Fermopile wrote:

Jaedite's inner thoughts don't work very well, in my opinion, with
respect to what has happened in the past.  The description of Usagi
crashing to the floor long ago in a clumsy mess makes it seem, to me,
as though he had run into her BEFORE the divergence point, in which
case some of the other Senshi would be awake.  This made me think that
they had been killed somehow early in their careers, although my
previous guess was that Usagi's family had been attacked and
slaughtered.

Not necessarily. Divergences can neuter a whole lot of branching paths. Look
at some of the AU Ranma fics out there...

I really don't buy Usagi's personality here.  She doesn't read as
though she's in pain.  She reads more as a witty, sarcastic superhero
out of a generic fanfic.  I don't see how she evolved from being Usagi
to being like this at all.  That's a big problem, since I like the
original Usagi.  I don't like this one.

It works, given the events described later in the chapter. My biggest
complaint is that her personality is directly ripped from Buffy the Vampire
Slayer.

Smiled is not a speech tag.  Neither is nodded.

It is if the author chooses it to be. It's a stylistic thing.

Mistakes of this type are fairly common and can be found
even in published works.  They are still mistakes.

Only in your opinion. Which is not the majority opinion.

I've only watched up to episode sixteen of Sailor Moon

Which hardly qualifies you as a reviewer of any related work of
fanfiction...

but I'm already quite sure that Beryl is not a patient woman.  Letting

Jaedite

run around on his own for years while suffering constant defeats at
the hands of Sailor Moon simply isn't believable.  She would either
have done the same thing she did in the anime--that freezing thing,
whatever it was--or she would have let her other generals go to work.
Years of patient waiting is something I just can't believe.

Well, he's generating a more or less steady supply of energy, even though
he's losing youma by the truckload, and he's only managed to get nearly
killed once, and only one Senshi has appeared to challenge him. It was a
combination of failures that led to Jadeite's fate originally...three
Senshi, a constant string of defeats, and very little net gain. In the
circumstances set forth by this fic, it's believable.

The plot progression isn't really believable.  Things developing the
way they are now, after years of Usagi being on her own like
this...well, I have trouble with that.  There doesn't seem to be any
reason for it.  Since I haven't seen Minako's introduction I can't say
whether her introduction at this point works, but it feels wrong to
me--it feels like she should have shown up ages earlier.

Actually, the plot progression IS believable, provided you have half an
ounce of common sense, reading comprehension, ability to form coherent
chains of logical thought...but I digress. At this point in this chapter of
this story, a scenario is being established, and the reader is being given a
set of circumstances that do not fit with established knowledge, with the
implied assurance that an explanation for how things came to be this way is
forthcoming.

It's no more and no less than any good story of this nature should do.

Usagi's saying that Minako is hot is only an omen of bad things to
come.

That much, at least, we are in agreement on.

This really doesn't feel like Usagi.  By this point I really want to
know how old Usagi is supposed to be.  The introduction for her job
made me think she was some kind of cop, too, which isn't good.

Direct quote from the story:

 "Tsukino-san?" a bright voice said. "We need you down at the Osa-P
center. There was a robbery last night. We need as many photos as
possible before the police cordon off the area. You're closest. So
hurry."

BEFORE THE *POLICE* cordon off, not before *WE* cordon off. You should pay
more attention to context.

As to the point about this not "feeling like Usagi"...it's not SUPPOSED to,
duh. Alternate universe, alternate personalities?

*snip gay rant*

So, quit with the gay people.  It's gay.

That ain't the only thing around here that's gay. :/

I don't get this.  Where did this scene come from?  Nothing triggered
Beryl's abrupt decision to cut Jaedite out of the youma loop.  It
doesn't make any sense.  The first scene should have had a "this is
your second-to-last chance" speech, then after that Jaedite should
have messed up and gotten trashed by Sailor Moon somehow, and THEN
this scene should take place.  As it is, I ended up feeling like there
was some big fight scene that I missed somehow.

This, I have to admit, has validity. That scene DID come out of nowhere, and
probably would have been better off being part of the first Jadeite/Beryl
scene instead of a separate entity like this.

 "Can't let the rain in," Rei said, voice held steady, with only the

faintest hint of worry. She turned to the cat as the latch clicked.
"Would you like some ice cream, Luna? I think I need some."

 Again, Luna nodded, saying nothing. Rei scooped the feline up and

together they went back into the main apartment to wait.

Lesbians everywhere....

Umm...let's see. Rei, Usagi, ... ... ...

Search concluded. 2 lesbian(s) found.

Yeah. "Everywhere".

This made no sense to me.  Why would Tuxedo Mask jump in and haul her
out like that?  His assumption here--that she's being attacked, or
something--makes no sense.  Especially not with the fact that they
have met each other prior to this scene, and so he should know that
she is quite capable of fighting on her own.

Where is it stated that they've met before? Just because she's collecting
the roses from his crime scenes doesn't mean she's ever MET him before. She
might not even have realised who she just beat the hell out of there. Also,
how does his assumption that she's being attacked make no sense? The youma
was about to throw a lightning blast at her, for fuck's sake.

