Subject: [FFML] Re: [fic][Orig/AMG/SM/R.5)(T.O.A.DB2C7r1)Unintended Consequences
From: "LSMcGill" <lsmcgill@hotmail.com>
Date: 2/7/2004, 3:18 PM
To: "Zorknot" <zorukonotsu@yahoo.com>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


Wai! C&C!!! Wai! Wai! (to paraphrase Mink)


It had taken her all of three seconds to pick the
door >with a credit card

I'm admittedly a little unfamiliar with all of Urd's
powers, but it seems like she could just magic the
door open if she wanted to. Also, something about a
goddess having a credit card throws me off. I'd
actually like to see her kick the door down after
sensing some danger or something. Not a big deal
though.

Actually, of all the goddesses, Urd would be the most likely to have a
credit card, mainly so she could overextend her credit with it (grin).
Seriously though, The Relief Goddess Office is organized enough that
Belldandy has business cards (per the manga) so Urd having a Goddess Express
Card (don't leave Heaven without it) is fairly logical.

As for magic, Urd specializes in potions more than chanted spells, and
magic, per canon, uses up a lot of energy.  This scene portrays two things.
That Urd has picked many locks this way, so it's a rote habit, and that the
apartment complex has really cheap locks.



Also, about it killing a demon...Maybe this was
explained in previous chapters, but I thought that
Mara and Urd had a connection and that if Mara were to
die, Urd would die too to preserve the balance. If
that's still the case in this fic, then why would Urd
think that Mara was dead if she's still walking
around? Even if this was explained earlier, you might
consider mentioning it in text for those who may have
forgotten.

I don't know if Urd's doublet has ever been expressly given as Mara.  Will
have to research.  However the doublet system relies on secrecy.  No-one
knows who their doublet it, which is why it's such a big deal when Velspur
finds out he's Bell's.  (still looking for the entire manga someplace, so I
can read the whole storyline.)

However, the fact that Urd and Mara were best friends in school is canon,
and that sort of connection can last for a lifetime, regardless of what
happens as adults.  And Mara's resentment that Urd chose to be a goddess
rather than stay with her as a demon is quite a bit of evidence towards the
take on Mara I'm writing... The heartbroken unrequited love who has never
quite given up on the hope that redeems her.



Mara tossed again, and moaned slightly, then her eyes
fluttered open slightly.

You have a bad tendency to repeat words. Here it's
"slightly." I'd omit the second "slightly" and just
end the sentence on "open"


Side effect of writing in half sentances between calls at work.  Same with
editing.  I'm not being able to sit and do it all at once, so I lose track
and miss stuff.




As Keiichi looked at Mara, he did a double take.

You using the term "did a double take" way too much in
this fic, especially in this section. There are three
instances of it in this section and another toward the
end of the fic. Consider using a different expression,
or perhaps spend more time on it and do something like


"Keiichi looked at Mara. She was the same demoness he
was familiar with, only now she was disturbingly
helpless, fevered sweat rolling down over the gold,
tear-shaped markings on her forehead. Keichi looked
away, not wanting to see the sight, but then snapped
his head back and studied Mara's face closer. GOLD
markings?"

Hummm.  I like that, but not quite my wording.  will fix.


Ai fixed her with an icy glare that dissipated
Ayeka's >aura.  "You will wait until I say or I will
do >something far worse than punish you."

This is confusing. Whatever disciplinary action she
does to Ayeka because of her failure to wait would be
a punishment wouldn't it? How could any punishment be
worse than a punishment? There's just a bit of
equivocation here and maybe I'm the only one bothered
by it.

Humm.  I would guess then that you've never experienced any S&M/B&D
aquaintances.

In this case Ai is the dom, and Ayeka a submissive.  As a submissive, Ayeka
is likely doing many things she knows will get her "punished" by her dom,
which is the whole point.  Ai is threating to stop playing the game, which
is a punishment worse than anything she might actually do as a "punishment"

If you've never dealt with a B&D relationship, I don't blame you for missing
the implications.  I, unfortunately, was stuck in one for far too long.





She tilted her head at the unmoving boy.  "Good luck
with the phobia, Ranma!"

"Gah!"  was the redhead's response.

If Ranma is a red-head currently, he wouldn't be a
boy.  I realize perhaps others think of him as a boy,
but it's simply too confusing. I keep thinking I
missed a dousing somewhere.

Heh.... I tend to agree, but I've also been criticised for switching genders
when he gets wet, which led to a lot of excess verbiage early in the story.
As he's been coming to grips with being female part time, I've been useing
the appropriate pronoun more... here I just missed one.




Ranma smiled as her fingers complied.

This is perhaps a little too subtle. Not sure though.

Hummm.... If I make it less subtle, I might have to go for a lemon rating ;
P



His last encounter with Herb had taught him the value
of not being seen until he was ready to strike.

In this picture, there are 47 people, none of whom can
be seen...(sorry I got Montypythonitus:-))

Which is exactly where I got it from, so join the club.





The figured reached up and lowered its hood,
revealing >Herb's face.

figured->figure

As for the chapter as a whole, I didn't care for the
cheerleader bath scene. It went on for way to long it
seemed and basically it seemed to amount to "Ayeka's
jealous and she has reason to be so." Other than the
sheer limeyness of lesbian girls in a bath, it kind of
drags a bit.


Humm.  It's here mainly to reintroduce the girls after a ten chapter hiatus.
They've not been seen since book one chapter five, and I'm giving them a bit
of character development before slinging them back into action nect chapter,
where the whole conversation here comes into play.



There is certainly more good than bad in the chapter
though. The AMG section was very interesting; the
conversation between Shampoo and Kasumi insightful,
even touching; The Ranma and Akane scene was nicely
waffy and did well to remind me about the mess with
the bunny curses, which I had completely forgotten
about, and went in a nice direction with the bunny
curse giving Akane a heightened sex drive. Similarly
Nabiki's scene with Kasumi was nicely disturbing.

Hummm.  Makes me wonder if anyone want's to see that one played out further.
Nabiki/Kasumi lemon, anyone?


By far, I'd say my favorite scene was the one where
Tao-Ching shot Herb. That was so unexpected and fresh.


I do think the implied rape in a later scene was
overkill. Call me crazy, but while I'm fine with Herb
getting killed, I don't want him getting raped. Also I
kind of wanted him to stay dead, and now I've got a
feeling he's going to break out again.

Humm... considering who found him... it was simply par for the course.
White slavery isn't nice, but it does exist.  And yes, _she'll_ be back...
with a twist.  (cue maniacal laughter)



You really have a lot going on in this chapter. It's
like you're writing twelve fics at once but it's still
fairly easy to follow, and even without remembering
much of the previous chapters, I can understand what's
going on, which is, to me, an indication of excellent
writing skill.

Thank you, the commentary was extremely helpful, and most people have no
idea how much juggling I do behind the scenes.  Nice to know it's seen
occasionally.

Thanks for posting this chapter, I hope I helped.

You're welcome, and yes.  The editing changes will hopefully be fixed next
release.

And thank you very much for reading and enjoying.

LSMcGill

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