--
"This is the price of freedom: Your last pint of blood, ounce of pain, drop of courage. Paid in advance."
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Date: Tue, 25 Nov 2003 12:18:24 -0600
From: Thermopyle
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Subject: [FFML] Re: [Sailor Moon] [AU] Alternate Views 02
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On 24 Nov 2003 at 23:37, Alan wrote:
Okay, here's another chapter. Not entirely happy with this one, but I =
can't, at this moment, figure out what that is. So here you are.
Hm. I've got a few ideas as for what's wrong with this. I'll put
them at the bottom, though.
Sailor Moon does not belong to me. I only wish I owned it. The =
characters(in their original forms) are the property of Takeuchi Naoko =
and many other people who are not me.
You should state which Sailor Moon universe you are using here.
"You won't take me like my sisters, Sailor Moon!" it screamed,
spikes launching off of its back into the air behind and above it.
Unclear sentence. It could be read as the sisters having taken the
youma at some point. Kinky, I suppose... ^_^;
"Oh, you're a brave one," she retorted. "The last few couldn't
even work up the courage to say my name."
The youma merely snarled in response, continuing its shambling
run toward the alley way.
"You really aren't going to spoil my fun and get away like the
last one," Sailor Moon snapped, the tiara spinning from her hand and
striking just below one of the youma's knees. There was a rasp as it cut
through the bone, and the youma screeched, losing its balance as one leg
was severed.
Repetitive "last" in the two lines of dialogue. The second tag and
sentence seems clumsy.
"Ordinarily," she said as she landed in the alleyway, I would
just kill you and be done with it. But I'm thinking I should have you
send a message to Jadeite." She stopped once she was looming over the
youma, who looked up at her with the first true beginnings of fear as it
met her eyes.
This youma must be stupid.
They were featureless blue. Almost lacking in pupils. As if the
person they belonged to were insane.
Choppy. Extremely so. And Usagi's personality here isn't even close
to touching insane--she's just The Typical American Comic Book Hero.
"I do hope you won't pass out on me too soon," she whispered,
the tiara lighting up in her hand as she bent down. "That takes all the
fun out of it." The muted light from the tiara illuminated Sailor Moon's
face as she drew closer and the youma tried to scuttle away before
screaming out as the glowing disc cut into its side.
Repeated tiara. The "before" in the last sentence is a little
confusing--especially because it occurs at the end of the line, which
causes the "before" to associate more strongly with the previous
words than with the following ones. It reads as "scuttle away before
something happens," kind of. In anticipation, it scuttled away.
This rather than the "before" simply being used to relate the
sequence of events.
"You have a rather inventive nature, Sailor Moon," Jadeite said,
appearing shortly after she was done, one eyebrow crooked at the broken
corpse of the youma that separated them.
Hm. Unclear. It's hard to tell whether the youma died instantly at
the end of the previous paragraph or if some time has passed and
Usagi continued torturing the youma until it died. Considering her
statement about wanting this to last a while, the latter seems more
likely, but you would be better off indicating directly which is the
case.
"What do you want, Jadeite?" she asked.
"I was thinking about offering you a job. My Queen would
certainly find a place for your talents."
Sailor Moon laughed.
Jadeite glowered at her. "It is an honor to have such an offer
placed before you."
I have trouble believing this. Why would he glower at her? Surely
he knows her well enough after four years to have anticipated such an
answer. The fact that she holds a grudge against the Dark Kingdom--
one he is quite aware of--makes it even harder to buy. I don't
believe his taking offense at her response at all.
"So be it," Jadeite sighed. "A shame, truly."
He didn't sigh the words. He said them and then sighed, or sighed
and then said them, or said some of them, sighed, and then said the
rest. But he didn't sigh the words. ^_^;
"I'm letting you walk away tonight, Jadeite," she told him,
turning her head slightly. "Show your face again and I'm going to kill
you."
Why? Need a bit of motivation here. Why is she letting him go?
"What?" she turned back to face him, but he was gone.
Why did she turn her back on him in the first place? Again, we're
missing something here.
"Tsukino-san, did you hear me?" a voice said as someone waved
their hand in front of the girl's face. Usagi blinked, then shook her
head.
Odd POV.
Usagi sighed. "I'm sorry, Mizuno-san. I got distracted. I won't
do it again."
