Aaron Nowack wrote:
This is, as the subject implies, the sixth chapter of my revision of
this Sailor Moon epic. C&C of all kinds is always welcome. The
previous chapters of the revision have not been archived anywhere yet,
but are available on request.
Always good to know.
Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/ (for now)
Shades of Gray
A Sailor Moon Fanfic
By: Aaron Nowack
Chapter 6: Soul of Thunder
"...He has loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible, swift
sword..."
-"Battle Hymn of the Republic"
This calls for ice-cream.
Don't ask.
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Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi, whose creative
talents far exceed my most humble own. Distribution and other rights to
Sailor Moon belong to lots of different companies that I do not own. I
make or imply no claim to ownership of Sailor Moon or its characters.
However, the text of this fanfic is mine, and should not be used without
permission. Thank you.
***********************************************************************
My C&C is public domain, to be used by anyone for pretty much any
purpose, up to and including ignoring it if you don't find it helpful.
As an aside, good to see you posting again, Evil Twin.
A sharp drumroll shattered the silence. Under a dark sky, as
one, thousands of red flares appeared. Inside the citadel of Grim
Respite, a handful of youma waited for the onslaught. For a few
moments, nothing happened. Then, a second drumroll was pealed out.
Simultaneously, thousands of flaming arrows were loosed, flying through
the dark sky like shooting stars.
Suggest: drumroll was pealed -- drumroll pealed
I'm not sure, but it sounds awkward otherwise?
The defenders weathered the storm of arrows, losing only a few
of their number. But that was not the end. A third drumroll sounded,
rumbling like thunder over the horizon. Then, for a long moment,
silence returned. The quiet seemed unnatural, and an expectant feeling
filled the air.
What are they doing during the silence? I have this image of
everyone freezing, suddenly looking around because they *know* that this
signifies something important, fear glinting in their eyes, etc.
But we don't see that, so shey could be running forward. :p
A large groan broke the stillness. The very earth heaved,
cracking open before the citadel. The widening chasm raced forward
towards the solid walls of the castle.
Suggest: large -- great
'large' suggests physical size, to me.
The defenders were not worried, as the walls had wards inscribed
on them, protecting them from such magical assault. What they did not
know was that, amid the flaming arrows they had recently survived,
arrows carrying charms designed to counter those wards had been hidden.
And thus, they were surprised when the chasm reached the walls, and the
defenses tumbled in with a great crash.
survived -- weathered (they did lose a few to the arrows, right?)
'Tumbled' is a fairly gentle word for a castle wall collapsing. Hmm.
The first of them to die was the castle's seneschal, whose head
was cleaved in two by a massive axe. The second was Ixitar's brother,
who was torn apart by two massive dog-like youma. The defenders never
had a chance. First by the ones, but then by the dozens, they fell. The
last to die was slain while he cowered in a corner.
Sure, they had plenty of chance!
...before the walls were breached, anyway. ;)
He would not be the last to die in this war. This was only the
beginning. Mordrangar had made his move, seizing the territory
previously promised to the Mountains of Desolation. With Jadeite's
youma split by their own bickering, this would be an easy conquest.
Mordrangar felt that within weeks he would be seated on Beryl's throne,
sipping wine out of a goblet made from Jadeite's skull. Yes... this
would be sweet.
Nice.
Though, we don't see much of Mordrangar right here.
The place was the Palace of Light, once home to the King and
Queen of Venus. Those two had long since fled their home, headed
towards the safe haven of Luna. Now abandoned except for those who
chose to defend it, the Palace floated over bloodstained, ruined fields.
Venus, Planet of Light, faced true war for the first time in recorded
history.
"Except for those who had chosen..." flow is a little stilted. Maybe
something like, "Save those die-hard defenders" or "Excepting a handful
of loyal..." etc. ?
When the war was almost two years old, the Brotherhood had moved
back to the inner system, leaving half their force to keep Pluto bottled
up. Their invasion had struck Mercury and Venus, bypassing the strong
defenses of Terra, which soon had its own problems to deal with, in any
case. Mercury had lasted nine months, but had been forced to surrender
when the rebels had threatened to destroy the Sunshield. But Venus was
where Cyrene had made her stand.
