On Mon, 01 Nov 2004 06:38:32 -0600, Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> wrote:
Elisteran NA <elisteran@gmail.com> wrote:
Aha! "Akane! I know it's not really you saying that! That Stork
character messed with your head, that's all! I'll go pound a cure out
of him! Just wait for me!"
Who? Are we supposed to know who he's talking about? At first I thought this
might be a weird way of saying that Akane is suffering from post-natal
depression, but on a more careful reading it doesn't fit (and there's no mention
of there being a kid).
Nope. My intention was to firmly plant this story into the future,
post-Saffron by a long ways. Given Ranma's regular battles, the
easiest way to do this was to mention a new character. And, of
course, the villain's name is a nod to Akane's turning her thoughts
towards her future with Ranma, in an attempt to suit the subtlety
of a show which demonstrates the tension and obsession of
hobbyist competitors with battle shogi.
Both you and another reader didn't seem to like this, so I'm torn. I
think the technique is valid and I rather like it; I believe you commented
negatively on it in your response to the P-Chan letters on the list a while
back, though, so I'm assuming you're just not a fan of it in general.
If I write more stories in this setting, I'll expand on this, I think.
Akane sighed again, tears coming to her eyes. 'Why won't he ever grow
up!? I have... and I don't think I can keep waiting for him.' At this,
she sat down, and let the tears flow. She knew it was best this way,
knew she should be gone by the time Ranma returned. 'A clean
separation is the only way.' She should be gone, and not leave a
forwarding address. Maybe then Ranma and she could give up on each
other and go their separate ways.
IMO, for this to work we really need to be shown more of what she's talking
about. In what ways has Akane grown up (or in what ways does she think she has)?
What specifically is she expecting from Ranma that he isn't giving?
You've never run into the one partner thinks he/she is more mature than the
other? Doesn't matter if it's true or not, they just have to think so.
But you're right, some more specifics would be useful. I'll expand this a bit.
(As an out-of-prose explanation for what I was going for: Akane is starting
to think about a family, about a more settled job, about doing something
more meaningful with her and their life instead of semi-itinerant people who
beat up other people around Japan. Ranma is much less worried about
this; he is content defining himself as a martial artist. This would exhibit
itself in friendships, in hobbies, and in establishing legacies).
Ichiro Tokugawa was feeling rather proud of himself. He had just
earned his black belt, been praised by his boss at work,
and he was pretty sure that raven-haired beauty over at the bar was
looking at him. He raised his beer to her, and went back to his
daydreams.
Describing someone as "raven-haired" in Japan is like also mentioning that she's
yellow-skinned, or like describing someone as "caucasian" in a USA corporate
board room. :) Suggest you get a little more detailed here. How exactly does
the hair, or maybe some other physical feature, look to Ichi?
This story's world is more hair-colored--varied than real-world Japan.
Your point is noted on describing her, though :-). I'll cut out the bird-haired
bit and describe her in a bit more detail.
Don't limit yourself to anime character designs. Try to imagine the scene as if
it were actually happening, rather than as if you were watching it on screen.
What would this character Akane really look like?
"The biggest," he hopefully didn't slur. "I'm a -- a black belt now."
She didn't look too pleased, so he bragged a bit more. "I shma,
smashed 2 bricks at my test. Broke him my firsht blow. Bam!" Ichiro
smashed two bricks
(numbers scan better if you write them out, unless they're very large)
Ah, right. At least I didn't $2$ it :-)
She sipped at the foam on top of her mug. "That... sounds like it
might be fun." She took a much bigger gulp. She continued to drink
steadily through the night, draining her last glass only when Ichiro
got up to leave. She drunkenly wove her arm through his, and staggered
home with him.
Looks like you want a scene change marker right after this.
I've been trying to avoid scene change markers, actually, and indicate
through prose. Some books I was reading use them, and some don't, and
I find them a bit offputting. Was the scene change not clear enough just
from the text?
Ichiro nodded, his eyes. alight. "Oh, they were fighting, all
right. The girl -- she jumped further than I ever thought was
possible. Her kicks couldn't have been all that strong, as fast as she
was going, but it was just amazing!" And the last, where Akane could
barely hear him, "her hair... so red, so enchanting..."
Couldn't have been Ranma, then. Even if you take the anime character designs at
face value, his hair is indistinctive enough that he can put on a pair of
glasses or some other minor disguise and have people not recognize him.
Well, he can have Ranma characters not recognize him. Ranma characters are,
hmm, how to put this, not known for their high intelligence and observation
skills.
(Besides, he didn't even mention the abnormally huge eyeballs.)
Well, I dunno. The basic idea is there, but I think we really need to know a lot
more of what's going on inside Akane's head. Right now, at least to me, she
comes off as a total flake, making me wonder whether if she does get back
together with Ranma she'll run off with the mailman two weeks later.
She's not a flake! She's the responsible one, that's why she got up and left
without resolving anything with Ranma! And without discussing her baggage with
her new boyfriend. And by muting herself!
But yeah, she's supposed to be in a zone where she's trying to make a different
way through the world than everybody has had outlined for her. Basically her
rebellious stage. I will take another look at it to try to give some
more insight into
her characters; but I'll be more likely to go into Akane's issues in a
future story in this universe than revising this fic, I think.
But thanks a lot for your comments; they've made me think about how I've
approached the fic quite a bit. (Oh, and I have taken most of your
grammar suggestions
and comments without comment).
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