Troy Thomas wrote:
http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/
Right. Before we begin, I would like to apologize to the author for
comments I made recently which were out of line and needlessly rude.
I won't try to justify what I said, merely say that I am sorry,
because I should have thought about what I was saying before it was said.
Now.
On to my C&C. As always, my opinions and suggestions are just that
(MINE! You can't have... er....) and you should feel free to ignore them
if they do not help you.
That being said, I hope you find my comments helpful.
He felt an ache in his chest, where... He opened his eyes, running his hand
over his chest. There was no wound. It wasn't sticky with blood.
An elipses that terminates a sentence should contain three periods.
I'm an elipses junkie, I should know. �_�
Had he just been dreaming? He pressed his hand to his chest, and then
brought it to before his eyes so he could look at his palm.
Wasn't he just feeling his chest?
There was no blood. Had it been a dream? Had he dreamed everything?
Ah, nevermind. It appears the repetition is intentional.
And the sky. Blue. But not the blue he always imagined it to be, but the
real sky blue that always surprised him whenever he looked up. He had always
felt it should be softer than it truly was.
These are stylistic fragments, which are fine. Except that I would
cut the first 'but', so it's more consistant with the stuttering pattern
of thoughts that are being shown. This is probably just me, though.
There was a sudden, terrible ache in his head. He grabbed it, screaming.
For some reason I want to parse this as him grabbing the ache and
not his head.
He then opened his eyes.
Excelent way to close the scene.
His mind... Sometimes he forgot things, and not just the usual things he
didn't bother to remember. It was anything, everything. Even the past that
he thought important was going, disintegrating into dust in his now brittle
mind.
Elipses.
Other kids gathered round, but Ranma barely even noticed them because the
second beast that lived in his mind had woke. It frightened the beast on his
back. The time creature, playing on the ground ahead of him, stopped still,
hoping to not be noticed.
I would say, 'the second beast, which lived', to make this clearer.
Well, I guess both of them are in his mind. But one's on his back, too.
He then found himself lost, but the second creature had fallen asleep.
Thankfully. So much so.
Mercifully?
"Yeah. Sure." Ranma stood up. He felt a little better. But how?
How or why?
Ranma didn't want to remember, but he could see it in his mind. A monster
that looked like a man, and he was wrapped in fire. He hesitated, but then
said to Tofu. "And under the fire, it was like punching rock. And he moved
fast. Really fast." He felt his chest, where the scar burned. "And he used a
long spear made outta fire."
I get the feeling this is something I should remember from mythology.
But nothing's coming to mind....
Ranma tried to remember, but he couldn't remember anything after the
laughter had started.
Even the day that had just happened had fallen away into the abyss that was
in his mind.
Ah. Looks like that second beast's the key... interesting.
Notes:
This idea's been sitting on my hard drive since before I gave up on my old
fics (sorry to readers who were enjoying them). Now, I just recently have
had an idea of where to go with it.
Also, the name Urameshi is only a nod in the direction of Yuyu Hashiko for
bringing to me an idea in the first place. This story is not a crossover.
My C&C's pretty sparse here, but this is heavily stylized, so....
As I said before, I really liked this one. I'd like to read what
happens next!