hkmiller wrote:

DB Sommer wrote:

I openly admit it's not my best work, nor even my best
shortfic, but every now and then I like taking on a challenge and try to
flex my mental muscle as it were. In any case, I'm not really as

satisfied

with it as I'd like to be, so if anyone can help with it, I'd like to

here.

As it stands, I've have to agree that it could stand improvement.
So, (rubs hands), let's get to work and see if I can help.

I think part of it might be that for what's essentially a spamfic, it takes
a while to get to the 'payoff' so to speak, and there aren't a whole lot of
laughs on the way to the setup. But I can't figure out how to shorten it
without setting the scene up properly and shortchanging the MTT characters.

Sae Sawanoguchi's face glowed with a joy so great it would have taken

even

her lifelong friend, Nanaka, aback. The reason for her effervescence was
simple. When Takakura-sempai and Aburatsubo had left for some sort

retreat

"some sort of retreat"  (btw, I like the 'effervescence')

Thanks. Seemed appropriate in Sae's case. Not like it can be used too often.

She'd attack every problem relentlessly until they were made perfect, no
matter how difficult they might be.

Did you consciously have Sae phrase it that way?  She wants to make
problems perfect?  I can see her saying that, but perhaps not
thinking it.

Actually, I should have called it a 'task' rather than 'problem.' I think
it'll sound fine now.

Nanaka rolled her eyes. "Cut me a break. He just wants us to do the hard
work and move everything while he loafs around at that retreat. I say we
forget him and ditch the club until he gets back, then he can break out

in a

sweat doing some of the heavy work."

Heh.  Typical Nanaka reaction.

Thanks. She does play the role of the reluctant particpant well.

Nanaka unleashed a sigh of defeat, one that held the weight of being
practiced on many occasions. "All right, Sae. Since you're my best

friend,

I'll help you out."

Like the first sentence here.  Nanaka's speech, however, strikes me as
not quite her somehow.  And she gave in a little too easily.  I think
something like:
  Nanaka put one finger to her chin and looked away.  "Oh?
  I thought you promised that we'd go shopping today.  No
  club meetings until Takakura's back, right?"

  Sae's eyes widened.  "I promised?  Oh, Nanaka, I'm sorry,
  can we go shopping later, then?  I really, really, really
  want to deliver to Sempai what he wants of us!"

  Nanaka unleashed her practiced sigh of defeat.  "All right, Sae.
  You win.  Let's get started."

Nanaka slapped her hand to her forehead. "Come on, Sae, that's a terrible
idea. You know how your magic goes out of control when you get too

excited

about it. We'd be better off waiting for the guys to get back in case we
need damage control."

This take surprised me a lot.  When in the series is this set?  Nanaka,
in particular, seems to understand fairly early on that Sae's magic
doesn't go "wild"; it does precisely whatever Sae is thinking about

I have forgotten about some of the finer details of the series, having not
watched it since the last tape was released. I'll rephrase it like so...

Nanaka slapped her hand to her forehead. "Come on, Sae, that's a terrible
idea. You know how your magic goes all over the place when you get excited.
We'd be better off waiting for the guys to get back in case we need damage
control."

(That addresses the fact Sae tends to have unanticipated consequences to her
actions.

(even if the rest of the club is trying to do something completely
different).  Or by "damage control" does Nanaka mean "conceal the
results of whatever you do so the whole world doesn't find out we're
here"?

And yes, that's what she means in the latter.

"I've practiced hard since our encounter with the aliens and when my

magic

took on a physical form. I'll do it right this time," Sae insisted,
determination etched on her features.

Ah, second time through I understand this line.  This is after the
end of the TV series.  Suggest "aliens and our trouble with Jinno",
just for any readers who may not have seen the TV series to the end.

Thank you. Couldn't remember the 'kid's name.

The sigh returned. "Since no matter what I say, you're going to try it
anyway, I'd better stick around and help you."

