Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 2 Rest in pieces
Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess
characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.
By Bill Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by
Sinom Bre.
I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me submit
to the will of the taco-man. I love tacos! I love them good!
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Mara was drowning her sorrows in a bar in Niflheim. She had her head lying
in a pool of spilled sake surrounded by dozens of empty shot glasses and
sake bottles. The demon waiter walked by on its spider legs, picking up the
three bottles that had fallen onto the floor shaking its lump that passed
for a head in disapproval.
A loud ringing in her ears greeted Mara as she awoke from her alcohol
induced nap. She belched loudly, creating a foul-smelling wind blast that
knocked over the adjacent table. "Uh... I'm still alive. Darn."
She sat upright, wiping away the sticky sake from her face with an overused
napkin she had plucked from a napkin holder an hour ago. "Why?" She asked to
no one in particular. "She's gone insane. She'll doom us all."
Entering the bar, Urd took one smell of the foul odor and followed it to the
booth where Mara was quietly attempting to erase her memories though fluid
consumption. "So, I thought I'd find you here."
"Narf." Came the reply from the demon.
Urd wanted to sit down in the booth, but the seat was covered with glass
shards from a bottle that was used for target practice. She muttered a
cleaning spell to wipe away the debris and sat down in the spotless seat.
"So, why did you call me here? Are you still trying to break up Keiichi and
Belldandy?"
"Zort."
"Articulate as always." Urd looked around the bar at the demons, onis and
other damned souls populating the establishment. "I see you've improved upon
the quality of company you keep." She smiled at her table mate.
Mara lifted her head with a look of despair and hopelessness. "Doom... We're
all doomed."
"That's the spirit!" Urd reached over and tapped Mara's shoulder in a
playful gesture. "So, how are you going to end the world this time? Nuclear
holocaust? Meteor? Flood, although Kami-sama already did that one."
"NOOOO... It's worse!" Mara moaned holding her hands to her cheeks.
Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Urd crossed her arms while reclining in her
seat. "Worse than ending the world? So, what's going on then? Mom is taking
flower arranging classes?" The goddess of the past giggled at the thought of
her demon mother Hild, doing anything remotely good or wholesome.
"You've never seen true horror have you?"
"True horror? Other than the thought of Keiichi hanging around my sister for
eternity, or J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, what could be worse?"
Mara summoned all of her courage to say the most unholy word in any
language. "Happosai."
Urd gagged, coughed, shuddered and slid into a boneless heap on the filthy
floor in convulsions.
Mara peered under the table to watch Urd make a fool of herself. "I see he
has the same effect on you too."
The half-demon on the floor stopped twitching for a moment, choking out
words with great effort. "Y-y-you didn't say H-h-happosai? Did you?" She
pulled herself off of the floor grabbing Mara by the shoulders firmly. "DID
YOU!?"
Mara just grinned.
"W-w-what happened? H-he didn't... You know... Kick the bucket? He wasn't
supposed to!"
The marks on Mara's face shrank as her eyes grew. "Y-you didn't make a deal
with Death too?"
Urd looked away in embarrassment. "I..."
"You too, eh?" Another tall female demon with white hair, dark skin and
vampire fangs spoke. She had heard the name that should not be uttered and
came to see why anyone would utter it.
"You too?" Another demoness came forward, as did another.
Urd and Mara turned to each other in fright. Urd sat back down in her seat
and crossed her legs. "Well, at least that pervert won't be coming by
anytime soon. I've pushed his death off until next year. It cost me a
promise, but keeping him out of our hair was worth it."
A collective sigh of relief came from all the female demons and some of the
male ones in the room. A voice came from yet another demon. "That's a
relief."
Mara sank in her chair, nervously looking around at the patrons who were
disbursing. "Urd, could we speak in private?"
Since the subject matter was already disturbing and Mara did call her to
talk, Urd took Mara by the hand to help her out of her seat. Mara stumbled
and staggered out the door of the bar into the street. Urd guided her to a
back alley, used a simple spell to keep sound limited to just between them
and spoke. "This is about him, isn't it?"