Uh...there are lots of ways to be distracted. I hope that if a bus
suddenly slams into the wall and runs Ami and the other studiers
over, Usagi would be distracted. ^_^;
"Good," Ami tapped the book in front of Usagi. "Now, read this
chapter and then take the quiz at the end. I'm going to help the
others." She moved off, not sparing a backward glance, and began
chastising the other pair who were being tutored. The young man was a
fairly sensible type. A bit clumsy, it seemed, and often nervous around
other girls. The girl, who always arrived with him, and usually seemed
to wish she hadn't, was fairly nice as well. Though a bit intolerant of
her friend.
She didn't tap the words, she said them. Not unless she was using
morse code--which is perfectly possible for Ami, but I wouldn't
expect Usagi to understand the message.
For the Keitaro/Naru reference...kill it. It's a horrible thing to
include. It's the equivalent of an author's note in the middle of
the chapter, where the author jumps up and down and pronounces with
no small amount of pride that Sailor Moon isn't the ONLY series he
watches, oh, no!
"Calculus," she groaned, noting the book's subject matter. "Why
did it have to be calculus?" Sighing, she shifted in her seat and
settled down to work.
She should have noticed the subject before, I think. Improper
placement.
Exactly thirty minutes later, she put her pen down and
stretched. "All done!"
"Let's see," Ami said, smiling and looking over the answers.
"Tsukino-san."
Setting problem: Ami was last described as moving away, and the story
never specified that she had returned. Where is she in relation to
Usagi's location? Also, the looking over the answers thing doesn't
work well. Comparing them to an answer sheet might be more
appropriate. Otherwise, I would expect Ami to be going over each
problem to check the work and result, and there's not enough time
indicated here to make that apparent.
"Yes?"
"You got it right," she continued, smiling. "I think you're
ready for the exams now. But. You need to keep studying, nonetheless."
It? There was only one question?
"I will," Usagi said, smiling. "Thanks for helping me, Mizuno-
san."
Everybody is smiling. There are only two people. Speech tags aren't
necessary for every bit of dialogue--they only hinder the
interraction by forcing the reader to notice every unimportant
movement or expression. It's the narrative equivalent of having "Um,
ah," etc--words that come out naturally in speech as people think
about how to respond, but aren't used normally in story dialogue
because they are unnecessary and annoying. The same is true here.
"Yes, I have to go see my brother, and that's a bit of a trip,
so I'm leaving early." Usagi replied, the smile remaining fixed on her
face. "Thanks for all the help, Mizuno-san." She continued smiling as
she departed, leaving the blue-haired tutor frowning slightly, as if
something were not quite right that she was missing. Biting her lip, she
went back to the other two, who were arguing loudly and not getting all
that much accomplished.
Four smiles in a row, then a frown. Bleh.
early," Usagi replied.
The three o'clock train to Shinjuku was running late, which she
was glad of, as she herself had arrived late. She raced down the steps,
sparing only a second to run her card through the reader and pass
through the turnstile. Oddly, the waiting platform was all but deserted,
except for one tall male leaning against one of the pillars, presumably
waiting for the train like she was. She gave him a brief look, then
shrugged.
Why did she shrug?
Is Shinjuku a likely place for Shingo to be? I know they have lots
of porn shops and pimps and prostitutes there. ^_^;
"Um."
Usagi turned her head. "Yes?"
"Do you have the time?"
Uh. This doesn't work. These train stops all have clocks spaced
quite regularly to ensure that people can tell the current time--
along with that, the stops have normal signs with the daily train
schedule or digital signs with the time that upcoming trains will
arrive.
Mamoru can ask what time it is, but Usagi should react differently.
She should notice immediately that he's trying to pick her up (and
perhaps be annoyed that he's being obvious about it) or she should
come to some other conclusion about his reason for asking. A simple
desire to know the time just doesn't cut it.
She checked her watch. "Three-fifteen."
"I wonder what's keeping the train?" the male said, shoving off
of the pillar and glancing at her. He wasn't too bad looking, she
decided. Dark hair and piercing eyes.
the man said. I don't go around thinking of women as females, so I'm
just guessing here, but I don't expect women to go around thinking of
men as males. It's just odd.
"Not a clue," Usagi replied, leaning forward slightly to peer
down the tunnel.
"Chiba Mamoru," he said, sticking out a hand in greeting.
"Tsukino Usagi," she absently replied, ignoring the offered
hand.
I'm quite surprised that she doesn't lie.
"Where are you headed?" Mamoru asked, sticking his hand into his
jacket pocket.
Again, you're getting much too specific in describing little details
that are meaningless for the story.
