http://homepage.mac.com/vgz/nkpro.html

You know, a little text beyond just the link would be kinda...um...more
courteous? Just a thought.

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...and a reminder of why we encourage people to use text-only e-mail. For
one thing, this doesn't happen and doesn't embarass you. For another, most
people don't want HTML and images in their e-mail.

Now, on to the story itself...

Farther down the street Tendo Nabiki stood glowering, lowering her >camera.

<Saotome, I'll make you suffer for betraying imouto-chan,> she >thought.

Uhh...Akane is the one who jumps to conclusions all the time, not Nabiki.
Nabiki is more likely to wonder WHAT Ranma is doing, rather than just jump
to a conclusion like that.

Besides, since when did Nabiki care if any member of her family suffers?
They don't mean much more to her than anyone else does.

Nabiki sat on the couch of the Tendo-ke's living room with a self-satisfied
expression as she counted the yen she had just collected. Pausing to >look

at the gathered crowd she almost felt sorry for Ranma. Almost. <You

shouldn't have betrayed Imouto, Saotome. You deserve whatever you >get.>

Again, Nabiki is considerably OOC here.

Gathered around the table, Xian Pu, Kounji Ukyo,

Kuonji

Nearby, Hibiki Ryoga sat with several thoughts running through his head.
<How dare he cheat on Akane! I'm going to kill him! ...wait, now Akane will
be free! After I kill that bastard I can ask her on a d-d-d-d-date.> Ryoga
began to chuckle with a somewhat maniacal gleam in his eyes.

*yawn* Been there, done that...

Nodoka considered the youngest Tendo with hard eyes. Seeming to come >to a

decision, she spoke. "Very well, Tendo-san, since you do not want to >be
engaged to my son, I hereby declare the Saotome-Tendo engagement >void." Not
waiting for a response, she lifted her son's arm, supported him >with one
shoulder, and left the room. While the rest of the residents and >guests
remained frozen in shock, Nodoka made a quick trip to the guest >room to
grab Ranma's pack. Thanking her luck that her son tended to >keep the
majority of his belongings packed, she grabbed the few loose >items,
returned to the foyer where she had set Ranma down, and left with >him.

Hey Gary, does this mark the 458583939272829101895th time we've seen this,
or the 458583939272829101896th? I've lost count.

Soun sat blubbering about the schools never being joined. Genma tried >to

reassure him that things would work out, though he himself was trying >to
figure out how.

Welcome to cut-and-paste fanfiction, folks.

Or should that be drag-and-drop? Instant Ranma Fanfic Generator, perhaps? I
dunno, but whatever it is, here you have it.

Nodoka-no-obasan

Nodoka's aunt? What? Learn to use this stuff properly if you're going to use
it at all. The CORRECT usage here is: "Saotome-obasama."

Nabiki quickly used the distraction to leave the room unnoticed. <I really
screwed up this time. Akane was hurt and it isn't even Ranma's fault,
though he is the cause. I better find him and clear things up with
Nodoka.>

More OOC Nabiki. She doesn't have a conscience. She doesn't do guilt.



Okay, some thoughts on the overall thing:



It's boring. Bland, boring, dull, and doesn't do anything that hasn't been
done before.

It's also poorly-written, swerves far out of character in places, then pulls
back onto the road--but it's the road of fanon, not of canon, and you can
tell most of your exposure to Ranma is from fanfics.

Additionally, the fanboy Japanese. Now, some people can pull it off, because
they know what they're doing. You obviously do not. You're trying to look
smart and elite, and trying to trick people into thinking you know Japanese.
You clearly do not. Stick to English until you learn what you're doing, and
more to the point, what you're doing *wrong*.

The final analysis is that this isn't worth reading. It's "cured Ranma goes
to Hinata-sou with Keitarou", and that doesn't really have any potential as
far as I'm concerned. At least, not the way YOU'RE writing it.

I give it an F for F-ort. ...bad pun, I know.



The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com
"I drank out of the same toilet as someone
who has AIDS. Am I at risk?"
"Yes, but not for the reasons you think."



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