Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 3 A warm place


Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess
characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Bill Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by
Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or make me listen
to an entire CD of white noise.


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Saint Peter stood at the pearly gates of heaven behind a podium topped with
a well used thick book. The landscape around him was completely white with a
cloudy mist filling the air obscuring everything in the distance. Behind
him, were two beautiful gates made of gold, pearl and ivory preventing
unauthorized entry to the realm of heaven, or Asgard as some of its
residents called it. He made a notation in the book of judgment and asked
the question to the soul at the head of a line that went on for kilometers,
a query he had asked millions of times before. "Name?"

An African-American girl in a white angelic robe approached the podium,
ready to face judgment, "Amanda Petersen."

The Saint turned the page in the book to find her name on the invitation
list for heaven. "Ah, yes, Amanda..." His oration was interrupted by a
female scream coming from the back of the line and it got louder as other
women joined in the chorus.

"Sweeto!" Happosai wearing a black karate gi glomped on the next girl in
line causing her to shiver in panic. Other souls awaiting judgment reeled
back in horror as the creep bounded from victim to victim.

A woman fell to her knees in prayer. "Please forgive me! I repent! I didn't
mean to feed the animals!"

"Hotcha!" Happosai leapt onto the woman's back, wrapping his arms around her
and squeezed her breasts hard.

"I'm in hell! I'm burning in hell!" The woman collapsed in terror.

Screaming in glee, the freak held on tight to the limp body on the ghostlike
ground. "Heaven! I made it to heaven! I always knew I would! Bring on the
ladies. Woo hoo!" Happosai released his latest victim to select the next
object of his affections.

Saint Peter took a good look at the twisted little man who was disturbing
the tranquility of the procession of souls. Shuddering in recognition, the
Saint gasped. "Oh no! And Death told me that he wouldn't be coming for..."

He waved his arm and magically, a golden rope appeared just above his right
shoulder. Closing his book of names, knowing that Happosai wasn't listed
anywhere in it if he could help it, he pulled the rope. "I already know
where you're going."

The fluffy white mist that covered the ground disappeared under Happosai as
a square hole appeared leading to blackness. A torrential wind tried to suck
him down with the force of a hurricane. He lost his footing and slid toward
the hole to nothing. "No!" He grasped the edge of the open hatch to avoid
oblivion.

All of the other souls stood unaffected by the wind and watched in
fascination as the little man held on despite a wind they didn't know
existed. A fat old Japanese woman stepped out of the line and took a good
look at the old fossil, scowling at him. She pointed at him in accusation.
"Wait! You're the one who wouldn't steal my underwear!"

"Huh?" Cried out Happosai, struggling from experiencing infinity. "You're
that ghost that wanted me to steal your ugly bloomers, aren't you?"

"Nice that you recognize me you old fool. It's because of you that I stayed
on Earth for years with unfinished business." She stood above the man she
was passing final judgment on. "That nice boy, Ranma's his name wasn't it?
He had to force you to steal my underwear to release me from my bondage on
earth."

Happosai's eyes bugged out at the thought of this woman in a bondage outfit
almost causing him to slip away. "AHHHH!"

"Now..." A halo appeared above her head. "I can finally rest in peace." She
smashed her slippered foot onto Happosai's shriveled hand.

"P-p-pretty ladieeeeeesssss..." Screamed the little troll as he fell into
the endless void. Hundreds, then thousands, then millions of angels, cherubs
and Saints applauded the old woman's great deed. She took a bow and sprouted
wings, flying through the open gates of heaven, trumpets blaring and angels
singing, announcing her arrival to eternal bliss.


========================================



Ranma awoke on a stretcher on the sidewalk with no memory of how he got
there. Lying face down, burn salve was being applied over his upper back by
a medic to ease the swelling from some first and second degree burns he had.
"Uh, how did I get here?"

The medic put the tube of salve back into his medical kit. "You were in
shock from some burns you suffered and collapsed. You've been out cold for
over half an hour. What's the last thing you remember, Sir?"

Groggy from regaining consciousness, he tried to put the last few moments of
his life back together again. "I was helping this woman in a small car, then
there was an explosion." He looked around the area to get his bearings.
Assessing the situation, he saw dozens of people milling about,
rubbernecking at remains of the traffic accident. A group of firemen were
stowing their hoses back on their fire truck since they were done watering
down the burnt out Toyota a short distance away.