Mara nodded. "Hild... Oh... We're doomed!"
"What's Mom up too?" Urd was deathly afraid.
"She found out about him. She wants to make him a demon."
Urd gasped. "A-a... Wait? You mean that he isn't already?" She thought about
her brush with the foul creature. "You sure?"
The blond demon sat down as she lost her remaining hope. "That's the
problem. He's a mortal and he has those powers. I don't even want to imagine
what he'd be like if he joined us in Niflheim."
"What about Death? I've got a deal with him." Urd held her hands to her
hips. "That troll is not checking out until next year."
"I guess you hadn't been told then." Mara sighed. "Death is canceling all
unused execution stays. She wants him to expire the next time the System
Force deems it so."
Getting hopeful, Urd happily kneeled next to her sometime adversary. "Maybe
the System Force will decide that it's best that he stay in Midgard."
"Tomorrow at 10:15 AM."
"Say what?" Urd blinked.
"Death already told me the time he is scheduled to leave Midgard. Tomorrow
at 10:15 in the morning, Tokyo time."
Urd bowed her head in defeat. "Well, there goes the neighborhood. I'm going
back to the temple now. I don't think I'll be visiting Nilfheim anytime in
the next millennium. I hope you understand."
Mara growled.
========================================
Kasumi placed a steaming pot of miso soup on the supper table. "Dinner!"
Instantly, Ranma and Genma appeared at their usual places at the table,
chopsticks at the ready. Both combatants stared lighting bolts at each other
waiting for either to make the first move in martial arts dining.
Akane rushed down the stairs and sat at her place next to Ranma. "Will you
two try to leave some for us!"
Nabiki turned a corner to enter the dining room and slowly kneeled taking
her usual place. "Yes, it's rude for guests to eat before the host arrives."
She sat on her pillow at the table comfortably. "After all, you're guests
here." She gritted her teeth as the other guest bounced into his seat.
Happosai picked up his bowl of soup and drank from it. "The host has
arrived."
Ranma raised a fist in defiance. "Since when were you the host? You
pervert!"
"Since when were you the host, Ranma? You haven't married Akane yet." Nabiki
spoke out loud to everyone at the table.
"Well, I..." Ranma grimaced since he knew exactly what was going to happen
next.
Soun appeared next to Genma and the two men stood happily dancing around.
"Yes! Ranma will be the official host once they wed."
Soun pointed to Nabiki. "Call the minister."
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Okay, daddy." She put her hand in her pocket to get
her cell phone, having no intention to actually place the call. Past
experience dictated exactly the night's activities down to the second. She
mentally patted herself on the back for making the freeloading guests
tonight's entertainment.
Akane huffed. "No way am I marrying that jerk!"
Ranma shoved a rice ball into his mouth, swallowing it quickly to deliver
his standard response. "As if! Who'd want a sexless uncute tomboy like you?"
"Tomboy! Why I..." She pulled out a mallet from somewhere and smashed Ranma
over the head with it.
Soun sobbed. "Ranma! Why do you treat your fiancee like that?" Tears flowed
all over the hardwood floor.
"Boy!" Genma gave the look of righteousness at his son. A look honed from a
decade of practice. "How can you call yourself a man when you can't even
defend yourself from a simple hammer blow?"
Ranma recovered from the blow and stood face to face with his father. "Call
myself a man? Why don't you marry her instead and leave me out of this?"
Happosai finished his soup while the argument was going on placing his bowl
gently on the table. Hearing the discussion, he found an opening that had to
be exploited. "Akane! Marry me instead! I'll join the houses!" He jumped to
glomp Akane and met the business end of her mallet, smashing the table and
sending food flying in every direction.
Akane screamed. "Get away from me, you pervert!"
