Very nice chapter.  I especially like your treatment
of Skuld; "Thou art a meanie!" indeed!  Heh.

Again, I'll skip the prologue, having already commented
on it.

It seemed like you had more misspellings than usual in 
here, and in some places you style seemed a bit rough.
I think one-more edit pass would help a lot.


Quoting DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net>:

shot her venomous stares. Amidration and Envy

(sp) "Admiration"

Actually, the sentence beginning "Admiration and Envy"
isn't a sentence; suggest "...while the moral harridans
shot her venomous stares:  admiration and envy...
using either a comma or a colon.

All of them rushed toward, her, 

first comma shouldn't be there

A minor enchantment to befuddle mortal's

should be "mortals'", I think, as Urd seems to be using
the plural

Chiyoko waited until they were out of sight

I like this girl.  She has spunk.

Kaori had the position of the large group of men
obeying this siren of the super villain set being
tracked by the news helicopter flying high overhead.

I had to read this sentence four times before it made 
sense to me.  Suggest you simplify.  And might choose a 
word other than "siren" there, as well.

Whoa, that woman is the most prepared for romancing
that I have seen in my life

Not a very Ryo-like statement (though I'm not quite
sure of the best way to render "mokkori" into English),
especially as you're generally steering clear of
citrusy flavor in this series; "That woman makes me
more erect than I've been in my life" doesn't seem to
fit.  Actually, how about dispensing with speech
altogether here?  Just two loud wolf whistles, in
unison, followed by both galloping towards Urd?

Something had to be done and stop super-villains

"had to be done to stop..."

she�d be phoning her Uncle Peter in the United States

Would this be the Uncle Peter whose first name 
is "Henry" and last name "Gyrich"?

Going to an all guy's school

I don't think that should be the possessive.
Suggest "all-guys school"; you're just saying that the
school is of an all-guys sort, not that all guys own it.

Croquet us to death?

Heh.  The give-away, to those paying attention, that
this is Skuld, appearances notwithstanding.  Nice
description for the Executioner, by the way; if memory
serves, he did wear a helmet on first appearence, but
seldom thereafter.

Ten long years of vengeance was about

...were about...  (it's the years, not the vengeance)

She could barely retrain herself.

Suspect you want "restrain"; the middle of class is
hardly the place for Ukyou to be retraining herself, in
archery or anything else.

His impish little self and become very

Suggest "...self had become..."

a non-vital area, of course, She'd...

"She'd" shouldn't be capitalized

I think he controls hawks.

Heh.  And is either a reincarnated Egyptian prince or a
lawman from another planet, too.

the irate glares she shot her way

...glares they shot her way...

alien race whose forms were identical large mounds of

dirt...

...were identical to large mounds...

not an option that meant changing into Thor

Suggest comma after "option"

As one students, body builders, and policemen

Suggest comma after "one"

The effect was instantiations

Suspect that word is supposed to be "instantaneous"


Overall, a very nice chapter, one of the betters ones
in this series, I thought.  Looking forward to more.


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