Subject: [FFML] Re: [Original][lime][The Darkstarr Chronicles] Chapter One: Jessie
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
Date: 2/25/2004, 11:32 AM
To: "LSMcGill" <lsmcgill@hotmail.com>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


LSMCG wrote:

The woman in the corner of the bar was easy to tell from the rest of the
crowd.  Even a glance would tell a stranger that she was out of place.
Between the uneasy glances of the other patrons, and the fact that she was
the only woman who wasn't serving drinks, her incongruity fairly screamed
"I
don't belong here."  The fact that she seemed to be enjoying her oddity
just
accentuated it.

Bit tell oriented, but not an entirely bad opening paragraph.


In appearance, she was dressed far more provocatively than even the
skimpily
clad waitresses, her semi-transparent top cut in a deep v that exposed her
generous cleavage, the wispy white material doing nothing to hide her full
breasts, instead highlighting them, and her pale skin.  Her skin tight
pants
were similarly translucent, a deep obsidian color that seemed opaque in
certain lights, nearly transparent in others.  The body so teasingly
revealed was well formed, curvy, yet muscular, with long legs accentuated
by
a pair of high stiletto heels that appeared to be made from crystal.  Long
chestnut hair framed a face with high cheekbones that highlighted her warm
brown eyes and full lips.  By all local standards, she was pretty, but the
well used pistol in her hip holster was ample warning not to take her for
a
playtoy despite the outfit.

Eh, a bit showy for my taste, unless she's an antagonist. But since the
title is her name, I doubt it.


And that, more than anything, was what set her apart, that aura of
dangerousness

'danger'

and competence.  The other patrons of the bar were all
military types,

'types' sounds vague. Change it

 whether in guard uniforms, or those of the local militia, a
mixing mostly of lower level troops and a few officers, but despite her
lack
of a uniform, the woman seemed far more dangerous than any of the
soldiers.

So the men's

Drop 'So'

 resentment wasn't just due to her being an outsider, an
intruder in their little safe haven of male exclusion.  No, it was due to
the fact that this _woman_, who to their way of thinking should have been
eager to be a man's play thing,

one word

 had instead proven to be capable of outdoing
their entire military machine.



Combat Specialist Jessie Landers had been the response to the planet's
plea
to the Imperial Mercenaries Guild.  The planet's trade routes had been
being
disrupted by a nest of pirates.  The local military had proven unable to
deal with the hit and run tactics and had been unable to find their
refuge.
After six months, the politicians had petitioned the Guild to send a
detachment.

awful dry 'tell' opening. I'd be more interested in seeing her in action as
a way of indtroducing her fighting prowess and then go with the exposition
as to 'why' she's there



That was when the planet had decided that since she had been only one
person, and a woman, that they would only pay the fee they had allocated
per
man for the hundred man squad they had requested.  Jessie had not been
pleased.  Replacement for the munitions she had used and the repairs to
her
ship wouldn't have even been covered, let alone reimburse her for her time
and skills.

The Guild had of course stepped in, and demanded payment in full, and the
planet's leaders had been in council for the last two weeks on how to deal
with the Guilds

Guilds'

and unless they are suicidal, they'll pay, since it would be her and others
coming to collect on a job they couldn't handle and she alone was


to skin despite being unattached to the rest of the outfit.  Her hair was
cut into a short pixie cut around her face, but was pulled back into a
crest
that fountained out in a cloud of neon green hair as vibrantly luminescent
as her clothes, and hung down nearly to her waist.  Her eyes were a deep
emerald, and her eye shadow and lip color were complimentary shades of
green
as well, all of it making a dramatic contrast with her pale peach skin.
But
her most striking feature was a pair of slim golden horns that arched up
from her temples in a graceful curve to end in sharp points nearly a foot
above her head.  Her only other clothing consisted of matched pairs of ear
and nipple rings and a clit ring,

Too overt. Reign it in a little. it's coming off slutty rather than sexy,
and I don't think you want to go for that image here.

 all of which supported long diamond
shaped
charms that reminded Jessie of throwing knives  These matched a belt of
dark
green joined discs that angled across her hips the opposite direction of
her
skinsheath.  Despite the fact that she stood as if she was wearing heels
as
high as Jessie's, her feet appeared to be bare, her carefully manicured
toenails tinted the same green as her long oval nails.  Jessie smiled,
noticing the glow from her hair and clothes chased any shadows away from
her, leaving every inch of her body revealed for scrutiny.  It was a nice
effect.

