Like before, I�ll make the corrections to my Master Copy, and then to
those parts on FFN. You obviously put a lot of work into this, but if
you�ll indulge me to reserve comments for the parts unrelated to grammar
or other technicalities. I'll also forward this to the FFML, since it may
contain comments and the like others may be interested in.

	"Ya think?" Ranma quipped. "I can't believe we're lost in space.
We should rename the ship the 'Jupiter 2.'"

	"Huh?" Ryouga grunted, not familiar with the name.

The Jupiter Two was the ship from the Movie and Series �Lost in Space�

Me neither...

 Akane didn't handle
nudity very well, from what he had heard and seen. Especially where
Ranma was concerned.

Eh...Ryoga knows that Ranma has seen Akane naked? O_o

IIRC, if nothing else, he�d know Ranma had seen her in the buff during the
Saffron arc (though that was Kiima, she was in Akane�s body). Plus there�s
that �Cursed Doll� OAV. Not to mention I�m sure Akane had told P-chan
about how, on that first day, Ranma had walked in on her in the bath
twice! THEN there was the time the Oni-possessed Ryouga tripped Ranma and
sent him flying towards Akane as she came out of the bath or shower. �

	"Ah, but there's no one awake but us." Ranma pointed out. "Now
that I think of it, there's something I've always wanted to do..."

	"Eh?" The lost boy grunted.

	Ranma took a deep breath.

	And yelled, "RYOUGA IS P-CHAN!! P-CHAN IS RYOUGA!! ARE YOU ALL
BLIND?!"

RYOGA: Um, the only difference from usual is that I let you finish saying
it.

Ha! That�s true!

	After a few seconds of silence, Ryouga deadpanned. "Well, I'm
glad you got all that out now and didn't let it eat you up inside."

	"Ohhhh, but that felt so good!" Ranma shook his fist in
exclamation. "I can't believe no one else has figured that out yet!"

What about Genma, Shampoo, Cologne, Musse, Soun and probably many boys
from
Furinkan ("Noodle of Strength" story - Ranma splashed Ryoga in full view
at the
Nekohanten)?

By no one else, he meant no one else in the Tendo family: Akane, Nabiki,
and Kasumi. This part was sort of a take on the fanfic convention that, in
the entire family only Akane doesn�t know. In this, they�re all somewhat
clueless about it. Why? Who knows? But perhaps I will try and explain it
later.

	"There were these little youkai, and they broke into my room!"

Suggest: demons (as in the IY translation)

For some reason, I want Kasumi to sound a bit more old fashioned than the
others. Which is why I had her say youkai here, and iseijin later (because
a youkai is more an evil spirit than a demon, and an iseijin can mean
both: an �alien,� and is a disrespectful word for foreigner).

	Still waiting for the signal to enter, and that the three girls
were decent, the boys waited.

Suggest: "The boys kept waiting..." etc or other rewording to avoid using
both
"waiting" and "waited".

	Ryouga laughed sadly. "I aim not to please."

Don't know why, but this doesn't quite sound like Ryoga to me...the sad
laugh
and the attitude does, but not the line. I guess we just see him somewhat
differently.

In the manga, Ryouga does tend more towards blunt statements and
proclamations. But in this, I wanted to give some hint of his form of
�humorless humor,� to contrast with Ranma�s more often and obvious joking.
It was something that I had to devise for myself, and I hope it doesn�t
make him seem too OOC.

And after that, we can produce a bulleted final course of action."

Bulleted? What's this - modern management talk?

Just be glad it isn�t Newspeak, Allspeak or Youspeak, which is only so
much Nospeak. But yea, Nabiki is using Management talk. She is in college
now, in that field no less, and sadly that�s what they teach you. I figure
that, since she�s only a freshman, she�s be eager to put some of that
terminology to use.

	"So where did these... iseijin go, when, ah, they..." Kasumi
struggled to phrase it without being vulgar.

What the heck does iseijin mean?

As I said before, it means �alien� or �foreigner� (in a rude way)� I think.

	"What? I'm some kind of wilderness survival expert now?" Ryouga
asked, and rolled his eyes.

Again, suggest change "and rolled" to "rolling".

(I'm having some trouble connecting this sarcastic person to a traumatized
Ryoga.)

This line was inspired by a scene I remembered in the Musk Arc� but you
may be right. Maybe something more like: �Oh, but I�d know?� Ryouga does
get defensive about his directional problems, which is why I wanted some
sort of comment here before he gave any information.

