elisteran wrote:

As Kachiko stared at the books, the text began to blur together, forming

an

endless, monotonous chain of words.

Would that happen if she was looking at books, rather than reading one
particular book?

Probably not, but she's looking at them as one evil entity intent on driving
her to boredom.

"Oooo!" Kachiko goggled at the dress. It was a small number, fire engine

red

with spaghetti straps at the shoulders and a hemline that stopped before
reaching halfway down her thighs. Kachiko's top and shorts were quickly
discarded in favor of the new apparel.

Go, Kasumi.

Well, you'll see the true machinations in a minute.

Kasumi led Kachiko to the kitchen. "And here we are," she said in open
satisfaction.

Is this really supposed to be the kitchen, rather than where they
usually eat?

Oh. good point. Will change;

question: those that don't like the dress and don't want to hurt a

girl's

feelings, and those that like the dress and are afraid saying so is some
sort of commitment. You don't have the tact to be the former."

"I do too have tact. I got lots of tact. Just ask anyone."

Heh

Ranma knows he can rely on his friends to back him up. :)

Kachiko ignored the statement. "By unwittingly getting on my good side,

I'll

let you choose where we eat."

Shifting the conversation away from Ranma's current level of tact and

back

to food worked in making him drop the matter. "I'm in the mood for

something

ethnic. There's this neat Indian place that just opened over in the

shopping

district. I only had that style of food a couple of times traveling with
Pop, but I liked it. I'll lead the way."

This feels a little awkward as dialogue, particularly with 'that style
of food'. I'd just use 'Indian' again, as I think that's how people'd
be likely to actually say it. (Either 'Indian' or 'Indian food')

Okay

Soun pulled out a cigarette and lit up. "That's because she didn't

behave

the same way around you girls that she did around others. She always

acted

by a different standard for your sakes. She wanted to make sure you were
raised happily, and she was always careful around you, almost like you

were

made of glass. She was afraid she'd earn your animosity the way her

parents

earned hers, and it would have devastated her if your relationship with

her

had turned out that way. So she was always extra patient and less...
caustic, around you."

And given what she did nonetheless... ;-)

Yes. 'Kid Gloves' is a relative term.

"What about dinner, Father?" Kasumi asked.

"I'm no longer hungry either," he informed her.

But Kachiko is hungry, she's off grabbing curry with Ranma.

True, although she complained about the loss of apetite in the room. Will
change anyway. Actions oftenttimes speak louder than words.

for a second look even at the best of times, but no one regarded him as

ugly

or repulsive either. His looks were average, and he could easily blend

into

any crowd. It was both to his advantage and a liability, depending on

the

woman one was trying to catch. Sometimes standing out was good.

Sometimes it

was bad. In any case, at least he would look neat. No woman would be
offended by good personal hygiene.

Does he have a mustache yet? That was one of my first thoughts when I
think of younger Soun...

Nope. Will be mentioned later, as it is a minor story point.

"Of course not. It's more than enough," she said just a touch too

quickly.

She rolled further still, giving her back to him.

Interesting characterization here.

It's meant to be somewhat mysterious. Besides, it's all from Soun's POV, so
he doesn't know what goes on in anyone else's head.

Soun was relieved. His parents didn't approve of Genma, claiming he was

a

bad influence and too low born to be seen with-- as though the Arisugawa
bloodline had any great lineage itself. They might have been at one

time,

but Soun's maternal grandfather had gambled and drank away the family
fortune.

Lineage is unrelated with prominence or wealth, though. Suggest 'as
though Arisugawa name was anything to be particularly proud of. It
might have been at one time...' or similar.

Okay

"True." Soun admitted. There was no way someone reputed to be as

powerful

and knowledgeable of the martial arts as this mysterious figure could
possibly be so perverted.

I think this attempt at irony didn't work out.

Ah well. You have to figure there was some reason they hooked up with Happi,
despite rumors that had to be around.

 >> >

Soun accepted his friend's well wishes. It was more likely he would end

up

becoming a 'serial panty thief' than his parents allowing him to live

his

life in peace.

than his parents would allow him
(or, 'His becoming a 'serial panty thief was more likely than his

parents...')

Will change to the latter.

welfare, but Soun and his brother had learned the truth of the matter

long

ago. It was so low. If Soun ever had children, he would never try to

leach

off them that way. He would truly look out for their well being and try

to

set them up solely for their own good, rather than his. Of course, he

needed

to settle down before he could have children. And to do that, he would

need

a good woman whom he loved, and who loved him in return.

But this worked much better.

Thanks.

Michiru opened the folder and pulled out the picture, sliding it across

the

table and turning it so it was pointed correctly in Soun's direction.

The

photo was a close up of the face of a teenager, probably around Soun's

age,

with curly brown hair. She was pretty, rather than beautiful, even with

the

dour expression she wore. Easy on the eyes, but not the sort that if he

had

walked past her, he would have taken a second glance. The photograph

ended

right above the chest area, and he could tell she wore a formal, if

somewhat

sedate, kimono. Besides that, there was nothing notable about the girl,

nor

did he recognize her.

Nice difference in tone between this Soun and the later Soun.

People change over time.

"The gay bathhouse?!"

The use of 'that job' suggests that Genma already knows about it. So
his surprise or shock seems out of place.

Good point.

Minato laughed. Laughed at him. "Oh lord, I should have seen this one
coming."

Minato's emotions towards Soun seem a little out of place with her
initial appearance. On the other hand, she could just be a character
with actual depth :-), and/or this is a manifestation of the
unreliable narrator (Soun, who is going to be very sensitive right now
to being laughed at).

The rest of this is consistent with Soun imagining the contempt being
directed at him.

It is intentional on my part.I think it will become evident why later.

She hesitated a moment before explaining, "I'm making an exception today

for

an out-of-towner that's come by for a couple of days. I'm going to take
Friday off instead. Now you go on, get out of here," she insisted as she
grabbed him by the hand and tugged him toward the door.

And here she's lying, yes? (On the theory that she's been sitting in
her chair drinking sake for some time now, rather than entertaining
someone).

Yep. I think that one was a little more clear.

And so he left the building, leaving the first true love of his life

behind

forever.

What about Yukari? ;-)

Missing the reference this time.

All in all, an interesting serious moment. This adds a lot of
background to the characters, which background I think would be hard
to have integrated into one of the more normal chapters.

Yep. The way the information is being given is too serious to be included in
those, which are humor oriented. This is the best way to do it, IMO.

I look forward to the next part

FInished, but needs revising, then sent to the prereaders. So will still be
a while. Did revise one scene so far, 20 'Word' pages to continue with.

Thanks a lot for the comments. They were very helpful

DB Sommer

-- 
See http://www.geocities.com/elisteran for my work and links.
Any and all C&C appreciated.


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