Subject: [FFML] Re: [KOR] [SHORTFIC] Shadows
From: hkmiller
Date: 6/3/2004, 9:15 AM
To: Kevin Callahan
CC: ffml@anifics.com


Kevin Callahan wrote:

Shadows
A KOR Shortfic by
Kevin M. Callahan


  Misako had light brown hair from her father.

Suggest:  "hair, from her father"  or "hair, inherited from her father"  
or  maybe just "hair."

perfectly with Japan.  Misako's eyes too were slightly round. Her eyes, 
though, that was her worst feature.

Awkward:  you begin with Misako's hair, then move to "eyes too", and 
then "her eyes, though".
Suggest:  "Misako's eyes were worse:  slightly too round, and the wrong 
color".

Misako was to 
stay a housewife.

Suggest "would stay a housewife"; "was to" suggests that it's somebody's 
plan, I think you're
trying to suggest a destiny Misako wouldn't really want to change if she 
could.

 She had never been employed, but she had practically 
raised Madoka.  What had she recieved for it?

"received" (sp)

grew up an average Japanese girl, struggling to get the best grades while 
still being submissive to all.  And that's the way she had niavely wanted it 
 

"naively"

thanks" that Misako was "doing her duty."  She wanted more despite the love 
she felt for her husband.  She was tired of being average.  She lived with 
an average man who had an average job in an average apartment and drove an 
average car.  

Is any of this really true?

Madoka had picked a whimsical man by the name of Kasuga 
Kyosuke who was a combat journalist.

Hmm... I think of the adult Kyosuke as a photographer first, and a 
combat journalist second.
Calling him the latter, leaving the "photographer" out, calls to mind 
pictures of Kyosuke running
around Bosnia with a pad of paper and a pencil behind one ear.

 They both lived alone in the large 
Ayukawa house.

"both lived alone" seems awkward  How about:  "The two of them occupied 
the large
Ayukawa house, leaving a number of rooms completely empty."

  Misako's husband flashed her a look.  She apologized for clenching her 
fist.  Maybe it wasn't Madoka's fault.  Misako had never asked for anything 
because had she done so, she would have lost the perfect image she had 
 

because (had she done so) she would have...

  "Friends, family, guests, this is the happiest day of my life. Today 
Kyosuke asked me something I've been wanting him to ask since we were in 
high school.

First time through this, I thought this scene was at the marriage of 
Madoka and Kyosuka.
But Madoka is saying "Today Kyosuke asked", and Madoka mentions an 
"announcement'
below.  So now I'm not sure at what kind of occasion this scene is set.  
Suggest you make
it clearer somehow.  Actually, Madoka's and Kyosuke's marriage would 
make a good
occasion, I think.

Below you say this occasion is the announcement of their engagement.  
How did they
manage to get a large group of family and friends together the very day 
Kyosuke
proposed to Madoka?  Especially Hikaru, who presumably had to come from 
New York.

course, I want to thank my parents.  Without them I wouldn't be here.  And 
Kyosuke's parents for the same reason in regards to him."

Not just Kyosuke's father?  His mother is long dead.

 More laughs.  
"I'd also like thank a very special person to both of us.  You all know 
Hikaru.  She was once a force that drove us apart.  We don't blame you for 
it at all."

That seems an awful thing to say in Hikaru's presence to a large group 
of family
and friends, even if they are all acquainted.  Why not just:  "Hikaru 
has been a very
dear friend to us both, and our relationship is much stronger because of 
her."

 Misako looked to Hikaru who smiled through her tears.  Whether 
Hikaru was crying from sorrow or joy, Misako couldn't tell.  She didn't 
really know Hikaru, although she'd been to the house often.

That strikes me as an especially telling remark.  It's not as if Hikaru is
notable for hidden depths; she's all surface, out there in plain sight.
Misako could hardly help knowing Hikaru.  Why would she think she
didn't?

"But there's on 
more person I need to thank."

  Misako felt Madoka's eyes upon her and looked up. "My sister doesn't know 
that she's responsible for this.  She took care of me when our parents 
couldn't.  She brought me up when our parents' absence brought me down.  I'm 
not saying our parents let us down.  They did what they thought was best.  
 

That, too, is a remarkably impolitic comment for this setting.

Misako was always caring for and entertaining me.  Without her, I'd never 
have been successful.  We all know how much Kyosuke changed me,

Madoka might conceivably think that persuading her to stop smoking justifies
this remark, but why would anyone else think so?  What, for instance, 
does Misako
read into this remark?  From her viewpoint as given herein, Kyosuke 
changed nothing.

but when I 
needed to change, it was my sister I looked to for an example.  So, I raise 
this glass and propose the toast not only to my engagement with Kasuga 
Kyosuke, but to my sister who I will remain close with.

"who I will remain close with" is awkward and also strikes me as another 
impoliteness,
as it might suggest condescension.
Suggest something simpler:  "but to my dearest sister.  Sis, I love you, 
now and always."

 She taught me much. 
 I'm not sure she doesn't have more to teach."  She raised her glass. "To 
my engagement and my sister!"  Misako rose her glass mumbling the toast 
incoherently as tears streaked her face. Maybe being Madoka's shadow wasn't 
such a bad thing, Misako thought.  Everybody has to have one.
 

Not bad as a sketch, but I think you could make it better, especially 
since you say she
will become important in your work later.  I suggest rewriting this as a 
series of flashbacks,
told from Misako's viewpoint.  This would show us (as opposed to telling 
us) why she feels
what she feels, which will make everything much more concrete and 
tangible, and might
also allow you to sharpen your own sense of what Misako is like.  As it 
is, my sense is of
a somewhat superficial person, whose petty resentments are ameliorated 
rather easily
when the time comes.

Hope all this helps.





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