Subject: [FFML] Re: [WOT/Many Anime] Wheel of Anime Book 2, Chapter 4: A Day in the Life
From: "Abdiel" <gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph>
Date: 3/30/2005, 11:54 PM
To: "wombat" <wombat@thekeep.org>
CC: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>


I apologize in advance for the randomness of my comments, and I also apologize for not being able to fully appreciate the fic that most likely helped create the FFML (as you said in your website).

Actually, I was debating whether to send you this C&C or not, since, well, what I'm wondering what actual sort of help it will provide since I wasn't really into the fic not because the fic sucked, but because the fic wasn't at par with what I'd prefer to read and I had little to no idea of what the fic is all about anyway. What do I know what works or not in the plot of this chapter? But then I said, "What the heck, the whole thing's done already." So, as usual with C&C, take it with a grain of salt. ^-^ In any case, I hope the legitimate grammar corrections (all two of 'em) were of help.

John Biles wrote:

Somehow, most of the chapter went POOF the first time.  Lemme try again.

It's better now. Hi. Name's Abdiel. I'll be your C&Cer for today. :) I must apologize for my lack of knowledge of some of the series from which this fic is based on. All I know is, um, some of the many anime so just make use of whatever comments are of use to you and ignore the rest. I also haven't been following this series, so I'll just comment on the chapter in general. 

Wheel of Anime:  Book 2 - The Hunt Is On
Chapter 4:  A Day in the Life

By John Biles

http://www.thekeep.org/~wombat/Stories/Jordan/

I've never been able to C&C your fics usually because of their incredible length and my incredible laziness to even drop a line on how great your fics are and how much of a genius you are. ;) It makes me kind of glad that this fic is in a C&C-able size (20+ pages as opposed to 60+ pages). Oh, before laziness/life takes a hold of me again, let me take this opportunity to say that Children of Fire is one of the best Ranma/SM xovers out there, and that's saying something, considering the volume of Ranma/SM xovers there are... I'll end my run-on sentence now. *ahem* Can't wait for chapter XX! :P

	"Can we afford to wait over a month?" Setsuna asked.

	"We must.  By then, no one will be paying attention.  Also, as you 
know, a fair number of Aes Sedai quietly leave just before Mabriam's Day 
in order to avoid the pranks."

...And here we have another episode of "You had to be there." ^-^; (nods) Sure. Mabriam's day? Always a hassle. And those Aes Sedai? I mean... Damn, man. Damn.

(reads summary in your site) Oh, so those are the Aes Sedai. I see. (sighs, still lost) Haven't read the rest of the fic itself, though. Maybe if this fic catches my fancy. (shrugs) Hard to do so in the middle of a fic where you're hopelessly lost on what's happening, after all. And since you've mentioned that this will be a lampoon of sorts, I must apologize for not getting most of the jokes. (the Fanboy Wars comes to mind...)

Of course, this is probably part of the reason why I don't regularly C&C like some of the people in this list. I do it by bulk and in random bursts, especially when I'm particularly bored and my primary source of entertainment (my precious Lite On CD-RW ;_;) has been busted and won't be fixed till sometime later during the weekend, keeping me from watching recently acquired DivX compilations of miscellaneous unwatched anime series, but these are really geeky, embarrassing and unrelated digressions. Moving on...

Aside from college and conflicts of schedule, by the time I do have time to C&C, (don't spread the hate, people... just spread the love, C&C's the gift that keeps on giving...) the fics currently posted are already in the middle of their run. Should that stop a person from giving C&C? Yeah, since any sane person should read whatever he missed in the archives before reading fic chapter 2 or so... but this is a Bailesu fic, and his definition of the a chapter is "a quarter to half of novel-length." I'm too lazy to read through that extensive an archive over a crossover fic that features a series that I'm unfamiliar with.

Wait... scratch that. What I meant to say was that, "Yeah, since any sane person should read archives before reading fic chapter 2 or so... but then I believe no C&C will be done that way. So, at the expense of making silly and ignorant comments about the plot and at most doing spelling and grammar corrections, I will persevere." Ignore the rant above. The one in quotations is the one you should believe. I have nothing but pure intentions when I C&C. 

