site is also horrible), and it will cement for all time the image of the
aliens as evil, not just in Ryouga�s mind (he already hated them), but in
the minds of everyone else there: Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Soun and Kasumi.
If that is what soured your opinion of the fic (the gore at the end
there), then you shouldn�t have any further problems, because that�s the
worst that I�ll ever write here.
The genre of this (as shown on FFN) is Action/Adventure/SciFi.

(...)The third part is very different from the previous two, actually.
Much more upbeat, once it gets going. Things have been getting worse for
the last six chapterettes, but they�ll start to look up. Especially once
XCOM itself gets into the picture (until then, we�d only seen the aliens
in action)� Plus, it actually starts the introduction to the main
plotline, finally!

<nods> Again, good to know. And thanks for replying so swiftly, even though I
may have sounded rather grumpy here and there. Feedback on feedback is
important to us feedbackers. ;) 

Cheers,

Elin
 





That said, unflipped translations are at the very least readable. So are badly timed, typo-ridden subtitles on a fifth-generation VHS bootleg. As to the question of authenticity, if it's that important, move to Japan, learn Japanese, and read it on the train... 
-Bill Randall, The Comics Journal

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