Elisteran NA <elisteran@gmail.com> wrote:

"It's been fun, Ranma. Real fun." The girl's tone didn't sound too
pleased,though. "Now go away and *leave* *me* *alone*!" A box of

pleased, though.
(spacing)

clothes was thrown out the door at the man standing by the stairs.

Suggest:

She threw a box of clothes out the door
(or)
A box of clothes flew out the door

"Akane! No! Don't do this to me! Don't do this to us!" was the
plaintive whine in response. "Come on, we can work things out! Akane!"
The door slammed shut. The man tensed his fists -- he could break it
down, he could duck outside and jump in through the window, he
could... argh! he savagely hit the air with his fists. This wasn't the
Akane he knew.

RANMA: Come to think of it, whatever happened to the Akane I knew?

THE AKANE HE DIDN'T KNOW: I killed her, and I'm glad.

Aha! "Akane! I know it's not really you saying that! That Stork
character messed with your head, that's all! I'll go pound a cure out
of him! Just wait for me!"

Who? Are we supposed to know who he's talking about? At first I thought this
might be a weird way of saying that Akane is suffering from post-natal
depression, but on a more careful reading it doesn't fit (and there's no mention
of there being a kid).

Akane sighed again, tears coming to her eyes. 'Why won't he ever grow
up!? I have... and I don't think I can keep waiting for him.' At this,
she sat down, and let the tears flow. She knew it was best this way,
knew she should be gone by the time Ranma returned. 'A clean
separation is the only way.' She should be gone, and not leave a
forwarding address. Maybe then Ranma and she could give up on each
other and go their separate ways.

IMO, for this to work we really need to be shown more of what she's talking
about. In what ways has Akane grown up (or in what ways does she think she has)?
What specifically is she expecting from Ranma that he isn't giving?

Ichiro Tokugawa was feeling rather proud of himself. He had just
earned his black belt, been praised by his boss at work,
and he was pretty sure that raven-haired beauty over at the bar was
looking at him. He raised his beer to her, and went back to his
daydreams.

Describing someone as "raven-haired" in Japan is like also mentioning that she's
yellow-skinned, or like describing someone as "caucasian" in a USA corporate
board room. :)  Suggest you get a little more detailed here. How exactly does
the hair, or maybe some other physical feature, look to Ichi?

Don't limit yourself to anime character designs. Try to imagine the scene as if
it were actually happening, rather than as if you were watching it on screen.
What would this character Akane really look like?

"The biggest," he hopefully didn't slur. "I'm a -- a black belt now."
She didn't look too pleased, so he bragged a bit more. "I shma,
smashed 2 bricks at my test. Broke him my firsht blow. Bam!" Ichiro

smashed two bricks
(numbers scan better if you write them out, unless they're very large)

"2 bricks!" she exclaimed. "You're a martial artist!?"

"Two

(I've been told you should never start a sentence with a numeral.)

"I shure am." He nodded sagely. "But I wouldna hurt no pretty lady."

ICHI: So lemme drag y' out inna mud first, so yer not s' pretty.

AKANE: Hey!

She sipped at the foam on top of her mug. "That... sounds like it
might be fun." She took a much bigger gulp. She continued to drink
steadily through the night, draining her last glass only when Ichiro
got up to leave. She drunkenly wove her arm through his, and staggered
home with him.

Looks like you want a scene change marker right after this.

"So what do you want to do tonight, honey?" Akane looked like she was
fighting the temptation to sleep ; she had worked an early shift

sleep; she
(remove extra space)

"Oh, good, then I'll be going to bed. Good night, sweetums," Akane

sweetums." Akane
(presumably she isn't yawning and stretching the words "Oh, good, then...."
She's just yawning and stretching)

He kissed Akane good night and resolved himself to a stiff working
out. A few minutes of stretching to work the kinks out, and he went

The repetition of "work out" here is a bit awkward.

Ichiro nodded, his eyes. alight. "Oh, they were fighting, all
right. The girl -- she jumped further than I ever thought was
possible. Her kicks couldn't have been all that strong, as fast as she
was going, but it was just amazing!" And the last, where Akane could
barely hear him, "her hair... so red, so enchanting..."

Couldn't have been Ranma, then. Even if you take the anime character designs at
face value, his hair is indistinctive enough that he can put on a pair of
glasses or some other minor disguise and have people not recognize him.
(Besides, he didn't even mention the abnormally huge eyeballs.)

Well, I dunno. The basic idea is there, but I think we really need to know a lot
more of what's going on inside Akane's head. Right now, at least to me, she
comes off as a total flake, making me wonder whether if she does get back
together with Ranma she'll run off with the mailman two weeks later.



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