Don't mind me. I'm distracting myself from my piddly amount of knowledge.

	Setsuna said, "Or to set up a truly impressive one."

	"Yes, exactly.  No one will notice.  I am having the men Lord Parn 
sent remain here so that they can join you; the few Tower personnel who 
have to be involved, the easier it will be to keep secret.  They don't yet 
know why they're waiting, of course."

	"Of course," Setsuna said.  "I wonder which of the two boys will 
be the Hornblower."

boys: O_O

Setsuna: What's your problem?

boy1: We know what you mean, but can we call ourselves something _other_ than hornblowers?

boy2: (nods eagerly in agreement)

	For example, Ranma-chan's day on the twenty third of Amaline

Suggest: twenty-third of Amaline
 
opened with the ringing of bells as the sky outside was starting to light 
up.  Ranma-chan jumped down out of bed, slipping on one of Usagi's stuffed 
animals as usual.  The sound of her crying out in pain caused Usagi to 
start, sit up, bang her head on the top bunk, and pass out.

Heh. At least some things never change, even in alt-world fanfic.

	Usagi sprang out of bed like all the Fanboys in the Blight 

If I hadn't read ahead, I would have listed this as an author digression. O_o

were 
after her, and quickly changed into a dress, then was out the door, 
leaving Ranma-chan to amble over to the next room and knock.

	Ukyou was dressed and ready, dragging a still-groggy Hinako along. 
"Hey, Ranchan," she said.  "Where's Usagi?"

If 'Ranma-chan' can be hyphened, why can't 'Ranchan'? Just curious, is all.

	"So, how was the trip?" Ranma-chan asked Nanami.  "You being a 
city girl and all, I expect you're not used to the countryside."  The 
Warder Trainees took periodic trips out into the countryside to get them 
used to travelling

traveling

	"Master Yupa was quite pleased with my progress," Nanami said a 
little stiffly.

	"She only fell in two rabbit holes the second day, and one the 
third," Kurz translated.

Suggest: ...and one on the third," Kurz translated.

	"But you get the whole evening free and we have study hall," Ukyou 
said.  "And we have to do all those chores."

	"Oh yes, like making you cook will kill you," Ranma-chan said. 
"You get to do something you like instead of things which suck."

Hmmm. From the given context clues, it would seem that everyone who's anyone here, personality-wise, is still the same... only this time they live in some sort of new world with this school/training institute where 'upperclassmen' and 'lowerclassmen' rankings apply. Okay.

	"If we had to do chores on top of everything else, I would DIE," 
Kurz said.

	"The best thing about those chores is that I've been able to make 
some pocket money doing them for Kohai for pay," Nanami said.  "As some 
people really desperately want more free time."

(blinks) Er, two things. I guess it should be expected in a chapter titled, "A day in the life" to feature everyday conversation, but I dunno, this chapter feels like a filler chapter. On the other hand, what do I know? This may be how a typical WOT fiction reads. In any case, I'm just waiting for a point of interest to appear... maybe something that'll clue everyone in on the supposed 'hunt' that Book 2 suggests. 

	Ukyou's eyes widened.  "Belldandy will...she won't be pleased if 
she finds THAT out."

Suggest: "Belldandy will...She won't be pleased if she finds THAT out."

Because the second part of the statement seems like its own sentence and could be capitalized accordingly.

	"I am discreet, and so are my clients," Nanami said.

If I get a penny for every fanboy whose head will go the gutter after reading that line...

"I'm not as 
in love with poker as Kurz is, so I've got to find something to do with my 
evenings."  She wolfed down a mouthful of stew.  "And I'm not like Ryouga, 
who keeps going down to the forges and letting them use him for free."

Ahh... Despite the radical change of settings, the characters are still themselves. Very cool. So why is it that most fanfiction authors opt for radical lobotomy for every little plot and setting change in their fanfics? (rhetorical question)

	"And Hanajima Sedai will probably expect us to memorize them all," 
Usagi said, finally pausing in gulping down food.

	Ukyou groaned.  "All those Amyrlins.  How can anyone CARE?"

