Subject: [FFML] Re: [fic][Orig/AMG/SM/R.5)(T.O.A.DB2C7r1)Unintended Consequences
From: Zorknot
Date: 2/7/2004, 2:21 AM
To: LSMcGill <>, ffml <>


Nice chapter! Lot of things going on but most all of
it's good and you tie it up very nicely while still
leaving me wanting more. Kudos

Here are some things I caught:

She hadn't left her home the last several days,
trying >to come to grips with the encounter she had
had with >Hild, and wishing she wasn't stuck with this
damn >assignment.

This is a tiny bit vague. It could almost mean that
she hadn't been trying to come to grips etc AS WELL as
left her home. Consider: "She had stayed cloistered
inside for several days,..."

There had been no answer, but all her senses had
screamed at her at the residuals of power within.

This sentence isn't wrong, but it illustrates a
problem with this section. You're using the past
perfect a little too much. All the "had"s are a little
rough on the mental ear. Try it out to be sure, but I
think you can relax a bit and just use the normal past
for awhile  as long as you make the transition back
into the "present" clearly enough. 

It had taken her all of three seconds to pick the
door >with a credit card

I'm admittedly a little unfamiliar with all of Urd's
powers, but it seems like she could just magic the
door open if she wanted to. Also, something about a
goddess having a credit card throws me off. I'd
actually like to see her kick the door down after
sensing some danger or something. Not a big deal

What could have done this to a Demon First Class? 
She >looked around, sure whatever it had been was
gone, but >on edge.  If it could kill a demon...

I think the second sentence would work better
seperated into two, as in: "She looked around. She was
sure whatever it had been was gone, but she was still
on edge"

Also, about it killing a demon...Maybe this was
explained in previous chapters, but I thought that
Mara and Urd had a connection and that if Mara were to
die, Urd would die too to preserve the balance. If
that's still the case in this fic, then why would Urd
think that Mara was dead if she's still walking
around? Even if this was explained earlier, you might
consider mentioning it in text for those who may have

She started to move forward, then stopped at the
flare >from a magical circle on the floor.  The golden
glow >flared brightly for a second as a pair of
burning eyes >floated above the circle, seeming to
stare right >through her. 

Using "flare" and then "flared" almost directly
afterwards is kind of awkward. Consider:"...stopped at
the golden glow from a magical circle on the floor.
The circle flared brightly..."

Another groan drew her attention back to the bed, and
she cautiously tried to step forward again.

The image here is kind of stunted by the wording. I'd
either get rid of "cautiously" or maybe put more of a
concrete action in. Something like: " the bed,
and she tried to step forward again, cautiously
raising her foot and moving it through the barrier."

They had grown up together, and played together,
inseperable to the point many had thought they were
twins, but Urd's decision to become a goddess had
driven a wedge between them, one that had widened
over >the years as Mara had risen to become their

Instead of "their" at the end here, consider "her." I
understand you probably mean Urd and her family and
friends or something but since you don't introduce a
they earlier it's a little indistinct.

Urd had been confused by the change in her friend,
then resentful, but she'd never been able to bring
herself to hate her one time best friend, no matter
how angry she had gotten at the demoness disrupting
her life or trying to mess with Belldandy and

Missing something between "friend," and "then
resentful." Might be a copypaste error on my part
though... Also I think just using "Mara" would work
better than repeating friend a second time in this

Mara tossed again, and moaned slightly, then her eyes
fluttered open slightly.

You have a bad tendency to repeat words. Here it's
"slightly." I'd omit the second "slightly" and just
end the sentence on "open"

As Keiichi looked at Mara, he did a double take.

You using the term "did a double take" way too much in
this fic, especially in this section. There are three
instances of it in this section and another toward the
end of the fic. Consider using a different expression,
or perhaps spend more time on it and do something like

"Keiichi looked at Mara. She was the same demoness he
was familiar with, only now she was disturbingly
helpless, fevered sweat rolling down over the gold,
tear-shaped markings on her forehead. Keichi looked
away, not wanting to see the sight, but then snapped
his head back and studied Mara's face closer. GOLD

But Urd still did a double take at what she thought
she'd heard.  

Here using "double take" seems even less appropriate
because it concerns something that was heard, rather
than seen.

Her eyes rose to look into the violet eyes of a very
worried Amazon.

You use "eyes" twice in the same sentence here.
Consider "She shifted her gaze to look..."

"Akane is really happy with having a pet.  I don't
know how she'll take it finding out it's you.

Might consider omitting the "it" here, or putting a
comma after it.

"Because taking care of me and father was too
demanding to allow her the same kind of time and
dedication to martial arts she had previously. And
she >insisted on stability for the family, so she and
father could not live as wanderers anymore. 

First off, you capitalize the first letter of "father"
and "mother" when using them as proper nouns. You do
this earlier on but you forget here. Also the last
sentence is a comma splice. You need to either put an
"and" before the "so", make the comma a semicolon or
break it into two seperate sentences. The reason for
this is important in this case is that it almost seems
like Kasumi's saying that the reason her mother
insisted on stability was so she and Soun couldn't
live as wanderers instead of the other way around.