A man in a suit and tie gently pushed aside the medic and kneeled next to
the resting martial artist. "I'm detective Miyashi of the Tokyo Police
department, Nerima ward, I've got a few questions to ask you." He flashed
his identity card and police badge.

"Sure." Ranma closed his eyes thinking about why he was lying on a
stretcher. He couldn't remember being injured when the car went up in smoke.

The detective got out a pad and pencil to take notes. "Do you know the name
of the other gentleman?"

Mental capacity being in full operation, he replied the best he could.
"Huh?"

"I've got witnesses that say that you were involved with the deceased before
the accident. Why were you on the roof of that building over there?" He
pointed a pencil to a building across the street.

"The roof? Oh, I was chasing that old coot." Ranma moved on the stretcher to
get a little more comfortable.

"Why were you chasing him?"

Ranma was not believing what he was hearing, there was actually someone in
the Nerima ward of Tokyo that didn't know about Happosai's little 'hobby'?
"He stole the girl's underwear at school."

"A panty thief? What made you think he committed a crime?"

"It's Happosai! The guy's a rotten pervert. Ask anyone, they'll tell you."

"I intend to." He wrote down the name Ranma mentioned, then checked a
previous note on his pad. "Now, I have here that you pushed him off the roof
before the accident. True?"

"Yeah, I pushed him off. He wouldn't give up the bag without a fight."

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, he tried to narrow down the method of a
possible crime. "Onto a busy highway?"

"It never mattered before." Ranma shrugged. "The guy's indestructible."

Miyashi paused at the admission of guilt. "So you admit that you pushed the
old man onto a busy highway?"

The detective waved to some officers standing nearby to come closer. "Mr.
Saotome, did you kill... What was the name you said? Happosai?"

Now it was Ranma's turn to be surprised. "He's dead?"

"Very much so. Why did you kill him?" The detective's face grew serious and
grim.

Ranma stuttered as the seriousness of the situation came to light. "H-h-he's
dead? That's impossible, he's taken worse blows that this."

"I find that difficult to believe. He was run over by a eighteen wheel
tractor trailer and then immolated when the gas tank exploded on the car you
blew up."

"W-wait just a minute here!" Ranma sat up, finally understanding what the
detective was insinuating. "I didn't blow up that car. The lady smashed into
the back of the truck and I got her out."

"That's your story. Now tell me the truth and it'll be easier on all of us."
He flipped his book to another page. "You've got a long record of vandalism
and delinquency. You're also listed as an accomplice to Happosai's little
nightly forays. So what happened? Did he cut you out of your share?"

"My share!?!?" Ranma screamed as he bolted upright, flinging the blanket
covering him off to the side. He stood shirtless to the delight of random
female pedestrians. "I'll tell ya that I got nothin' to do with that filthy
pervert's little thievery!"

Closing his pad, the detective stood up to face Ranma. "I've got witnesses,
motive and opportunity for a charge of premeditated murder. You're coming
with me." He turned to the nearest officer. "Take him into custody."

"Wait! It's not what it looks like!" He struggled as an officer placed the
young man's hands behind his back and handcuffed him. Ranma stopped
struggling once the cuffs clicked into place. "I'm innocent! I didn't do
nothin'!"

"That's what they all say." He nodded to an officer who grabbed Ranma from
behind to escort him to a waiting police car.

Akane watched Ranma from behind the police barricade, flabbergasted that he
was being arrested. Ukyou stood by the Tendo's side waving at him to attract
his attention. The chef's eyes were filled with tears while Akane glowed a
bright blue at the officer who blocked her attempt to jump the yellow police
tape.

Ukyou screamed out as the police placed handcuffs on her fiance. "Ranchan!
What are they doing to you?"

Akane grabbed the officer's shoulders, leapfrogging over him and ran to her
betrothed. "Ranma!" She dodged another officer to get to her husband to be
and glomped him. "I know you didn't do this!"

Ranma gasped in pain from the minor burns on his back where Akane's hands
were touching. "ARGH! Knock it off before you kill me!"

"Miss." Miyashi gripped the young Tendo by the arm to pry her away. "We're
taking him in for questioning."

She tightened her grip on her fiance. "You're not taking him anywhere."