	While the others smiled and celebrated this first little
victory, Ryouga looked back at the alien equipment with distaste and
undisguised hostility. Everyone was being too optimistic. He only hoped
they didn't get the hopes up, just to be dashed to pieces later, against
the uncaring rocks of reality.

Life was just like that, at least in his experience.

Here's another example of an emphasized line which I found superfluous. I
really think the intended meaning works very well from the previous
paragraph -
even to readers not
already familiar with Ryoga.

Hmm. Again, you may be right. I often remind myself that, technically, I�m
writing for X-Com prople who may never have seen or heard of Ranma �. I�ll
think about trimming this down.

	It was quiet; too quiet.

Oh my. This is an extremely over-used phrase. It's almost approaching "It
was a
dark and stormy night" territory

I don�t think I�ve actually used that one before. But in this case, it
literally was too quiet. Soundproof rooms and the like are strange like
that. We�re taught to tone out background noises, and Kasumi would
especially, given her position in the Tendo household. I think I�ll play
off the fact that it is an overused phrase before I actually have the
phrase itself. Like:

�As clich� as it sounded, it was quiet; literally too quiet.�

	Of course, back then; strange men, who were also half animals,
had abducted them all.

Of course, back then,
(I don't know the anime, btw: I base all my character-oriented comments on
the
manga only.)

I consider the movies, OAVs, and anime part of the general continuity
defined by the manga, except where they conflict the manga. The ladder is
thus: manga, movies, OAVs, anime (because the movies conflict with nothing
in manga or anime, the OAVs conflict occasionally, and the anime conflicts
all the time).

	"Can't say I blame you," Akane responded. "This place creepy."

AKANE: So creepy Akane start talking like Shampoo. ;p

ARGH! Curse you missing verbs!!! At least you didn�t stick in an �Ayia!�
Oh well. That�s what�s so helpful about the added level of critique and
edit one gets from the FFML.

	The ship was incredibly
creepy, and the more one thought about what went on within it, the worse
it became.

Suggest re-word as "the more one thought about what had gone on within
it", or
similarly (I assume it isn't what's happening right now that's creeping
Kasumi
out: am I wrong about that?)

While the ship �As Is� is creepy (it is still an alien ship, with dead
alien bodies here ad there), it is worse when one imagines what sort of
things the aliens probably did to people I the ship. We�re all heard
stories, after all. This ties into later, because Kasumi has no idea the
sort of �things� the aliens actually do here. They�re far worse than
pretty much anyone imagined.

	He didn't seem to mind bashing their heads in; he shouldn't
mind picking them up."

AKANE: Beside, I always let Ryoga do my dirty work whenever I can.
(I found Akane rather OOC here.)

Akane and Kasumi have had others help them on numerous occasions. Kasumi
has sent Ranma to get food before, and brought Ryouga with her to get Xmas
stuff for the Christmas Special. Akane generally doesn�t balk to ask
Ryouga to do things she suspects he can handle better than she can (she
asks him numerous times to �cheer up Ranma,� for exaple). Plus, this just
isn�t something I see either of them doing. I tried to describe how
distasteful it was when Kasumi attempted to pick one up by herself.

Or do you mean OOC in Akane�s conversation with Kasumi? Sadly, that isn�t
something I had an easy manga reference for. Kasumi very rarely seems to
have conversations with ANYONE. So I looked to other fanfics, which handle
her character in a number of ways, from obliviousness to
all-knowing-mother-figure. I tried to portray her as more of a �young
person� than usual. Regardless, I also had to think about how Akane would
speak with her. Akane�s relationship towards Nabiki seems somewhat
adversarial (which is only natural, since Nabiki takes advantage of her),
and so I wanted to show Akane in a calmer and more contemplative light,
like when she talks to Ryouga in the manga.

I�m curious, though: what exactly did you mean by OOC? In what ways,
specifically?

"Yes, that's one thing it relates to," Nabiki admitted.

"Admitted" looks not quite right here. Suggest just "said".

Nabiki laughed, and spun around happily, as Ranma scrolled the data ever

downward. > She never saw Ryouga walk in, or leave.

Huh? Ryoga walking in and leaving seems like it would have gone better if
we
had already seen him doing so. Here, it seems rather disconnected to the
rest
of the scene.
Also, Nabiki isn't the only person around, so I suggest you add something
like
"Neither did the other too".

This ties into later, when he collects the second alien corpse. No one
noticed it this first time, so I wanted to keep it very short and quick,
and easy to overlook. Sort of like how someone can read up to when he
returns for the second body, and then they can skim back and see that,
indeed, I did mention him coming in before. Maybe I just didn�t plan that
out right?