The school was fathers' job, but when mother died, he
just kind of fell apart.

fathers'->father's...and you're forgetting your
capitilization again. 

Shan Pu was giving her a horrified look.

Consider simply: "Shan Pu gave her..."

May be best to wait.  Akane want be family first. 
Shan Pu devoutly wish as well."

You do very well with Shampoo's dialect IMO, but here
it's a little difficult to make out what she means.
I'm not sure initially if she's saying she wants to be
part of Akane's family first or she wants to have a
family before conceiving a child like Akane. Might
work on this a little.

The Prince had done a good job of seeking unobtrusive
entry to Japan, having hired a private luxury yacht
last night to take him across to Japan.

You have Japan twice here. Might use "Land of the
Rising Sun" or something or name the port he enters or

The yacht's captain had had no choice but to try and
fence the metals, since had he tried to sell in under
normal channels, the PRC would have been sniffing
around trying to find out how he had come across such
a large cache of antique coinage.

"in under" is awkward. Might omit one word or the

Seeking to avoid the PRC had forced the captain to
contact Japanese "merchant", whose connections
reported directly to Tokyo.

Might consider "In order to" instead of "Seeking to"
here. Also an "a" before "Japanese" would be good.

It hadn't been, she'd just discovered she liked the
look, and had made Ayeka her first experiment, trying
to decide if she was going to have the entire squad
shave, but in the tall girls mind, it had been far
more significant, obviously.

You have a comma splice in the beginning here. You
need to separate into two sentences. "It hadn't been.
She'd just..." Otherwise it seems at first like you're
saying she'd just discovered it hadn't been and it
makes it confusing. Also "girls" should have an
apostrophe: "girl's"

Ayeka glared at the chestnut haired girl, her hands
rising into a strangulation grip as she almost
advanced on the kawaii brunette.

You tend to forget your hyphens in places. Like here
it should be "chestnut-haired". Not a big deal though;
so I won't mention it again. 

Ai fixed her with an icy glare that dissipated
Ayeka's >aura.  "You will wait until I say or I will
do >something far worse than punish you."

This is confusing. Whatever disciplinary action she
does to Ayeka because of her failure to wait would be
a punishment wouldn't it? How could any punishment be
worse than a punishment? There's just a bit of
equivocation here and maybe I'm the only one bothered
by it.

She tilted her head at the unmoving boy.  "Good luck
with the phobia, Ranma!"

"Gah!"  was the redhead's response.

If Ranma is a red-head currently, he wouldn't be a
boy.  I realize perhaps others think of him as a boy,
but it's simply too confusing. I keep thinking I
missed a dousing somewhere.

Ranma smiled as her fingers complied.

This is perhaps a little too subtle. Not sure though.

The she'd be able to tell the incredibly lovely
blonde >Senshi how much she worshipped her from
afar... and >Sailor Venus would...

The-> Then

"Curious, Ai moved in the direction indicated.

Delete quotation mark.

Tao-Ching watched as the yacht pulled up to the dock
at a slow pace and a lone figure jumped to the dock.

You use "dock" twice here. I think it's fine as just:
"...pulled up at a slow pace..."

The figure turned.  "You may as well show yourself

Comma after "yourself"

His last encounter with Herb had taught him the value
of not being seen until he was ready to strike.

In this picture, there are 47 people, none of whom can
be seen...(sorry I got Montypythonitus:-))

The figured reached up and lowered its hood,
revealing >Herb's face.


As for the chapter as a whole, I didn't care for the
cheerleader bath scene. It went on for way to long it
seemed and basically it seemed to amount to "Ayeka's
jealous and she has reason to be so." Other than the
sheer limeyness of lesbian girls in a bath, it kind of
drags a bit.

There is certainly more good than bad in the chapter
though. The AMG section was very interesting; the
conversation between Shampoo and Kasumi insightful,
even touching; The Ranma and Akane scene was nicely
waffy and did well to remind me about the mess with
the bunny curses, which I had completely forgotten
about, and went in a nice direction with the bunny
curse giving Akane a heightened sex drive. Similarly
Nabiki's scene with Kasumi was nicely disturbing.

By far, I'd say my favorite scene was the one where
Tao-Ching shot Herb. That was so unexpected and fresh.

I do think the implied rape in a later scene was
overkill. Call me crazy, but while I'm fine with Herb
getting killed, I don't want him getting raped. Also I
kind of wanted him to stay dead, and now I've got a
feeling he's going to break out again.

You really have a lot going on in this chapter. It's
like you're writing twelve fics at once but it's still
fairly easy to follow, and even without remembering
much of the previous chapters, I can understand what's
going on, which is, to me, an indication of excellent
writing skill.   

Thanks for posting this chapter, I hope I helped.

May you discover worlds in a grain of sand,


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