Weee. Looking forward to this:

Jorge Pratt Blanno wrote

Commenting as I read, and without having read the other replies, since I
don't want to let another day pass before C&C'ing :P

I always do the same thing anymore. I like reacting as I'm reading.

Azumanga Royale

Aaaaigh! Well, I guess that's what I get for taking so long with my own
version. XO

I knew others had it in their minds, and I'm not surprised it was you. But
hey, you managed to xover it with 'The Ring' (both versions) so I'm sure
it'll be good too.

(OTOH, mine had only Gotcha-style paintball battles, so I guess it
doesn't apply XD)

I'd still read it.

(Both the Original Version and Director's Cut)

Oh, I have *got* to get my hands on the Director's Cut. Do you know if
Tartan's version is R0, or at least NTSC-compatible?

Nope. Actually I meant my Director's Cut. And it was because I couldn't
decide which ending was best, so I used both in a way which is comercially
viable. :)

[Forward: Come on, you know someone had to mix the two. This is a

parody, so

don't think for one second I'm taking a serious look at a merging of

the

two. As in the tradition of much Japanese cinema, there will be huge

amounts

of blood and gratuitous violence.]

XO

Much of it committed by Tomo as soon as she gets her hands on Kiriyama's
Ingram, I wager.

Nah. Too easy.

"No, I'm just excited we get to go there. Yukari-sensei said we'd get

a lot

of time to be outdoors."

Heh! Well, only if this is a traditional Program, unless Nanahara has
already done his thing with downtown Tokyo.

Nah. I admit to only watching BR once and reading one volume of the manga.
It was fun to watch once (especially since I generally like Beat Takeshi),
but I don't really want to rewatch it. Once was good enough to get the full
impact.

"She did seem unnaturally happy," Kagura added.

That's... unusually cruel of Yukari :P I can easily see her dancing and
skipping in the halls, but it's cruel of her nonetheless.

Well, in this case she misunderstands the purpose of BR. She thinks her
class is going to kill someone else's. Think of it as a twisted episode
regarding the sports festival. :)

"It's because she doesn't have to teach class," Tomo explained.

"And gets to wear a gas mask," Osaka added.

XD

and so it begins.

All of the girls turned to Osaka, mystified.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kagura asked.

"Look." Osaka pointed to the front of the bus, where Yukari was

sitting

placidly, gas mask over her face.

And metal nightstick in her hand, to deal with any light sleepers...

Nah. She doesn't do her own gruntwork.

"Why is the bus driver wearing one, too?"

"He caught a case of asthma from me."

Heh. Nice segue.

Thanks.

"I'm thinking maybe she had a whole lot of beans yesterday, and

doesn't want

to smell the results," Tomo guessed.

After all, they had already witnessed Yukari finally being taken out to
Korean BBQ, and they could attest to the horrid aftermath.

Heh. This is true. And I forgot Osaka's 'I smelled a fart that wasn't mine'
gag. I need to rewatch the whole thing one of these days, though I did start
on the first episode the other day. Forgot they gave names to Chihiro and I
think someone else who disappears after an episode or two. It does start off
slow.

appeared old and run down, with garbage strewn everywhere and chairs

and

desks tossed in a heap against one wall. Several of the windows were

broken,

and it was dark outside.

Aa, a difference. IIRC, the windows in the movie were boarded up, and
the novel had them sealed with metal sheeting, in order to confuse the
students. It's just a minor comment that will prolly have no bearing on
the story, but I found it interesting.

Will change to boarded over. Although the girl is still going to leap.

All eyes turned to the front of the classroom. Yukari stood there,

beaming

at them. Rather than the blouse, skirt, and gas mask she wore on the

bus,

she now wore combat fatigues and metal helmet.

She didn't really have to wear the fatigues, but when the alternative
was a raggedy set of sweatpants...

Nah. I like the idea of military dressed Yukari. :)

There was even an automatic
in the holster on her hip. The teacher was surrounded by a dozen men

also

garbed in fatigues. All of them had rough faces and wielded automatic

rifles

as though they were as much a part of them as their limbs and would

use them

without a second thought.