"Places," Usagi answered curtly, frowning at him. "That aren't
here."
[Snip.]
"You're trying too hard, Chiba-san," the blonde replied
with a
snort.
Yes. He is. And this scene feels like you are trying too hard.
"Then, I have a chance?" he asked, eyes lighting up.
"No," she said, annoyance on her face. "I'm taken. Nor am I
inclined to associate with strange men who accost young women that are
clearly several years their junior in nearly abandoned subway terminals.
Which works out, because here's the train at last." She walked away
without a backward glance as the train came to a stop.
Again, I really can't see Usagi's transformation into this person.
Chiba Mamoru stood on the platform, watching the train start off
into the darkened tunnel before shaking his head. "Interesting."
Yeah. Why didn't he get on the train?
Tokyo General was never a place Usagi liked coming to. The
entire building seemed to radiate depression and gloom. She often
wondered if other people noticed this same fact also, or if it was just
her, caused by the reasons she was here for.
Is Tokyo General located in Shinjuku?
"He always is," Usagi said, slipping into the room without
another word and closing the door. The room only had one occupant; the
breeze from the open window blew across the bed and the still form lying
in it. Usagi looked at him for a moment, noting how he had grown from
the annoying little brother she had once argued with frequently. It
amazed her, every time, that how he looked now didn't match the memory
she had of the last time they had spoken.
Um. With Usagi in the room, the room has two occupants. Rephrase?
The sentence itself is poorly structured, anyway, I think--the
semicolon doesn't connect two logically connected sentences.
After four years, her primary memories of Shingo will have him like
this, not like he was before. It'd be easier to believe that she has
trouble remembering the former Shingo rather than the current one.
"I brought some flowers," she announced, walking over to the
bedside. "The ones I brought last time have started to wilt and I
figured you'd want some fresh ones." She emptied the drooping flowers
from the vase and filled it with fresh water before placing the new ones
in it.
Emptied the flowers into what? There's a sink in the room? Where
at? If you don't describe it, then I don't see it.
"Luna thinks..." she paused, her voice cracking slightly. "Luna
thinks I should tell Rei the truth. We've argued about that a lot
recently. I've refused and managed to get Luna to agree. But... I don't
know why this happened to us. But I think Rei should have a normal life.
If it was because of Luna finding me that day, and I tell Rei..."
I don't know if Usagi would be spilling all this out with no care for
who might be listening in. Sure, she would and does in the manga and
anime, but that's different.
She rose, going to the window. "I don't want to lose her,
Shingo. I think that's why I've kept this from her. I don't really
believe the same thing will happen to her that happened to us. I'm
afraid if she knows, she'll want to fight with me. And she'll get hurt."
her/her/hurt. Repetitive sounds on the dialogue endings.
"I haven't found it yet, Shingo," Usagi said, walking back to
the chair. "I'm going to keep looking, though. I will find it. And make
it pay."
This was initially confusing. I never previously got the impression
that she was on a quest to find that whatever it was in particular.
By the way, for the SM S creature: If it got loose somehow, then
either it must have been killed/captured in some way or it should
still be running around killing people. If the former, then why are
the S villains not present? If the latter, then Usagi should have
run into it by now.
A crowd was gathering outside the hospital as she emerged, eyes
still quite red.
The crowd's eyes were red?
"Did you see?" someone shouted. "It's Sailor V!"
Bleh. Unintentional rhyme, I think.
"Sailor V?" Usagi said aloud, frowning. Then the crowd parted.
Why would it part? Need a reason here.
Sailor V stood there, raising a hand for silence. Almost
immediately, the people surrounding her fell silent. "Thank you,
everyone. I can't stay long, but I thought I would give you all my
thanks for the support you've given me. With all of you backing me, I
can continue keeping our city safe from evil-doers."
Shouldn't there be physical clues to indicate a battle took place?
Damaged streets and walls or something to that effect? Why is Sailor
V here? If there was a battle, why didn't Usagi sense the youma?
"Show-off," Usagi snorted, glancing around for any sign of the
next bus. The gathering of people was eating up every word she said,
cheering loudly every time she made an announcement.
Eating up every world Usagi said? You need to be more careful of
managing your pronouns.
"But, unfortunately, I have been unsuccessful in apprehending
the thief who continues to rob jewelry stores in Tokyo," she was saying.
