Crossing the Line Teaser

Yep, it's crossing the line alright.

Obviously, he was outnumbered.  They had weapons that
were artificial, yet extremely effective.

All weapons are "artificial" except those which are a natural part of the
body, such as fangs, claws, and the penis of the male dolphin.

His advantages?  He was physically stronger and so
much faster than them.  Strong and tough though these
terrorists were, their body structure could not

"Body structure"? Unless you're attempting to imply they are not human in
some form or fashion, don't use fancy terms like this. You're trying to make
yourself look smarter and more skilled as a writer, and consequently are
only making yourself look more flawed and ignorant.

withstand a prolonged assault from any kicks or
punches that he would throw.

See? You could just as easily express this entire concept in a more natural
fashion:

"Strong and tough though these terrorists were, he doubted any of them could
take the kind of punishment he could dish out."

Isn't that a lot easier on the eyes than what you wrote, and more
in-character for the perspective here?

  They probably had combat

experience and weaponless fighting, but Ranma was
multiple levels above what was considered a normal
martial artist.  Even Akane, as slow and uncoordinated
as she was, could beat a second dan in karate with
relative ease.  For close range combat, he had his
Chestnut Fist.  For long range attacks, he had the
Mouko Takabisha and the vacuum blades.  For group
tactics, he had the Hiryu Shoten Ha and the Demon God
Dance.  For secrecy, he had his own stealth, and also
not to mention the Mantle of the Thief.

Yes, thank you for summarising all of Ranma's abilities, for those of us
reading a Ranma fanfic with no working knowledge of what Ranma can do.

Ranma nodded as he mentally tabulated everything up.

And came up with a grand total of 22 yen.

His greatest advantage was that they had no idea he
was stalking them,  they had no idea what he was
capable of, and they had no idea of the kind of power
needed to kill a god that lied in his callused hands.

This paragraph right here is just repeating the five or six before it. The
sad thing is that it's doing so in a much less stilted and unappetising way.

Sealing his emotions away with the Soul of Ice, Ranma
engaged the Umisenken and made his way into their
midst.

Wasn't he already under the Umisenken? Continuity clarification, please.

If Torch was furious before, now he was absolutely,
totally pissed off now.

Redundant use of repeating words that repeat themselves is redundant, and
you shouldn't do it because it's repetitive.

The Dreadnok began to reach for his revolver from his
belt, with the obvious intention of making his claims
real.  But suddenly, out of thin air, a man appeared
out of thin air.

Redundant use of repeating words that repeat themselves is redundant, and
you shouldn't do it because it's repetitive.

While the terrorist soldiers were anxiously and
looking for a trace of him, a certain Ranma Saotome,

'anxiously and looking'...is invalid syntax. Try again.

cloaked in the Umi-senken, mentally calculated his
next move.

"I keep coming up with a divide by zero error."

Cursing roundly

How does one curse roundly...?

sidearm in his belt.  But he failed in that too as
Ranma displayed his displeasure in having a lethal
weapon aimed in his direction.

Yeah...most people kinda don't like that. Unless they're sickos or
something.

The terrorist's faceplate shattered, along with his
nose and most of his front teeth.  The physical shock
of the unbelievingly strong punches being delivered

"unbelievingly" is probably not an actual word; in any event, it's not the
word you want here. The word that is appropriate here is "unbelievably".

"I Ranma Saotome.  This sorry I am for."

Nice twist with the broken English there. :)

Erm...this needs a lot of work. It has potential, but...yeah.

==============================
"Capitalization is the difference between
 'I helped my uncle Jack off a horse' and
 'I helped my uncle jack off a horse'."
==============================
The Eternal Lost Lurker
(This space for rent)
www.lurkerdrome.com



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'