Is that a miffed and dejected Kitano I see among them...?

Don't remember the actual names of the characters in BR (been a couple of
years since I've seen it)

Tomo said, "Wow, Yukari-sensei, you sure can cut one."

"That was sleep gas, you little ingrate!" Yukari snapped.

XD

Nice to see that one worked.

She continued on in a boastful voice. "I had to really pitch a hard

case to

get you guys included this year. The powers that be didn't think you

were

appropriate. But after countless hours of closed room discussions, I
convinced them you were the right class to be represented this year."

They continued staring silently at her.

Soldiers: ............

Soldier1: [aside] She *volunteered* them?

Soldier2: It's worse. The BR Program officially ended two years ago.

Heh.

That snapped Kaorin out of her stupor. "Are you insane?! I don't want

to be

in the Battle Royale!"

o_O Kaorin knows about the Program?

I thought it was public knowledge to serve as a deterrient. They do have the
interview at the start with the survivor of one. Although now that I think
about it, she would have won a minimum of 3 years ago, since there were the
two returners in the BR movie.

"What sort of weapons?" Osaka asked.

Notice that she didn't react to the last sentence :P

(Then again, nor did any of the other students, either.)

True, though In Osaka's case, there's a reason for it.

Kagura leveled an accusatory finger at her "So this is why you

included that

question 'What weapon would you use to kill a fellow student?' on our
history quiz last week, isn't it?"

*facefault*

Yukari is lazy and unimaginative.

"It was the only question I got right," Osaka said sadly.

Awww... ;_;

But she did get it right, as we find  out by the end.

One of the soldiers spoke up. "Ma'am, there is no other class. Your

students

are supposed to kill one another."

Yukari's laughter stopped. "What?"

*facefault through the floor* Oy...

I thought it would be a nice touch. Yukari adapts, as always, though.

"Behold!" Yukari ripped the cover off.

Mr. Hayashida, NOO!

Stretched out prone on the gurney was Kimura.

Oh, wait, it's this guy. Nevermind, then.

Heh

Kimura suddenly sat up, shouting, "No, you can never have

Kaorin-chan!"

8O It LIVES! Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Kaorin will handle that. In any case, I thought it was a good transposition
between BR and AD with Kimura in the role

Yukari was the first to recover. She slapped Kaorin on the back.

"That's the

spirit! I want all of you to go out there and grease each other with

all the

enthusiasm that Kaorin just demon-"

"DIIIIIIIEEEE!" Kaorin shouted and began stabbing the motionless

Kimura

again.

*laughs himself silly* That's three years of pent-up disgust, I can see.

He was the bane to her existance.

Yukari nodded. "They also register your vital signs and where you are,

so we

can keep track of you." Yukari pulled a small control pad, about the

size of

a television remote, from one of the pockets on her uniform. "This is

the

remote detonator. If any of you get out of line, or try to flee the

island,

I'll blow you up."

*snap-click*

Osaka: [with the collar harmlessly in her hands] Aa, it came off...

Yukari: 8O

Soldiers: 8O

Osaka: Does this mean I win?

Yukari: How... Why did it... How did you...

Osaka: Oh, there's this little latch here that twists and...

*snap-click-snap-click-snap-click*

Students: [all without collars] ........

Yukari: Uh... This was a joke, guys. Just testing your reactions to
unfavorable situations! Yeah, that's it! [to the soldiers] Right guys?

Soldiers: .... [flee]

Yukari: XO

Hehehehehe. Very nice.

There was the sound of a loud crack as the device exploded, destroying

the

carotid artery of the student, sending a spray of blood across the

floor

before he collapsed to the ground, unmoving.

[Nameless Male Student #21: Dead]

Nobu-- er, Ohyama, NOO!

And this was fun, playing off the namelessness of everyone else in the
class.

[Nameless Female Student #17: Dead]

"Stop her before she kills them all herself!" one of the soldiers

shouted.

XD I can SO see her doing this!

