----- Original Message ----- 
From: "hkmiller" <hkmiller@theeddy.com>

I liked the premise of this series; I think it has a lot of promise.  So
far largely
unrealized, unfortunately.  But this story begins to change that, with
our first
non-origin story.

Thanks!

Arthur Hansen wrote:

"So, any idea where we can find this mysterious flying girl?" Clark asked

as

he 'worked' to lift his own carry-on luggage.

So Clark and Lois aren't privy to any of the info known to the U.S.
Secret Service?
Might want to make clearer somewhere what info they're privy to.

They aren't directly "in the loop" so to speak. Clark would never directly
work for the government. So he might "know" quite a bit, but he's not going
to know everything about the ultras in the government.

"Nerima. That's one of the areas of the city to the northwest. Used to be
its own city or town, but got swallowed up by the greater Tokyo

metropolitan

area."

Not really; it's just the name of a particular neighborhood (to
translate to American terms), like
Brooklyn or Queens or The Bronx.  I'd suggest just calling is a
"suburb".  I assume this description
is even here just for the benefit of your L & C, but non-Ranma, readers?

Technically, it was it's own town, IIRC. It's just *now* part of the greater
Tokyo area. I didn't want to mention it as "Nerima Ku" or whatever it is.

Lois led them off the airport and to customs so they could be
processed. As soon as they finished there, they hailed a taxi to take

them

to the motel they were staying at in that area of town.

"Motel"?  In Japan?  Anywhere near Tokyo?  Suggest something simpler,
such as a large hotel
close to a JR station on the line going to Nerima.

Motel/Hotel in my mind are very interchangable.

And no comment on the fare for a taxi from Narita?  If Lois and Clark
are uneducated enough
to take a taxi from Narita (or pretending they are), they should be
astonished at the fare.

Or they have a very large expense account! :)

"I have no idea how Perry expects us to find one lone girl like that in a
foreign city," he finally said as they emptied their luggage.

Perry White sent both his star reporters to Tokyo to chase down one
report of
a strange girl with unexplained ultra-enhancements?  Sounds like a
really plan
use of resources on Perry's part.  You might want to provide additional
reasons
for both of them to be here (e.g., they're covering the upcoming summit
meeting,
and arriving early to get background).

They're a team, of course. And Perry 'suspects' that they are Superman and
Ultrawoman. So if it is dangerous, he's got the two best people to handle it
*and* he's likely to get a world-class scoop.

"Well, it seems like this girl is active in just one of the local wards

or

boroughs of the city. Place named Nerima. No heavy industries to speak

of,

just homes and such out there. Overgrown bedroom community."

Now this description is quite accurate.  Were you making a point about
Lois, to have her
give a different one?  If so, it wasn't clear to me.

No, people just try to explain things in different ways. I'd hate to use the
exact same phrase even though people are talking about the "same" thing.

"We will have the foreigner Lex Luthor soon. With him deported back to
America to stand trial, my advancement in the government will be secure!"

a

man's voice said from the other side of the door.

"Yes, Mr. Hygien!" another voice replied.

"Hygien" isn't a Japanese name; who is this guy supposed to be?

Watanabe isn't very American either. Not everyone who *is* Japanese is going
to have a Japanese name. :)

Lex waited just a few minutes. "Leonard? Make sure he's sleeping with the
fishes by this evening. Then find his boss and explain that I do not like
being messed with."

Seems like wasteful overkill on Lex's part.  My recollection of the Lex
from L&C is that he
was more pragmatic than that; he didn't kill if getting a guy fired
would do the job.  Why
isn't Lex just ordering the publicization of Hygien's expensive bungled
operation to nab
Lex?

Lex has some very serious charges against him in the US (treason) and is
playing for the biggest stakes in the game, world domination. He's more than
willing to kill, if need be. He might not do it personally!

That may be a bit of several different "Lex Luthors" tainting my thoughts
there.

Ranma whistled as he walked home from the store. Ami had asked if he

could

get some extra groceries and he'd agreed with alacrity to be alone for a
while. Up ahead he saw Akane's friend Yuka talking to a foreigner couple.

"My Engrish is good! Questions you ask?" Yuka said in a twitter.

"Yes, we're reporters-" the tall man said.

"Report? My Engrish report got B+!" she enthused right back. She was
obviously falling into the normal pastime of any semi-competent English
speaker in Japan, practicing her English on some hapless Americans.

heh.  so true.

I'm not, however, very clear on Lois and Clark's strategy here.  They
just went out on
the streets in Nerima and started asking random passersby about the
mystery girl?

Not so random, Yuka goes to Furinkan High School, where "Ranma" showed up.

 While
pretending not to know Japanese?  Why not hire a guide/translator?  Why
not approach
a Japanese reporter?  They'd have to expect the Japanese press to know
more than they
do, and more than is in print yet.

