Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Let the Curtain Fall, chapter six (draft)
From: "Dave Menard" <>
Date: 2/12/2004, 9:20 PM
To: "Michael Noakes" <>, "ffml" <>

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Zorknot" <>
To: "Michael Noakes" <>; "ffml" <>
Sent: Thursday, February 12, 2004 8:09 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Let the Curtain Fall, chapter six (draft)

Great introduction, and the Akuji Ranma fight was
masterfully described, but I didn't appreciate the
DBZ-esque ending. And really there are only so many
times I can read about Ranma letting go and going all
out for real with everything he has and then getting
trounced only to get up and *really* let go this time.
It's sort of a "boy who cried wolf" thing.

The entire chapter after the intro was about Ranma's
battle, and while as I said, it was very well
described and I could really see what was going on and
things, there was too much of it. You break it up a
little by going back to Ranma laying in bedroom with
the mirrors, but that gets old pretty quick too. Maybe
if you cut to the other Tendos wondering what is
happening or maybe another character from one of the
organizations, that would be cool.

I'm being more negative than this deserves probably,
its just that you set it up so well in the beginning
and I was hoping for a resounding conclusion, but then
all I got was a "to be continued"

I was stuck myself on what to say about this chapter fragment, but I think
Zorknot articulated my feelings very well. It's not that it was badly done,
just that it was all combat, and very DBZ style, too. "I'll give it my all!"
<fizzle> "Oh? You're still standing? Very well, THIS time, I'll REALLY give
it my all!" <fizzle> "Egads! This guy's a monster! I must grind my teeth and
angst about it!" ~_^

I also think that you've held off too long on the payoff, plot-wise- you're
several years into the story, here (in real time) and we're only just
starting to find out what's going on? That's a little long to wait for
answers if you're a reader. If you were a faster writer (or had more free
time to devote to writing and releasing, anyway) delaying rvelations like
this might not be a bad thing, since the wait wouldn't be too tortuous, but
I've been reading and re-reading this story for about three years now, and
I'm starting to go squirrely. You've got my attention and my interest, now
hurry up and do something with it! :)

Sorry I couldn't be more positive, either, but to repeat, it wasn't BAD,
just a bit of a let-down thanks to the wait. I really have been enjoying
this story, I'd just like to see it get someplace. ~_^


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