And now for something completely different...

Continuity: This is an alternaverse. It is NOT a
single-point-of-divergence what-if; various things are changed
around incoherently for no reason other than that the story
works better that way. Characterization C&C is still very
welcome beyond the obvious changes (or when these are internally
inconsistent or unmotivated).

Pronouns: I use "he" (etc) for Ranma in either form; mainly
because there's no confusion regarding which she is she in
scenes with Ranma and Akane. Bodily, you can pretty much assume
he's female when not explicitly stated otherwise.

Disclaimer: Rumiko Takahashi made these characters up and boy
did she do a better job of it than I ever could. No infringement
and no disrespect intended by my blatant abuse of them. Buy
Takahashi stuff, it's good for you.

* * *

Tomboy
Some Ranma 1/2 trash by that hack, Ronny Hedin (thark@mangakai.org)

* * *

Ranma sighed, glad to have been able to put a symbolic end to
the sparring without having to lay hand upon the sweet yet
powerful flower that was Akane. He shrunk back briefly, tapping
his small, female index fingers against each other nervously,
then finally managed to gather his courage.

"Say, Akane," he asked, "do you have any... boy you're
interested in right now?" He smiled innocently, and - without
quite realizing it - looked at her with pleading eyes.

Not many young girls would have noticed that look from another
girl, but it wasn't lost on Akane. She felt intense frustration
over not even being able to lay hand on Ranma's lithe female
body during the sparring session, but Ranma's gaze pierced
through that frustration and penetrated her heart.

Akane blushed briefly, offering a bright smile for Ranma's
benefit before a look of annoyance came to her face.

"Oh, no," she said, and Ranma exhaled in relief. "I'm not
interested in boys; they're just immature, annoying scum. I hate
them." She put some extra emphasis on her words, to make sure
Ranma caught the message.

Despite that, Ranma did not quite realize the full extent of
said message; the not-so-subtle undertones escaped him. He did,
however, understand it well enough to feel despair come gnawing
at his heart.

* * *

Somewhat later, Ranma stood before a dilemma; a dilemma taking
the form of a well-sized bathtub full of steaming hot water.

Up to a few hours ago, he would have welcomed the chance to
return to his original male form (let alone a nice hot bath
after a tiresome day of hard exercise), but Akane's announcement
earlier had put doubts in his mind.

Of course, she would inevitably sooner or later find out about
his true nature. Some men - wiser men with better empathy,
perhaps - might have let her know straight away, since a lie
dragged out while inevitable hurt worse than one immediately
exposed.

Despite his many complexities, however, Ranma was at heart a
simple boy, who rarely stopped to consider tomorrow and beyond.
Immediate consequences he could grasp, and the immediate
consequences of Akane finding out his true gender would be that
she would hate and despise him as another immature, annoying
boy.

The solution, then, seemed obvious; as long as Akane believed
him a girl, she would remain his friend, and even if he wished
he could progress beyond friendship, it was certainly better
than dislike. Besides, it would at least buy him time to come up
with a better solution.

Thus, the dilemma; if he returned to his male form, it would
increase the risk of discovery. Even here in the bath, someone
might come in, by accident or on purpose, and that would be the
end of that.

It had taken Ranma some time to reach this point in his
thoughts, feminine brow furrowed. His mental process ground to a
halt as the bathroom door slid open and small feet softly
stepped in.

Ranma turned around and felt blood rush to his nose as Akane
rapidly removed her clothes, soon standing there the way God had
made her. He had to turn around as she reached for those too,
and his cheeks burned furiously, images of what he had already
seen dancing through his mind. Instinctively, he covered himself
up with his towel.

"Oh, you didn't go in yet?" Akane said, a twinge of
disappointment in her voice. "We better hurry before the water
starts going cold."

"Umm, umm..." Ranma stammered as images of him and Akane
entering together came unbidden to his mind, fueled by the looks
he had just gotten of her well-formed nude body. "You can go
ahead," he finally got out. "I had one earlier today."

"Oh, come on," Akane entreated. "You can take another, it's not
going to waste any extra water, and you must be sweaty after
that... even if you didn't have to try to hard..."

"Don't say that!" Ranma interjected immediately. "I mean, you
were really good, really, even if I was a little better. You had
me worried there for a minute, honestly. And besides, nobody is
as good as me, anyway, so you're still one of the best for even
trying."

"Uhh, okay, thanks," Akane said dubiously.

"Umm... But, anyway, I think, uhh... I suffer from an extremely
rare skin-condition that makes me sensitive to hot water. Yes,
that's it, that explains everything!" Not quite realizing that
he had blurted every word out loud, Ranma babbled on. "Yeah, so
I can't take a hot bath, it gives me these awful rashes like you
wouldn't believe."

"That sounds awful! Why didn't you say something?"

"Well... uhh, I didn't want to refuse your hospitality and all
and sound rude." Ranma sweated, hoping she wouldn't investigate
his explanation any closer.