	"She cares," Ranma-chan said, sighing.  "Which means we have to."

	 "BORING," Usagi announced, then began working on a loaf of bread.

I, in the risk of angering your legion of fans if they ever bother reading this piece of C&C, second the motion. ^^; I'm not really getting into this fic, try as I might.

I guess this is the point of the fic... everyday life... so I'm also guessing that everyday life fics aren't for me. Perhaps the main point of this story is all the references and some such reminiscent of the kind of referencing Quentin Tarantino does. Too bad I couldn't catch most of the references, since one of the main crossover series is unfamiliar. Tough luck for me, I guess.

(checks website) Hmmm. Your fic has a farcical theme, I gather? Tsk. Then I'm the guy who has the last laugh because I was the last one to get the joke, if at all.

I guess I just keep on expecting some exciting new point of interest or plot point to pop up and make things interesting a la Children of Fire while you're obviously establishing a steady and balanced view of the kind of life these very familiar characters have in the unfamiliar (to me) setting and environment. But kudos to you for keeping all the characters themselves. At least, in the perspective of a first time reader of this kind of series and genre, the whole thing is still familiar enough for him to keep on reading. Human interest is preserved.

	"But...food..." Usagi said.

Heh.

	"Archery practice AGAIN?" Ryouga asked.

	"We practice archery most mornings," Nuriko said, longbow in hand. 
"I'd have thought you'd have figured that out by now."

	"I don't mind," Kurz said.  "It's fun."

	"You can shoot an arrow into my target any time, Kurz," Nuriko 
said, grinning.

Hmmm. More seemingly random anime characters (from many animes!) entering the fray. This is reading like... a typical newbie fanfic from FF.net (fanfic with all the fave animes of the newbie compiled in one setting), except there's nothing amateur about the plot, the portrayal of the characters, the spelling, grammar and setting (as far as I can tell). It's like a multi-anime crossover done right, even. Too bad I couldn't get into your 'filler chapter', but I believe it's written all right.

	"You could tell, couldn't you, Ryouga?" Nuriko asked Ryouga.

	Ryouga laughed.  "Yes."

	"I wish I couldn't," Kurz mumbled.

"Hornblower," Kurz cursed.

who was trying too hard to open herself and as a 
result was fighting the Source instead of embracing it, as if she was a 
man instead of a woman.  And the Wondergirls (Usagi, Ukyou, and Ranma, as 
Sayoko had dubbed them in her mind)

Somewhere out there, Rei Ayanami is pouting... in a deadpan sort of way.

	Usagi had two flames floating over her head and was making weird 
faces.  "Ooooh, I am the ghost of Low Chasaline..."

Heh. I love your Usagi.

	Kanako quickly wove a disguise weave, taking on the appearance of 
a rotting, floating corpse surrounded by tongues of ghost-flame.  "I am 
the ghost who devours Kohai who don't follow the teacher's instructions."

Figures.

	There was a moment of awful silence.

	And then Usagi screamed, leaped to her feet and ran howling out 
the door.  Ukyou jumped up, a spatula in each hand.  Ranma-chan stared for 
a moment, then said, "We got a little carried away.  Sorry."

LOL.

Usagi's not a bimbo. She's simply fun. ^-^

	"Go find Usagi before she panics anyone.  Then come back here and 
get a mop and bucket.  It's hall scrubbing time," Ghost-Kanako said.

	Ranma-chan sighed, got up, and went after Usagi with Ukyou in tow.

Sooo... here are some stuff I couldn't find out from the context. Where's Akane? Second question... does 'Ranma-chan' ever change back to Ranma?

	As she did so, Drake entered, carrying Yomiko Sedai, who had her 
head stuck in a bucket, which was now bent and twisted around her skull. 
"Can someone get this thing off her?  I'm afraid to use my blade, given 
it's on her head."

(blinks)

Oh, and suggest simplifying the sentences... but of course, this may also be a stylistic, 'advanced' kind of prose. 

And I'm beginning to have the feeling that my 'lost, unfamiliar' feeling with this chapter or even this work will wear on until the final word of this fic.

