At 10:53 PM 9/25/2003 +0000, Zelgadis Greywood wrote:

Slayers
The Wedding Of Miss Lulu
By ZelgadisGreywood@chez-vrolet.net
Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers. I couldn't afford Lina.

The food bills ALONE...

Kidding aside, while the setup itself isn't too improbable - for Slayers, 
anyway - a little more description of how Lina, Gourry, and Amelia seem to 
be herding the unhappy 'miss Lulu' along on threat of violence at the 
begginning might be good, so that there is at least a few seconds where the 
reader has to wonder if it's really meant to be a rescue or the kidnaping 
it turns out to be.

Instead of saying 'some unknown chemical' use 'pungent chemical', chemical 
Zelgadis didn't recognise,' or something similar - obviously the kidnapper 
knows, even if Zel doesn't

You should name the kidnapper, at least, possibly his mother.

Zel wouldn't give up just because he can't cast spells, he's damn strong 
and highly intelligent as well. You should show a couple more of his escape 
attempts, at least trying to trick his way out if he figures the manor is 
probably reinforced to withstand chimera strength.

You should show something that explains how a normal looking human can 
'use' a chimera untill their body gives out. I mean, Zel is made out of 
*stone* and they say he looks weak compared to previous chimerae, unless 
this kidnapper dude is the Slayers world evil Superman that seems unlikely.

I would reccomend ending the story proper with Amelia and Zel heading into 
the sunset in a wagon with streamers and a 'just married' sign, with Lina 
and Gourry waving, when the drugs wear off a bit and they hear him say, 
"... wait, what was that?" and Amelia replies something along the lines of, 
"You married me, silly! Oh, we're going to make each other so HAPPY, 
anata!" to which Lina and Gourry sweatdrop and shrug. The other scenes can 
be insertes as epilogues, but I'd reccomend at least straightening them out 
chronologically, instead of having one as a flashback, and better still 
turning each into a similar length episode.

For that matter, I guess this must be later on from the series' themselves 
if Amelia is tall enough to wear the dress Zelgadis got stuck in - all to 
the good, since she looks twelve or fourteen onscreen.

Also, even if he decided not to use it, I don't see Zelgadis destroying the 
cure - what if his son turned out to not want to be a chimera, because the 
other kids picked on him for being different? What if he met another 
chimera who desperately wanted to be cured? What if the people of Sailoon 
won't accept their princess marrying a 'monster?'

Finally, a biology note - a normal human mother would probably have some 
considerable difficulty carrying a chimera baby as you suggest, just 
because of the weight. A normal human child is enough to give back pain and 
sore ankles, a mostly stone and copper one (laying aside the question of 
blood chemistry compatibility) would be so heavy a small person like Amelia 
might have trouble just standing without magical assistance. This can 
probably be ignored in the name of comedy, but is at least something to 
consider. For that matter, a chimera/human child might be the target of 
kidnap attempts in its own right, since there seems to be a sizeable 
faction of the mages' guild that are interested in chimera research. (Arg, 
the Evil lobe of my brain just pictured Slayers in a variant Pokemon 
setting where the monsters are all various forms of chimera...)

- CD 


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