finally, am doing some more intensive C+C:

Sigourney looked over her guests.  Mireille Bouquet looked normal
enough, a little younger than herself and Charlotte, speaking
French with just a trace of a Corsican accent.  The others were
younger:  Kirika Yuumura, an oriental girl, Japanese by the name,
looked to be in her late teens, and the other two girls, one
Indian by appearance and the other Southeast Asian, were
considerably younger, perhaps ten.

"Please, let's all sit down," Charlotte urged, gesturing at the
limited seating.  The apartment was definitely small:

drop 'definitely' just saying it's small will do.

"The wishes of the children involved should ALWAYS take
precedence,"

Not really. Kids are generally stupid and have no cocept of long term 
planning, also tend to be hedonistic to the extreme. They frequently don't 
know what's good for them, and need adults to guide them.

- - - - - - - - - -
"Ya can get the money from my sister, Sigourney!  She's a lawyer,
she's gotta have the dough!"

The heavy man sitting behind the large, solid desk took a slow,
considered puff of his expensive cigar as he studied the man
standing in front of his desk.  Two reliable employees held the
thin, pleading man tightly pinioned.

I'm not getting much of a read on where they are. I only have a couple of 
guys and a desk right now. Might want to devote a brief paragraph here.

"Mr. Lawley, you owe my organization some eighteen thousand euros.
You haven't paid even

even paid

"But she's got the money!  And, and," Silvester Lawley's tone
rose as his nervousness increased, "she agreed to co-sign the
loan!  Yes, that's right, Mr. Renault, sir; Sis is the one who's
reneging on the loan, not me!  Not me!"

Georgie Renault turned his head slightly towards the older man
standing quietly behind him.  "Etienne?  What d'ya think?"

"Mr. Lawley's here is the only signature we have on file, sir.  I
advise you to just kneecap him and write off the loss.

Yeah, it's actually bad for business to let the guy that took out the loan 
to use a scapegoat. It'll be even worse than letting him go, as others will 
start not paying on their loses and just scapegoat their nearest relatives.

 That's

what Girard would have done," Etienne LeFevre replied.  "And then
there's his older brother, the Chief Inspector, to consider.  We
believe he washed his hands of Silvester long ago, but he almost
certainly cares about his sister.  Girard always said never to let
the police take it personally."

Not unless you want a war, and no upper level criminal organization does. 
Only one wanting to make a name for itself would.

Turning back to face Silvester Lawley, Renault continued.  "Okay,
mebbe your sister can come up with the money.  But since we don't
got her signature, you're gonna have to ask her for us nicely.
And I don't mean tomorrow."

As long as Sil is doing the dirty work, that's different.

- - - - - - - - - -
"Okay, that's settled," Sigourney agreed.  "Let's go

Let's move (sounds better)

"I'm from Surabaya, on the island of Java, in Indonesia.  My
father's name was Soedjati Tanjung.  The same thing happened to
me:  we were playing, we heard shooting, and we hid.  Later Mother
and Father Sarkhovsky found me.  They told me my family was dead
and showed me the bodies.  They took me to the hotel room where
Aditi was watching TV.  The next day we all four flew to Moscow
and met Grandfather.  The five of us lived in an apartment in
the south part of Moscow."

Heh. I guess they have no idea of how uncommon that sort of thing is.

"I can't tell you, Sigi, everything that happened.  I just can't
talk about it.  But I have no doubt at all that if it weren't for
Mireille and Kirika, I would be dead now.  Whatever they are, I
think you should bear that in mind."

'The Ends Justifies the Means'. The road to hell is paved with that. :)

Sigourney hesitated a moment, then continued in a lower tone.
"And your... special feelings?  What do they say?"

Ah ha. Special powers now. That's a bit beyond the normal Noir setting.

Charlotte frowned.  "Those two give me the STRANGEST feelings,
really eerie.  I've never met anyone, not even the holiest priest
or nun, who gave me such a feeling of... of having a mission
beyond human ken.  A mission to which normal human standards of
right and wrong might not apply."

"Great," Sigourney replied drily.  "Okay, let me ask you this:  do
THEY think they're on a mission From God?"

Jake and Elwood were more charismatic, though. :)

- - - - - - - - - -
"Wow!  Neat!  You guys had a shoot-out here?!"  Aditi exclaimed at
the sight of the bullet-holes in the walls of the apartment

Aditi and Tati glanced at each other uneasily.

"What if you had a fight?  If you both said things which hurt the
other, very, very badly?  And then you had to go out to fight
together?  Could you trust the other as much as before?  Could you
trust yourself not to falter?  To fight just as hard as ever for
someone who'd just hurt you deeply?"

The girls shifted in their seats.

"Mireille and I learned all of that; we had to.  It took us a long
time.  But because of that struggle I came to trust Mireille
completely, and then to love her."

Nice summation

"And the new guy's got big plans," Mireille said in disgust.
"Well, you take your poor excuse for muscle here and clear out.
You tell Georgie he's to keep his hands off Ms. Lawley here.  I'd
better not see either of you bothering her again, understand?
And advise Monsieur Renault to go back to playing these things
Girard Tufay's way; he'll last a lot longer."