Nabiki held her bowl of soup close, to keep any of the growing fight from
bothering her. "I'll be in my room if anyone needs me." She ignored the
chaos and left.
Kasumi pulled out a hand towel, wiping soup from the walls. "They are so
energetic."
Ranma reached into the air, grabbing a flying rice ball and stuffing it in
his mouth. He punched at his father's stomach but missed when Genma dodged.
Genma grabbed a bowl of soup before it hit the floor and slurped it down in
one gulp. "You're getting slow, boy!"
Ranma ducked and delivered a kick to his dad's ribs. He was propelled out
the back door into the yard. Ranma paused to grab the last two flying rice
balls for dinner and followed Genma to finish the argument.
Akane pulled her mallet from the ruined table to find that the crater was
empty. "Where did he go?"
Happosai popped out of the hollowed out mallet from a secret hatch. "Hiya
cutie! Let's say we go up to your room and consummate our love?"
Akane hurled the mallet through the window. The mallet stopped when it
shattered on the stone compound wall. Happosai landed on the windowsill
taunting his bride-to-be. "C'mon Akane, is that how you treat your
betrothed?"
"B-b-et... You sick, disgusting creature! I'll never have anything to do
with you even if you're the last man on Earth!"
A loud splash was heard outside, followed by a second one. A female voice
yelled in anger. "Serves you right Pops!"
"Growlf!"
More blows could be heard as the two continued their fighting. Happosai
rubbed his hands together in glee. "Ranma-chan! How I've missed you!" He
bounded outside to cop a feel whenever an opportunity presented itself.
Kasumi put a hand on Akane's shoulder. "Could you help me fix the table?"
Akane sighed and nodded. She effortlessly lifted the table halves while
Kasumi placed small blocks of wood under it to hold it up.
Outside, the fracas continued. Akane squinted as she thought she saw a
silhouette standing on the roof of the dojo. The cloaked man held a scythe
over his shoulder placing his finger under his neck to signal that someone's
throat was to be cut. She blinked her eyes and the figure was gone.
Akane wondered if what she saw was real. "Weird."
========================================
The white-haired, dark-skinned, tall, beautiful leader of the underworld was
getting excited at the prospect of a new demon at her beck and call. She lay
down on her bed reading the complete file on Happosai's life.
"Where have you been all my life?" She turned a page. "Such delightful
evil." She turned another page. "So decadent." She turned to the last page
that included the evening's attack on Akane. "And he's still a virgin."
She gave a demonic laugh filled with malice and darkness.
It sounded just like Kodachi Kuno.
========================================
Miss Hinako wrote three sentences on the blackboard for the current lesson.
"Now, as you can see, phonetics mean very little in English. Take the word
knife for example..." Outside the window of the classroom came the shouts of
angry women. "Not again. Didn't we do this yesterday?" She pulled out her
fifty yen coin in preparation for punishing delinquents. She ran out of the
classroom toward the stairway.
Ranma took the more direct approach. He jumped, feet first, out of the third
story window to the ground below. He paused for a moment to track his
quarry. Picking out a direction to intercept him, Ranma darted skyward, roof
hopping onto the wall then onto a building next door.
Happosai bounced from roof to roof with yet another laundry bag filled with
his priceless collectables. "Heh."
"Hey! Where ya going ya old lech?" Ranma was in hot pursuit.
"Can't an old man have a little fun in his golden years?"
"I don't think they'd agree with you." Ranma looked behind to see a small
group of girls falling behind in the chase.
"They've got so much. They wouldn't deny a dying man his last request. Woo
hoo!" He jumped across a wide street to the roof on the other side.
"Yeah, you're dying alright." Ranma sprinted to close the gap between him
and the old goat. He lunged forward to grab him by the shoulders, but found
a pipe shoved into his hand and the pig-tailed martial artist was propelled
into the sky.
Happosai shook his head in disappointment. "So reckless are the young. They
have much to learn before they can attain true enlightenment." Happosai felt
a cold chill in his spine. A chill he knew quite well. "Hey, long time no
see. It's been what? Ten hours since the last time you came for me?"
