Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma] Pagliacci 7, first draft
From: "David McMillan" <SkyeFire@aol.com>
Date: 2/7/2004, 2:54 PM
To: "Edward Becerra" <eabecerr@schollnet.com>
CC: "Fan Fiction Mailing List" <ffml@anifics.com>
Reply-to:
skyefire@aol.com




Edward Becerra wrote on 1/28/2004, 2:47 AM:

 > At 22:08 1/27/2004 -0500, David McMillan wrote:
 >
 >
 > >     There are some fics that just MUST be C&C'd.
 > >     And this is one of them.
 >
 >          Thank you, Dave. From my heart.

    <blush>  Aw, shucks.

 >
 >          Been to the Pentagon. Nerima wins.

    I'll take your word for it.

 > >  >       Rin came running down the stairs, her face white. Ran followed
 > >  > close behind, clutching her san jeh gwun (three link staff).
 > >
 > >     The parenthetical translation seems a tiny bit awkward.  But I
 > haven't
 > >got any constructive suggestions for a way to do it better, so feel free
 > >to ignore...
 >
 >          I'm not happy with it myself. Anyone else got a suggestion?

    Well, having had some more time to think about it, I've got one, though 
it's not entirely satisfactory.  Something like:
    ...clutching her san jeh gwun.  Her grip on the three-link staff was 
tight enough to turn her knuckles as white as her face....
    That's a way I've often seen it done.  OTOH, it conflicts a bit with 
your rather sparse narration style.
    As another option, you could just footnote[1] it and plant the 
translation in the afterword.
    'snot a really major issue, however you decide to go, IMO.

 > >  >       Seamus nodded. "Thank you. I'll take care of things. Sorry to
 > >  > bother you." He pulled his head back in. "Don't bother Master
 > >  > Splinter, Rin. Or his students. That goes for you too, Ran."
 > >
 > >     Splinter?  Waaaaait a second....
 >
 >          HEH! GOT'CHA!

    Well and truly gotten, I am.

 > >     So, are these the "manga" TMNTs, or the TV version?  It's been a
 > while,
 > >but IIRC the written version had Splinter start out as a rat, while the
 > >TV version started out as a human ninja master.
 >
 >          I'm going with the movie version, mostly, and a few bits of
 > the first cartoon series mixed in. (I'm eclectic, I am...)

    Eclectic?  How shocking!

 > >     Poor Seamus.  His pocketbook may never recover.  Gives a whole new
 > >meaning to "Japanese Pizza," though, don't it?
 > >     Ukyo must be *rolling* in cash before long, though.
 >
 >          Wait til you see the "Konatsu's busy, so Ucchan delivers" scene,
 > coming to a mailing list near you, Soon! Mwehehehe...

    Oooooooh, boy.

 > >  >       "Forgive me, McGyver-sensei. I am the Kunoichi Konatsu."
 > >
 > >     No family name?  Seems odd, given who polite and proper K always
 > is.
 >
 >          I talked to Gary and the others.. he seemingly has no last name.
 > Kenzan, the one most often used, isn't really a family name, but a title.
 > Perhaps I should use it anyway?

    Well, K is always so polite and proper, it just seems odd that he would 
not offer *something* beside his first name for a new acquaintance to 
call him by -- rather un-Japanese (then again, all I know about Japanese 
culture I've learned on the FFML, so take that as you will).
    Maybe there's some kind of ninja union rule allowing this kind of 
thing?  Or some kind of group or clan affiliation that one can give as a 
workable substitute for his last name, if he wishes to retain anonymity?

 > >  > continued. "Working for those tightwads? I'm not surprised,"
 > >  > he stated. "Never did understand why you returned to work for the
 > >  > Macadamia Nut."
 > >
 > >     Odd nickname.  Story behind it?
 >
 >          Kuno Senior, Hawaii-obsessed. Macadamia nut, originally from
 > Down Undah, currently grown in huge quantities on Hawaiian plantations.
 > Sort of says it all, if you're familiar with the snack food.

    Familiar with it, but not its background.
    And people say fan fiction isn't edumacational!

 > >  >       "Family honor, McGyver-san. That, and I did promise Mistress
 > >  > Kuno that I would do my best to care for her children." Sasuke shook
 > >  > his head sadly. "I fear I have failed her in that charge."
 > >
 > >     Depends -- how much worse would they be if he wasn't around?
 >
 >          He's holding himself to an unrealistically high standard.

    So many true professionals do.  Sometimes that seems like the only way 
things ever get done in this world.

 > >     "The others all sold out to Ninjaburger, and then got
 > transferred to
 > >Juuban after the local franchise got wrecked for the umpteenth time..."
 >
 >          That reminds me, I have to start setting the scene for the Ninja
 > Burger joke in chapter nine...

