Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C][Original][lime][The Darkstarr Chronicles]Chapter Three: Dragons
From: "LSMcGill" <lsmcgill@hotmail.com>
Date: 2/1/2004, 4:32 AM
To: "Roehl Sybing" <indef@infinitedeferral.com>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>



"Shouldn't be.  Arika is aboard my ship.  She's been tinkering with
everything the last week.  It seems you were correct that whatever that
thing was, it was limiting her in some ways.  She's turned into a
techie,
and has been a lot more curious about everything.  She's got a direct
link
to the ships computer and has been downloading enormous amounts of data,
whatever strikes her fancy.  It's like I all of a sudden have a kid on
my
hands."

I think you are better off describing this than have Jason say it and have
the reader take his word for it.

Yes, per previous c&c, I'm going to be adding a section of Jason's musing
and reactions to the six days to the start of this chapter, so we will be
seeing Arika acting this way rather than reading about it.





"What exactly happened to you?  During the assassination attempt?  I've
scoured the net, and while I do have some news articles on an "accident"
aboard your previous yacht that resulted in the destruction of a
spaceport
in a small nuclear blast, nothing concrete that even mentions you being
injured."

A tad too much information is being given in this piece of dialogue and a
few others in this chapter (i.e. "aboard your previous yacht that resulted
in..." <-- this is more magazine article speak than spoken word).  Whoever
are the people responsible for series like Flame of Recca and Rurouni
Kenshin make this same mistake over and over and over, and I cringe each
and
every time.  Straczynski did the same thing in Babylon 5.  It is
information
dump, and it makes dialogue seem unnatural and forced.

Point taken.  will try to smooth it out.

Jason laughed.  "No.  Nice outfit.  Not one I'd wear, but that's mainly
because I always found clit rings to be far too distracting when I
walked."

I'm just going to remark this last line.  There's nothing constructive I
can
say that won't get anyone uppity, except that even in a lime or lemon fic,
this is pretty awkward writing.

Humm.... depends on the society of the speaker.  Jason/Jessie is from a
culture where clit rings, etc. are as commonplace as earrings.  This is an
offhanded observation illustrating that Jason's forgetting he's changed back
to male and is commenting as Jessie, rather than a sexual reference.  Can
see if I can reword it somewhat.  Per other c&c I do need to illustrate
Jason's flip flopping back and forth between body images for awhile.




The attack came without warning in the middle of the night.

I'm gonna need more of a buildup than that if the next words that
immediately follow are:

Jason was still finishing his preparations with Lombardi Enterprises,

Instead of a bang followed by a thud, reverse the two.  What is Jason
doing?
What are Ruby and Angel doing?  Now what's going on?

good point.



In overall size and form, she was unchanged, but a pair of dragon-like
wings
and a spaded tail had sprouted from her back, and hooves had appeared on
her
feet.  A pair of short horns poked up through the silver headpiece that
had
appeared on her head, contrasting to the large, slim, ram's horns that
spiraled on either side of the helm.  Her hair was pulled back into a
high
crest through a black cone on the helmet, long spikes projecting from
the
dead black riser.  The helmet turned into a liquid appearing drape that
hung
down her neck to a wide pair of shoulder plates, flared into a a series
of
curved blades that almost seemed to jeopardize her wings.  A pair of
silver
gauntlets covered her lower arms, the jet black elbow guards sporting a
ring
of spikes, and a double belt, made of the same black metal and also
bearing
spikes, curved around her hips and connected to a loose loincloth like
affair made of chain mail, also of the black metal, that hung almost to
her
feet, though the top began more than halfway down her thighs.  Added to
this
already vicious looking outfit was a pair of large nipple rings, the
golden
hoops spiked in the same manner as her belt, and matching a set of
smaller
ear rings.  From a smaller loop inside the larger ones, long chains
supported large ruby spheres almost an inch in diameter, matching an
only
slightly smaller one that hung from between her legs.  Her lower legs
also
were covered, like her arms, in the liquid silver with jet black knee
guards
topped with long curved horns.

Good.  A very thorough description.

Thank you.  I helps being an artist and having a picture I'm working from.




Ruby smiled.  "Alright now, you girls have really PISSED ME OFF!!!"

I am loathe to point out punctuation errors in detail because it is
ultimately the writer's responsibility to figure it out for him/herself.
However, I don't know if you are aware of it, so: no more than one
exclamation point in a sentence is necessary.  The caps and at least one
of
those exclamation points draws sufficient attention.

No, please feel to point out where you feel needed.  I'm still in Ranma
mode, where the extra puncution is styled after the manga.


Alright then...the rest is fine.  The story is good and the plot is sound,
BUT...there are a lot of punctuation errors and spelling mistakes that
just
wick away at the quality of the fic.  If you would like me to point them
out
in detail, feel free to drop me a line, but I'm going to leave that
particular choice up to you.

If I don't have them caught by draft two, please feel free.  I do try to
edit, but I'm a fast reader, and alot of times small stuff just wizzes by.

LSMcGill

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