Been a while since my last C&C, so here's one from the backlog. As
always, please take only what you find useful in these comments, and
file the rest under the opinions of one particularly cranky reader who
doesn't like much anyway. :)

Michael Haney <zorchhaney@yahoo.com> wrote:

	Herb of the Musk was defeated, and Ranma had restored
his ability to return to his male form with the
magical Open Water Kettle.  When he got back home to
the Tendo's place he was greeted with the shock of his

Tendos' place

(There are more than one Tendo.)

	And Ranma was still in shock.  Akane hugged him,
actually hugged him!  No yelling, no hitting, she ran
to him threw her arms around his waist and hugged him!
And she cried too.  That part really bugged Ranma a
lot, he didn't like seeing Akane cry.  Despite all the
abuse he got from her he still cared about the girl
who was his iinazuke, even though the whole engagement

You misspelled "fiancee".

thing was cooked up by his father and Mr. Tendo.  That
would have been enough, but for some reason Akane's
attitude towards him has suddenly changed.  She's

him had suddenly

almost gone out of her way not to be mad at him and is

She'd almost

him and was

Be consistent with your tenses. You started narrating the story in past
tense -- as if it's something that happened before the person is telling
us about it -- but here you slipped into present tense, narrating it as
if it's happening at the moment.

even trying to listen to his side of the story for
once.  He wasn't sure what was going on with her, yet
somehow he liked it.

In general, and especially considering that this is your opening scene,
I think you could do with more specific description and less
summarizing. The summarizing makes the scene distant, like we're just
hearing about it rather than actually experiencing it.

	Those days waiting for Ranma to return after he went
after Herb and the Open Water Kettle had been a
nightmare for Tendo Akane.  She laid in her bed

She lay in
("laid" is for when you did it to something else, e.g. he laid bricks,
Robin laid an egg.)

The shift from Ranma's to Akane's POV here is rather abrupt and awkward.
We start out being Ranma, and then without warning we're Akane. Do you
really need both POVs in this scene? Consider picking just one of them
and sticking with it through the scene, or at least long enough to fully
explore that character's thoughts.

staring up at the ceiling.  No I don't miss him., she
told herself.  Good riddance to him!, she said again

him! she

after a little while.  Where is he?, she wondered

he? she

later.  Ranma, please be alright., her heart pleaded

be all right, her

Don't double-punctuate quoted dialog, even when it's internal. If your
dialog ends with ! or ? then use that, otherwise use a comma and drop
the period. Look for this elsewhere -- I won't belabor the point by
pointing out every instance.

 She tried to act
indifferent to his return, but the days he'd been gone
were like a kind of torture.  For the very first time
Akane was afraid for Ranma, afraid he wouldn't be back

>from this battle, afraid that she'd loose him for

lose

("loose" is the opposite of "tight".)

good.  That fear tore away some of the black veil that
covered her true feelings concerning the sex switching

sex-switching
(hyphenate compound phrases when used as descriptors. "Sex switching
youth" would mean sex that switches a youth. Which might make an
interesting lemon but probably isn't what you meant to say.)

	From that day Akane endeavored to improve herself, to
keep her temper in check, and to stop hiding her
feelings for someone who was literally the man of her
dreams.  The two returned from a grueling day at
Furinken High School, it took all of Akane's willpower

Furinkan

but she didn't hit Ranma not even once all day.  Not
even when he accepted Okonomiyaki from Ukyo, or when
Shampoo showed up with her Bicycle of Death and

You're in Akane's point of view here. Try to describe things as she
would describe them, not with fanspeak which is rather cliched by now
anyhow.

I have to say that this sudden change of heart is really rather
unconvincing. It really comes across as Akane changing her behavior and
attitudes because the author wants them to change. I mean, we KNOW that
the Herb business didn't have this strong an effect on her in canon, so
why should it here?

	The ever cheerful Tendo Kasumi peeked her head out of
the kitchen and said, "Oh Akane, Ranma, dinner will be
ready in about an hour."

	"Ok, we'll be in the dojo." Replied Akane.

dojo," replied

("Replied Akane" wouldn't make any sense by itself. What did she reply?
She replied the words "OK, we'll...". So it has to be punctuated as part
of the same sentence. Look for this throughout.)

	"I can see it in your face, you're not." She said.

not," she

AKANE: Of course I'm right. I'm right about everything, because the
author is speaking through me right now!

