$Sweet.  Was starting to worry I'd dropped these chapters into the FFML 
without even a ripple, though lemons do get less C&C than the average 
fic.  So far, these are the only comments I've seen from the FFML, 
though I think I did get one from someone reading it on the TMFFA.

Just in case anybody's wondering about the deluge of C&C, I have currently have lots of free time in my hands before my graduation ceremony. So... there.

 

$Congrats on the grad, but from where?

On Tue, 08 Mar 2005 15:54:55 -0600, Nugar <nugar@tds.net> wrote:
 

  As the subject line notes, this is a lemon.  I was leery of posting
it on the FFML because I don't see many lemons on here much anymore, and
I know a lot of people don't care for them.  Plus, this is very, very
lemon.  Still, I've posted all of the rest of AoRF on here, I might as
well put this piece up, too.
   

I have nothing against lemons. Just C&Ced one, in fact.

$Rather fond of them myself, though as an author I believe it's also 
important to write other types of stories.  It's been so long since I 
posted a new chapter of AoRF I worried that people would look at the 
subject and think, 'Oh, just another chapter in the middle of some long 
lemon where everyone screws everyone else.', which was why I made a 
point of posting all of chapter four (standard action/adventure 
comedy+fanservice) and five (as close as I could come to the tone of the 
Tenchi Muyo episodes where Sasami has some age appropriate adventure of 
her own) to show that yes, I do write something besides lemons.  This is 
one of only two sex scenes in Aurora of Rainbow Fire, though there will 
be one more in chapter six when I finish it.  However, Aurora is the 
sequel to my first Tenchi fic, Needful Things, and that one was a 
lemon.  Won a Kiyo award for best lemon, too.  Aurora was nominated, but 
lost.  :-(

Let's see what you've got for us readers, dear author. Also, I apologize in advance for not being able to add anything more than a random comment or so.
 

$If I did MY job right, that's all you should be able to.  And thanks 
for the C&C.  I know well that doing detailed C&C is a major investment 
in time and energy, and I sincerely thank you for taking the time. 

Enjoy, if you like this sort of thing.  Comments welcome!
   

And comments you shall have. Ikuzo.
 

$Glee!

      Aurora of Rainbow Fire chapter four side story: Tea and
Sodomy.
   

Hmmm... On second thought, maybe I shouldn't read this... :P Nice chapter title.

 

$Original chapter title sucked, then I had the idea for this one.  Glad 
I waited long enough to change the title before I sent it.  This time I 
actually followed my usual pattern for a story.  Write it, edit it, sit 
on it for several months, edit it again with fresh eyes, THEN post it.

      Kiyone watched with a heavy-lidded gaze as her would-be
rescuers vanished into the night and stood for a moment in
thought.  She was almost surprised at herself, both at her
actions and thoughts.  She had always been so patient, so
accommodating to others, but ever since Mihoshi had shown up in
the village, a thought had crystallized in her mind.

      It was time for some R&R.

      And now, Mihoshi was gone.  She wouldn't be back until
tomorrow.  There was nothing any of them could do about the
perpetrator until tomorrow.  She'd just have to hope it couldn't
build a planet buster bomb out of sticks and mud in a day.

      Right now, though, for all practical intents and purposes,
she was free.

      Free.
   

Hmmm. So far so good. I like how your prose flows. Seems you're a seasoned pro at fanfics, eh? 

 

$I've been around for a while, though my production rate isn't the 
fastest.  I've got a ways to go before I hit the quality levels of SOME 
authors I could name on this list....

      It was almost with some sadness that Kiyone noted that she
wasn't the type of person to really go wild.  She usually limited
her recreation to a few karaoke songs and a little alcohol.
Drinks were expensive, and she wasn't willing to flirt with a guy
   

>From how I read this, shouldn't it be: "Drinks were expensive, but she wasn't willing..."?

 

$And seemed more natural to me, since she was adding that line of 
thought to the previous line, explaining why she only had a little 
alcohol.  I think you're right, though.

      Dretric looked at her quizzically when she returned her
attention to him, holding her hand out.

      "I'm not in the mood for tea and sympathy this time, 
   

(blinks) Now where did I hear that before...

