Yay! Good news.. No jury duty. Now I can take breath a sigh of relief and do 
some stuff

hkmiller wrote:

BTW, used most of your grammar comments.

Since I already commented on the prologue separately, I'll skip directly
to the story
proper.  Of course, since I haven't perused all the other C&C this story
has received,
I'll probably duplicate some.

DB Sommer wrote:

�Nuh uh.� Genma the grunt was barely intelligible as a response.

"Genma's grunt" I think you want.

Yeah

�Oh,� Kasumi said, turning to watch the men go. The movement caused her
robe to fall open even more. Now she showed a bit of areola from her

Isn't that "areole"?  (not that it's all that common a word)

Yes. Will change

Normally I visit some of the lonely housewives in the neighborhood
around this time of the month. It�s one of the advantages of not being a
salaryman: I have a pick of unattended women.�

Ah, yes, all those lonely housewives within ten miles of my home who
email me (and millions of
other people) about their loneliness and their needs...

And yet, there's plenty of infidelity that goes around...

�She�s still spoken of in awe there,� Soun confirmed. �All the girls
know I�m her widower and treat me especially nice. I�m sure I can talk
them into treating you as well.�

Second "treating" meaning "for free", I take it?

yeah, but I'm going to reword this anyway since it sounds awkward to me.

Genma slapped his hand affectionately across Soun�s shoulders. �That�s
my Tendou. I should have known you�d have a plan. Lead on. I shall be
close behind.�

Surprised Soun is willing to turn his back on Genma when he's in this
condition...

Nah. Genma is straight, and not completely out of control. No risk here.

Sayuri�s attitude became icy. �I am a vegetarian. I do not eat meat.�

�Not even if it�s charbroiled to perfection with barbeque sauce
slathered on it?�

Heh.  Ranma's showing off his sensitivity here, I see.

He's trying to make her see reason. :)

�Just as I thought. You don�t get out much. Take it from someone that�s
actually been out in nature, the only right animals are interested in is
getting something to eat, and frequently that means eating another
animal. Not only do I respect that right, but I follow their example.

heh.  Nice comeback, actually, though I don't think it would actually
work on a committed
vegetarian of the opposite sex.

This harkens back to a blind date I had. Easily one of the worst nights of 
life.

Ranma sighed and began to tell her all about �Ranko�, wondering why the
hell she was so interested in his alter ego anyway.

Ranma really does come across as a bit too slow here.  The Yuka and
Sayuri Show is a
pretty good gag, but keeping it going too long may trying your readers'
suspension of disbelief.

Oh, he would have figured it out by now except Nabiki is feeding him false 
information. He's trying to fit them into the molds that he's been told they 
fit in. This is something people do, though if he keeps getting conflicting 
messages he'll eventually see through things.

OTOH, having Ranma find out everything is uninteresting.  What to do,
what to do...
How about a comic mixup which causes Ranma to replace his current set of
misconceptions
with another set?  Say, somehow the hypnotic mushrooms cause Yuka,
Sayuri, and perhaps
Akane to all swap roles around, at least their actions, loudly protested
(which Ranma ignores);
the mushrooms wear off, but Ranma's new beliefs persist?  If it doesn't
work, you can always
return Ranma to the current set after a chapter or two.

Already have a full plate now and probably won't be able to fit that in. 
Sorry. On the other hand, the Yuka Sayuri thing isn't going to pop up in 
every chapter, so it's not likely to wear thin too quickly.

The attendant said, �Make� certain� you� visit� the� center� of� the�
conservatory� where� the� master� awaits� you.�

Ranma asked, �Master?�

�Oh� did� I� say� master? I� meant� the� masterpiece� display. Yes� the�
masterpiece� display� waits� for� you.�

Heh.

Mindless slaves trying to thick quick on their feet. Not the prettiest of 
things to see.

�Uh, I�m really not sure.� Ranma had this horrible feeling he was
missing something.

Heh.

See? He's starting to suspect.

Suggest "looking upon the scene with disdain through his trademark
mirrored sunglasses".


Another engaging chapter.  However, did you ever really explain why
Ranma was able
to suck out the plant's energy, when nobody else could?  If you're
keeping it a secret for
a while (inherited a condition from Genma, who got it from Happosai...),
suggest making
it a slightly bigger deal:  "Ranma scratched his head, wondering.  Why
was it the plant
reacted so much differently to him than to everybody else?  He wondered
if he'd ever
find out."

I don't want to beat people in the head with the clues. It's fairly obvious 
now something's up, espeically with the history at the beginning, Genny's 
complaints, and Ranma sucking the energy out. It's hard to miss, and will 
definitely make sense in hindsight, as will one of the clues dropped in the 
Marzhan abduction chapter, which was much more subtle.

Thanks for all the help. It's really appreciated.

DB Sommer 



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