The door slid open. I stared.

  There was a bed in the corner, a dresser next to it, and a desk with a
computer on top. That's where any similarities to my sister's old room
ended....

I liked the written pause you gave this; I could really feel it.

And while the description of Skuld's room was good and thorough, there was
something slightly... off... about it.  Maybe it was just that there was
this torrent of verbiage after such a short paragraph, but it felt a little,
I don't know, thick?  Can't suggest anything to clean it up, though; and I
suppose it's appropriate that a cluttered paragraph be used to describe a
cluttered room.

Speaking of clutter, I'm surprised that Skuld's flyer is so clean and
elegant.  Usually she's got all manner of tubing and wiring surrounding her
machines, doesn't she?

  I finally tore my gaze away from the mess inside to look down at Skuld.
"Geez, you actually live in here? I mean, there's hardly any...." I
trailed off, noticing the dark circles under her eyes and the fuzzy gleam
of madness contained within them. "How much sleep have you had since I saw
you last?"

Skuld and Washuu... separated at birth?  *You* make the call.

  "Smeg, you're of a one-track mind sometimes, aren't you?" I said in
faint awe despite myself.

I know you're a Red Dwarf fan, Andrew, but goddess help you if Skuld figures
out what 'smeg' is short for.  I suppose it's obscure enough, though, and
any other expletive would probably be of a similar nature to one extent or
another.

  "Not worried about people seeing?"

  "Nah. I've had Banpei-kun out there before. No one seemed to notice,
even with the...mmm, never mind."

There's a story here that I think we'd like to hear someday...

  That was when it exploded, making the excursion fall short of being an
unqualified success.

  I immediately spun and grabbed her, catching the wide-eyed horror on her
face for just a moment. I flung myself and her to the ground, trying to
absorb the force of our impact with my forearms, while a sharp pain
bloomed in my right shoulder. I hissed in reaction, and then rolled to the
left. The pain got worse as I landed on my back, putting my weight (and
hers) on it, but I shoved that out of my mind as I rolled further away.
Must make sure Skuld is safe.

This time around, what looks like a crowded paragraph following a short one
seems to flow really well.  I don't know why, sorry.  This one reads really
fast, just like the activity it describes.  It works.

Hesitantly, she leaned forward slightly,
then her hand darted out to take the engine. I suddenly felt the twinge
again, and reached out as well, but--

So 'you' get that twinge *anytime* something might happen to Skuld, hm.
Even if she chooses to do something harmful herself (presumably knowing the
consequences full well)  Just wait till she learns how to ride a
(non-motorized) bike.  'You'll' go crazy.

"You okay now?"

  She looked at me mournfully. And then started to bawl.

  "I can't believe it blew up! I worked on it so long! It was perfect, it
had to be! Waaah!"

  Ohboy.

The part of Andrew Huang will be played by Scott Bakula.

  "Keiichi-san is working on a project with the motor club, and Urd is
elsewhere."

I might suggest a slight pause: "Urd is... elsewhere."  Of course, that
might suggest the Bell knows where her sister is, and just isn't telling,
rather than simply unconcerned.

  "We all make our mistakes," Belldandy admonished me gently. "Even me."

BELLDANDY:  Like right now, for instance, I'm being egotistical by implying
that I'm the most perfect of the three of us, and that's the sin of pride.

Belldandy shook her head in vague despair. "She's a growing girl; she
really shouldn't do this to herself."

Since sleep is Bell's regeneration mode, I expect she'd be more disapproving
than most.

She looked like an angel, except, of
course, I was the angel, and she was the goddess.

Heh.  Good line.

some folks around here might wonder why a girl of school age
clearly isn't in school on a weekday."

  She scratched her head. "That's never seemed to be a problem, actually."

Watch out, Droo-chan.  I think I felt the fourth wall wobble a bit.
Mentioning plot devices isn't always a safe thing.

  Way in the back of my mind, the creature called Overprotective Older
Brother woke up, and his eyes gleamed. They gleamed red.

I know you've said that the glowing eyes are a Terry Pratchett reference,
but they're also a stock image in Gainax, aren't they?

  "You do have a point there. I just...well, like I said, I would have
wanted to be around more people like myself, at your age."

  "There's nobody quite like her," came a voice from the door as it slid
open.

Amusing how that line could be taken as both compliment and slam (and
truth - after all, how many Goddesses of the Future are there in Norse
mythology?)

  Skuld finally smiled, just a little bit. "Thanks. And I'll get stronger
so I can protect myself too, right?"

  "Absolutely," I said. "But right now, you need some sleep."

Maybe "And one way you can do that, is to get some sleep now."  Just a
thought.

  "Or it could be intended to worry us. Mind games," said Belldandy.

  "Very good, Belldandy," said a voice I didn't know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

  Yay, cliffhanger ending.

But not for very long, eh?

Anyway, I'm definately enjoying this.

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^


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