The both speak perfectly great Japanese, but Yuka wants to practice. A
friend says that is a "ethnic" hazard of being American over there, even if
you speak Japanese.

"Look, kiddo, we're looking for that flying girl from the papers," the

woman

suddenly said with an overtone of aggravation.

This doesn't seem much like Lois from L&C, either, to be suddenly
aggravated enough
to be so impolite.  Or to use words like "kiddo".

Lois is known to have a temper. She's far from an angel, in some ways.

"Weeeeridos and kooooks!

Neither of these words should be in Yuka's English vocabulary, I'd
think.  Suggest "Very
strange persons!"  (Totemo hen hitotachi), perhaps; she would know these
English words.

Well, I was trying to show that she'd learned some "colorful" words for fun.
I remember doing that in my Spanish class.

"Kuno Tatewaki? That's the boy who was barred from athletic competitions,
right?" Lois asked suddenly.

You mention this detail twice, in the mouths of speakers who really
shouldn't know it.  This
wouldn't even make the major Tokyo papers, I'd have thought, let alone
American ones.

"Ultra" enhancements are fairly big news. It is quite possible that it could
have been picked up by someone interested (and I'd think Superman *and*
Ultrawoman would be interested in the "Super" going-ons of the world.)

If you want it otherwise, suggest "That's the boy who was barred from
athletic competitions
because of his ultra-enhancement, right?"
That at least makes it plausible that it would make major Tokyo

newspapers.

Ranma slipped off at that point. Those Americans seemed like they were

going

to be some trouble, he thought as he started to hop from roof to roof on

his

way back to the Tendo Dojo. He might have to do something to protect his
'secret' identity. Maybe a helmet or mask. That Ultrawoman wore a mask,

so

that may work.

Suggest "that might work".  "May" implies you're shifting to a
first-person stream-of-consciousness
narrative POV here, which I don't think you want or need.

Okay.

"That is not a bad idea. Pull over here. This is the Kuno residence. That
kid that is banned from the kendo leagues."

Why ever would Leonard expect this Sancho to know that?

Sancho does. He's got a photographic memory of all of Lex Luthor's
"super-clients" and keeps up on them as a matter of course. It's a security
matter.

Leonard and Sancho shared a quick look. "Thanks, Mr. Kuno. I'll talk to

my

boss about this deal."

Might want to mention what language this conversation is taking place
in.  If Japanese, why
does Sancho know it?  If English, why is Kuno making such a point about
foreigners in it?

Usually I leave it that it is going to be Japanese if it is in Japan. Any
"ultra" can learn a language in just a few weeks. Sancho probably speaks a
dozen or so just for his work.

It was finally Saturday and Ranma was going to be leaving in just a few
hours for a military base where he would get flown to the United States.

A reminder of what this trip is for wouldn't hurt; I don't have any
recollection from your
earlier stories.

Okay!

"Thank you for the tea, Miss Tendo," Clark said politely. "Your

hospitality

is very endearing to us."


Lois just listened as Clark made small talk. This was the so-called

"secret"

training facility that the special ops had been talking about?

Now why do Lois and Clark know about the "secret training facility", aka
the Tendo Dojo,
and they don't know why Rising Sun really is?  Are they privy to
government info or not?
If Lois just knows about the former because she's a nosy reporter,
suggest she mention
that fact to herself here.

Skuttle-butt and rumors, of course. Lois was imagining some sort of robotic
and high tech super-training facility. I should probably mention that though
a bit more clearly.

"I'm home!" Nabiki called out as she walked into the house and kicked off
her shoes. "Oh, hey Sis! Hello!" she said as bowed to the strangers.

"More

people wanting training from Dad?"

Lois and Clark bowed right back without standing up. "No, were here to

talk

to Akane Tendo."

Might want to mention languages here too.  Your Kasumi went to school in
the U.S. for a year,
I remember, so presumably is fluent in English.  But Nabiki didn't, and
isn't.  Did Lois and
Clark just abandon their pretense at not knowing Japanese?

Never had the pretense. They were "linguistically" mugged by Yuka.

Kasumi pulled out her pager. "Oh. Look at the time. I have to go."

"Work, of course." Lois turned to Clark. "That ties in with the rumors

that

some of Lex's bully boys were noising around-"

BOOOOOM! went something as it broke the sound barrier over Nerima.

"What the hell? Rising Sun never causes that big of a commotion!" Hiroshi
said, looking around frantically.

So let's see if I've got this straight... Kasumi moved off just out of
sight, then moved at super-
speed home to the Dojo, unpacked her uniform from the lead "medical"
case, then took off
at supersonic speed.  And what did Lois and Clark notice?  For that
matter, what did they do?
You don't tell us.