Ditto. it is Yukari, no matter the fusion. :)

Yukari explained, "It is now. I might want to go out for a walk later,

and I

don't want to trip over a bunch of corpses."

Oh? No Forbidden Zones in this Program? As I recall, the purpose of the
Zones was to keep shrinking the territory that the students could roam
freely, thus forcing them into confronting one another. While you still
have the three-day limit, it's still conceivable for one or two students
to hide away for the duration of the game.

Due to the way the story unfolds, it's useless information, otherwise I
would have included it.

The reality of the situation began to seep in for the students, who

began

separating from one another, either as individuals or in small groups.
Everyone stared warily at those not around them, regarding the others

as

though they were starving animals and the rest of the class was

slathered in

bacon grease.

Or as though they were eggplants and the rest of the class were dipped
in melon jam, but that's because Osaka had skipped breakfast that
morning.

Heh.

have to participate. Since you and me are clearly the best, and evenly
matched, we'll make it a contest between us. We'll kill everyone else

until

it's just us two, and the one who has the highest body count gets to

kill

the other."

That's... an interesting way to look at things. o_O

Kagura was a hard one to write. This was the best I could come up with.

"Nah, it'll be fun and keep things interesting. 'Sides, I want to

prove once

and for all I'm better than you. Good luck." Kagura's name was called.

She

slapped Sakaki on the back and headed off to grab her pack.

So, "machine-gun" and "shotgun," are they?

Nah. Sakaki's too passive. Chiyo OTOH....

Tomo whispered. "Why don't we sucker them by pretending to buddy up

with

them? Then, when their backs are turned, we'll whack them. We'll start

with

Chiyo first. She'll be easy to kill."

A phrase that will come back to haunt her when all her bullets sail
harmlessly above Chiyo's head.

Heh

"Pretend to buddy up and then stab them in the back. Sounds good to

me, my

best buddy in the whole world." Yomi gave Tomo a smile, one so large

it

nearly reached back to her ears.

8O

XD

You knew it was coming.

"It's what friends call each other, right, Tomo-chan?" Impossibly, her

smile

widened.

"Teach! Yukari-chan! Yomi's giving me the creeps!"

"I kind of like the idea of us being alone and trying to kill one

another."

"Teach! Yomi's cornering me with logic again!"

That never stopped Tomo, though.

Yomi's smile became more blood chilling. That was the weapon she had

written

down on the quiz when the Battle Royale question had come up. She had

been

envisioning it for a number of years, coincidentally in conjunction

with

killing a classmate. One in particular.

Heh! Coincidentally, I had pegged her as coming up with the RG86 grenade
launcher to use on Tomo :P

Nah. Too quick. She wants something slow and painful.

Yomi began a slow walk toward the exit, calling out, "Tomo-chan, my

best

buddy in the whole world, wait for me so we can 'team up'. I'll

introduce

you to my new friend, Mr. Spiky Bat. He's been wanting to meet you for

a

real long time. I think you're going to become real close."

*shudder*

You know she's fantasized about it. She has to have.

The one with the knife spoke to his partner. "Hey, it's Tomo."

"Good. I've always wanted to kill her," The second said.

Well, that oughta teach Tomo to curb her berserker tendencies when among
her classmates.

Yeah, right.

Before the first boy could react, Yomi swung, cracking open his skull

and

driving the nails into his brain, killing him instantly. The bat was

so

firmly embedded, Yomi had to step on the head and brace herself before
managing to pry it out of the corpse.

Aaaaand zoom in with the TMI Cam! *takes notes for CSO*

CSO?

The second youth had remained standing where he was, transfixed by the
savagery. Once Yomi's maniacal glare turned his was way, the spell was
broken. He turned and ran, but Yomi reacted with the quickness of a

cobra

and brought Mr. Spiky Bat down on his neck, breaking vertebrae and

killing

him instantly.

I can see Yomi as a pitch-black silhouette, only her glasses and manic
grin visible throughout this scene. Scary. o.o

Heh. That would work too. You know the eyeglasses gleaming thing is there.
It'sa  tradition for any eyeglass wearing character.