	"So am I, Ranma, I want us to start over."  Ranma
looked up at her in surprise and saw the serious
expression on her face.

AKANE: So, let's see. You go ahead and make some remark about being
better built than I am, and then I'll wallop you with the dining room
table.

	"I was, afraid, the whole time you were gone chasing
down Herb." Akane confessed.  "Afraid that I'd loose

lose
(look for this elsewhere)

	"Let me finish." She interrupted him raising one
hand.  "These past few days made me think, about you
and me.  We both didn't get off on a good start and
our fathers pushing this whole thing on us all the
time isn't helping either.  This whole thing with Herb
made me realize what's really important to me."

Since Akane continues speaking in the paragraph following this one,
remove the ending quote mark after 'me.' (but keep the beginning one
before 'You're').

	Ranma was over next to her in a shot and pressed her
hand to her forehead.  "Akane are you ok, you don't

"Akane, are

	"You can get better." Ranma reassured her.  "Its like

"It's

(its = belonging to it, it's = it is, it was, etc.)

	Their eyes met again.  "No, actually your kinda cute

you're

(your = belonging to you, you're = you are)

	"I promise not to call you uncute, or sexless, or
built like a brick, and stuff like that." Ranma said,
earning a slight smirk from his iinazuke.  "I promise

Misspelled "fiancee".

	"I like this, I'm sorry it took scaring the begeebees
out of you, but I like this." He smiled, his fingers

I think the usual expression is "the bejeezus" or something like that.

AKANE: o/~ Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive... o/~

RANMA: Holy crap! The begeebees aren't completely scared out yet!

	"Its in the bag, Saotome." Tendo Soun whispered from

"It's

	"They keep this up the schools will be join in no
time." Saotome Genma, in human form, a rarity, smiled
at his lifelong friend.

It's not that rare. Read the manga.

	Across town sat a modest Chinese restaurant.  The
sign outside read "Nekohautan" in scrawled Japanese
kanji script, which translates to "Cat Caf�".  The
proprietor stood at her customary place in the kitchen
preparing ramen.  She checked the water to make sure
it was boiling and slowly dropped the wire basket of
uncooked ramen inside.  Perched midway up on a knurled
old wooden staff with nearly perfect superhuman
balance, Matriarch Cologne of the Nyanchiczu, the

Nyujiezu
(correct this elsewhere; just because words are foreign does not mean
that they can be spelled any way you like)

	Cologne became aware of a change in the air, it was
to her unique senses very powerful.  A sudden wave of
disorientation washed over the old matriarch.  For the
first time she nearly feel from her staff.  Shampoo
saw her great grand mother's distress and rushed to

"grandmother" is one word.

	Cologne waved her off.  "I'm fine, I suddenly felt a
disturbance in the flow of destiny surrounding
Nerima."

COLOGNE: There is a great disturbance in the force!

	"What it mean, great grandma?" Shampoo asked
switching to Nihongo, a language she still hadn't
fully mastered yet.

No need to state the blindingly obvious. That very small percentage of
us who don't know it from reading the original series can tell that
Shamps hasn't mastered Japanese by the way she speaks.

	"Kitchen Destroyer?" Shampoo blinked.

Another bit of fan cliche slipping in. Since when has Shamps had any
interaction with Akane's cooking?

	Damn you Saotome, I'll get you for stealing the

you, Saotome.

("Saotome" identifies who is being spoken to. Such an identification
must always be set off by a comma.)

	"I am fine Orchid dear." She said.

fine, Orchid, dear," she

(You may want to visit zhongwen.com to see what syllables are actually
available in Chinese.)

	"You looked disturbed for a moment." Orchid wasn't
very convinced.

	Ambrosia reached out her arm, a wooden staff gilded
with gold and silver slowly flew through the air and
into her open palm.  With the staff she climbed to her
feet.  "I've found her." She said.

	Orchid gasped.  "Are you certain?"

	"Yes, without a doubt." Ambrosia nodded.

If she's referring to Cologne, the Amazons have always known where she
is. Her wherabouts were published in an Amazon newspaper in the Pink and
Link story. (Or maybe Amb is talking about someone other than Cologne,
in which case never mind.)

	"That would be unwise, you know how they would
react." The old woman turned to look at her.  "The old
fools still hold to the foolish and dangerous notion
that The One would be found only among our people."