No he won't. He's suffering from terminal stupidity in both what he can 
handle and what he should be doing. He'll either bite off more than he can 
chew, or his own men will kill him before he does.

"And they came to you for it?" Simon said in astonishment.  "That
mob's old boss, Tufay, would never have done anything like that!
What could Renault be thinking?"

Eh. It's time to turn his attention to the areas of town they control and 
squeeze him as a warning to what happens when he goes outside his unofficial 
bounds.

Sigourney tapped one fingernail on the table while she digested
this revelation.  Unpleasant, but was it any of her business?
Yes, it was; she was on Mireille's retainer now, so Mireille was
her client.  And, more importantly, there were the two girls to
consider.  "Ok,

Okay

"There you go again, Simon.  You're supposed to uphold the law!"
Sigourney glared at her brother.  Why did he say things like that?

"My job is protecting people, Sigourney," Simon replied mildly.
"The law is a means to that end."

Ah ha. He's probably willing to doctor evidence then. Bad boy.

"Yeah?  Well I ain't waiting around for that broad to come gunning
for me.  I'm taking her down hard.  Marc," Renault pointed at the
dandy.  "You take Ahmed with you and track that dame down.  Follow
her.  I wanna know when she's stationary.

All it would take is a good rifle and better shot to take care of her long 
range, but there are no good shots amongst the criminals in Noir. :)

"We went down into the sewers at one point," Aditi added.  "Kirika
taught us how to hold a gun and shoot."

"We weren't supposed to mention that," Tati replied reprovingly.

"Oh!  And there was that bar where all the retired spies hang
out!" Aditi exclaimed in recollection.

"And the dojo where we can learn kung fu!"

To Sigourney's glare, Kirika looked apologetic.  "I'm sorry,
but I couldn't think of anything else to show them.  What else is
there to do in Paris?"

Kill people.

Sigourney stared.  Charlotte pursed her lips in amusement.

The three women and two girls entered the deserted, dimly-lit
square where Mireille was supposed to meet them only to find
Mireille on the ground, curled up, with six large men kicking
and cursing her.

Must be an off day for Mireille to let thugs get the drop on her.

- - - - - - - - - -
"Charlotte, that woman KILLED two men right in front of the girls!
You saw it yourself!  How could I possibly have left two children
in their care?!"

"Yeah!  That was SO NEAT!" Aditi interjected.

And that's exactly why. They're already too desensatized to death

 >

"Violence never solves anything!"

Eh? Of course it frequently does, hence why so many people readily use it. 
It always has since they dawn of time and always will. It's people that are 
in denial like Sig that are in many ways extremely dangerous. They try to 
make the world conform to their flawed premise, and when things don't work, 
they start blame shifting rather than admit they're wrong and make things 
worse by trying to fit the square peg in a round hole. The more accurate 
saying is 'Violence doesn't solve everything'. :)

Sigourney frowned.  "I'm not saying those gangsters weren't bad
guys.  I'm just saying that Ms. Bouquet and Ms. Yuumura aren't
any better.

Nonsense. You can be bad, but not as bad as someone else. She's really got a 
screwed up life philosophy.

 They're ALL bad, and children shouldn't be exposed

to people like them!"

Now this is true.

"Better'n THIS crap," Aditi muttered darkly.

They do need help. Lots of it very quickly. :)

Etienne LeFevre shrugged, then replied in a low tone.  "Sir, I
really suggest you just kneecap Mr. Lawley here and forget about
everything else.  We can't afford another loss like yesterday's.
The Bouquets are not remembered in Corsica for their forbearance
or forgiveness."

Georgie ruminated.  "I'll look weak.  The other gangs might try
to move in."

Etienne; Hire Mirelle to deal with them, then. She'll be worth every euro

Mireille's next two shots, one through Georgie's head and one
through his heart, prevented any further contemplation of his
men's competency.

Not like he was competent. :P

Slowly, sadly, Etienne LeFevre shook his head.  "I would have died
happily fighting for your father if I'd had the chance, Mam'selle,
but that chance never came."  He shrugged.  "I don't know that I
could enjoy life in Corsica any more.  Too much water under the
bridge since then.  I'm sorry, Mam'selle."

Etienne LeFevre reached for his gun, knowing he'd never make it.

Tsk tsk. A well, if he has a death wish, by all means, grant it.

"Friends," Mireille murmured consideringly, as she glanced at
Kirika, who nodded.  "Yes.  We'd like that."

Hmm. While this was good, you're starting to repeat a pattern that isn't 
working for me. Then again, I had the same problem with Noir itself in that 
most of the villains came across as generic, terminally stupid, and the 
worst of shots. Too much bad guy of the week for me. Also no sense of 
tension largely because of it. But as I said, the original series was a lot 
like that for me, so I guess you can say this is definitely Noir flavored. 
Since this is a written work rather than an episode of the week, you can 
work things differently. Maybe move the plot line along, or make a decent 
bad guy. Not sure what you have in mind for future chapters, though, and you 
might not be able to do it.

ANyway, it was worth reading and looking over, and I'll try to do the same 
for future chapters.

DB Sommer





             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'