Behind them a officer shouted out commands to an enraged woman. "Miss, put
the weapon down!"

"Where are you taking my Ranchan!" Ukyou was fit to be tied. She held her
giant baker's peel like a sword ready to deal out swift justice to anyone
who dare keep her away from Ranma. "Where's he going?"

Ranma slid down, writhing in pain from Akane's grip, the salve acting like a
lubricant preventing Akane from keeping him from falling. The medic caught
him before he oozed onto the pavement. Akane lunged forward to grab her
fiance again when Miyashi pulled her back by tightening his grip on her arm
where he held her. She retaliated by taking a swing at the detective.

Miyashi jumped back to avoid a fist to the nose. "Who are you?"

"I'm Akane Tendo, Ranma's FIANCE!" Akane screamed as five officers tackled
her to defend the detective. She struggled for a moment before the weight of
five men built like football players pinned her down.

Seeing that Akane was subdued, Miyashi approached the young pissed off girl.
"Okay, I can let this transgression slide because he's your fiance, but
you'd better calm down or I'll have you arrested as well." He turned to the
woman holding four officers at bay with an odd steel weapon. "And who are
you?"

Ukyou screamed back. "I'm Ukyou Kuonji, his cute FIANCE!"

Miyashi blinked. "Two fiances? Oh, we've got a player here." Shaking his
head in disbelief, he opened his notepad to document this new complication
to the case. "This is going to be a long day."

A bicycle flew from nowhere landing next to the medic holding Ranma. "Nihao
Airen!"

Miyashi stared wide eyed at the purple haired Chinese woman. "And who are
you?"

The new girl proudly exclaimed, "Shampoo is Ranma's wife!" She smiled
proudly at her husband by Amazon law.

"This is going to be a REALLY long day." He scribbled more facts into his
notepad.

Black flower petals filled the air when a green leotard clad girl appeared
on top of the trailer of the ruined truck. "Officers, what are you doing
with that man?"

The detective was now deathly afraid to ask, but his duty required it. He
weakly spoke then raised his voice so the ribbon twirling girl could hear
him clearly. "And... Who might you be?"

"I'm his lover! Kodachi Kuno." She bowed. "At your service."

His head was spinning. "This is going to be a REALLY REALLY long day."

Ukyou jumped onto the truck to confront the crazed gymnast, weapon at the
ready. "Back off, Ranchan's mine!"

The black rose cackled, "I came as soon as I heard the news." She faced the
officer. "I'm here to post bond for my Ranma darling!"

The detective whispered. "This is getting weirder every second."

Shampoo landed on the other side of Kodachi. "Bond? What that?"

"Why, my uneducated adversary, it means that my darling will be in my care
until the trial. My lawyer will see to it that he goes free until we can
straighten out this misunderstanding. After all, we'll prove together this
was justifiable homicide. Happosai deserved swift execution for his crimes
against humanity."

Akane muttered from under the five cops holding her down. "Yeah, that freak
deserved to die."

Ukyou nodded. "If anyone had to go, it was him."

"Great grandmother happy to hear pervert go to very bad place."

Kodachi approached the lip of the trailer to announce her intentions to the
police below. "I will take my darling into the protection of house Kuno.
I'll personally see that he behaves until justice prevails. Then we shall be
wed." She let out a demonic laugh.

Rubbing his head as his migraine grew in intensity, Miyashi looked up at the
very strange gymnast. "He's not going anywhere but downtown with me. I'm..."
A paper has shoved into his face, testing his will to keep sane. "What's
this?"

A very short Chinese woman with long white hair in a black suit wearing dark
sunglasses and holding a lawyer's briefcase introduced herself. "I'm Mr.
Saotome's professional attache, Cologne, from the embassy of the People's
Republic of China. This is a letter allowing me to take him into my
custody."

"Say WHAT!?!?" Miyashi looked at the paper he was handed, frustration and
confusion evident on his face. He scanned the heading, trembling at the
words imprinted on it. "D-d-diplomatic immunity!?!? Just what the hell is
going on here?"

"Mr. Saotome is an ambassador of the Chinese Amazon tribe. He is the husband
of the great granddaughter of the matriarch and as such, he has the full
protection of the Geneva convention as a full ambassador of the nation of
China." She leered at the detective. "You can't even give him a ticket for
jaywalking."