Death stood on the roof next to Happosai, robes flowing in the wind. "Sorry
to say, this time it's official business."
"You can try." Happosai took a defensive stance.
"It's not your call." The figure disappeared.
"Hey!" Happosai looked around for where Death had vanished off to. He
focused his senses to see if he could find him by other means. His efforts
were not in vain as the old man barely dodged a well-placed foot.
Ranma did a forward flip with his momentum and tried again to land on the
little gnome. He dodged again. Ranma did a spin kick that didn't connect.
"Hold still ya ol' freak."
"Make me!" He raised his battle aura making a giant image of himself.
"Behold the mighty power of the 'Anything Goes School of Martial Arts'!"
Ranma jumped forward, pushing the little man off the roof and onto the
street below. A firecracker exploded in Ranma's face blinding him for a
moment. The resultant shock from the explosion caused Happosai's bag to
burst open on the way down spilling its contents. "My darlings!" He snatched
a few panties from the air and shoved them back into the bag. He landed on
the pavement, quickly mended the bag and retrieved the stolen goods.
A horn blared as a truck barreled down on the road at high speed. Happosai
had the bad luck of landing on the only highway containing high speed
traffic within a kilometer of the high school. He judged the truck's height
to be enough to just duck under, so he didn't see the inherent danger of
staying on the road with ten tons of steel fast approaching. He saw the last
three bras fluttering in the wind from the other cars and moved to gather
them back in the bag.
The driver turned the steering wheel to swerve around and avoid hitting the
man on the highway. A bald tire reached the end of its usefulness and burst
into rubber strips, dropping the front bumper of the truck to ground level.
Happosai only had milliseconds to realize the error of his ways.
The front of the vehicle smashed full force onto Happosai's body giving a
terrible screech as the undercarriage met the pavement flinging sparks
everywhere. The rear tires rolled over the old fossil, crushing his bones.
The trailer passed overhead with Death hanging on to a spare tire attached
to the bottom of it enjoying the ride. With practiced ease from an eternity
of collecting souls, his icy cold hand touched Happosai's battered forehead.
"Gotcha at last! No one escapes Death!" Death laughed as he passed overhead
and faded away.
Ranma recovered from being stunned from the firecracker and arrived at the
edge of the roof, rubbing the smoke from his eyes to see what had caused the
car crash below. "I hope that ol' freak didn't somehow blame this on me."
Ranma saw the truck stop and Happosai's body roll out from under the rear
trailer.
Thinking that this was another one of Happosai's tricks, Ranma prepared to
deliver a good pounding on the unnatural thing. "Good, now we can finish
this." Ranma got into position to jump down when a Toyota Camry came out of
nowhere and slammed into the back of the truck and Happosai's body. "Oh no!"
Ranma jumped down to the smoking wreck, sensing terrible danger. A
hysterical woman was having a panic attack in her car from the trauma of the
accident and her air bag blasting into her face at the time of impact. Ranma
leapt over the car and yanked the door off. "Let me get you out of here."
His martial arts senses screamed to him that he didn't have much time. He
removed her seat belt and lifted the medium tall Japanese woman out of her
car and ran off.
The car exploded from the ruptured gas tank sending a ball of flame across
several lanes. Ranma shielded the woman with his own body to keep her from
being burned.
All around the pair, cars were stopped and people were assisting the driver
of the truck. Ranma jumped away from the busy street, over the fence that
separated the road from the pedestrian walkway and laid the woman down.
Ranma turned around to see the fire die down. He remembered that Happosai
had been dealt worst blows than this. He wasn't worried in the slightest.
"He got away."
A clock at a nearby bank read, 10:15.
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Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and
maybe, just maybe, I'll kill off Happosai for good.
Bill Heineman
July 5th, 2003
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burger@contrabandent.com
http://www.contrabandent.com/burgerbill
========================================
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