"Oh, I see... I guess it can't be helped." Ranma's sigh of
relief lasted only to Akane's next words. "I wouldn't want to
take the hot water when you can't use it yourself, so let me put
some cold water in instead and we can go in together."

"What? Who? When? Why? What!?" Ranma sputtered. "That's no good,
I mean, uhh, I'll wait, I can always come back later, there's no
need to hurry."

"Come on, Ranma, there's no need to be shy. It's not like you
have a body to be embarrassed about." She reached out to fondle
one of his breasts, barely hiding a blush on her face. "I mean
just look at these, I wish I had a pair like that myself..."

If Akane barely hid her blush, Ranma hid his not at all, his
whole face going quite beet red. "Uhh, Akane, I wish you
wouldn't to that..."

Akane withdrew her hand quickly, the blush spreading more
obviously across her cheeks. "Oh, I'm sorry, now I'm being as
bad as my sister... But really, Ranma, it's all right, it's not
like I'm freezing or anything. Come on, I'll just empty out this
nasty hot water for you..."

She reached down for the plug, sticking her derriere in the air
in the process. Ranma got one good look, turned around, grabbed
his clothes, and ran off.
"I'msorryIjustrememberedanurgenterrandI'llbebacklaterbye!"

Akane watched him vanish around the corner, a frown on her face.
"Oh, pooh!"

* * *

"So, girls, as you can see, this is no mere circus animal, but
my dear old friend, Genma Saotome. Hot water returns him to his
true self."

"Hot water, old friend, not boiling, but otherwise correct. And
as you've probably guessed, this here is not my daughter,
but..."

"WHAT?" Ranma feigned anger. "You're not my father, and you
never told me? I'm just adopted? Well, that explains how you
treat me!"

Genma stared at him. "Did you hit your head one time too many,
Ranma? Of course I'm your father."

"Don't say such silly things then, old fart! I'm your daughter
and there's all there is to it." Ranma glared at his father.

His father glared back, and they leaned closer and closer until
finally their foreheads touched and sparks flew between their
eyes mere inches apart. "You better not be saying what I think
you're saying, 'daughter'! Life is at stake here!"

"Oh is that so? And since when did you ever care about my life,
huh?"

Genma looked away and turned to the three girls. "Now, listen, I
know Ranma sounds a bit confused, but it's just temporary.
There's no history of mental illness in the Saotome family, so
you don't need to worry. Ranma is my..."

In desperation Ranma grabbed his glass of water and flung it at
his father, who immediately transformed from blubbering man to
growling Panda.

"What's that, old man? Were you trying to say something? They
can't hear you! HAH!"

They resettled into their staring contest again, looking even
sillier now with the giant panda matched against the little
girl. Ranma smirked.

Kasumi put a hand to her cheek. "Father, do you know what this
is about?"

"I'm afraid not, my dear. Saotome never got around to telling
me."

Nabiki sighed. "I want some explanations here. I can't make a
profit from being kept in the dark." She left for the kitchen.

Panda and girl remained locked in their staring contest as
hissing sounds issued forth from the kitchen for a minute.
Nabiki soon returned bearing a pot of steaming hot water, and
headed for the two.

As soon as he got within range, Genma reached out and snatched
the pot from her hands, flinging it wide at his son.

Ranma cringed as the sprays of water flew towards him, closed
his eyes and... didn't get wet. As he looked up, Akane had
thrown herself between him and his panda-father. Genma held up a
sign saying "Curses, foiled again."

Akane looked down at him with worried eyes. "Are you all right?
You didn't get any on you, did you?"

Ranma blinked. "No, not a drop, I'm quite all right..."

Reassured, Akane turned to the panda. "And you! What sort of
father are you, trying to hurt your own daughter like this!" She
turned back to Ranma. "Come, let's get out of here and leave
this jerk to himself."

Genma growled.

* * *

Later, Genma sat alone in his room and pondered where he had
went wrong. He pondered the problem again and the gain, from
every angle, but just couldn't find a solution... That final
game of Go with So�n seemed hopeless. At least he'd been able to
break it off before the crushing defeat became reality.

The door opened, interrupting his deliberations, and Nabiki
stepped in. "So," she said, "tell me what you were saying
before."

She listened as he explained, with a nod here, an "I see" there,
and the occasional smirk. "Well well well, that's interesting,"
she concluded as the story came to an and.

"Oh, you believe me?"

"Of course. It's too stupid for even an idiot like you to make
up."

"Then you'll help convince the others?"

"Can you pay?"

"Huh? Pay?" Genma emptied his pockets, proving them very...
emptied. "I'm rather broke at the moment."

"None of my business then. A secret kept tends to be more
valuable than one explained."

She left again, mental wheels already spinning as she considered
how best to profit from this latest revelation. One thing seemed
certain though; the bigger a hole Ranma dug for her- or himself,
the more profitable the knowledge would no doubt be, which meant
that for now it would be in her interest to keep as few people
as possible aware of the information... As long as no
opportunity for a large immediate gain showed itself, of course.
And of course, it would also be more entertaining to watch him
squirm.

