Bert Miller wrote:

Very nice chapter.  I especially like your treatment
of Skuld; "Thou art a meanie!" indeed!  Heh.

Writing a brat Executioner was fun, but made me ponder the dialogue and 
external behaviors of the character a bit more than usual.

Again, I'll skip the prologue, having already commented
on it.

There were no changes to it anyway.

It seemed like you had more misspellings than usual in
here, and in some places you style seemed a bit rough.
I think one-more edit pass would help a lot.

Did so, making a lot of corrections. Actually, blame Stephen King for it, 
since I had just finished reading over a bit of his recommendations in 'On 
Writing' and maybe went a touch overboard with breaking down sentences and 
trying to avoid passive verbs. But problems will arise when trying to 
improve one's writing style. I'm afraid of stagnation as much as anything 
else.

Quoting DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net>:

shot her venomous stares. Amidration and Envy

(sp) "Admiration"

I wasn't paying close enough attention to spell check. So much for one of my 
better writing aides. :P

Actually, the sentence beginning "Admiration and Envy"
isn't a sentence; suggest "...while the moral harridans
shot her venomous stares:  admiration and envy...
using either a comma or a colon.

Yeah, I reworked that one.

Chiyoko waited until they were out of sight

I like this girl.  She has spunk.

Thanks.

Kaori had the position of the large group of men
obeying this siren of the super villain set being
tracked by the news helicopter flying high overhead.

I had to read this sentence four times before it made
sense to me.  Suggest you simplify.  And might choose a
word other than "siren" there, as well.

Yeah, it's a monster. Will axe.

Whoa, that woman is the most prepared for romancing
that I have seen in my life

Not a very Ryo-like statement

Oh? I rather thought the comment dead on considering she's being transported 
around on an actual bed, and Ryo has never been one to want to waste time 
with romance. He'd much rather go direct to the sleeping with the babe part. 
This is essentially the ideal woman for him.

she'd be phoning her Uncle Peter in the United States

Would this be the Uncle Peter whose first name
is "Henry" and last name "Gyrich"?

Hmm. Thought his first name was Peter, rather than Henry. Although he's 
usually identified by a venomous 'Gyrich' most of the time. :)

And yes, it's him. Outline says he pops up early next chapter. So does Kang, 
finally.

Croquet us to death?

Heh.  The give-away, to those paying attention, that
this is Skuld, appearances notwithstanding.  Nice
description for the Executioner, by the way; if memory
serves, he did wear a helmet on first appearence, but
seldom thereafter.

Actually I think I tipped everyone off in the preview in the last chapter

...were about...  (it's the years, not the vengeance)

She could barely retrain herself.

Suspect you want "restrain"; the middle of class is
hardly the place for Ukyou to be retraining herself, in
archery or anything else.

Ah, but practice makes perfect.

I think he controls hawks.

Heh.  And is either a reincarnated Egyptian prince or a
lawman from another planet, too.

But still, as the Angel himself pointed out, having the super ablity of 
giant feathered wings sprouting out of one's back is surpassed in lameness 
only by having four arms. :)

Overall, a very nice chapter, one of the betters ones
in this series, I thought.  Looking forward to more.

Most of Act II is probably going to have each chapter focusing on a handful 
of characters. Wasp in the first. Hawkeye and Thor in this. Next up should 
be the Hulk. Also advancing subplots along at the same time. So far I think 
I'm balancing it resonably well.

I am tempted to write my side story of Dr. Doom replacing his ineffective 
Doombots with Chobits, though.

Dr. Doom: People have few compunctions about using massive amounts of 
destructive force against my visage. Therefore I am going to employ a 
psychological edge by creating my new Doombots in the image of attractive, 
nubile, teenage girls. Who can bring themselves to rip apart young 
attractive ladies? Now if only I can get the prototype to say something 
other than 'Chi' all the time.

Thanks for all the comments. Mucho apprectiated.



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'