"This Tuxedo Kamen, as he calls himself, will be caught and his illegal
activities stopped. So says Sailor V!" The crowd cheered again, chanting
her name as she slipped through the crowd and departed. She passed right
by Usagi as she went, almost brushing against her, and then lept onto
the nearest roof, vanishing out of sight.
Repeated crowd. Leapt, not lept, I think.
A folded up piece of paper was in her left pocket, that hadn't
been there before.
"Please come to the parking garage roof at Tokyo General," she
read aloud. "Sailor V."
Hm. Okay. I guess that explains Sailor V's presence. Raises a
question, though--one that I'll ask in a minute.
Usagi looked at the note for a moment, then rolled her eyes,
putting it away. "Even her handwriting is ostentatious."
I'd rather have the handwriting described than simply be told that
it's ostentatious.
"I suppose I should see what she wants," she decided after a
moment. "But, just in case." She dug in her pants pocket, pulling out
her brooch and stuffed it in her jacket pocket, for easier access. That
done, she started back toward the hospital, whistling to herself.
pulled out her brooch, and stuffed it in her jacket pocket for easier
access.
"You took your time," Sailor V's voice said from behind her.
Usagi turned and glanced up. Sailor V stood on top of the elevator shed,
arms crossed as she regarded Usagi.
Usagi shrugged, then spoke. "If it was important, I figured you
would wait."
There's no indication that Usagi just walked around inside the
hospital for a few hours, or something of that sort. Why does this
"you took your time" bit come up? Doesn't really work without saying
that Usagi did something other than go immediately to the roof. Was
Usagi supposed to break out the jogging shoes?
"You don't like me, do you?" V asked.
"Is that what you called me up here for?" Usagi asked. "Because
if you're hoping to convert me into a member of your little fanclub,
you're wasting your time and mine."
Last sentence sounds awkward.
By the way, it'd be hilarious if Usagi was in Minako's fanclub,
wouldn't it? :)
Sailor V smiled, dropping off of the top of the elevator chamber
to stand before Usagi. "You're also the photojournalist who has been
removing evidence from the scenes of Tuxedo Kamen's crimes. That's
illegal, you know."
...?
I don't get it. We've only been shown once that Usagi has done that.
Maybe I missed it, but were there indications that Usagi had done so
before? It's a bit difficult to believe that Usagi just happened to
be closest to the crime scene more than once. Having Usagi be in
charge of taking pictures for this would work better--it would give
her a reason to repeatedly be at those scenes. As it is, her showing
up more than once is stretching things, as is the idea that she could
just walk off with stuff all the time.
Also, we need motivation for her to have stolen stuff from more than
one crime scene. After Usagi stole a rose once and Rei was unable to
do anything with it, why would Usagi keep trying the same thing? The
end of the theft scene indicated that Usagi knew somebody who could
help her figure out what the Gentleman Bandit was up to--that clashes
with Rei's already checking some unknown number of roses and failing.
For the question raised that I mentioned earlier--there's no reason
given for how Sailor V would know about Usagi's stealing stuff. I
looked back at the scene in question and there wasn't a white cat
hanging around when Usagi ran off with the rose, so how did Sailor V
know?
Aaaand last--this scene indicates that Usagi knows the Gentleman
Bandit is Tuxedo Mask. Unless you meant for that, you need to change
V's dialogue to calling him the Gentleman Bandit. Either that or
Usagi has to pretend that she doesn't know what V is talking about.
"My parents are dead," Usagi told her, pressing the button for
the elevator. "If you're the protector of the city, then why the hell
weren't you there to stop that?"
....okay, that's lame. Really typical, and really lame. With Usagi
spouting this nonsense, she better not have failed to save anybody's
life over her four years of killing monsters.
"Youma." the word came out a hiss, as Usagi stiffened for a
moment, then began scanning the surrounding area, alert for any sign of
the creature. Her search turned up nothing.
The word came out a hiss as Usagi...
"Moon Tiara Action!"
The youma jumped, nimbly avoiding the spinning golden disc.
"Sailor Moon."
Would this Sailor Moon announce her attacks?
"Youma." Sailor Moon retorted, catching her tiara as it
returned. "Stronger than the rest, are you?"
Soft stop, not hard. "Youma,"
It didn't reply, instead firing an energy blast at her that
sliced off the top of the streetlight as she jumped clear. She landed
behind it, quickly wrapping her arms around it.
Repetitive it.
"Worried about your precious citizens, are you?" it sneered as
it pitched free on the roof, quickly regaining its feet.
Awkward.