	Anderson gave a sigh of relief and Hinako hopped over the counter 
to the ground, then pulled a coin and drew just enough energy from Drake 
to charge up for a short time.  She was starting to learn to be more 
precise in how much she took.

	Adult-Hinako then quickly wove flows of Earth and peeled the 
bucket apart with them, followed by a quick weave to help Yomiko get her 
senses back.  "Are you alright, Sedai?"

Suggest: "Are you all right, Sedai?"

	Class with Hanajima Sedai was always a little surreal.  Her hair 
tended to move in non-existant breezes, and you always heard her voice 

non-existent breezes,

	 "We have, in past weeks, discussed the early history of the Tower 
up through the Fanboy Wars in broad terms.  

Well, what do you know? The Fanboy Wars are part of the plot, and isn't a fourth wall digression by the author. Nice parody/lampoon/etc. I haven't seen this much tongue-in-cheek mockery since I last read a Megane 6.7 MST. This is one... original fanfic you've got here, sir... oxymoronic as it may sound.

	Sara put her hand up; she was a short, cranky blonde from Andor. 
She could generally be counted on to be alternately the most disruptive 
person in the class	and

a misplaced 'tab' between 'class' and the word 'and'.

	Hanajima paused for a glass of water.  "The transition to the 
'modern' structure didn't take place until the Fanboy Wars. 

I _am_ morbidly curious as to what war 'Fanboy' Wars refers to... but that may be taking the whole thing too seriously. I also applaud being able to come up with a cheesier, cornier name for a war than the 'Clone' Wars.

The chaos of 
the Fanboy Wars and the collapse of the Covenant was matched by increasing

...the Covenant were matched by...
 
tensions inside the Tower as Sister fought with Sister over where the 
Tower should pitch in and help.  Two events were crucial in the 
reconfiguration of the Tower:  the Fall of the Black Ajah and the

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the double character space after the colon unnecessary? Isn't the general rule of typing double character space limited to the end of sentences, i.e. after periods, question marks and exclamation points?
 
near-simultaneous Betrayal of Tomobiki."

Ataru: (shrugs)

	She paused to take a sip of water as her students watched her 
intently; many seemed quite nervous about what they would hear next.

	"They decided to try to infiltrate the army of the Fanboys 

Army of fanboys... @_@ (eyes glaze) So the entire FFML inserted themselves into your story or something? o_o

Hanajima: After the anime fanfic draught of 1999 and the fall of FFML just a little after the turn of the century, the only remaining fanfics of interest in the predominantly fanboy-populated fic community were that of the Ranma variety. Upon the return of the FFML, songfic writers, lemon writers, scriptfic writers, newbies and fangirls alike felt the unsaid ostracization of the Fanboy supremists and subsequently left to look for 'greener' pastures, so to speak. The fanboys' dominance was left unchecked, prompting a segmentation of the fandom... the neophyte-infested ff.net and the more posh and refined mailing list posters....
 
vested interests meant that this quite logical proposal faced far more 
difficulty than it should have.  Her opposition to it, however, was the 
final seal of Amyrlin Ran's doom.

Suggest: "Amyrlin Ran's opposition to it, however, was the final seal of her doom." Because the pronoun 'her' at the start of the sentence could be confusing to the reader.

	Hanajima paused for breath now, then said, "Does that answer your 
question, Sara?"

(blinks) Sara? Sara who? Did I miss something? ?_?

	"But what about the rumors it exists now?" Sara asked.

	"There have been many efforts to create a secret society of Aes 
Sedai sworn to the Dark One over the centuries.  Many such have taken the 
name of 'Black Ajah' to mock us.  Such groups flourished most between the 
Fanboy Wars and the War of a Hundred Years.  Inevitably, their members 
make a mistake within a few years of their foundation and they are exposed 
and rooted out.  So long as the Dark One exists, some foolish souls will 
turn to him, but you can rest assured that they cannot hide for long among 
our ranks before they are caught."

	Sara seemed relieved.  "Thank you, Sedai."

Foreshadowing, much? I'd say yes, otherwise the fic wouldn't have delved into it. On the other hand, this could be an elaborate ruse to lead the reader into thinking that way, which I doubt. 