He read the document again, it had the seal of the Chinese embassy and
looked real. "Narita! Call this in and check it out." Officer Narita took
the paper, eyed the woman with suspicion, then went to use the radio in his
squad car.

Akane grunted from under the weight of her captors. "Can I get up now?"

Shampoo laughed for an instant. "Pervert girl stay down. Akane learn place
in world."

"Why, you!" Akane squirmed to try to get out from under the men to pummel
the Amazon.

Ukyou eyed the two other girls on the trailer with her, stowed her weapon
behind her back and jumped off to the ground below. She held her hands up
for the officers benefit. "I'll behave." The officers stood back as she went
over to her childhood friend. "Oh, Ranchan, I'll get you through this."

Ranma groaned from his place on the stretcher where the medic had placed
him. "Why me?"

Calling out from the top of the truck and continuing when she landed beside
Ukyou, Shampoo huffed. "Shampoo take Airen home!"

Reaching behind to grip her spatula and taking a fighting stance, Ukyou
stared lightning at the Chinese bimbo. "He's coming with me, sugar!"

"Ho, ho, ho, he's coming with me!" Kodachi somersaulted, landing in a
perfect ten next the other two girls.

>From under the cops, Akane's voice moaned out, "You can have him!"

Ranma turned around to lay on his back mouthing soundlessly the words he
didn't want any of the fiance brigade to hear. "Will all of you just shut up
and leave me alone." Sadly, Ranma wasn't in complete control of his vocal
cords as usual and the words slipped out for all to hear.

Ukyou, Shampoo and Kodachi stopped arguing. They screamed in unison.
"WHAT!?!?"

Akane jumped out in fury, cops flying everywhere, mallet ready. "Where do
you get off telling me to shut up! Why you!" She lunged at him smashing the
now empty stretcher with her mallet as Ranma dodged with his hands cuffed
behind his back.

Ranma danced around, dodging mallet strikes. "Knock it off you stupid
tomboy!"

The pig tailed boy spun around, running down the street with Akane nipping
his heels. Shampoo with bonbori, Ukyou with a battle spatula and Kodachi
with a gymnast ribbon took the roofs in pursuit. Seven police officers
followed Ranma and Akane but were no match for the pair's speed.

Miyashi threw his pad to the ground. "Dammit! I want an all points bulletin
on that kid."

"It doesn't matter." Officer Narita called out from the police car. "The
diplomatic immunity paperwork is legit. If you want the kid, we've got to
file a request with the Chinese embassy. We can't touch him."

Smirking, the Amazon elder in the business suit made a bow. "I'll see to it
that my son-in-law will behave himself until this is all straightened out.
Now, where is Happosai's body?"

"Do you know the victim?" Miyashi asked incredulously.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"This way." He escorted her to a body bag near the burnt-out Toyota. "Here
he is, but I doubt you can identify him. We've already requested dental
records to get a positive ID."

Brushing away the dust from the bag, she spoke to the detective without
taking her gaze away from the task in front of her. "There's no need for
that."

She pulled out a small gem from her jacket pocket. She held it over the
black body bag and saw no change in the gem's luster. She unzipped the bag
to expose the charcoal briquette that once was Happosai and touched the
remains with the gemstone. The magical sapphire didn't change in any way.
Cologne took a hard look at the body, seeing only a passing resemblance to
the man she once cared for hundreds of years ago. A few moments of silent
contemplation passed as she touched the body with the gem at numerous
points. Nodding in approval, she zipped up the body bag and slid the gem
back into her pocket.

The old woman joyfully jumped up and down in ecstasy. "Yes! Ding dong, the
witch is dead! Yeehaw!" She danced, twirled and strutted on the asphalt with
a huge happy smile on her face. "Oh happy day! We'll sing about this day for
generations to come!" She jumped up to Miyashi and kissed him on the cheek.

"Joy to the world! Today is a day for celebration!" She bounced off over the
rooftops with as much glee and energy as Tigger.

Papers and loose trash fluttered to the ground around the detective and his
officers as they stood like statues from witnessing whatever the heck they
just saw. The men held their rapt attention for a minute before Narita spoke
up. "How do we file this?"

"I'm still wondering if we should file this at all."