"Silly me. Did I say painlessly? I meant as *painfully* as possible."

Yomi

lunged for Tomo, but the shorter girl was quicker as she ran for it

once

again.

Run, Tomo, run!

But I have the feeling these two will go the double-suicide route,
anyway :P

Well... sort of.

Chiyo trembled in fright as she found herself alone in the woods. She

had

been one of the first to be sent out by Yukari, and had made the best

use

she could with her head start by running for it.

I half-expected her to pull a Shuya and try to make peace with everyone,
but then again, she's so much younger and smaller. Running was probably
the best bet.

Yep. And of course, it plays into her personality change.

Chiyo gave a terrified squeal and ran away from the tree, turning to

see who

had spoken. She saw it was one of the guys in class. She didn't know

his

name. It was hard to remember the names of anyone other than her

friends.

*somewhere, someplace, Kiyohiko Azuma and a Media Works director sneeze
simultaneously*

I thought it was a nice touch.

Next to him was a girl whom Chiyo identified as his girlfriend. At

least she

assumed the girl was. They had exchanged spit frequently enough.

Which they carried around in little vials in their pockets. It was
gross, really.

Heh

"Or I'll... I'll..." Chiyo pulled her weapon from her backpack. Her

hand was

barely able to support the massive weight of the .357 Magnum .

8O

Chiyo with a Magnum was another vision that popped up early in this.

Suddenly Chiyo brought the gun back up, held it steady in front of

her, and

pulled the trigger. The recoil was so great it sent the tiny girl

flying ten

feet backward.

"Chiyo-chan, why are you flying?"

"I'm ten years old and I just fired a Magnum! Aaaaaah!"

Yep. I envision it as sort of like when her dog jumped on her in the last
volume and sent her flying.

that the top of her boyfriend's skull was missing and the former

contents

within it were now decorating the tree Chiyo had been resting against

not a

minute earlier.

Deleted scenes from Trading Spaces, I assume.

Can't say I watch that one. Monk and Law and Order are the only two live
series I have the time to watch anymore. Mind you, I only recently started
watching L+O, and there are over 300 eps of it out there....

Chiyo yelped as she once again went flying through the air and landed

hard

on her bottom. She rested on her sore posterior for a few moments,

rubbing

it gingerly. It was a lucky thing for her her father had insisted she

learn

how to shoot a gun for self-defense.

Chiyo-chichi: Chiiiyoooooo..... Do you like pistoooools?

Chiyo: Yay! Yay! I get to practice with guns!

Chiyo-chichi: You can use me for target practice. I'm bulletproof!

Chiyo: Whee!

Bear in mind the VA for her father is also the VA for Vicious in Cowboy
Bebop. All of a sudden, this becomes much easier to envision.

Chiyo had always thought he was being
paranoid, but obeyed. It turned out she was a natural shot, though she

had

never fired anything more powerful than a .22.

She would have called herself Derringer Chiyo, but then a short-haired
woman with a long white cape came by and slapped a copyright lawsuit on
her.

Heh.

"I'll give this to the teacher." The first one printed a copy of the
results. Grabbing the sheet, he walked back to the classroom that

served as

the starting line for the participants in the Battle Royale and to the
teacher's desk Yukari sat at.

He handed her the paper. "The latest casualties, Ma'am."

Yukari: Hey, what gives? That Kitano guy last year had computer displays
and radar screens and everything!

It's the cheap version.

"No! With all of them dead, I'm going to have to learn a whole new

seating

plan!" Yukari buried her head in her hands and sobbed into the desk

once

again.

...........................rrrrright. So, what's with 'em Yankees?

Hey, that's canon. She mentions that as to why the class is mostly unchanged
in the second year.

boys and three girls. The bore a host of deadly weapons, from basic

things,

like knives and sickles, to more modern weapons, like a pistol and

even a

sub-machinegun.

Nice to see the someone taking the place of the Kiriyama Family ^_^

But not for long.

Sakaki was left to defend herself with the very item she had
mentioned on the test.

Perhaps a stuffed cat wasn't the best thing to kill a fellow student

after

all.