	"That wasn't too bad," Ranma-chan said as she and Usagi headed for 
the library.  Three days a week they both spent several hours helping the 
librarians shelve books as part of their chores.

I believe the question that comes to mind at this point of fic is, "Is Ranma-chan permanently female in this fic?"

	"Yeah, we, uh..."  Usagi didn't know about the curse, and 
Ranma-chan wasn't quite ready to tell her.  "Just haven't."

...Or Ranma-chan's been rather lucky not be shot with the hot water.

	A request was as good as a command, unfortunately, so they 
followed him deeper into the library.  Ranma-chan had to drag Usagi, who 
was vibrating like a fault-line in mid-quake.

I'm guessing Usagi's shaking is a plot development that I wasn't able to look into, ne?

	Drake smiled.  "I'll bring you lunch, too, so you won't have to 
leave for that."

	Usagi paled.  "Noooooooooo!!!!!!"

"...Waaaait, lunch?" Usagi asked, perking up instantly.

	Umino now came in and looked for a suitable chair.  The desks were 
not well designed for one of his height, unfortunately, so he simply 
lumbered to the back wall and leaned against it.

IMO, it's the point-by-point narration of each and every last action of all the characters is the thing that's keeping me from enjoying this fic. The pacing is jarringly slower than COF, I believe.

	"So the Queen of Andor decides to invade Murandy and conquer it in 
order to stop the raids," Afura Mann continued.

	"Mother would never invade and conquer another country!" Usagi 
protested.  "No Queen of Andor would!"

	"Such, as, say, Queen Morrigan II of Andor, who tried to conquer 
Murandy in the years 188-203 NE," Afura Mann said.

	Usagi fell silent and stared at her notes.

When you're in Neo-Queen Serenity mode, everything will make sense, Usagi.

Usagi: B-b-but conquering people and stealing their land...! ;_;

	"Or any of a dozen or more other queens of Andor who tried to deal 
with Murandy in that matter.  But we'll call this queen 'Serena' for 
convenience's sake, and name the King of Murandy 'Darien', just so as to 
avoid anyone getting too tied up in real people."

LOL. 

Hmmm... I think the other prob I have of this fic isn't really a prob of the fic in general. I have a feeling that for every in-joke that I get, I've missed about ten or so in the text. ^^; The in-jokes and references may as well be the whole point of this fic, or at least the point of interest/fun factor that I missed.

	Afura Mann paused and wrote the names on the board, then 
continued.  "We could debate the ethics of war here, but we'll move on to 
the central issue.  Due to the usual round of Murandian anarchy, the 
Murandians are defeated in the first battle.  King Darien now appeals to 
the White Tower for help.  Imagine you are the Amyrlin...what would you 
do?

Suggest: Amyrlin...What would you do?

	"Andor has always been a staunch ally of the White Tower," Usagi 
said.  "If I was Amyrlin,

Not sure about this correction... Suggest: "If I were Amyrlin" or "If I were the Amyrlin" (?)

	Kari paused for breath and Usagi cut in, "We can't just sit back 
and let them raid us!  I know war is bad, but they started it!  And 
Murandy is such a hell-hole, they'd be better off if someone came in and 
taught them some manners."

O_O

Ah. Talk of politics. This is a very intellectual fic. I'm not against that, but this is the first time that the fic has shown signs of life. 

	"Calm down," Afura said, though she seemed a little pleased to 
have successfully engaged her students.  "We're not here to decide whose 
country is 'better'.  You are to be Aes Sedai.  The Tower, not the land of 
your birth, is your home now.  There are no Murandians, Kandori, Altarans, 
or whatever here.  Now, would anyone else like to express an opinion on 
this issue?  Once we've hit the major options, we'll start analyzing 
them."

If only this kind of discussion was present in the first parts of the fic, where the only points of interest were the character interaction in the face of continuous and arbitrary work and other everyday events...

	"What, turn it into something like Amadicia is to the SubNazis?" 
Ukyou asked.