========================================



Happosai was drifting between the realms of reality. His twisted soul bent
and folded as it moved silently through the void that existed between the
Kami planes. He felt pulled by an unseen force in a certain direction.

Down.

Down.

He was going down.

He wasn't surprised in the least.

Moments that seemed like years lazily passed him by, boring the ancient
martial artist. "Hmm... Is this what the afterlife is like? Pretty boring if
you ask me."

A deep female voice answered him from behind. "I'm not asking you."

Happosai turned around to find that he wasn't in a void at all, but a
colossal cave, brightly lit from hot lava that covered its floor. Thousands
of sharp black pumice stones protruded from the magma that served as tiny
islands in a sea of suffering. Screams of anguish filled the chamber from
countless burning souls bathing in the red-hot liquid.

Happosai clasped his hands together. "Hello, Nurse! Will you be washing my
back for eternity?"

"You wish." The white haired, dark skinned female demoness hid a faint
smile. "I've got a proposition for you."

"I'm listening." He was.

"I've been reviewing your file and found that I may have a position that you
could fill for me."

Happosai drooled. "I've read the Kamasutra. I know all the positions." He
barely kept from bursting out in a nosebleed with perverted thoughts.

Hild used all of her strength to hold back her delight. Every lust or sex
demon she had elevated to the level of Demon First class of Perverted Sex
had either exploded a few days later on the job or died with a smile on
their face. This little creep had enough self control that he might actually
last an entire week. The fact that he was still a virgin meant that his
virility would be at its peak and allow him to perform his duties better
than the last candidate.

"Happosai, the job is a hard one, requiring stamina for you to keep it going
all night long. You have to arouse feelings that inflate your dedication of
performing at your best level. You can stiffen yourself to a rigid regimen
to satisfy the duties inwardly and outwardly of your office. As long as
you're up to it, the job is yours."

"And what job might this be?" The innuendo flew over his head like a jumbo
jet flying over an ant.

"I'll tell you, that if you refuse, you'll have to spend eternity here in
torment."

Happosai took a moment to take in the sights around him. Lava falls flowed
onto unlucky souls barbecuing them in their scalding heat, never-ending
screams of agony were coming from every direction and half of the damned
were female. In the pervert's mind, fifty percent meant it wasn't THAT bad.

Crossing his arms, he asked again. "What's the job?"

Grinning, showing her fangs. "Demon first class."

"Hmm... A demon eh? What area of influence?"

Hild didn't want to tell him. Happosai knew about demons and how they worked
because of his question. She had to tread lightly since every other demon in
the past would try to escape or refuse the post since they knew that it was
a death sentence to accept. She contemplated other forms of hell that would
force the evil creature before her to accept the position offered him. She
held that thought if things went badly in the next few minutes. "The area of
influence is Perverted Sex."

His eyes widened. "P-p-perverted sex." He went catatonic.

"Oh, drat." Hild was afraid that he was going to decline the post. She was
about to create a reality that was populated by cross dressing men for
Happosai to exist in for all time when the little gnome came to.

"YES!" His hands flew under his chin, his eyes went googlely and he
uncontrollably drooled. "YES! YES! YES!"

"Yes?" Hild was taken back in surprise.

"YES!" Happosai shouted again in total glee.

"Y-you accept?" Hild was cautiously optimistic.

"What part of the word 'yes' don't you understand!" Happosai bounced in
euphoria. "Bring on the ladies!"

Blinking in shock. Hild held out her hand. It became dark as it was
enveloped in shadow and black mist "Hold still. This won't hurt a bit."

Quaking in anticipation, Happosai summoned a soul of ice technique to stay
still. Hild touched his forehead, searing demonic marks on his face with
unholy fire. Happosai screamed in agony. "AAAAAHHHHH! Why does it hurt! You
said it won't hurt."

Hild shrugged. "It doesn't hurt me a bit." A few moments of intense pain and
dark demonic light permeate the grand master before Hild released her touch.
"Now, I'll send you back into your body and your first assignment. Welcome
to the realm of Niflheim, Happosai, Demon First class of Perverted Sex!" She
laughed, and laughed, and laughed...


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Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and I
won't make you Happosai's first assignment.

Bill Heineman
July 12th, 2003
========================================
burger@contrabandent.com
http://www.contrabandent.com/burgerbill
========================================



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