"Now you can die!" it screamed, raising its hands to fire off
another energy blast. It stumbled back without attacking, clutching at
one arm and tearing away something that had struck it. A rose rested
there, embedded stem first.
...?
If the youma tore away the rose, how could it still be embedded in
the youma's arm?
"I don't need help," she snapped. "Yours or anyone elses!"
else's. Possesive, not plural.
"Pardon me," the youma hissed. "But we were fighting!"
"Oh, shut up," Sailor Moon snapped, kicking it away as it
charged her. "I'm talking here."
Again, extremely cliche and uninspired. I've seen this a million
times and it never fails to entertain. Gee, wow, golly, the heros
get distracted while the villain gets all mad at being ignored.
Really--it's been done, and all it does is make this Sailor Moon even
harder to buy.
"You aren't going to blame this on me," he retorted. "I'm not
the one ranting and screaming."
...I'm still not sure why Mamoru bothered to show up. If they no
longer have the connection they did in the original--the one that
makes him transform when Usagi is danger--then why is he here? Is he
following Usagi around? He seems to know who she really is. If
that's the case, then he should have seen enough to know not to
interfere. If he's just looking for another jewelery store to rob,
then that should probably be indicated somehow. Tuxedo Kamen can't
have been fighting youma for long--not without running into Usagi at
some point, anyway.
If they do have the connection, then why didn't he show up earlier?
"Great," Sailor Moon said, throwing up her arms. "Can we just
invite the entire city of Tokyo and have a party?"
"You should control your emotions," she said, landing on the
roof so that the youma was between them. "Anger serves the enemy."
She? Unclear pronouns!
"Yeah, yeah, and leads to the dark side. I know." Sailor Moon
cut her off. "Save the speeches. Cape-boy here is your gentleman
bandit."
...okay. I'm now firmly convinced that this is American Moon.
Gentleman Bandit should be capitalized, by the way.
Sailor V looked at her for a moment, then at Tuxedo Kamen, who
shrugged. "Maybe you'd better let me handle this thing."
Who said it?
"Can one of you just kill me now?" the youma groaned, starting
to move slightly.
This wasn't funny.
"Run. You're free. Spread your wings and fly. Whatever. Just
go." she told it.
Soft stop, not hard.
"Stupid," she said, grabbing her tiara and launching it after
the fleeing youma. "Just like the rest of them."
Well, she obviously doesn't need to announce her attack. Why did she
earlier?
"Seeing as how I'm supposed to be a myth, according to you, I
don't think I'm going to care about your opinion." Sailor Moon replied.
"Now, unless you two would like to continue this little party, I'm going
now." She leapt to the next roof and took off, not looking back.
She's being rather obvious about her real identity, isn't she?
Tuxedo Kamen stood on the roof for a moment, then laughed. "I
can tell this town isn't going to be boring."
...he's been here for years, hasn't he? Wouldn't he have figured it
out earlier?
Unfortunately, the leaves did not seem to want to cooperate with
the sense of peace surrounding the shrine. In fact, they outright fought
her. She would sweep them up and put the broom away, only to turn around
and find them right back as they were. Eventually, it became a game. She
did her best to clean them up, and they did their best to make a mess.
It didn't bother her too much. Her grandfather's assistant,
Yuuichiro, would usually take care of them on those days that she was
unable to. They never seemed to harass him the way they did her, though.
"You have been sweeping that same spot for the past hour,
granddaughter," her grandfather's voice murmured, intruding on her
thoughts.
Um. This doesn't work. The first of those paragraphs indicates that
she's been actively fighting the leaves. That doesn't go along with
her grandfather's statement that she has been sweeping the same spot
for an hour--there'd be no leaves there to sweep.
"I suppose I'm just distracted, jii-san," she replied.
Expression of surprise here, perhaps? If she wasn't paying
attention...
He waggled a finger at her. "I would be a poor wiseman if I
could not discern the cause of my granddaughter's melancholy. Whenever
you start sweeping this spot, it is because of something related to
Tsukino-san."
...that same spot? Every time?
"I don't know," she admitted. "I've tried probing the fire for
answers about what it might be and just the future in general, but I get
nothing."
I'd drop the 'future in general' bit.
"Then trust that. Everything else will work it out as long as
you believe." he told her, smiling faintly.
Soft stop, not hard.
"I... thank you, jii-san," Rei bowed, then went to return the
broom to its shed.
Action, not a dialogue tag.