    Uh oh.

 > >  >       "Indeed," rasped the rat. "You have said that you bring
 > >  > greetings, and a warning. I have heard the greetings."
 > >
 > >     Seems a bit cold -- I always thought of Splinter as being more
 > genial.
 > >   But that's just me.
 >
 >          He is, he's just concerned. At the moment, he's in what he
 > considers
 > to be an imminent combat zone.

    I can see that.

 > >  > recruited from the street scum in America."
 > >
 > >     Oh, THAT'll make great raw material.
 >
 >          Hey, if you're training a hero (and some one is!), you need
 > plenty
 > of gunsels and mooks for him to practice on...

    I'm sure Shreddy will be overjoyed that he's fulfilling this vital need....

 > >  >       "He's trying to rebuild his faction of the Foot clan... in
 > >  > Nerima, Master Splinter!"
 > >
 > >     Oh.  One could almost feel sorry for poor Shredder....
 >
 >          To misquote Rebecca from "CHEERS", He is just TOO STUPID TO
 > LIVE! ^_^

    "When the evil Shredder attacks, this Wrecking Crew don't cut him no 
slack..."

 >          No. Oroku Saki is the Shredder. Tatsu is his burly, bald
 > second in
 > command who served as training sensei in the movies. Played by a famous
 > Japanese actor with a grim face that would make a slab of concrete feel
 > nervous.

    Ah.  Been too long since I watched the movies, it has.

 > >  > and to 'take control' of Nerima before he arrives."
 > >
 > >     I've seen French battle plans with better odds of survival...
 >
 >          I've seen the Three Stooges with better battle plans,
 > actually...

    Oooh, that was *cold.*  Love it!

 > >  >       "You're suggesting that we deliberately point the most violent
 > >  > members of the Nerima Wrecking Crew at Saki?" wondered Sasuke
 > slowly.
 > >  > "That's so... so... so hideously appropriate."
 > >
 > >     MemberS?  Plural?  So far, they've only mentioned one.  Unless he's
 > >including Ukyou in that category, which doesn't seem right to me.  Then
 > >again, I need to get up to speed on the previous chapters.
 >
 >          He's also warning Ucchan, and she's no slouch herself. Also,
 > Konatsu will fight the Devil himself to keep her safe.

    I gotcha.  It was simply that, in the preceeding dialogue, only Kuno 
and Ukyou had been mentioned, so it seemed (to me) as if Sasuke was 
referring back to them by saying "memberS."

 >          I'm military, even if it doesn't always show. Our need
 > for backup plans, and backup plans TO the backup plans is almost
 > pathological.

    Heck, I'm just in automation/robotics, and my need for backups, safety 
nets, interlocks, and triple-failsafes is *completely* pathological!

 > >  >       The two ninja from Nerima were now staring at Seamus with wide
 > >  > eyes.
 > >  >
 > >  >       "Truly, Seamus, you are a MASTER at this. You should have been
 > >  > a ninja yourself," said Sasuke, shaking his head slowly.
 > >
 > >     Or on "Mission: Impossible."
 >
 >
 >          Oh, shame on you.. didn't you catch his last name? Seamus
 > _McGyver_. ^_^

    Soooo, he has a relative named Angus, who works for the Phoenix 
Foundation, and carries a SAK?

 > >     Sug:  middle Tendo *daughter.*
 >
 >          Hmm.. I thought that was implied, but perhaps you're right.

    Six of one, half a dozen of t'other.

 > >     Good idea.  If all the women stop wearing underwear, Happi would
 > >eventually have to go somewhere else.
 > >     Of course, things *would* get drafty in the meantime....
 >
 >          Geeze! (And I thought Happosai was filthy minded...)

    <mock offended>  I'm not trying to be filthy, just thinking outside the 
box(ers)...


 > >     Kasumi, on a roll, can be intimidating, like a sweet-natured
 > glacier.
 >
 >          Yeah, you can push her around until you're right where she
 > wants you.
 > Heh.

    "Every decision made sense by itself at the time.  It's only looking 
back on the overall pattern where I discover that I was never in control 
in the first place..."

 > >     All three Tendo girls, united behind one cause... Damn.  You
 > could take
 > >over the world with that family, if you could just get them all pointed
 > >in the same direction at one time.
 >
 >          Scary thought, man, SCARY thought... make the bad thought go
 > AWAY,
 > Mommy!

    <evil_laugh.wav>

 > >     Hmmmm...
 > >     Hey, wait!  Does Kenko know that Fred is moonlighting for you?  (:)
 >
 >          His idea, actually. With his permission, too. ^_^

    That Fred sure gets around.
    "Hey, don't knock it.  I need the money the extra cameos bring in."

