DB Sommer wrote:

I openly admit it's not my best work, nor even my best
shortfic, but every now and then I like taking on a challenge and try to
flex my mental muscle as it were. In any case, I'm not really as satisfied
with it as I'd like to be, so if anyone can help with it, I'd like to here.
 

As it stands, I've have to agree that it could stand improvement.
So, (rubs hands), let's get to work and see if I can help.

Sae Sawanoguchi's face glowed with a joy so great it would have taken even
her lifelong friend, Nanaka, aback. The reason for her effervescence was
simple. When Takakura-sempai and Aburatsubo had left for some sort retreat
 

"some sort of retreat"  (btw, I like the 'effervescence')

She'd attack every problem relentlessly until they were made perfect, no
matter how difficult they might be.
 

Did you consciously have Sae phrase it that way?  She wants to make
problems perfect?  I can see her saying that, but perhaps not
thinking it.

Nanaka rolled her eyes. "Cut me a break. He just wants us to do the hard
work and move everything while he loafs around at that retreat. I say we
forget him and ditch the club until he gets back, then he can break out in a
sweat doing some of the heavy work."
 

Heh.  Typical Nanaka reaction.

Nanaka unleashed a sigh of defeat, one that held the weight of being
practiced on many occasions. "All right, Sae. Since you're my best friend,
I'll help you out."
 

Like the first sentence here.  Nanaka's speech, however, strikes me as
not quite her somehow.  And she gave in a little too easily.  I think
something like:
  Nanaka put one finger to her chin and looked away.  "Oh?
  I thought you promised that we'd go shopping today.  No
  club meetings until Takakura's back, right?"

  Sae's eyes widened.  "I promised?  Oh, Nanaka, I'm sorry,
  can we go shopping later, then?  I really, really, really
  want to deliver to Sempai what he wants of us!"

  Nanaka unleashed her practiced sigh of defeat.  "All right, Sae.
  You win.  Let's get started."

Nanaka slapped her hand to her forehead. "Come on, Sae, that's a terrible
idea. You know how your magic goes out of control when you get too excited
about it. We'd be better off waiting for the guys to get back in case we
need damage control."
 

This take surprised me a lot.  When in the series is this set?  Nanaka,
in particular, seems to understand fairly early on that Sae's magic
doesn't go "wild"; it does precisely whatever Sae is thinking about
(even if the rest of the club is trying to do something completely
different).  Or by "damage control" does Nanaka mean "conceal the
results of whatever you do so the whole world doesn't find out we're
here"?

"I've practiced hard since our encounter with the aliens and when my magic
took on a physical form. I'll do it right this time," Sae insisted,
determination etched on her features.
 

Ah, second time through I understand this line.  This is after the
end of the TV series.  Suggest "aliens and our trouble with Jinno",
just for any readers who may not have seen the TV series to the end.

The sigh returned. "Since no matter what I say, you're going to try it
anyway, I'd better stick around and help you."
 

Again Nanaka talking like this.  I think I know what's
bothering me now.  This is what Nanaka does, yes; but
does she ever articulate what she does?  I think of her
as the type to never quite say what she means.  Suggest:

"No matter what I say, you're going to try it anyway,
aren't you?"  Nanaka sighed again, slumping her shoulders.
"Ok, ok, then let's get it over with."

"What do you mean 'hentai look'?" Sae asked, mystified.
 

Heh.  Nice one; that captured Sae's naivite nicely.

"She's not going to want to do it. She'll have some excuse and run off, like
she usually does," Nanaka warned.

A light, airy voice from behind said, "I'm here. When do we start moving
things?"
 

Heh.  However, this does kind of beg the question.  Why IS Akane
here?  Especially if there's physical work to be done (which
she would know in advance).

Nanaka nearly jumped out of her skin. She turned to see the attractive,
disgustingly well built, --if somewhat vacuous-- white-haired Akane standing
directly behind her. "How long have you been there?"
 

Wouldn't have thought Nanaka fooled by Akane's vacuous manner, though
certainly irritated that she puts it on or that anyone is fooled by it.
(Although this is a point on which the OAVs and TV series seem to
differ.  OAV Akane can be interpreted as vacuous; I don't think
TV Akane, the professional model, can be.)