	"Exactly," Lillith said.  "And if he wouldn't pay up, then I'd go 
to Andor and threaten to help him anyway if they didn't make appropriate 
concessions.  Say, ceding part of their conquests to the control of the 
Tower."

I'm guessing the WOT fans would love this, because I have noooo idea.

	"That's all pretty selfish," Ukyou said.  "We're supposed to be 
better than that."

	Lillith began to laugh, then said, "That's politics, farmgirl. 

Suggest: farm girl

You have to be willing to swim in the deep waters if you want to struggle 
with the sharks."

	"Any other opinions?" Afura asked.

	"I would help the Murandians drive the Andorans back to their own 
lands." Kari said.

lands," Kari said.

	"I'd send the Gray Ajah in to negotiate, but I would mostly stay 
out of it unless the Andorans or the Murandians started asking the Dark 
One for help," Ranma-chan said.  "Never get in the middle of someone 
else's fight if you can help it."

Sounds reasonable.

	"But don't the Andoran lords also raid into Murandy?" Shinobu 
asked.

	"Only in retaliation for Murandian raids!" Usagi said a little 
heatedly.

Heh. It's nice to see Usagi a bit peeved. Of course it'd make sense that she'd be a bit biased and a bit emotional in these touchy subjects.

	He blinked, then slowly scratched his chin, then tried to put his 
notebook down and couldn't find anything to put it on.  

When it comes to Umino, there's a lot of exposition on his movements and mannerisms. Is there a reason for this?

He then stuffed it 
into a coat pocket and said, "Well, it might be noted that the Tower has 
not intervened in any wars between just two nations

What does he mean by 'just two nations'? Two nations who are fair and reasonable? 'Only' two nations? 

	"Secondly, the record of nations and conquests these last thousand 
years is not good.  Past Andoran efforts to conquer Murandy have all 
failed.  In general, all the major attempts at conquest have failed.  Even 
nations which were far further into anarchy than Murandy generally 
couldn't be successfully conquered; within a generation or two, they just 
slipped away like sand between fingers.  Cairhien could not hold Hardon. 
Tear could not hold Mar Haddon, nor Illian Maredo.  And so forth.  Such a 
war is likely to only weaken both sides."

	"And finally, the Last Battle is coming.  At such a time, we can't 
afford to fight with each other."

	He paused for breath, then said, "So, knowing that, I would say 
that it is probably best the Tower keep its neutrality and send the Gray 
Ajah to negotiate a peace settlement."

Hmmm. A very Umino-ish response, to be sure. His little rant reads a lot like this fic, actually... long and intellectually stimulating, and only those who can really understand what it says can really appreciate it. :)

	She paused for a breath, then said, "Alright, now, let's get into

Suggest: All right, now...Let's get into

	"If you're really grateful, you'll stop getting yourself 
pointlessly pounded flat by Kurz.  Find yourself someone who, well, wants 
a man."

	"Not as easy as you would think," Nuriko said, sighing.

	Ukyou glanced across the room at Ranma-chan, who was busy treating 
Kurz.  "I suppose not."

Heh.

	"Maybe technically, but we haven't seen anyone from the Queen in 
generations if that recently," Ukyou said.  "Alright, I think your wounds 
should be alright now."

Suggest: all right now."

	Nuriko took Ukyou's hand and kissed it; she blushed a little. 
"Thank you, kind lady."

	"You...you flatter me," she said.  It was very strange to her; she 
knew Nuriko was a man, but he dressed and looked like a woman, and it was 
like being kissed by another woman.  But she was suddenly very intensely 
aware that he was in fact male.

Hmmm. You have an Ukyo-Kunoichi thing going on here.

	"Mother was the first Queen who could channel at all, and she was 
too weak to even become a Sempai, let alone a full Sister.  But 
Usagi...she will go far.  If she doesn't convince everyone around her to 
kill her first."  He sighed.  "She is kind and gentle, but she is also a 
little too aware of being a princess, if you know what I mean.

Fascinating. A look into an Usagi that's actually into politics, I mean.

	Kurz looked hopefully at Ukyou, who shook her head.

Nuriko raises his hand enthusiastically. Kurz ignores him with the same amount of enthusiasm.

