Apologies for the previous post.

--- David Gao <ukiechan2003@yahoo.com> wrote:

--siaru 14mar02/06oct03

"tabi" and "zori" are probably not on your usual fanfic readers'

vocabulary list.  I'd recommend reworking to use brief descriptions
instead of the Japanese names - although they give a clue to the
timeframe of the story.  

Actually, if I understand correctly, this is a traditional trip to
the shrine on New Year's Day.  The outfit is very specific (for
females anyway), and I don't think anything is wrong with using
the specific terms.  Other terms like kimono, yukata, and obi got
by without comment, so I'd suggest that these be kept.  (A note or
glossary at the end might help though.)  It can happen at just
about anytime during the day.  I would guess that they decided to
visit later during the day (perhaps the afternoon).

When a bus paused to let a passenger out at the front just as
she arrived at the bus stop, she stepped up in the back and 
let it carry her away from her life.

She looked around: the bus was nearly empty as it resumed its
journey towards the great city's heart. She took a convenient
seat and stared out the window, idly watching the city slip by,
until the darkness of the closed shops and quiet houses beyond
the window made her face her reflection once more.

Good stuff... but she rode the bus for an entire day?  It's symbolic,

yes, if you think about it - running around in circles with nowhere to
go, completely at odds with the rest of Tokyo because she chose that one
day to get away and dress up like a normal girl when most of everyone
else got traditional.  As much an indication of her bad timing as
everything else, but once again, I have to rework the image to make more
sense out of this, and it's detracting from my ability to simply enjoy
the piece.  Perhaps it's all just me though, since I'm not all that fast
on the uptake.

I'm not sure that is what the case is.  If it is the case, it
definitely needs to be made more clear.  BTW, there is no good timing
during New Year's everything is closed.  AIUI, she boarded the bus in
the late afternoon, and it became dark soon afterwards while she rode
the bus.

I would suggest toning this part down a bit as well.  Not that they're

not well written, but with a piece like this, extraneous show of
rationalization or openly expressed emotions will only hurt.  Like I
said, you've done a wonderful job at the opening bits putting her
thoughts into actions.  This part, I think, can be handled just as well
in that fashion.

I will disagree with this.

Nice again.  Although, that last sentence concealed the symbol of red

thread tying into love and relationship because it shifted the emphasis
onto Kasumi's fixation on perfection.  Don't know if that's intended.

See "red string of fate".  It ties in perfectly with the red string
(hair) around Ranma's finger.  It means that Kasumi and Ranma are the
intended couple.  This is an amazingly Japanese story.

Ranko shared a conspiratorial smile as she raspily whispered, "I
beat her ass real good, gave her back that Kiss of Death..." She
grinned again and continued in a clear voice, "_And_ it turns
out that's what I shoulda done right back at the beginning, in
her village. She got some of her honor back, anyway, so she went
home."

Don't have a dictionary offhand, so can't verify, but I really don't

know the adverbial form of "raspy".  Dictionary.com doesn't turn up a
valid entry for "raspily" though.

Sometimes dictionaries are not enough.  In this case, I think I've
run across raspily in other literature.  Besides, "raspy" is an
adjective, raspily is an adverb.

I don't intend to jump on you, but there are some parts of this story
which seem to require specific background.  It would probably be more
appropriate for the author to provide it.  But in the mean time, I'll
just interject on some of the situations portrayed.

-- Anand


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