 

$'S got such a british feel to it, doesn't it?

      Had she misjudged?

      What if he rejected her?

      She had been so preoccupied with her thoughts of his tall,
dark body, perfectly cut muscles, and smooth chocolate skin that
she'd never stopped to consider what he thought of _her_.
   

Ah. Sou. The conflict. No complaints from me. Her insights from earlier and her insecurities and hesitation now in indicative of not just a lemon, but a story, which is always good.

$Kiyone's had a rough day at this point, so when she decided to unwind, 
she didn't spare much thought for the other guy's plans.

Lack of these factors makes it one of _those_ lemons that are, without mincing words, crappy.

 

$Reading this line the first time, I thought you were calling this a 
crappy lemon.  You may still be.  I dunno.  I called this a side story, 
but really, its the scenes that should have been in the original 
chapter.  All the character development and plot is in the main chapter, 
all the lemon is here.  I did that both because the original chapter has 
already been posted before, though a long time ago, and because some 
people want to read adventure comedy, and some people want to read about 
sex, and the people that like both hopefully won't mind having to open 
another email to get both parts.  Heh, seriously.  One of the comments I 
got back when four was first posted was 'I like this a lot better than 
that stuff about all the sex.'  Another was 'We want kinky sex, not 
pointless jungle adventures!'  Writing this, but leaving them separate 
seemed a nice way to give everyone what they wanted.

      Although a few recriminations over taking advantage of the
helpless girl did enter his thoughts, it was obvious she knew
what she was doing and could make her own decisions.
   

If he feels recriminations, he should remember two things... She came on to him and hell hath no fury of a woman scorned.

Oh, and since I C&Ced this in the middle of the series, please do excuse my ignorance on whether Kiyone knows this Dretric character or not.

 

$Chapter four focuses largely on her, and the mishaps and circumstances 
that befall her.  Stuck in the african jungle chasing a dangerous, six 
armed alien.  She lost her gun, her clothes, Mihoshi, and her 
communicator, was 'rescued' by an equally naked overly well endowed (he 
was overly well endowed for the humor, originally I hadn't planned for a 
lemon, and it's been over two years since I declared that chapter 
'finished') man who took her back to the village he was staying at, and 
was found by Mihoshi.  Mihoshi managed to signal Ayeka, Ryoko, and 
Tenchi, who were also there to rescue them, but, strangely, Kiyone sent 
them all home for the night with a few vague statements and a plan to 
resume looking for the badguy in the morning.  So yes, there is a story 
behind all this, and I did set up the attraction Kiyone has for 
Dretric.  Yes, Dretric is an annoying new character, but he's a one shot 
with minimal dialogue and story time and never appears in the story 
again.  You've got to have SOME other characters for the cast to 
interact with.

      She responded quickly with firm, hard bites to his neck and
long caresses of her tongue. She scratched the back of his neck
with her short, no-nonsense nails and ran her fingers through his
short, dry, tightly curled hair.
   

Hmm. So much for the rational and no-nonsense girl introduced earlier in this fic. So far this lemon is reading like... no, not the naughty Harlequin romance, but it's not like a crude Penthouse letter either. The sex parts are... readable, which is good. Not embarrassingly blatant and vulgar, but not overly sappy and flowery. "Just right," so says Goldilocks.

 

$Thanks!  I just try to write what I'd like to read.  Flowery prose is 
fun, but I always end up making fun of it in my head (purple helmented 
love-warrior, heheh).  Overly clinical detail is a turnoff.  And vulgar 
curse words, especially under the guise of 'talking dirty', make me 
sick.  Really, when you get down to it, writing lemons is a pain in the 
butt.

      Their mouths met with a slowly increasing tempo, her tongue
sliding between his lips and her mouth sucking demandingly on his
own probes.

      Now fully aroused, the base of his shaft pressed firmly
into her sex from below and the rest protruded proudly between
her legs.
   

But of course, there's natural buildup to detail... I'm not saying that your prose went from 'just right' to vulgar, but since you're going into detail into describing their little tryst, it couldn't be helped.
 

$Well, I do feel that if I'm going to write a lemon, I might as well 
show the action.  It is jarring, though.  I mean, even if you've read 
the original chapter, he's been running around naked for a while, and I 
made a few jokes about his penis, but I never really focused on it until 
this point.  Kinda the difference between being nude and being naked.