Nanaka's eyes bulged at the display. It was times like this where Takakura
would show up, misinterpret things, then have some hentai fantasy about it.
But the boy hadn't shown up. It was sort of weird, having it happen when he
wasn't around. It was like something was missing.
 

Elsewhere, Takakura sneezed.  Turning to Aburutsubo, he remarked,
"Did you ever get that feeling that you really should be somewhere
else?  Urgently?"

Akane pulled out a lighter and ignited the candles that were still in the
 

Akane still has the pen wand out.  Suggest she casts a spell to light
the candles instead.

Sae examined the large table closely. "It looks like someone spilled red
paint on it."
 

Heh.  One of those altars, ne?

"Hmm. He wouldn't give us an impossible task They must be in here
 

Missing period in above.

"And there are plenty around here." Sae pointed to the various cobwebs
clinging to nearly every surface in the room. "I think that will work. We'll
perform the ritual naked with our clothing on, and sacrifice a spider on the
altar."
 

Heh.  I can see that spell's results are going to get interesting.

"Good, it's supposed to," the being stated. He began pacing back and forth
in front of the altar, his voice taking on a lecturing tone. "This is so
typical of you teenagers today. Always doing things half-assed, not taking
any pride in your work.

Heh.

"I thought a demon would be more... red," Sae admitted.
 

Given that Sae _was_ involved in casting the spell, you could have the
demon appear pink.  Just have her think to herself, at the last
moment, that the dungeon is too dingy, and needs a bit more
color.

Nanaka cradled her sore hand. "You're not acting very sex demon-like. Aren't
you supposed to be ripping off our clothing and ravishing our bodies with
your inhuman-like girth, length, and stamina?"

The demon sniffed disdainfully. "I'm not in the mood, and that's because I'm
very insulted. I came here expecting to see a bunch of hot-looking naked
women with huge racks and lose morals, and instead I get a couple of
 

At that moment, Miyama Mizuhara, who'd been spying on the club,
walked in.  "So there's ONE person in this school who's an accurate
judge of character," she declared.

Akane waved happily at him, but remained where she was.
 

Heh.  See?  Smart, Akane is.

hot! We're talking tits out to here." He held his hands out from his chest,
as though he was clutching a pair of invisible watermelons. "The redhead was
the best of the lot, 
 

Oh, he already knows Miyama.  ;)

Akane looked over one of the pages. "It mentions something about performing
a ritual that can summon a Great Old One."

Sae clutched the book to her chest. "That sounds great. I bet you if he's
old, he'll have plenty of good advice to give us."

"And won't have a major attitude," Nanaka seconded.

All eagerness now, Sae asked Akane, "How do we go about summoning him?"

Akane began reading aloud, "First, we have to find a religious symbol
dedicated to someone named Dagon..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[End Notes] That's that. And no, there's no chance of a Lovecraftian sequal,
though the idea of Sae with a Cthulhu-plushie instead of her teddy bear does
strike an amusing image in my mind.
 

Heh.  And THAT'S the result you'd get with Sae casting the spell, too!

Anyway.  So let's see.  I agree the story needs something.  I think the
plot needs more.

One suggestion would be to rewrite and have Takakura and Aburutsubo present.
Have the whole thing actually be a plot by Takakura (he thinks the results
would be tamer than they would actually be, of course, but he would get
to see the girls naked), but it goes horribly wrong due to Sae's idle whims
overruling the spell, as usual.  And I do think you need Miyama in this
one, somehow.  Let's see... Takakura wouldn't have mentioned "sex demon",
of course (even if he read the characters right himself); perhaps
"imp of affection"?  And, as the club casts the spell, Sae's imagination
wanders, imagining a cute, short imp.  So then a 10-inch-tall Christmas
elf (Barbie-ized, natch) with the personality of a sex demon appears?  And,
instead of leaving on his own, CAN'T leave without satisfying its charge?
Back upstairs, it latches onto Miyama at first sight, of course.  But
once inside her clothes, it's too quick to catch.  Might make the demon's
"charge" involve awakening lust in Sae, and have that turn out to be
near-impossible.

Anyway:  I think you're right that the original idea, MTT meets BB, has
a lot of merit as a  comedy, rather the way your "Devil and Miss Mihoshi"
turned out in some respects.  But you're not realizing the potential,
and I think it's because the plot is too thin and you're using too few
characters.

Hope this helps.



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