I was going to say it looked awkward, but the truth of the matter is
that "when the war was almost two years old" is really a cool turn of
phrase when I stop to consider it.
Maybe drop the comma before: in any case? (not sure - seems to be a
lot of commas though. (Like I'm one to talk. >_<))
For two and a half years, war had ravaged Venus. Vast forests
had been burnt to the ground. Great plains had been trampled by the
steeds of the Martian desert nomads, perhaps the finest mounted warriors
in the solar system. Villages and cities had been stormed, captured,
and retaken until there were only a few that had not been abandoned.
Cloud Castles had been damaged, though not even the rebels risked
destroying them.
Two year war? Or is the system-wide war younger than the Venus Wars?
They need better equipment than unicycles, motors or not....
Now the rebels were making their final assault. Their armies,
boosted by native Venusian rebels, had finally battered their way to the
Palace of Light. Behind them was only devastation, a tortured wasteland
of muddy trenches, still-smoking craters, and countless unmarked graves.
Ahead of them was the last bastion of loyalist power on Venus. Cyrene's
orders were clear. At the first sign of defeat, she was to teleport to
Luna, and from there probably back to take command of Pluto's defenses
once again.
Suggest second instance of 'rebels' with maybe 'rebel sympathizer'
or the like?
She peered out through the viewports at the forces gathering
below, readying for the assault. There was what had once been the famed
Jovian Royal Guard, though they now called themselves simply the Jovian
Guard. Her face twisted into a grimace as she saw a handful of banners
>from her own world, but that grimace was nothing before the expression
that appeared on her face as she saw a single, plain blood-red banner.
The Betrayer of Peace. Almost as soon as she saw this, the attack
began.
Now, THAT is noteriety.
Also, comma after plain? (Not sure)
When the two met, a bloody fight ensued. Rebels and loyalists
fought each other with a passion, neither side willing to give ground. A
thin Saturnian stabbed one Venusian through the heart with a rapier,
only to have the favor returned by a loyalist pikeman. The fighting
swirled throughout grand halls. A vast mirror, which no doubt had cost
a fortune, was shattered into a thousand pieces by sword blows. Bodies,
and blood, were everywhere. Uranus felt a haze of red descend over her
vision as she desperately tried to be everywhere at once, striking down
the rebels with her Space Sword.
The specific description of the mirror is somewhat jarring given the
flow of the battle, or rather, its description. Maybe better to say,
'priceless artifacts' or something like that?
Suddenly, looming out of the carnage came Ares' form, his dark
red armor covered in blood, as was his blade. A manic light was in his
eyes and a cocky grin on his face as he approached Uranus. The two
collided, blades striking like serpents, and in moments both were
bleeding from several small hits. Hits they could have avoided had they
been well rested.
Ares: 3 hit combo
Uranus: Super Henshin Combo!
Ares: Button-masher.
hits -- wounds (?)
That was then...
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...and this is now.
Still love that transition.
Uranus's face twisted into a sneer. "You won't get the chance
to make another mistake."
Ares sighed. "No, I won't. What a way for this to end, after
so many years." He closed his eyes, waiting for oblivion.
Uranus tightened her grip and prepared to press down.
Fate's funny like that.
"I'm Zeus." another responded. It was his voice, but it
sounded... ancient. As the voice faded, memories of another age came
pouring in. A vast city that floated through the reddish-brown clouds,
watching the sunset from a distant world, responsibility. An oath. A
duel. Hatred. Rage.
Zeus." -- Zeus,"
"What is it?" asked Sailor Moon, a bit of hope in her voice.
"We all have wounds to tend. We will continue this another
day." Ares and the other Champions leapt down, swiftly vanishing.
Now, this is strange. I guess it's just Ares saying, "We're losing,
so we're canceling the 'to-the-death' part for now. Bye-ee!"
You'd think with the reinforcements they'd try and at least push for
a quick victory.
And, to the north, three armies converged on a stretch of
wasteland, not yet any different from any of the countless barren
regions of the Dark Kingdom. Two armies marched under the banner of the
Dark Kingdom. The third, and by far the largest, carried the standard
of the Mountains of Desolation. In a matter of days, the three would
collide, and this wasteland would become distinguished by hosting one of
the greatest battles in the history of the Dark Kingdom.