	Soun was both a great and a terrible poker player.  He was great 
in the sense that it was nearly impossible to tell what he was thinking. 

This is not any Soun I'm familiar with. O_o

	"Weeks at minimum," Soun said.  "I am not sure if we are going to 
go somewhere and stay a while or just go and return."

	Ryouga looked over at Nanami, who said, "Don't worry, Hinako, 
he'll make it back alright."

	"Are you sure?" Hinako asked, a little worried.

Awww.

At this point, because of all the unfamiliarity and my lack of interest for this sort of fic (my own preference, certainly not the preference of your legion of Bailesu fans, xover fans and WOT fans), I'll do a massive snippage up until the end part of this chapter.

<snip>

	"I wouldn't punish someone for being honest with me," Usagi said 
firmly.

	"Well, that makes you pretty unusual," Ranma-chan said, sighing. 
"Lot of people would."

	"I don't want to be like that," Usagi said.

	"Me neither," Ranma-chan said.  "You feeling better?"

	"Yeah," Usagi said.  She leaned over and kissed Ranma-chan on the 
cheek.  "Thank you."

	Ranma-chan blushed a little and got up.  "You're welcome."

	"Goodnight, Ranma."

	"G'nite, Usagi."

Awww. Kinda-sorta-WAFF.

Warning: Major rantage ahead. Watch your head.

First off, this story was a-okay. It was undoubtedly well-written. It has typical quality expected from a Bailesu fic. It was well-told and well-paced, one of the stories where the author showed the story instead of simply telling it. The characterization is great--something more than the usual "being here, know what this guy is like" sort of thing. And many of the characters are more or less well-developed; showing that even though it seems that there are too many of them to work on all at once it's still possible to develop more than acceptable characterization. Hey, it gave me a chuckle or two or six. ^-^

Now comes the critic. Agree? Disagree? Needless to say, it's your jurisdiction. I'm just making suggestions on how it could be improved in mine eyes, and if goes against the general framework you have of this fic and series, it's all good. 

Ah. Everyday life, IMO, is not meant for prose. Maybe it's because I'm used to more action-oriented or character-oriented fun. Maybe it's because I have no idea. Perhaps I was expecting Children of Fire everyday life interaction, just without the action. Then again, that's just one of the many genres you've delved in, Mr. Biles. 

But as far as I'm concerned, points of interests either originate from everyday people going through extraordinary events or extraordinary people going through everyday events. This fic could've been the latter of the two examples, save the 'extraordinariness' of the featured characters here are not apparent at all. They're all acting like ordinary people going through ordinary life. Sure, it has human interest and sure people can relate to school, to boring lectures and to eating, sleeping, chatting etc... but IMO the story lacks excitement that I personally would love to read about. Since I'm ignorant of the story and I'm probably preparing to neatly hang myself from criticizing a work through my biases and ignorance, then maybe the 'lack' of the 'fun-factor' I'm seeing is simply roots from said biases (comparing this _chapter_ to the whole of Children of Fire) and ignorance (of the plot of this series in general).

But listen to me, comparing this fic to COF... Unfair? Maybe. But I guess preference and bias do play a role in whether a person will enjoy a fic or not, or else nobody in the Catholic community would have batted an eye on The Da Vinci Code. What use are these comments to you? Er, a newbie/new reader's take on your fic if they read in the middle of it? Two valid grammar corrections at most? :P

All in all? It reads well as an everyday life fic, and we see another side of the characters... the normal, everyday side. It must because of the fact that I missed the in-jokes, or it's probably all this talk about what happened in between the end of the Second Age and the current Third Age. If a feeling of normalcy is the intentions of this fic, then you've accomplished it through leaps and bounds. Well, maybe not leaps and bounds, but it reads pretty ordinary. The irony of it all is that the ordinariness which distanced me from liking this fic may as well be the very point of the fic.

Summary of review: Nice, but not my thing. It must be because of my unfamiliarity of the Wheel of Time content, or it must be because of the pacing. But still, it's very well-written.

Lastly, looking forward for more chapters of Children of Fire in the FFML, if possible. :)

Keep on writing,
Abdiel


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