Sorry for the delay. ^-^

Yeah, I read this, but only now did I have time to C&C (the thesis is a bitch). Somehow, the feeling of 'fanfic cliche' reared its ugly head in my mind while reading this, but then I thought, "Eh? Why not a new character?" and read on. Comments below.


Elisteran NA wrote:

Disclaimer: The characters and back-story of Ranma 1/2 are the creation
of Rumiko Takahashi.

"It's been fun, Ranma. Real fun." The girl's tone didn't sound too
pleased,though.

pleased, though

"Now go away and *leave* *me* *alone*!" A box of

clothes was thrown out the door at the man standing by the stairs.

"Akane! No! Don't do this to me! Don't do this to us!" 

This must be set late in the manga for Ranma to be this honest.

was the

plaintive whine in response. "Come on, we can work things out! Akane!"
The door slammed shut. The man tensed his fists -- he could break it
down, he could duck outside and jump in through the window, he
could... argh! he savagely hit the air with his fists. This wasn't the
Akane he knew.

Ranma: That's right! Akane is just being... OOC!

Oh wait, fourth wall... :) Strange thing is that, few people realize the uber-angry Akane really isn't the Akane Ranma knows. Akane Phobia, anyone? ;P

Aha! "Akane! I know it's not really you saying that! That Stork
character messed with your head, that's all! I'll go pound a cure out
of him! Just wait for me!"

I read the earlier C&C on this matter and your subsequent response to this. A word of advice? Though it may actually go against the point of the style you're employing here, the reader would appreciate it a lot if you him a nice explanation or further hints.

He ran off and was gone. Inside the apartment Akane only sighed. 'That
idiot. He thinks this is a problem he can just beat up.'

Suggest: "He thinks that this is a problem he can just beat up." (not quite sure if you really need to add the 'that', though)

She continued

to pack her belongings. Several years of living with Ranma let her
know just how he'd react, so she wasn't worried about him surprising
her. 'First he'll fight, then he'll go off and train, then fight some
more. Probably land himself in some new love triangle, or chasing some
new cure.'

Well, Ranma isn't exactly an instigator of events. He just experiences them as they come and go. Less complicated (for him) that way... in a manner of speaking. Though when you say it's a 'new' love triangle, does that mean that future Ranma actually lands two fiancees at the same time? :P

Akane sighed again, tears coming to her eyes. 'Why won't he ever grow
up!? 

Suggest: 'Why won't he grow up!?' (drop 'ever') or 'Will he ever grow up?!'

I have... and I don't think I can keep waiting for him.'

I guess this has promise. It even has a moral lesson for all the girls out there... You can't change a man. The man should change all by himself. Hell, and vice-versa too!

At this,

she sat down, and let the tears flow. She knew it was best this way,
knew she should be gone by the time Ranma returned. 'A clean
separation is the only way.' She should be gone, and not leave a
forwarding address. Maybe then Ranma and she could give up on each
other and go their separate ways.

Runaway bride, huh? Gee, good thing they haven't gotten kids yet, too.

"2 bricks!" she exclaimed. "You're a martial artist!?"

"I shure am." He nodded sagely. "But I wouldna hurt no pretty lady."
Hey, she was blushing almost as red as his own alcohol-ruddened
skin. It just made her prettier.

Ranma: HEY! No fair! That chump change says he won't fight a lady, and you're not getting angry, Akane? Double standard! Booo!

She smiled at him. "So what are you going to do tomorrow, warrior? Go
off and train to defeat your enemies? Rescue magical princesses in
durance vile?"

(blinks) 'durance vile'?

Sighing slightly, he spent a few minutes removing the weights, and
then started his first set. 

If you had a point about the weights, I totally missed it. You totally lost me. Somehow, the narrative appeared to me as roundabout, describing every little thing which may have relevance to the story but not by much.

By the time an hour had passed, he was completely spent. He didn't
bother packing a lunch for the next day; he'd pick something up from a
street vendor. It'd be a nice ordinary day.

Um, so is this supposed to be the point? Ordinariness? Normal martial arts? 

Akane froze mid-sip, her coffee mug half raised to her lips. She
turned and looked at Ichiro, noticing the almost-forgotten but still
familiar gleam of admiration in his eyes -- an admiration which would
all too soon lead to obsession.

Tsk. That's the same thing with Kuno, Shampoo and all the others, eh? The superhuman martial artist effect of Ranma.

Her face a frozen mask, Akane swiveled and

went silently into the kitchen, wiping her hands free of the powder
that was all that remained of her mug.

Ooooh. Touchy. 

Saay, shouldn't the mug be somehow soggy since there's liquid in it? Or wet and broken if Akane had crushed the handle only?

Ichiro barely saw her go. He turned and went into the exercise room,
hoping to improve himself, so that next time he saw the red-haired
girl, he might impress her. It wasn't a sexual interest, it was... a
challenge. As he bent himself to the task, he never heard Akane slip
out the door, gone again in search of normalcy.

Ah, okay. For someone who used to beat up an army of boys everyday, Akane sure does want 'normalcy' a lot.

I guess I finally got the meaning of this short fic. Concise, to the point, and not all that many grammar mistakes. I can't make any suggestions, since this is obviously a one-shot that I can't relate to all that much, but I do believe the fic served whatever purpose or message you wanted to share well. 

Keep on writing.

Author's notes: here's another short one. I just haven't been able to
make much progress on my longer fics, recently, but I have had a bunch
of ideas bounce in my head. I thought this one would be longer, too,
but... it's not. Comments , positive and negative, very welcome,
either to the FFML or privately. My sincere thanks to those who have already 
read it and/or commented.

Understood. The infamous writer's block, eh? Short fics are just in order for that... that, and reading lots of other works. 


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