 > >  >       It didn't work when HE wanted to find someone, mind you, which
 > >  > Ryouga found damned irritating. But when someone else was desperate
 > >  > to stay away from him, the curse just seemed to kick into overdrive.
 > >
 > >     Oh HOoooooo.
 >
 >          I'm hoping others will pick up this idea, as I intend to release
 > it into the fanfiction wild. I honestly think it's something that really
 > WORKS with the canon story.

    It fits, it really does.

 > >  >       "NORTON! PREPARE TO DIE!"
 > >  >
 > >  >       Didn't have _quite_ the same ring as his usual battle cry,
 > >  > thought Ryouga, but it did have a certain pleasant sound all its
 > own.
 > >
 > >     Ranma:  <sniffle>  "He... he's found somebody else!  HE'S DUMPED
 > >MEEEEE!!!   Waaaaah!"
 >
 >          *snort*
 >
 >          This is NOT going to be a yaoi story. No way. Nuh-uh. Nope.

    No yaoi intended.  Just that Ranma can't stand being at the center of 
everything.  Being supplanted as Ryoga's Arch-Nemesis is ego-bruising...

 > >     April, I assume?  Dunno who the guy is, though.
 >
 >          Second movie. Her intern/cameraman who turned out to be a
 > spy for the Foot.

    Again, need to re-watch the movies.

 > >     "You're not acting naturally.  Try harder!"
 >
 >          *snicker* I'll have to use that somewhere..

    Glad to be of service.

 > >     "Moaning softly"??  You're writing this, but a hit like THAT
 > would seem
 > >to warrant a more extreme reaction.  Like, face chalk-white, eyes
 > >bulging out, near-silent strangling noises due to pain too severe to
 > >breath... that kind of thing.
 >
 >          He's hurting so bad, he's passed beyond pain. Trust me, that's
 > HAPPENED to me.

    Me too.

 > >     Heh.  Ed, your UF influences are showing again.
 >
 >          What? Where? I thought I tucked that into my pants...

    And you accused *me* of having the filthy mind?  (:)

 > >  >       "Yes there was, Akane. I dunno know what. I dunno know WHY.
 > But
 > >  > I know I had to hit him now to get it out of the way. And I'll do it
 > >  > a lot. It's fate."
 > >
 > >     Someone needs to have Ranma read "MacBeth."
 >
 >          Somewhere in Juuban, there's a priest saying that it's
 > "..most ominous."

    I was particularly thinking of the whole "self-fulfilling prophecy" 
thing that seems to be The Scottish Play's overarching theme.

 > >  >       "Oh, yes! That silly little man who said he was King of the
 > Moth
 > >  > People? Or was it the Butterfly People?"

    Or a cameo by The Tick and Arthur.  They'd fit right in, in Nerima.

 > >  >       "Don't remember. B'sides, he looked more like the Shobijin,
 > >  > anyway. But he sure got a lesson when he tried to kidnap Kasumi for
 > >  > his bride."
 > >
 > >     Lemme guess -- Akane kicked his butt for grabbing the wrong Tendo?
 > >     Must've been a nice change of pace for Kasumi, though.
 >
 >          Nah, he simply assumed that a Japanese housewife with a frying
 > pan in her hands wasn't dangerous. He's since changed his mind.

    "Oh my!  I'm so very sorry for cracking your skull, Kidnapper-San, but 
if I let you abduct me right now, dinner would burn."

 > >  >       "Thanks, boys! Here, have a panty. My treat!" Happosai tossed
 > >  > each of them a pair of cheap rayon panties. (He'd already drained
 > >  > them dry, but hey, it was the thought that counted, right?) Both
 > >  > workers reluctantly accepted the gift - it's never a good idea to
 > >  > insult a Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School - and found other
 > >  > places that they needed to be at the moment. Places where Master
 > >  > Happosai _wasn't_
 > >
 > >     Happi... tipping.  Oy.
 >
 >          Hey, he's a good guy in his own eyes. We all are. We're all the
 > hero in our own story.

    Yeah.  But it's more *how* he tips.  Totally in-character, and sincere, 
and yet still the kind of tip you'd really rather not have....

 > >  >       Two figures departed the train. One, female. One, male. The
 > >  > male, a staggeringly handsome example of the breed, knelt and began
 > >  > to kiss the cement of the station's platform. "I was inside the
 > >  > train! THANK you sensei, for letting me be inside the train!"
 > >
 > >     Maybe "ride inside"?
 >
 >          Nope. Trust me, when you see the side story to this that Kenko's
 > currently writing, you'll understand WHY this word choice. ^_^

    I'm feeling an odd mix of fear and anticipation, here...




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