Overall, I'd call this fic average.  I think the biggest problem this fic
has is that its trying to cram too much into it.  It sounds like you knew
exactly how you wanted the beginning and the ending to look, but had trouble
figuring out what to put in the middle.

Some suggestions:

1) Delete about half the scenes at school and narrate about them later.  It
goes faster and nothing really important to the chapter happened there
anyway.

2) The mugger scene, why is it there?  How does it further the story?  If
you can't answer that question, it probably needs to go as well

3) Read the whole story aloud (note: personal experience has taught me to
only do this when you're ALONE.)  Reading aloud will help you catch more
errors in dialogue and pacing.

4) You mentioned that you wanted it longer than 25 pages.  Pick up three
favorite books and count the pages each of them has in the first Chapter.
Twenty-five is a bit on the long side for a Chapter One.  Hence, another
reason to trim down.

The good bits:

The fight scene at the end was good.  Too many fanfics drag out a
monster-of-the-week fight.  In the anime AND manga, fights with the MOTW
tend to go just as fast as yours.

Decent dialog.

The aftermath of the wedding was superb.  It makes sense for them to have
that kind of reaction.

Final analysis: A good read, nothing special, no grand goals or message to
spout, just a little bit of entertainment.


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