"Like she was attacking the first one she found," he mused out
loud, considering that. It was a possibility he had considered before,
but never found much use out of it. She still didn't give him anything
more to work with than the fact that she had a personal grudge against
the Dark Kingdom for some reason. He'd used that, on several occasions.
Even once managing to bait her into a trap.
He'd used that on several occasions. Stylistic, but it flows better,
I think.
It had backfired in his face and he'd found himself at her
mercy. Or lack thereof. The Queen had not been pleased that he had
nearly been killed and for a time, all had trembled in fear of her rage.
He had recovered, and expected that she would punish him for his defeat.
Surprisingly, she did not. Instead she ordered him to continue, his
efforts had pleased her.
killed, and, for a time, all had...
Last sentence sounds like a POV switch.
Still pondering, he began to descend toward the temple, a
moment's thought causing his clothes to change from his uniform to
something more suitable to the region. His hair darkened at the same
time, and lengthened somewhat. By the time he landed beside a tree
adorned with prayer strips, he looked nothing like a General of the Dark
Kingdom.
general.
"You will," Jadeite said, reaching out to overwhelm the other
man's mind. It was not an easy task, for the old man's will was strong,
but Jadeite had perfected making others obey and it was over quickly.
Awkward.
"Her choice does not bring shame to me," the elder man said.
"And even if it did, it is her choice, I respect that."
her choice. I respect that.
OR
her choice, and I respect that.
"An admirable sentiment," Jadeite said. Foolish old man. "Will I
get the opportunity to meet your granddaughter?"
Why would he think this foolish? Also, if Jadeite has been here
before, I would expect that he already knows Rei and her grandfather,
at least. Dunno about Yuuichiro. In the anime, Rei was suspicious
of Jadeite, so that could be a cause for concern. In the manga,
Jadeite only ran off with busloads of people in front of the shrine
and never interracted with Rei or her grandfather, I think. I don't
know how this is handled in the LA series.
"I look forward to it," Jadeite said, smiling as the old man
began harassing Yuuichiro about some meaningless detail that he had
overlooked.
Be specific. What detail?
"This is Usagi!" the answering machine beeped. "I'm not here
right now. So, leave a message and I'll eventually get back to you when
I hear it. Bye!"
Awkward.
Rei stood there for a moment after the beep. "Usagi. We should
talk. I'm going to be at Osa-p's food court to meet someone about the
festival next week, so if you get this in time, come find me there." She
hung up, then dialed Usagi's cell phone and left the same message.
Osa-p or Osa-P?
"Yes?" Rei turned her head as she spoke, eyes widening slightly
at the tall woman standing near her. She was positive this woman hadn't
been there a moment before. She was easily taller than Rei. Long hair
cascaded down her back, partially held in a bun at the top rear of her
head. Her hair was also green. Though, with just a glance it looked
black. She was dressed efficiently, in a lavender business outfit and
skirt.
Last three sentences don't flow well.
"Meiou Setsuna," she introduced herself with a small bow. "I
believe we have much to talk about."
"Meiou Setsuna," the woman introduced herself with a bow. "She"
doesn't work well.
The coffee had grown cold as Rei stared at it. They had arrived
at a small coffee house that had recently opened. And Meiou Setsuna had
begun to talk. Something about her had prevented Rei from asking
questions. She had simply sat there and listened as the woman told her
things she should have had no way of knowing.
Recently opened? For the day, or the business was just started?
Finally, she grew quiet and lifted her mug, taking a drink as
she watched Rei. "I suppose you have questions, now?"
"Why are you telling me this now?" Rei asked, seizing on the
first thing that came to mind as she tried to process it all. "I've
known Usagi for almost four years. Why now?"
Repeated 'now'.
"About you? Yes." Setsuna answered after a moment. "The others.
She may suspect on at least one, but only that one."
If it's Ami, then she doesn't suspect Sailor V?
"Perhaps I can see the future," Setsuna responded, arching one
eyebrow, rising from her seat. "It was pleasant speaking with you, Hino-
san."
Okay, if Setsuna is manipulating things, then I can guess that that
is how Sailor V knows about Usagi. Setsuna's having told Tuxedo
Kamen doesn't seem right, though, considering the way he has
interracted with Sailor Moon--he's much too clumsy and uninformed.
Actually, I would expect that Sailor V would know why Usagi might
hate her, if Setsuna had told V about Usagi's past, so V's asking the
question is also odd.