......no, I don't think it's actually possible to kill with cuteness.
Unless she were to smother them with it, I guess.

That could work.

"Noooo!" Came a cry from above. The ringleader looked up to see a

small

figure dart out from its place on a lower branch of a nearby tree. He

saw a

flash of pink, identifying it as a girl's school uniform.

Then his eyes exploded as a sledgehammer caved in his skull.

Awww... I was kinda hoping to see them all kill each other through a
series of improbably slip-ups, leaving Sakaki unharmed :P

Nah. As long as Kaorin breathes, she will be there to defend Sakaki.

[Nameless Female Student #14: Dead]

[Nameless Male Student #7: Dead.]

[Mitsuko: Dead?]

(Sorry, little injoke ^_-)

Did indeed go over my head.

All the anger and pain in the world disappeared for Kaorin. Sakaki was

not

only acknowledging her existence, but was actually concerned about

her.

And was giving her quite a show with that ripped skirt. Whoa!

Heh. That too. Might catch a glimpse of her cat face panties. :)

"Wh... Why, Chiyo?" Kaorin gasped.

"She's too cute to die."

Unless she faced off with Yotsuba. Then it would get messy.

Which one was that?

Un...grate...ful, bitch..." Kaorin rasped out, making an obscene

gesture in

Sakaki's direction before expiring.

Missing opening quotes, but I'm skipping the rest of such commens since
some of the previous C&Cs probably got to them first.

Not when this arrived. You were the first.

Now it came time to hunt down the others. As much as Sakaki didn't

want to

kill anyone, she resigned herself to the idea that it had to be this

way to

protect Chiyo. Although ideally Sakaki hoped she'd run into Tomo

first.

She'd feel the least amount of guilt at killing her.

Why does *everyone* feel that way about poor Tomo? ;_;

It's a running gag in this.

Chiyo brought her hand up and put a round through his chest.

[Nameless Male Student #16: Dead]

Well, there goes Nanahara, I guess.

Can't remember that name either.

"Because when I first came to the class, he made fun of me because of

my

height. Everyone did. Well, I might be small, but I have a big gun,

and in

the end, isn't that what really matters? Chiyo pulled the trigger

again.

[Nameless Female Student #3: Dead.]

And lo, Noriko died because of a grade-high-schooler with a Napoleon
complex. Such is life. *plays Amazing Grace in the background*

Heh

"Wow! This is actually kind of fun!" Payback was a bitch, and so was

she.

Being naughty felt pretty darn good. She wondered if she could find

Tomo.

*facefault*

Chiyo Mihama, as Mitsuko Souma ver. 2.0? Gah...

Someone had to snap. And Evil Chiyo has potential, since she is the
antithesis of it.

"Good-bye," Chiyo said, and pulled the trigger.

The gun simply clicked.

As most things in the world, the gun simply can't understand the
Escher-designed brain, much less try to pierce it.

Heh

"Of course I am. Goodbye, Chiyo-chan." Osaka brought her hands

forward, and

held the  weapon Yukari had given her high. Using all of her might,

she

brought it down hard right on top of Chiyo's skull.

[Female Student #1: Chiyo Mihama: Sore head]

"Ow!" Chiyo cried out. "That hurt."

*laughs himself into a well-endured stomachache*

It was time to use that for something other than commenting on the lack of
names for everyone else.

Osaka reexamined the item that had been in her backpack. "Darn. I

guess a

paper fan isn't a good weapon to kill a student with, like I thought

it

would."

Oh, I dunno, the last student to get a harisen pretty much cleaned house
:P

She'll figure out a way by the end of the Director's Cut.

Osaka struck Chiyo in the head again, eliciting another yelp. Osaka

sighed.

"Hold still, this might take a while."

*laughs himself into another stomachache*

Osaka is polite.

"Of course I did. I put it in one of the backpacks myself. That's why

I told

you not to worry about it. Now you know where it is."

8O

Well, it is Yukari.

"Hey, I was given carte blanche on what to take from the base, and

that was

one of the weapons that was on the list."