Again Nanaka talking like this.  I think I know what's
bothering me now.  This is what Nanaka does, yes; but
does she ever articulate what she does?  I think of her
as the type to never quite say what she means.  Suggest:

"No matter what I say, you're going to try it anyway,
aren't you?"  Nanaka sighed again, slumping her shoulders.
"Ok, ok, then let's get it over with."

I know what you mean, but here was my problem. I don't jump POV's in the
same scene like I used to, and this has to be from Sae's POV to set up the
idea of why she's blundering on ahead with the spell despite the fact it's
almost certainly not a good idea. However, we sort of need to see Nanaka's
mindset as to why she gives up, so it's vocalized rather than thought. I
don't want to expand what is essentially a one joke story, so I tried to
keep things as brief as possible (I actually cut a couple lines having Akane
casting a
spell to dispose of the dust in the altar room and commenting on her magic
still 'spinning' things, and a touch of Nanaka' still mooning over
Aburatsubo.) However, I think I will include what you recommended. It
doesn't pad things out and is a better way of going about it.

"What do you mean 'hentai look'?" Sae asked, mystified.

Heh.  Nice one; that captured Sae's naivite nicely.

I don't think Takakura can do wrong in her eyes. :)

"She's not going to want to do it. She'll have some excuse and run off,

like

she usually does," Nanaka warned.

A light, airy voice from behind said, "I'm here. When do we start moving
things?"

Heh.  However, this does kind of beg the question.  Why IS Akane
here?  Especially if there's physical work to be done (which
she would know in advance).

Well, I wanted her around. :) At least I have Nanaka admit she's breaking
character to be here. We'll just say she really wanted to hang around with
the only two girls that are friends to her.

Nanaka nearly jumped out of her skin. She turned to see the attractive,
disgustingly well built, --if somewhat vacuous-- white-haired Akane

standing

directly behind her. "How long have you been there?"

Wouldn't have thought Nanaka fooled by Akane's vacuous manner, though
certainly irritated that she puts it on or that anyone is fooled by it.
(Although this is a point on which the OAVs and TV series seem to
differ.  OAV Akane can be interpreted as vacuous; I don't think
TV Akane, the professional model, can be.)

My interpetation of her was that she is a touch flighty, but is smarter than
she appears. She recognizes Nanaka having the hots for Aburatsubo from as
early as the beach. Perhaps 'flighty' is a better adjective.

Nanaka's eyes bulged at the display. It was times like this where

Takakura

would show up, misinterpret things, then have some hentai fantasy about

it.

But the boy hadn't shown up. It was sort of weird, having it happen when

he

wasn't around. It was like something was missing.

Elsewhere, Takakura sneezed.  Turning to Aburutsubo, he remarked,
"Did you ever get that feeling that you really should be somewhere
else?  Urgently?"

Heh. And she is right, you know. :)

Akane pulled out a lighter and ignited the candles that were still in the

Akane still has the pen wand out.  Suggest she casts a spell to light
the candles instead.

Good suggestion. I think this stems from me not wanting to do wand magic
three times. But since I cut the 'dust devil' scene, what you said is no
longer overused.

Sae examined the large table closely. "It looks like someone spilled red
paint on it."

Heh.  One of those altars, ne?

It's the one from Bible Black. This is where the crossover elements take
place.

"Hmm. He wouldn't give us an impossible task They must be in here

Missing period in above.

got it.

"And there are plenty around here." Sae pointed to the various cobwebs
clinging to nearly every surface in the room. "I think that will work.

We'll

perform the ritual naked with our clothing on, and sacrifice a spider on

the

altar."

Heh.  I can see that spell's results are going to get interesting.

Yep. I couldn't have them do what happened in the original. I stretched
things with Nanaka's  facination with the newcomer's *ahem* attributes as it
is.

"Good, it's supposed to," the being stated. He began pacing back and

forth

in front of the altar, his voice taking on a lecturing tone. "This is so
typical of you teenagers today. Always doing things half-assed, not

taking

any pride in your work.

Heh.