      Kiyone gasped at the first contact with her flushed and
spread sex.  God, it was so huge it was ridiculous, much bigger
now than it was when she'd first seen it.  If this was _any_ kind
of indication of the rest of the native population of Earth, this
was going to be a damned popular tourist spot when it finally
joined galactic civilization, she thought in amusement and awe.
   

So this alien girl just happened to look like a native of certain Asian Nation. Funny how anime conveniently makes aliens look Japanesey, like how American Sci-Fi makes aliens look Caucasian... Ah, but I digress...

 

$That's it exactly, actually.  It's a fanfic based on a japanese anime, 
so I don't argue with their interpretation.

On the other hand, I may have missed something and Kiyone actually is Japanese and not an alien. (shrug) I don't keep track of the little plot points of Tenchi Muyo, admittedly.

 

$Nah, she's alien. 

I say this, and then someone is going to jump all over me for not 
remembering some detail that would prove me wrong.

      Instead, she tasted it, liking the mix of sweat, dust, and
his own unique taste.
   

(blinks) Chicken?

 

$Human, actually, we have taste, too.  What, never licked yourself?

      Abruptly, Kiyone moved, pushing him back and sliding up.

      Uh oh, he thought, what have I done?  Was she frightened by
the size?
   

Though this type of line is per usual to any lemon, I'm not at all off-put by it.

$Actually, this is the first time I've focused on size before at all.  
Kinda hard not to, given I made him huge for comedic effect. 

You're one of those rare lemon writers that write readable lemons.

$Thanks.  I try.  Hard.

I'm not making fun of the lemon genre or anything,

$You should, there're plenty of reasons to.

but really, the story flows well without being incredibly puerile and immature about it. The story does just state the fact that what's-his-face is worried that he might be too big and intimidating without looking like its trying to impress the reader of its porn star cast.
 

$I worried about that.  Annoying new character, AND he's huge?  And I 
want people to read and tell me what they think?  I must be stupid.

      Kiyone knew there was no way she could take all of him, but
she was a little dismayed to manage less than half.  Not only was
he bigger that she'd ever seen or heard of, he was bigger than
she'd dreamed possible!  Hell, he was at least on par with a good
sized cucumber, maybe bigger.
   

Of course, a lemon's tendency to fixate on size and length of a man's cucumber, er, member is a nearly intrinsic characteristic of the genre. Still, it's an easy, smooth-flowing read.
 

$I've made some cucumber jokes earlier in the series, this is a 
reference to that.  Normally, avoid mentioning size at all to distance 
myself from the hordes of bad ones that obsess about it and give the 
genre such a bad name.  I don't actually think I'm all that good a 
writing lemons, I just avoid all the things I've heard everyone say is 
so horrible about the bad ones that I'm readable by default.

      "You really are huge, aren't you?" she asked in wonder as
she blinked back at him in the darkness.

      Dretric didn't know what she said, but the wondering tone
of voice which she used was one he was familiar with.  Not
bothering to reply, he gently began to withdraw.
   

Ah, the language of sex crosses borders, even universal ones. 
 

$Probably, but I've never had the opportunity to test out the theory.

      Dretric had no intentions of doing so either, but Kiyone
didn't know that.  And it was with some surprise that Dretric
found himself penetrating a very demanding woman who uttered a
sound suspiciously like a growl and thrust herself back upon his
member, groaning a bit.  It was very pleasureful.
   

Heh. Cool. You took advantage of prose's natural affinity for character thoughts and insights in a lemon, of all things. Oh, and there's no such word as pleasureful. Suggest: pleasurable.

 

$I do tend to make up words.  And for some reason, I was drawing a blank 
when the word pleasurable should have came up.  Will change.

      Kiyone was delighting in the feeling of fullness, the
feeling of being overfull that Dretric was giving her.  But he
wasn't giving it to her fast enough.  
   

Kiyone: It isn't just the size of the boat that's important, but the motion of the ocean. (nods sagely)

Dretric: Yeah, well it's takes a long time for rowboat to get to England.