Usagi leaned against the side of the building, taking a deep
breath and then shook her head. Her anger had faded once she had put
some distance between herself and those others, but she could still feel
it, waiting for the opportunity to boil out again. She stepped away from
the wall and fished her cellphone from her pocket, noting that there was
a message waiting.
taking a deep breath, and then shook her head.
Um. There should be two messages, unless Setsuna turned back time
somehow instead of manipulating Rei's memory in some fashion. If she
did turn back time, well, I haven't gotten that far in the manga
scripts yet, but I've seen a number of people talking about Setsuna's
time control abilities, and between that and fics, I'm pretty sure
that stopping time, at least, kills Setsuna. I would expect
reversing time to do the same. I'll have to read more of those
scripts...
"Hrm. Probably Luna wanting to know where I am," she muttered,
closing it and stuffing it back in her pocket. "I'll check it later."
She started walking down the street, not noticing the fact that she was
being watched.
Um. She would not notice that she was being watched, not not notice
the FACT that she is being watched. A fact isn't something that
could be noticed--just evidence of that fact. ^_^;
Rei sat the bags on the counter in the kitchen, wondering where
her grandfather and Yuuichiro were as she began to put the groceries
away. That task was finished in relatively short order, and she tucked
the bags away into a bin.
kitchen and wondered where...
"If that's true," he said. "Then why am I his apprentice?"
"Grandfather is old," Rei retorted, backing up. Something about
him set her senses screaming. "He isn't always thinking clearly."
"Well, we agree on that, at least," Jei said, amused by
something.
What is Jadeite referring to?
Jei was standing in her path, smirking slightly. "Oh, I think
not." He took a half-step forward, his index finger tapping her once on
the forehead and she slumped, unconscious before she could do anything
more than gasp.
forehead, and she slumped...
She floated, a dark, featureless void surrounding her. It seemed
to go on forever, forcing her to break off her study or risk madness.
She could feel herself, could see as she said the her that was in
control now said those horrible things to Usagi. Made her cry. That had
surprised the her that was forced to watch. Usagi never cried where she
could be seen. She saw herself turn away from Usagi, mocking her tears
with more harsh words. Saw Usagi try to get through to her. Saw herself
slap Usagi viciously, calling her a worthless sentimental fool.
'as she said the her that was in control now said'...doesn't make
sense. Confused "her"s in this paragraph.
Unbidden, the words of... someone she had spoken to recently
swam to the surface of her thoughts. "Wishing for your unpleasant urges
to go away will not solve the problem of their existences for you. You
must face those parts of yourself that you do not like and come to terms
with them if you ever want to be who you were meant to be."
their existence. "their existences" would mean multiple existences
for each of the subjects (unpleasent urges, in this case).
Her hand closed around the red and gold stick possessively,
causing light so bright she had to close her eyes to flare up. Words
came to mind, demanding to be spoken. She raised the stick above her
head.
"she had to close her eyes to flare up" makes it sound as though
closing her eyes made something flare up. Sentence should be
restructured.
Fire obliterated everything. The void crumbled, the other her
tearing asunder before the inferno. It wreathed around her, through her,
then calmed.
Wreathed? Writhed, maybe? Wreathed makes me think of those things
you put on people's doors for Christmas. ^_^;
"I'm waiting, you know?" he taunted, then smiled. "But first, I
suppose I should give you the same advantage you have given me. After
all, you have taken off your make-up, so to speak. I suppose it is only
fair I do the same." Fire flared up around him and the facade was gone.
He stood in his true form, short blonde hair crowning his features as he
watched her. He wore, as always, a functional uniform in grey, a set of
epaulets on his chest denoting his rank.
If this is from Rei's POV, why the comment on what Jadeite always
wears? If they haven't met before, she wouldn't know.
"I am Jadeite, General of the Dark Kingdom," he bowed slightly.
"And you are? As if I really need to ask."
"I am Sailor Mars," the reply came back quick as lightning.
"Sailor Mars, is it?" his expression shifted slightly, as if
remembering something. "Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of
irony."
If he didn't need to ask, then why the reaction?
Jadeite simply put out his hand and the attack vanished before
it reached him. "That was pointless. Let me show you how such an attack
is done properly." Fire roared from his outstretched hand at her, too
fast to avoid and she was flung back, landing in a heap.
properly done." seems to work better.
avoid, and she was flung back...
"I'm...not hurt?" she frowned, looking at herself. A few scorch
marks, that she could see. Most of the damage appeared to have come from
being thrown to the ground.
marks that she could see.