Break that up.



The name Draco rang bells in her head together with the horns, but she
still
couldn't place the reference.  However, the fact that the Mercenary Guild
had led Arika to her was somewhat reassuring.  The Guild would not have
given out the location of one of it's

its

members unless a verified contract had
been offered.  It was unusual that she would have been sought out by name,
but then the guild only had a few thousand solo operatives, all of which
had
at least some reputation somewhere.

drop 'some' and replace with 'a'

 >
"My employer believes that you can contact someone she needs for a very
important mission.  She informed me that you are the only person in the
local group who knows how to contact this person."

Cold gripped Jessie's insides in icy talons.  Dreading the certain answer,
she asked anyway.

"Who."

Who?



"Your owner is offering you to me in addition to the fee."

Arika nodded again.

Bait. She should be really wary, then



The Draconian nodded.  "Yes, Mistress.  I have the information for
Lombardi's mission, but was directed to only give it to you in private."

Once more the fantasies surged to the front of Jessie's mind at the
thought
of having Arika alone, but she fought them down.

This is excessive. Quite repeating yourself in stating Jessie is attracted
to her.


The ship was large for a fighter, a planetary bomber retrofitted with
living
quarters in the old ordinance bays, and numerous modifications to increase
it's speed, armor, and firepower.    While not quite as agile as a small
fighter, it's

its

 >
"Yes, Mistress."

"Then please turn it off?  I'd like to be able to think."

Almost immediately the desire to throw the girl on the bed and bury her
head
between her legs dropped to manageable  levels.

"My apologies, Mistress.  I merely sought to increase my appeal to you.  I
have reduced my pheromone output to minimum level."

"Those are some damn effective pheromones."

pheromones,



Arika nodded, and stood, pressing the disc on her hip.  Her skinsheath
vanished, revealing it had been entirely holographic, and obviously
generated by the belt, which then released and was set aside.  "Then may I
offer my mistress entertainment to while away the time?"

wile (I think)


Jessie leaned back to look at the ceiling, idly twirling Arika's curls
with
her fingers.  "Found something one day.  A big ruin under the ice.
Stumbled
across it by sheer happy accident.  When I made inquires into salvage
rights, all of a sudden, I had Darkstarr Industries breathing down my
neck.
When I refused to sell, they bought my company out from under me, and
tried
to force me to tell them where the ruins were.  That's why I faked my
death.
They can't get to the ruins without me, and I'll be damned if I'm just
going
to hand them over.  Sooner or later, they'll realize they're not going to
find the place without me.  That's probably why your creator wants me to
play bait.  I can get close to the target by dangling the location in
front
of him.  Then, while he thinks I'm taking them to the ruins, I simply
direct
him to the pickup point, and extraction gets made.  I disappear again as
Jessie, and no-one knows what happened."

Odds are the ruins will have a role to play in this then



Arika smiled.  "Very intriguing.  I do not have any information on the EOT
other than basic diplomatic protocols and cultural analysis.  Would it
surprise you to learn that Andromeda considers the EOT a

am

 honorless society
that reduces it's

its

 * * * * *

Jessie was surprised to find Rylar, the dragon who was the Guilds

Guild's

chief
instructor in aerial combat tactics

Describe him here. Might not be bad to give a brief description of the
hanger, though if they aren't there that long, that can be skipped.


"Please retrieve and hand over your personal weapons."  The


weapons," the

 Arika smiled and reached up to remove her ear, nipple, and clit rings,
handing the set to the marine to be placed inside the locker.  Rylar
finally
raised the cannon.

"I know you possess several more built in weapons that I cannot remove.
Be
warned, if you should attempt to use any of them, you will be executed

What, they don't have something they can rig to her to kill her if she does
something they don't like?


_My face.  My face and a different gender.  I'm a *he* now.  Have to get
used to it._

Hmm. Interesting detail.

Opens too slow. I recommend showing off Jessie/Jason's skills rather than
telling us them by having a fight between her and some irate local military
types to demonstrate her capablities. The nudity is too blunt and
distracting. I'd recommend cutting back on it as well. Could use more
descritpions here and there.  Interesting enough as an opening, I suppose.

DB Sommer



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