RANMA: If I am The One, I'm gonna have to leave you, Akane.

AKANE: But why?

RANMA: Because (ahem) o/~ One is the lonliest number that you'll ever
do.... o/~

gaining altitude with every stroke.  Soon she was no
longer visible on the horizon.  If The One has been
found then the Age of Shadows is near., Orchid
realized with sudden horror.  Ever since her birth the
ancient legends were drilled into the hearts and minds

HIROSHI: Gary appreciates the free plug.

GARY: I don't think it was intentional, guys. He just happened to use
that phrase.

DAISUKE: Yeah, you're probably right. It isn't like anybody remembers
that fic anymore anyway....

of every warrior born among the Amazons.

	Cologne reached her destination in record time, the
Tendo household.  The residual reverberations of the

Suggest you put in some sort of marker when the scene changes, or at
least skip some extra lines. Otherwise it's very confusing.

would undoubtedly be drawn
to this place soon.  Cologne knew two such denizens of
Nerima personally, one was a diminutive old monster
who plagued her memories, and the other was a boy who
couldn't find his way out of a straight line corridor.

But the latter has no enhanced senses that we know of, and the former
probably won't care.

The matriarch followed the still fresh reverberations
towards the Tendo dojo.  Upon immediately inspection
she found it empty, but she could feel where the
change took place.  Her son-in-law and Tendo Akane had
been physically close, almost touching!  That did not
bode well at all, not one bit.  This was a powerful
cataclysmic events on the flow of destiny in Nerima,

Huh? Suggest you reword that.

	"So, you've made your choice son-in-law." Cologne

choice, son-in-law."

	Where the hell am I now?, the perpetually Lost Boy
asked himself.  One minute he was walking down a
street of what looked like New York City, suddenly he

How would he know what that looks like? Try to use a reference geared
toward the character, not towards the readers or author.

	"You nearly trashed my bike you baka!" the boy

bike, you dummy!"

	"Answer me or you'll be wearing that bike." The Lost
Boy warned.

Not believable. Ryoga's always been very scrupulous about not attacking
people who are obviously not strong enough to defend themselves.

	The kid was taken aback by this, mostly because this
guy who didn't seem that much older than he was held
him off the ground with one arm and wasn't even
straining.  "Uh, yeah, you're in the ward of Nerima
mister."

Nerima, mister."

	"P-Chan, where have you been you naughty widdle

been, you

piggy." Akane cooed over the cute little animal.

	Ranma groaned.  Of all the times he's gotta show up,
why now?, he fumed in his thoughts.  Just as
everything between him and Akane were suddenly going
so well "Mister I can't find my way out a wet paper
bag with a GPS receiver strapped to my chest" had to
show up to spoil his good mood.  Ranma promised not to

Ranma had promised
(the promise happened before the current moment in narration)

Do you really think Ranma would know what a GPS is?

reveal Ryoga secret, but the Lost Boy turned around

Ryoga's

and abused that promise by sleeping with Akane.  Of
course, Ranma wasn't afraid of Ryoga doing anything. 
Even looking at a girl wearing a bra in a department
store catalog was enough to send the baka into

Misspelled "idiot". (Or "dummy" or "dolt" or "jerk" or....)

	"So did you think about where we should go tonight?"
Akane asked her iinazuke.

Misspelled "fiance".

	Akane leaned over and kissed her iinazuke on the

Misspelled "fiance".

cheek.  "Sounds like fun."

	Ranma smiled a broad smiled, both because Akane was

smiled a broad smile,
(or, preferably)
smiled broadly,
(best to avoid repeated words)

happy, and because the little pig's eyes had grown so
wide they looked like they were about to fly out of
their sockets.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it,
baka., Ranma thought looking at Ryoga.  He and Akane

Misspelled... ahhh, I think you get the point.

were trying to make things between them work, he
wasn't about to let Ryoga undercut his efforts.  The
little pig looked at Ranma with an expression of pure
hatred, the young Saotome could only guess at what the
pig headed Lost Boy was thinking.

But the narrator is going to insist on changing the POV so he can
explicitly tell us.

	Damn you Saotome, what have you done to Akane, she'd
never be this nice to you., Ryoga's thoughts raged. 
It was the thoughts of Akane rejecting him that
allowed Ryoga to defeat the hulking Musk warrior Lime.
In a fit of immense despair he released the mother of
all Shi Shi Hokadon.  Of course the despair had been

Misspelled "Hokodan".