"A child could have fended off that attack," Jadeite told her,
his voice conversational as he watched her. "And you claim to be the
Senshi of Fire?"
Um. Which one--her attack, or his?
He was mocking her. She couldn't believe it. He was mocking HER.
"FIRE SOUL!"
...? Why the reaction to being mocked?
"Shut up!" she shouted, starting to move again. He couldn't be
unbeatable. She had beaten him. Nearly killed him even. Rei would not
let herself give up without at least finding a way to take that mocking
sneer from his face.
You should make this sense of inferiority clearer. Using "she" there
to indicate Usagi doesn't work because the most obvious "she" here is
Rei, not Usagi.
"Fire..." she began, a thought occuring to her.
"Again?" Jadeite shook his head. "Haven't you realised it won't
work?" He put out his hand to block a third strike.
That never came.
"What..." he blinked, then started to turn, realising what she
was planning.
"Soul!" the phrase finished, flame roaring from her hands to
smash against his as he twisted, trying to block.
I didn't get this at all. He put out his hand to block the attack,
then turned because she was going to attack from a different
direction? How did she change directions? The flame still came from
her hands.
"She won't have to." a voice both knew well said, clearly
audible over the crackling flames. Sailor Moon stood at the top of the
steps, rage clear on her face.
Soft stop, not hard.
"And the Queen shows herself at last," Jadeite murmured,
mimicking words she had used to him not long ago. He shoved against the
fire, sending Sailor Mars sprawling. She was incidental now.
Queen? He knows Usagi's true identity?
"You are the only one worthy to fight me." was his only reply.
"Now, let us begin..." He stopped short, head tilting, as if listening
to something only he could hear.
Soft stop, not hard.
"Here." she held out a hand.
Again.
End chapter 2
Hm. Okay. Again, you use an absurd amount of dialogue tags and
other indicators to show who is speaking. It's rather ridiculous and
makes the character interractions exagerrated and comical. You
really, really need to cut back on that as much as possible.
For the scene with Rei attacking Usagi...that didn't work for me.
For one thing, the scene ended up feeling as though Jadeite was just
trying to wake Rei up to her Sailor Mars state. Otherwise, why would
the other Rei's target be Usagi? Jadeite would have to have a reason
for attacking Usagi there, and none is indicated--there's no sign
that he knows Sailor Moon's civilian identity. For another thing,
the scene was confusing--it was hard to tell at first whether Rei was
just seeing those things or whether they were supposed to be
happening as she watched.
The main problem I had with the scene, though, is that it was
emotionally weak. It would be far better to break after Jadeite
knocks Rei out, then have Usagi show up and Rei attack her as the
scene indicated. That'd produce a lot more emotion and conflict than
some boring summarized bit of nonsense. Rei seems to be a huge focus
of Usagi's life, and so this scene could really be painful for her.
Why not include it? Suffering is GOOD! :)
The entire Rei scene at the end is rather suspect. There's no
indication that Jadeite actually had an energy-gathering scheme
going, so all that happens is a repeat of the anime/manga awakening
of Sailor Mars. You need to establish a real motivation for
Jadeite's actions.
The thing with Ami is also suspect. If Usagi's personality has
changed this much, then you need to indicate what kind of approach
she now has towards education. Having Usagi be tutored makes me
think that the situation hasn't changed at all, even though it
certainly has. The tutoring provides a reason for Usagi to know Ami,
but it doesn't back that up by providing a new motivation for her to
study. She's got her dream job already--why is she wanting to attend
college? You need to make these things clear to properly establish
Usagi's character--what her goals are, how she is going about
achieving them, etc. I really can't see this Usagi being concerned
about education--or, if she is, I can't see her taking it lightly
enough that she needs tutoring. American Usagi is obsessed and
driven--she'd either drop school (it's certainly not necessary at
this point) or be serious about that, too, I think.
The conflict with Jadeite didn't move forward at all here, and so
that feels kind of filler-ish. You give hints that something will
happen soon, but that's it. There's nothing WRONG with that, really,
but if this chapter isn't about the conflict with Jadeite, then you
could probably jack up the conflict with Rei, instead. Making Rei's
awakening a much bigger deal would really make the chapter stronger,
I think.
The youmas and the meetings with Tuxedo Mask and Sailor V ended up
not feeling important to the chapter, and since you glossed over
Rei's awakening, the chapter on the whole seems kind of low on real
substance.
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