Ooh! Violence!
He didn't notice the man who began following him about halfway
there. That man grimaced as he raced after Ikawa. "Rei, tomorrow I
will crush this two-timing bastard for you!"
Ah. Yeah. Life happens. Hehe.... Nice touch.
Haruka closed her eyes. "I guess... but that's what we did last
time. What will Usagi think... no, what will we think of ourselves if
we kill one of the Champions, and he's someone we know? Or someone one
of the others knows? We don't even know why we're fighting, this time."
Gee, what are the odds of that?
And the clouds of smoke continued to rise up into the heavens,
like grasping hands. Their numbers grew as the day wore on. As night
fell, some of them slowly started to die down, as the fires ran out of
things to consume. The cries of pain quieted, as those that cried out
died or became too weak to shout out their anguish. The columns halted,
resting for the next day. It would not be long before all these things
started once more. Not long at all.
I like this. Succinct, and to the point.
Staring out the window was a man with blond hair and blue eyes.
His face was dark, his mouth twisted into a frown. His face smoothed as
he finished what he was doing, then turned to face the others. his name
was Inusha Tamori. Or Genitas. Or Chronus.
Er... what exactly was he doing? O_o
I mean, I can figure it out, but it reads a little awkwardly....
"It's done," he said quietly. "That daughter of mine won't be
able to see us here. She'll only see Ikawa working on his homework if
she looks."
That's a big if.
It also always blows my mind that he fights his own daughter so
viciously.
Unazuki was the first to speak. "I don't think there is any
doubt about fighting the Dark Kingdom. The youma are the enemies of all
who live." The others nodded at that.
live." The -- live." The (You missed a space.)
"Exactly!" exclaimed Unazuki. "They're the same as they were
then. There's no reason to think that any overtures we might make would
have any effect."
Exactly!" exclaimed -- Exactly!" exclaimed (extra space, yes?)
Unazuki sniffed. "And you answered her rightly them. 'Come
back, all is forgiven.'?" She shook her head. "I have no intention of
kneeling to any Serenity."
Right. This part, I'm not sure of myself.
However, I _think_ that it should be:
forgiven?'"
I know that looks awkward to me. But I think that's how nested
quotation works.
Ookla? Chicago Manual of Style says...?
"Nor do I," Ikawa said. "But-"
"It is more than her mother ever offered us," Meno interjected. "It is
a start for negotiations, if nothing else."
Missing indentation on Meno's interjection.
Ikawa nodded, and a moment later Unazuki sat back with a nod of
her own. "I think we should at least try this course of action. I
trust there are no objections?" There were none. "Very well," Ikawa
stated. "So shall it stand, until all are one!"
stated. "So -- stated. "So (missing space)
1) Well, while Fallen Chapter 4 is at the prereaders, I figured I may as
well churn out another revision. The most substantial change this time
is to the final scene, which is quite different. Other than that, I
believe there are mainly just cosmetic changes.
Overall, it's a great setup for the stuff that you bring in later.
You manage to make the youma wars not only interesting, but grippingly
so. I really do find myself drawn to see what Jadeite's up to, and kind
of want him to win (before he loses, if you know what I mean).
Excelent work, and I'm looking forward to seeing more.
2) Any and all comments of all kinds are most welcome.
Rawr.
3) Thanks goes to Angus MacSpon for prereading the first version of this
chapter.
And he did a good job, hardly lefy anything for me!
4) The truly observant will note a minor change to the disclaimer this
time around. I decided it was a little hypocritical to request that my
characters not be used without permission, given I was doing just that
myself. Not that I anticipate this being an issue, as I expect anyone
wanting to use the characters would, barring outright cases of
plagiarism, be kind enough to ask permission anyway, which I would
almost certainly grant.
Well, I think it'd still be polite to ask you permission should
anyone be considering it anyway. ;)
5) Previous chapters of this revision are not yet archived anywhere
outside the FFML archives, but are available on request.
Hope to see the completed collection on your website soon. :)
Released: March 06, 2001
Revised: October 07, 2003
Now, if only the PoE revisions weren't lost in the crash. >_<