	Ranma when I get some hot water you're going to pay

Ranma, when

	"You ok, I don't know what came over P-Chan." She

"You OK? I
(It's obviously asked as a question)

	"Ok."  Nabiki suppressed a sudden shudder, she liked
it better when those two were still fighting.  All
this lovie dovie stuff was grating on the nerves,
besides it was also going eat into her profits.  She
wasn't going to be able to set bets on how long it be
before her sister belted Ranma into the school
swimming pool everyday anymore.

The betting stuff is fanfiction cliche. Nabsy has never taken bets on
Ranma in the manga.

 Well, at least I
won't have to pay for repairs to the house anymore.,
she sighed quietly.

Also fanfiction cliche. There's no evidence that Nabby pays for repairs
to anything.

	A sudden crash issued from inside the house and a
battle cry resounded, "SAOTOME RANMA PREPARE TO
DIE!!!!"

RANMA, PREPARE

Try describing in words how loud or forceful it is, rather than adding
extra exclamation points.

	"Ryoga, when did he get here?" Akane wondered.

"Ryoga. When

	The Lost Boy appeared swinging his trademark lead
lined umbrella at Ranma's head.  The young martial

lead-lined

	"Shut up you!" Ryoga raged and pressed the attack.

up, you!"

	"HOW DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL AKANE FROM ME!"  Ryoga
dropped the weapon, turned swiftly and raised his
hands.  Ranma saw the green energy ball of a Shi Shi
Hokadon forming.  The chi blast narrowly missed Ranma

Hokodan

	Akane ran outside, she knew she didn't stand of
chance of stopping Ryoga, when he was enraged he was
like a rampaging bull elephant.

Double run-on sentence.

	"You had this coming for a long time baka." Ranma

time, idiot,"

	"R-R-R-Ryoga?" Akane looked down at the pile of
clothes in horrified astonishment.  It did not take
her long to understand what just happened.  She'd been
around Ranma and had seen Mousse and Shampoo transform
enough times to know a Josenkyo cursed person when she

Jusenkyo-cursed

saw one.  What she wasn't expecting was what crawled
out of the pile of clothes.  At first she refused to
believe what she was seeing.  After the first
mortified "Bwee!" from the little creature Akane
backed away shacking her head.

Er... "shacking"? Dunno what that means, but it sounds painful.

	"Why Ryoga, why?" Akane cried.  "I trusted you!"

"Why, Ryoga, why?"

	"Bushido tells us to  never reveal another warrior's
weaknesses." Ranma explained.  "I was honor bound not

honor-bound

to tell anyone.  Remember when I told you about how he
challenged me back when we were in middle school and
how he didn't show up after four days.  Well, that was
before me and pop left for China, before Josenkyo."

Pop (capitalize relations when they are used as names)
(look for this elsewhere)

Jusenkyo."

	She turned and snatched up the little pig.  "Excuse
me for a moment." She said in a happy way that set
Ranma's danger sense to Defcon Five.  First he watched
her carry "P-Chan" into the house then followed along
after her.  She went into the bathroom and tossed the
little black pig into the furo.  The instant he

You misspelled "bathtub."

	"Ranma did nothing wrong, in fact I think your

you're

obsessed, obsessed with blaming Ranma for things that
are obviously your fault but you're too stupid to
admit it to yourself!" she shot back.  "Either that or
your crappy sense of direction also effects that pig
headed brain of yours in other ways too!"

pig-headed

	"He's got the hots for you that's why." Ranma
answered for him.  "The guys as obsessed with you as

guy's

At this point I'm struggling to keep from skimming. It's painful to see
such a one-dimensional treatment of Ryoga.

	"This is why you were always fighting with P-Chan,
isn't it Ranma."

isn't it, Ranma."

	"You mean you knew about this too?" Akane gasped
looking at her sister.

	"Yeah, it was fun watching him squirm." Nabiki
smirked.

	"She found out on her own and blackmailed Ryoga into
doing things for her or she'd tell you his secret."
Ranma explained.

Eh? When was this?

AKANE: You mean....

NABIKI: Yes, Ryoga's been working as my very own boy prostitute.