Kiyone: 'What's the use of having a big ship if it's dead in the water?', if you catch my drift.

 

$Hah!  That's true, so very true.

      Possibly even a little too hard.  She grit her teeth and
rolled her eyes back in her head as he slid into her, both
already well lubricated by her enthusiasm, 
   

Somebody's going to be sore in the morning.

 

$Yeah.  Though that's one of the real life facts that doesn't HAVE to be 
mentioned in a fic. 

frustrations got to be too much.  There was one thing Kiyone had
discovered that excited her more than anything, and it was the
only thing that had ever managed to give her true release.
   

Well, it's been said that lemons don't usually have much way in plot, but the attention to detail in the actual act in itself has a conflict and (ahem) climax, so to speak. But of course, the title promised sodomy, so the story will deliver.
 

$Heheh.  Actually, the only reason sodomy was involved at all was so I 
could make a joke about an 'alien anal probe' in the original, and I had 
no plans to actually write the scene, so I was safe.  Was kinda nervous 
about this going into it, I know this isn't most people's thing, nor 
mine, either, actually.  There's a lot of domination and submission 
themes in this fic because I took the Oujosama to oyobi bit with Ayeka 
as a dom a little to seriously, a lot like the all time great Tenchi 
lemon Aikan Muyo, but when it comes to the actual sex I'm pretty 
vanilla.  This bit, and chapter six, which I see you've C&Ced as well, 
thanks, marks a bit of a departure for me.  You know what they say, 'I 
was just curious, I wanted to see what it was like!'

Also, Kiyone seems to be the only mature female in the cast, if a bit 
stressed and uptight, which actually lends itself to some sort of kink, 
so I felt I could get away with more with her and it be marginally less 
OOC than any of the others.

      "Ulp!" 
   

You have some killer dialogue here. :P

 

$Heh, appreciate it.  People do make funny noises during sex.

      She grabbed Dretric's hand in a grip of pure steel, pulling
it from her body with a soft slortch.  
   

Ah. I've read that sound effect before. In a translated hentai manga, no less.

 

$Heh.  It does lend itself to a sort of wet squishy sound.

     All things, especially those built on faith and trust,
must come to an end, and Kiyone stopped shuddering and quivering
beneath him, though her breath still caught every time he licked
sweat from her neck or lightly stroked her hair with one hand.
His chin dug into her shoulder, but she decided she liked that,
and was smiling tiredly as she dropped into a dreamless slumber.
   

It was... heh... detailed, to say the least.

$I'm a here and now sort.

It flowed well. It's like an action fic, only it had a different action in mind. The blow-by-blow commentary is a prerequisite, but at least I didn't get bored half my wits while reading it.

$Heh, I'm glad.  Seriously, I write stories because I like entertaining 
other people more than anything, and I like hearing that I succeeded.  
If I didn't succeed, please tell me, and I'll do my best to fix it.

It's... what's the word? In depth

$Exactly one body part deep, actually.  ^_^

and comprehensive. ^-^

 

      The entire village was standing in a semicircle outside his
door when he stepped out, all looking at him expectantly.
   

LOL.

 

$Can't you just see that?  Very much a shocking moment for the guy 
that's the focus of their attention.

      "She's a nibbler," he admitted sheepishly.

      The crowd roared approval.
   

Heh.
 

$One of my favorite lines, actually.  This series is primarily comedy, 
and even in the sex scene I want some sort of laugh.

Again, not much to comment. Not that many grammatical errors, but admittedly I wasn't trying to find any.

$If you're going to have a story about sodomy, you've got to be anal 
about spelling and grammar.  ^_^  C&Cing other people's works really 
helped me clean up my own.

And the comments I do have there are just... well, comments really. But I guess that's good because it means you can practically leave this fic as is.

$Excellent.  Probably go back and revise it again in a year or two.  
Probably find a spelling mistake or two I missed, too.  >_<

Nothing to revise, prose flowed reasonably well, I got a chuckle or two, and like I said earlier, it seems that you're a seasoned pro at this lemon thing. Kudos.

 

$Aww, shucks.  *blushes*   Some of those early ones, though, man they 
sucked.  I've still got a long way to go, too.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel 

 

$You know it.  Thanks for the C&C!

-Nugar


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