	Ryouga wasn't sure why Nabiki was following him. It wasn't like
she was very subtle about it, either. The girl was no Konatsu... then
again, no girl could be like that particular kunoichi. After all, he was
the first female ninja not to be an actual member of that gender.
Disturbing. But his mind was wandering off track, as it tended to.

I didn't even know Ryoga knew Konatsu...

I�m assuming most of the main cast know each other by name. I don�t think
Ryouga ever actually met Konatsu (except for the failed wedding, where
both were in attendance), but eventually he�d be made aware of him, and
learn of his particular peculiarity.

	And given that this was Nabiki he was talking to, he quickly concluded
that

she was

just manipulating him.

That was indeed quick of him.

Two years he�s been around these people. Even Ryouga would pick up some of
their habits in that time.

"Oh kami... oh kami..." Akane's lower jaw trembled.

Suggest: "Oh god...oh god..."

I had that down originally, before I changed the gods to kamis. Does it
really matter? Most people seem to have the kamis � unfortunately, there
is no canon translation available for what they would say in place of that
phrase. Perhaps I will change it�

"Kasumi! Nabiki! A bandage!"

Would be better to ask Akane. She's more used to band-aid duty.

Remember the bandage she made for Pantyhose Taro (that covered his whole
arm like a cast)? From what I recall, Akane�s attempts at first aid
weren�t exactly very well done. If Akane had gone in, I�d have had to
write Ranma saying something rude like:

�Yer lettin� Akane work on �im? I thought we wanted to save his life, not
kill him!�

Besides, I always sort of imagined that either Soun or Kasumi were the
ones who would know first aid. Soun because of his experience with
Happosai, and because of the experience that comes with age, and Kasumi
because she does read some of Dr. Tofu�s books, though there is no proof
that any of them are medical texts or the like. Also, if Kasumi has
assumed the new role of mother figure, it�d sort of be her role by
default.

Then again, thinking back to the early manga (which I don�t have on me at
the moment), I think Akane did place bandages on Ranma before, without
mummifying him. Still, a broken bone and a few cuts and bruises are very
different things. I wouldn�t expect Akane to know how to deal with that
sort of thing. The above may have been a poor choice in wording. I�ll fix
it shortly.

The end was quite upsetting and gory, but I can't say you didn't warn me
with
your description of what was to come. I'll have to think about whether I
really
want to keep following this fic or not. I do like the characterizations
most of
the time, by the way, despite some of my comments above, and I think your
writing style in general is pretty good. However, if the genre of this fic
really isn't my cup of tea, then it would be silly of me to comment on it
further, trying to make it into something it's not meant to be. And it
would do
you absolutely no good at all, I imagine.

This isn�t written as a horror fic. However, this is what the aliens in
XCOM do, and it is something the cast really had to be exposed to.
Earlier, Ranma is worried that the aliens were going to anal probe him.
That was the worst fate he imagined would befall him. This sort of shows
the �character� of the antagonists (the aliens) of the fic. In the game
and books, the aliens do this � they dissolve people for food, they use
them for genetic or embryonic research, and other horrible things. If you
lose the game, it shows the aliens turning Earth into a colony, and
reducing humanity to a collection of barnyard animals and mutated freaks.

In the UFOpedia, under the �Alien Food� category (UFO Components), it
shows several human beings in clear alien pods, in various states of
�digestion� (there is a whole cow in another). Here:
http://www.xcomufo.com/x1ufopaedia/pics/big/shot0102.png

This is simply what the aliens do.


Do not, however, expect this to be a regular thing. This is probably the
most aberrant alien activity (though the wholesale massacre of a Terror
Site is also horrible), and it will cement for all time the image of the
aliens as evil, not just in Ryouga�s mind (he already hated them), but in
the minds of everyone else there: Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Soun and Kasumi.
If that is what soured your opinion of the fic (the gore at the end
there), then you shouldn�t have any further problems, because that�s the
worst that I�ll ever write here.

The genre of this (as shown on FFN) is Action/Adventure/SciFi.

In other words, I'll read chapter 3:1 when it comes, but I'm not sure if
I'll
send any comments. If I do, it means that I intend to read the next part
as
well. ;)
Best of luck with your writing.

Cheers,

Elin

Thanks. The third part is very different from the previous two, actually.
Much more upbeat, once it gets going. Things have been getting worse for
the last six chapterettes, but they�ll start to look up. Especially once
XCOM itself gets into the picture (until then, we�d only seen the aliens
in action)� Plus, it actually starts the introduction to the main
plotline, finally!

I think you�ll enjoy it.

 - The Capn


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