Richard Robinson <richardrobinson@prodigy.net> wrote:

Galactus ws feeling a bit lonely, unusual for the multi-trillion year 
old being but true nonetheless. So he decided to visit his favorite 
stomping grounds, the only planet where he could visit  people he 
considered friends, namely Reed Richards and the Fantastic Four or if 
they were gone, Jarvis and the Avengers were always good company. Jarvis 
made a delicious tea.

Suggest you come up with a more plausible reason for the big G to show
up. It's been awhile since I've read Marvel, but this one seems pretty
ridiculous for Galactus -- unless this is the version of him from "What
The...?" :)  He's a cosmic being, for lack of God's sake. In the rather
unlikely event that he wanted company, why wouldn't he seek out someone
like the Watcher or the Stranger? And him appreciating good tea is just
silly. The guy eats entire *planets.*

It also doesn't help that you're only stating all of these things
without going into detail and actually describing Galactus' thoughts and
feelings. Showing is much more convincing than telling.

As he approached the planet, his ship automatically scanned it and 
reporting that there had been a huge flash of the type of energy that he 

and reported that

ate. Almost as much of it as he would find by consuming an inhabited planet.

There was another flash and still another, on the opposite side of the 
planet from where he usually landed. Somewhere in  China, he thought it 
was called.

Galactus being familiar with human place names also stretches credulity.

There was a huge lake filled with that strange energy humans called 
Magic and a couple of small ponds as well. Nearby a mountain exploded. 

The lake was filled with a couple of ponds? Suggest you reword that.

Also, don't capitalize "magic". It's not the name of something specific.

From the amount of energy, he absorbed whoever was generating this 

"absorbed" is probably not the word you want here, especially not
without a "that" following; it makes me picture someone being merged
into Galactus' body.

stuff was making more than he had ever experienced in one location.

Try to use a consistent and appropriate voice for the character whose
viewpoint you're using. Galactus would not use a slang word like
"stuff", so neither should you while you're writing from his POV.

He hadn't sensed this much life energy since his own universe had died 
and in dying had transformed him from Galan, Scientist, space traveler, 

Don't capitalize "scientist." It's not the name of a specific person or
group.

actor and gourmet chef to Galactus, third force in this universe and the 
person who prevented it from collapsing billions of years ago.

There was a scream, it wasn't quite vocal but was carried by the energy 

scream. It
(run-on sentence)

>from inside the mountain to this little pond. Galactus curiously stuck 

his hand into the water. At the same time a golden glow passed from  
inside the mountain to the pool.

So he's actually there? I thought he was just scanning remotely.

Almost instantly, Galactus understood what had happened as he changed 

>from being Galactus back to Galan and then into Akane Tendo. The power 

which had formed Galactus was shared, reforming both the newly 
reimbodied Akane and the soul of Galan as they merged into a single 

re-embodied

nearly immortal being.

Urk. You were doing really well as far as not rushing your story, until
this paragraph. Right at what is probably the most important action
sequence in the story, you've hit the fast forward button and launched
into summary mode. Slow down. Describe each action, dialog bit, or POV
character thought in the scene as they happen.

A teenage girl who understood enough about KI and 

Don't capitalize "ki". It's not the name of something specific. All caps
is okay for emphasis, but emphasis doesn't seem to be intended here.

Chi to recognize that that was what she needed to survive without having 

Don't capitalize "chi". It's not the name of something specific. (Aren't
"chi" and "ki" just different spellings of the same word, like "czar"
and "tsar"?)

eat planets and that her Fiancee could make enough to last her forever. 
As Galactus, she had never seen any race which could generate life 
energy like this, it explained so much about the Earth and it's inhabitants.

its
("it's" is a contraction for "it is" or something similar. Don't use the
apostrophe when you mean something that belongs to it.)

As Ranma and the others slowly and somberly came out of the mountain, 

Context, please. *What* others? If this is set at the end of vol. 38, we
need enough contextual information to know that.

She could draw a little  Ki ( well to Ranma, it would be only a little 
Ki. ) from him or his blasts and use that to sustain her . She had 
gotten so tired of killing and now she had someone she loved and who 
loved her. She had heard the scream before but now she understood it and 
echoed the sentiment.

What scream?

Later when he was asleep she would modify his body so he wouldn't age 
and could supply her with Ki forever.  She, Akane Galan Tendo would 
become  Ranma's wife and neither of them would have to be lonely again. 
The universe would never miss Galactus, as she could do his job without 
having to eat planets ever again.

She had gotten so tired of killing and now she had someone she loved and 
who loved her.

You're obviously going for a strong emotional ending, but at least for
me it doesn't work very well -- it comes off as forced and cloying. I
think a major reason is the lack of detail. Just summarizing the
characters' feelings in the abstract doesn't help us to get into their
heads and feel what they're feeling. Maybe with a lot more detail you
can make this whole thing seem a lot more believable.

If violence is not solving your
problems you're just not using enough of it.

Well, no amount of violence can help you write better. :)  But other
things can, and I wish you good luck in exploring them.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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