Fingers of sunlight tickled the closed eyelids of Ranma.

Wording is too clunky. Rather than "the closed eyelids of Ranma", why not
"Ranma's closed eyelids"?

 He grumbled as his
consciousness stirred, awakening the rest of him painstakingly.

Again, more needlessly clunky phrasing. You're trying to be impressively
verbose, and only succeeding in being obstructive to the narration and to
the reader.

It felt as if a thousand bees lanced his brain repeatedly with Amaguriken
speed.  He shuddered violently in agony, slamming the offended eye shut.

Later,

this would prove to be his second mistake of the day.

And cataloguing Ranma's mistakes of the day in the narrative....nah, too
easy.

thing he could do with the least amount of pain inflicted on him.  Hoping
that it wasn't Shampoo (that incident caused far too much trouble for him

at the

time, and he rather not have a repeat of it), he used his fingers of one

hand

to feel out the unknown interloper.  This would be his third mistake of

the

day.

Stop it with the "# mistake of the day" crap! Yeesh!

There was no other choice; he had to open his eyes.  Very cautiously, he
pried them open little by little, tilting his head down and away from any

source

of light.  His head throbbed with the ever presence of those accursed

bees, but

"ever presence" is not valid syntax.

Already off-balanced from Nabiki's scream, Ranma found himself tumbling to

off-balance

the floor violently.  He bounced off of a polished white dress shoe

sitting

sideways on the matted floor

That'd have to be one hell of a big shoe. Especially for being in a place it
has no business being. :P

She

sharply sucked in her breath, her eyes popping wide open as she stared at

the

white spread over the mattress.

......MIIIIIIIIGHT wanna rethink that particular turn of phrase. >_<

All color drained from Nabiki's face then.  After spending several moments
blinking at the unchanging scene, she sank down to her knees, muttering

"It's

all a dream" over and over.  A tear appeared to fall quietly along the

side of

It either fell, or it did not fall. Lose the "appeared to fall" shit.

"Okay... I think I'll be heading down to the bath house now."

She's going to leave the house and walk all the way to a public bath house
naked except for a sheet?

“Look, you think I like this any more than I do?

Umm...rephrase that.

Ranma grinned.  “Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant the first time

you

have sex with someone!”

And Ranma shows his ignorance in true fashion.

Interesting...work a little harder on those narrative issues, and try to
come up with a way to fix the weird formatting problems.

==============================
"Capitalization is the difference between
 'I helped my uncle Jack off a horse' and
 'I helped my uncle jack off a horse'."
==============================
The Eternal Lost Lurker
(This space for rent)
www.lurkerdrome.com



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