The MTT group is nothing like the club from BB as far as to what they use
their magic for. :)

"I thought a demon would be more... red," Sae admitted.

Given that Sae _was_ involved in casting the spell, you could have the
demon appear pink.  Just have her think to herself, at the last
moment, that the dungeon is too dingy, and needs a bit more
color.

It's more Bible Black elements, since the demon's direct from one of the
episodes.
Since this is primarily MTT, I need to keep what little BB elements there
are. Besides, as with most classic 'black magic' the caster doesn't get to
be too specfic with exactly what she gets, as Miss Takashiro found out. :)

The demon sniffed disdainfully. "I'm not in the mood, and that's because

I'm

very insulted. I came here expecting to see a bunch of hot-looking naked
women with huge racks and lose morals, and instead I get a couple of

At that moment, Miyama Mizuhara, who'd been spying on the club,
walked in.  "So there's ONE person in this school who's an accurate
judge of character," she declared.

Heh. Problem is, the demon wouldn't want to leave if she showed up.

Akane waved happily at him, but remained where she was.

Heh.  See?  Smart, Akane is.

Yep. That was intentional on my part.

hot! We're talking tits out to here." He held his hands out from his

chest,

as though he was clutching a pair of invisible watermelons. "The redhead

was

the best of the lot,

Oh, he already knows Miyama.  ;)

Except for her not being a redhead. And I think Miyama was even bigger, even
as exaggerated as the characters in BB were. :)

[End Notes] That's that. And no, there's no chance of a Lovecraftian

sequal,

though the idea of Sae with a Cthulhu-plushie instead of her teddy bear

does

strike an amusing image in my mind.

Heh.  And THAT'S the result you'd get with Sae casting the spell, too!

Probably. It is sticking in my mind. I almost did a true spamfic with that
idea. Instead I incorporated it into this. It works better as an ending.

Anyway.  So let's see.  I agree the story needs something.  I think the
plot needs more.

Actually more would be bad, I think It's really a long spamfic rather than a
true shortfic. But I'll be
darned if I can figure out what to cut that doesn't add to the story in some
way. So I might have to live with it as is..

One suggestion would be to rewrite and have Takakura and Aburutsubo

present.

Have the whole thing actually be a plot by Takakura (he thinks the results
would be tamer than they would actually be, of course, but he would get
to see the girls naked), but it goes horribly wrong due to Sae's idle

whims

overruling the spell, as usual.  And I do think you need Miyama in this
one, somehow.

I almost had this drawn out, with the girls going over the book, stumbling
on the 'charm' spell, and helping out some of Miyama's friends who were
trying to get their boss a gift. Those that have seen BB would know the sort
of charm it is (which Sae and company didn't grasp). But it drew things out
too long, so it got axed.

 Let's see... Takakura wouldn't have mentioned "sex demon",

of course (even if he read the characters right himself); perhaps
"imp of affection"?  And, as the club casts the spell, Sae's imagination
wanders, imagining a cute, short imp.  So then a 10-inch-tall Christmas
elf (Barbie-ized, natch) with the personality of a sex demon appears?

And,

instead of leaving on his own, CAN'T leave without satisfying its charge?
Back upstairs, it latches onto Miyama at first sight, of course.  But
once inside her clothes, it's too quick to catch.  Might make the demon's
"charge" involve awakening lust in Sae, and have that turn out to be
near-impossible.

Heh. This would actually be a cute idea for drawing things out and making an
actual story, but what I wanted to write is more like a long spamfic than an
actual longer fic. If someone else wanted to go with the idea, they'd be
more than weclome to it.

Anyway:  I think you're right that the original idea, MTT meets BB, has
a lot of merit as a  comedy, rather the way your "Devil and Miss Mihoshi"
turned out in some respects.

That was more of an actual fic rather than spamficcish.

 But you're not realizing the potential,

and I think it's because the plot is too thin and you're using too few
characters.

Hope this helps.

It definitely has been. I used most of the things you mentioned and most of
the changes. It sharpened up the characters especially.


DB Sommer



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