And again, this feels absolutely nothing like Usagi.

Alternate universes, alternate personalities.

I'm wondering how they met and how their relationship developed like
this.

And it'll most likely be explained in a chapter or three, if you're
patient...

 "We'll see about that." Selene said darkly, turning to place a

single, chaste kiss on her companion's lips. "I'm going to go talk to
mother. Take care of yourself." With that, she slid off of the bed,
brushing her dress out and departed with a smile.

Gay people everywhere...

And they're the SAME TWO GAY PEOPLE THAT WERE ALREADY IN THIS FROM THE
GET-GO! **ITSU AMEIZHINGU!**

This isn't in the present--this is in the past!

Wrong again, Fermy. This is the past, as relived via a nightmare in the
present. Reading comprehension. Learn it, live it, love it.

 Also, this whole youma approach doesn't fit with the series.  Jaedite's

youmas >always went for massive crowds, which wouldn't be found in a
house-to-house

approach.  I haven't really gotten the impression that in this AU all
youmas rip up their victims, either--you need to go one way or the
other, I think, either they do or they don't.

You've just proven your ignorance and your invalidity as a reviewer of this
or any other Sailormoon story. :P

First of all, this isn't a youma.

If you'd seen any of Sailormoon S, you'd know what it was.

Now...granted, THOSE monsters didn't go for this sort of gory carnage
either, but it's implied--in context, and gleaned through *READING
COMPREHENSION*--that this daimon wasn't exactly...sane. And that it was
rather lost in a paroxysm of bloodlust.

Since when do youma physically kill their victims?  Again, I've only
seen up to ep sixteen, but the victims are always drained without
physical harm.  That is also true of at least the second half of the R
season, which I read the manga for.  I don't get this whole covered in
her parents' blood thing.

You don't get a whole lot of things, Fermy. And again, see above--this is
neither a youma, nor a monster behaving true to pattern. It's an obviously
out-of-control, bloodthirsty, insane daimon--the monsters from Sailormoon
S--that likely got away from its masters and ran amok.

 "I'm so sorry, Usagi..." the cat continued, almost crying as it

lunged forward, burying itself against her midsection."

 "Luna..." the girl said, her voice rough with disuse.

Where's her brother?

Doesn't say, does it? Though by INFERRING FROM CONTEXT, we can pretty much
guess that he's been placed in an asylum, probably for life.

I'd wager there'll probably be a scene in a future chapter which will
confirm or deny this--possibly Usagi visiting her brother in the asylum, or
whatever.

 Naru was screaming. The thing that had pretended to be her mother

loomed over her, one hand reaching out menacingly.

 There was a hiss. And a golden light streaked past Naru's cheek,

tearing into the creature above her. It screamed, the sound hideous as
it dissolved into nothing.

 Then he was there. Eyes cold as he regarded her for a moment. Then

he saluted once and vanished.

What?

Naru was attacked, Sailor Moon killed the youma, Jadeite saw the whole
thing, Jadeite bailed.

What was so hard to figure out about that?

I'm more interested in all this unrevealed backstory than I am in
what's happening now.

That's the sign of a good AU fic ^_^

This mystery character thing is annoying.

This mystery character isn't a mystery. :P

Hm.  Overall thoughts?  This isn't Usagi.  The way that Usagi ended up
here from her original state is quite unclear.

Unclear? Gee. She witnessed her parents' murder by a monster and her brother
losing his soul, and was turned into Sailor Moon about ten minutes too late
to prevent it. Her best friend was attacked by a monster, she's had a
constant stream of battles against the Dark Kingdom, she's on a personal
vengeance quest to find the monster that killed her parents...

You're right, there's absolutely nothing clear about that whatsoever.

 How Usagi ended up very dominant in her relationship with Luna isn't
indicated.

Does it need to be? Not really.

 How the whole lesbian thing with Rei showed up is never even mentioned.

But probably will be, later...since this IS only the first chapter...

The respectful relationship between Jaedite and Usagi that developed isn't
very clear.  The idea of all this waiting years to happen (by this
point all of the other SM enemies should have long since shown up,
too, which is a problem) is hard to go along with.

To address the former, it's clear if you pay attention to the context. To
address the latter...it's an AU fic. Nuff said.

I have to say that I'm not that interested in the way things are in
the story right now.  I'd much rather see how all of this
developed--Usagi's reaction to her parents' death (again, I don't
really think the character feels right for that) and all of the
consequences that follow.  That interests me.  I want to see all this
happening and I want to see it happening when Usagi is still fourteen
instead of years later when nothing makes sense.

Narrative through flashback is an effective and enjoyably suspenseful means
of storytelling, Fermy. Granted, it requires quite a bit of reading
comprehension skills and ability to infer from context on the part of the
reader.

By the way, Fermy, a bit of advice? It's not necessary to quote the entire
chapter when replying, especially if you're not addressing specific comments
to specific paragraphs. :P

--------------------------------------
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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