Well, they noticed that Rising Sun was leaving *FAST*. Which usually means
an emergency. They are probably going to be wondering about that.

They do not know each other "secret" identities, yet, BTW. Lots of people
trying to keep secrets around here.

And are Lois and Clark wearing their own supersuits under their civvie
clothes,
where Kasumi presumably could have seen them easily, had she thought to
look?

Of course, but that would be an invasion of privacy! :)

"Yes, I can hear you. I need a link to OZ now. I believe to people have

been

kidnapped due to an Ultra situation."

"two people have been kidnapped" (SP)

Oops!

"Roger that! You rattled a lot of windows in Nerima taking off like that.
You even managed to break your speed record too. MACH 4.34 with that

stunt

in the atmosphere. Now you are leveling off at 800 gravities in outer

Leveling off at 800 gravities?  She couldn't be doing that and take long
enough for
this guy to get the words out.  You're saying she's changing her
direction (leveling off)
with 800 gravities acceleration?  You're basically saying that she
changed directions
instantaneously.

Eight hundred gravities isn't *quite* instantaneous, but it sure is fast.
IIRC, its only about two minutes from Japan to Washington DC at those sorts
of speeds.

"Yes, sir." Rows of computers and screens filled OZ Control, where over a
dozen men and woman worked around the clock on super-strength

fast-reacting

keyboards.

"Over a dozen men and women"  (or do you mean, "a woman"?) with
ultra-enhancements are
being wasted in a control center, typing into computers?  The U.S. has
enhanced an awful lot
of people, then...

Tens of thousands by this point, yes. It's part of the background that
hasn't been expored heavily in this story. Because that is happening in the
US.

"One second, General. Rising Sun, you need to slow down. You are going to
fast to reenter the atmosphere safely.

"going too fast to reenter" (SP)

"Commander Meyers! Thank you for allowing us on your ship in such a...

quiet

fashion,"

A nuclear sub is commanded by a Commander, rather than a Captain?  Why?
Surely
that's not normal.

My understanding is that the "rank" is a commander, but he is captain of the
ship. Nuclear subs require some real rank to be in charge of them.

I could be totally off though. I've never dealt with the military at all.

Lex Luthor said as he slid down the ladder into the nuclear
submarine the USS Salt Lake City. "You are doing your country a great
service, though one that is a bit on the gray side of legality."

If Lex had any brains (like the one in the L&C show), he wouldn't add
that second
clause.

Hard to say. Everyone knows what is going on is illegal, but he's trying to
paint "black" as "light gray".

been made Ultra Top Secret," Luthor lied with aplomb. "While Japan may be
our allies, if they have stolen our advancements for the next decade and
destroyed them for our own use,

"deployed" or "developed" then for "their" own use, I think you mean.
Or is Lex really
claiming that somebody stole info from a top U.S. lab and also somehow
managed to destroy
every other copy of that info, even the off-site D/R backups?  Myers
would see through a
lie like that in a minute, I'd think.

Hard to say. It could have been one lab that had the information only and
mostly in one person's head.

"Those trumped up charges won't be listened to here, sir. You have

basically

helped make sure the Navy is going to be here and not gutted over the
military cuts." Meyers led them to an already cleared officer's bunk

room.

"I'll bring your meals myself."

"Of course. Thank you. By the way, Commander, how is Lisa these days?"

Lex

asked in an overly casual tone of voice.

"She's doing better after her latest chemotherapy. The doctor have high
hopes that her Leukemia will finally go into remission."

That's too many holds.  You're saying Lex has an expensive, scarce
medical treatment hold
over Myers, and ALSO his gratitude over Lex's lobbying for Navy funding,
and ALSO needs
to lie about why he's transporting Ranma and Akane unconsciously?
Suggest you skip one
of the holds, depending on your plans for Myers.  If he sticks with
Luthor, suggest you drop
the lobbying bit; if he later betrays Luthor, suggest you drop the
medical treatment.  As it is,
you're straining your readers' credulity too much:  how did/could Luthor
get this many holds
over a randomly-chosen submarine commander, whose orders happened to
have him in
Japan?  Does Luthor have similar holds over all other U.S. sub
commanders?  Or did Luthor
influence the guy's orders to get his sub sent to Japan?  And why does
the guy act like this,
if Luthor has this much hold over him?  And why does Luthor bother with
the story if so?

The funding thing is "more general" good will. And the sub captain is not
*entirely* random. Luthor get's a lot of holds over important people. He's
willing to use his company's technology to leverage someone before.

The lie (about Ranma and Akane) is more so that the captain can plausibly
think that this is the real reason that he's kidnapping (and everyone there
knows that he is, he's just put it in such a way that it is vaguely
palatible to the captain.)

Arthur Hansen


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'