Chihiro: Hey, what's this? [takes out a full-size Positron Rifle from
her day pack] Woohoo! Score!

Heh.

"Shoot, wrong turn." Tomo's lament doubled when she saw Yomi emerge

from the

forest and into view, bat held at the ready

I'm still seeing her as a grinning, bespectacled silhouette, by the by
^_^

"If my good friend Koyomi Mizuhara wants be dead, then I have nothing

to

live for," Tomo said, her voice full of conviction.

;_; *sniff* That's beautiful, man... *sniff*

And Tomo is sincere. It just doesn't exactly work out is all.

"Well, I would." Tomo said proudly. "When I see a button that says

'Warning:

Will set off nuclear device' I just have to push it."

Rumor had it that one of those buttons was a self-destruct! And it
really was, this time!

Heh

Television reporter Akemi Shutaro cleared her voice as she looked into

the

camera and prepared to reveal to the world the winner of this year's

Battle

Royale. A veteran of covering the last three Battle Royales, she

always

waited until the very last minute to reveal the survivor to the

television

audience. She would pretend to be surprised, despite already knowing

the

name of the winner, as forwarded to her by the military.

Heh! Same reporter from the opening to the movie?

Supposed to be, though I don't remember her name.

you the

winner of this year's Battle Royale, Female Student #37: Osaka... um,

just

Osaka."

;_; Even national TV fails to award her a full name recognition.

Yukari provided the name and number lists, which is why everyone ended up
with the weapon they wanted.

Osaka walked up to the camera, blood staining her uniform in a variety

of

places. There was blood on her face as well, one patch in particular
resembling a handprint. She waved to the camera with a paper fan, also
soaked with blood.

Damn, that was SOME paper Yukari used. O.o

Osaka found a way, because she's Osaka. :)

"My god! You're Ayumu 'Nail File' Kasuga .You won last year's Battle

Royale

and earned your nickname by dispatching all of the opposition with a

nail

file.

XD

I think some people saw that one coming, which is the other reason this ends
up in the Director's Cut. It was a bit obvious.

Akemi was in shock. "You mean to tell me you actually killed people

with a

paper fan? I find that hard to believe."

"I can show the audience at home by killing you with it." Osaka drew

the fan

back.

Woohoo! Go, Osaka! I never liked that reporter anyway!

They all deserved to die, but only after the lawyers.

"You mean I don't have to use the weapon I was given?"

"Of course not. You can use any weapon you get your hands on."

Osaka stared at her fan in betrayal. "Darn."

*facefault*

I rather thought that would be classic Osaka.

In any case, she'd have to transfer again, and hopefully this time she

could

avoid killing everyone she knew. It was tiring. Especially for her

arms.

Although if she did, she'd think she'd try killing everyone with a

rubber

band. That would probably be a lot better weapon that a paper fan.

You know, the thought of Kiriyama or Kawada gasping their last breaths
to a rubber band is so surreal, so stupefying, so hilarious... that it
is perfectly believable. o.O

With Osaka, all things become possible.

You must write it! BRII awaits!

No.

In retrospect, I see that adding the concept of the Forbidden Zones
would have been totally unnecessary, so never mind my previous comment.

Yeah, I thought so too when it came time to write that part.

On the other hand, can't say I'm wasn't surprised by the sudden
ending --I was really looking forward to Sakaki vs. Kagura, and perhaps
a parallel to the movie in which a survivor or two finally got even with
Yukari.

I considered that, with a wounded Kagura winning, only to have Osaka finish
her off with the paper fan. But that would drag things out too long. This is
a parody, and nearly 50k in length. I think I milked it for all it was
worth. I'm satisfied with the end results.

Alas! that is what sequels and alternate storylines are for.
*nudge-nudge*

Funny thing, though... of all the Azugirls, only Kaorin got killed
on-screen :P

Only way it worked out. The scene called for it,or I would have skipped it
over too. The gratutious violence was diredcted more toward the nameless
members of the class rather than anyone else.

Thanks a lot for all the help and words of encouragement. I liked it a lot
and it was helpful.

DB Sommer

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