RYOGA: It ends now, though! I've gotten a better offer. I'm going to be
the replacement for J. D. Guckert.

	"Nabiki?!" Akane said with a betrayed expression.

	"Akane, I'll be back and I'll prove I'm the better
man for you." Ryoga said in a determined tone.

	"You can try, but it won't make a difference." Akane
told him and put her arm around Ranma.  The act of her
doing so sent a wave of despair and nausea through the
Lost Boy.  Even if I can't win her back, I'm still
gonna make you pay Ranma., Ryoga promised silently to

RANMA: You're going to make me pay myself?

himself.  With that the young Habiki picked up his

Hibiki

backpack and umbrella and left down the street.  After
about what seemed like only a few minutes he was
suddenly on a street corner in Saigon.

Um... huh?

RYOGA: Is the author not aware that there happen to be vast bodies of
water between here and there?!?

(Having Ryoga wander to places where he couldn't possibly get to used to
be clever and funny sometime around ten years ago. By now it has been
done in fanfics so many times that it is neither clever nor funny
anymore. Trust me on this one.)

	Cologne, Matriarch of the Nyanchiczu, rummaged

Nyujiezu,

through her chest of unique and ancient artifacts that
belonged to Amazons for centuries.  Many of these
items had been stolen by Happosai long ago and this

How could they be in her chest if they'd been stolen by Happosai? Did
she eventually get them back?

chest represented what was left of the treasured items
owned by her clan.  Shampoo sat in the background
watching her with eagerness.  She listened to what her
great grand mother discovered and was not pleased at
all.  Ranma has chosen Akane.  That could not be
allowed.  Normally Cologne would have balked at
Shampoo using magical items to win her airen but

Um, actually she's been perfectly willing to do it the few times she's
actually *had* items that were of any use. (E.g. hypnotic mushrooms,
reversal jewel. Read the manga.)

	"What that great grandma?" Shampoo asked.

"What that, Great-grandma?"

	The item she held in her diminutive hands appeared to
be an ordinary wire toothed hair comb with a

wire-toothed

	"You mean put in Ranma's hair and he do what shampoo

Shampoo
(capitalize names)

	"Yes, child." Cologne walked over to her and handed
the precious item to her great grand daughter. 
"Ordinarily I would not allow you to use such
shortcuts to win your airen, but with recent
developments it appears we have little choice."

You do know that Cologne once told Ranma straight out that if she'd had
any way to mind-control him into loving Shampoo she'd have used it? It's
in one of the Akari stories.

Suggest you come up with a more believable reason why Cologne has only
just now acquired this item. Perhaps she was forced to call in an old
debt.

	"Aiya!  Shampoo no disappoint you." Shampoo beamed.

	"I know you won't my dear." Cologne smiled back.  "Do

won't, my

A mysterious stranger arrives at the Tendo household
with startling news about Akane.  Meanwhile, Shampoo
plans to use the Comb of Suggestion to finally win
over Ranma, but can Amazon magic overcome the power of
true love?

Given the way this fic's gone so far, my guess is that her plan will
backfire or be exposed before it even gets substantially underway, and
Ranma will find out what she did and drop her as a friend.

 Find out in chapter one of "On Ethereal
Wings".

Okay, I have to say that this could've been a lot better.

I'm all for letting Ranma and Akane grow closer. But find a believable
reason for it to happen, and (more importantly) make them work to
achieve it. Let them develop slowly, let them make mistakes and try to
learn from them. Above all, don't just get rid of those parts of their
personalities that make their relationship more difficult. Your readers
will be more likely to respect the characters and to cheer for them to
succeed when they have to succeed *in spite* of their own personal
difficulties.

A related problem as I see it is characterization. As you're writing
them the characters either just about always do the right thing (Ranma
and Akane) or they're completely self-centered jerks with no redeeming
virtues whatsoever (Ryoga and the Amazons). Neither of these extremes
are very interesting to read about.

Balanced characters who are capable of doing either good or bad make for
far better reading. The major characters in the manga all fit this
description to some degree or other. Ryoga, for example, has his faults,
but he also has his noble moments. When Ranma had lost his strength it
was Ryoga who defended him from Kuno and the others. Again, we will
cheer for Ranma and Akane that much more if they get together IN SPITE
of both having competing suitors who are actually likeable and worthy of
respect.

Again, just my opinions only here, and please let me know whether any of
this was useful.



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