* * *

Ranma entered the room not much later, having finished his
strenuous workouts for the day, and Genma looked up at him. "So,
boy, what's the meaning of this? How long are you going to keep
up this masquerade?"

His son tried to look innocent. "Masquerade? I have noooo idea
what you're talking about."

"Don't feign oblivion with me, boy!" Genma sprang to his feet.
"You're no daughter and you know it very well!" Suddenly he
sweated as worries crept into his mind."You do, don't you?"

Ranma snorted. "Don't worry, old fart, I haven't hit my head
that hard yet, no thanks to you. I'm quite aware who and what I
am."

"Well then! What are you thinking? You can't marry one of
Tend�'s daughter and support me - I mean, fulfill your filial
duties, if they think you're a girl!"

"Hmph! There's only one girl I'm interested in."

"What's this? You better not have found yourself a girlfriend,
boy; your future is already set out for you!"

"Oh, don't worry, it's pretty damn one-sided. She wouldn't even
want to think of me as a man."

"Hah! Good!" Genma folded his arms across his chest. "Now, boy,
we're going to sleep, and tomorrow we're going to explain this
whole misunderstanding to the Tend�s and clear it up."

"That's what YOU think, old fart," Ranma murmured to himself.

* * *

A voice echoed through the darkness. "..an...a... ...anma..."

"Goddamit, old fart," Ranma muttered, "let me sleep at least a
bit longer."

"Ranma!" Gentle hands shook him. "It's time to wake up."

He blinked to clear his eyes to look up into an angelic face.
"Oh, Akane."

She smiled down at him. "Sleepy-head. It's time for school."

"School?" Ranma blinked. "Huh. I don't go to school."

"Oh yes you do," his fathers gruff voice butted in. "We've made
all the preparations to enroll you at the highschool Akane and
Nabiki are going to, so you better go there."

"Bah, whatever." Ranma half-rose, scratching his hair sleepily.
"So what's this school?"

"Furinkan Highschool," Akane told me. "It's not the greatest of
schools, but it's not too bad either, and it's within walking
distance."

Genma nodded. "And this is your uniform. Now get dressed already
or you'll end up late." He handed his son a folded heap of black
cloth.

Akane looked at in distaste. "That's a BOY's uniform!"

Genma blinked at her. "Yes?"

"You can't make the poor girl wear a BOY's uniform! She'd never
be able to bear the shame!"

"Umm, Akane, it's all right..." Ranma tried, but the girl had
already left the room with hurried steps and couldn't hear him.

She soon returned, bearing another heap of clothes, this one
more colorful. "Here, Ranma, this is my old spare uniform, I'm
sure it will fit you reasonable well. Try it on!"

She got it on him more or less by force. Ranma and Genma
observed the result in a mirror with equal horror. "It's very...
cute, isn't it?" Ranma said hesitantly.

"Yes, isn't it?" Akane agreed. "You look just perfect in it!"

"Umm... Akane, I'm not really sure... Uh, I mean, I can't borrow
it from you like this, it wouldn't be right! I'll make do with
the one my father got, really!"

He reached for the boy's uniform, but Akane slapped his hand
away. "No, no, don't need to worry about that, I'm delighted to
see you wear it, really!"

"Is that so." Ranma hung his head in resignation.

"Curses, foiled again," Genma muttered to himself as they left.

* * *

Ranma observed the devastation spread across the schoolyard,
devastation caused by a cute little disaster by the name of
Akane Tend�.

"Well, she's... active, that's... good," he told himself.

A final boy approached, with a swaggering walk and a bokken in
his hand. He looked over the fallen boys with a snort. "Hmph.
Truly a boorish lot." His eyes fell on Ranma, standing by
Akane's side. "But! Who is this vision of beauty? I have not
seen this flower here before, for surely I would have remembered
doing so!"

Glaring at Kun�, Akane spoke up before Ranma could do so. "This
is Ranma Saotome, and you better stay away from her; she's my
FIANCEE!" Akane turned and kissed him full on the lips.

Kun� watched, petrified.

The defeated boys watched, petrified.

Ranma's eyes bulged. He was petrified.

Akane broke the kiss and skipped off towards the entrance with a
smile on her face, giggling. Breaking out of his stupor, Ranma
followed her quickly, just in case the others came to their
senses too.

_Just what the hell was that about?_ he thought to himself.

* * *

The nameless teacher coughed. None of the students, even the
good ones, ever really listened to or paid much attention to
him, or even remembered him once they'd taken two steps outside
the classroom, but today he got some slight attention, or rather
the cute girl beside him did.

He coughed again. "Ahem. Everyone, as you can no doubt guess, we
have a new transfer student in our class. This is Ranma Saotome,
recently of..." He raffled through his papers, scratched his
head and shrugged. "Hm, Tsukou Boys Junior... uh, nevermind
that. Anyway, I hope you'll all get along and all that. Umm, the
seat next to Akane Tend� over there appears to be free."

Ranma walked down the classroom nervously, every eye on him. He
tried straightening out his skirt, but that only focused his
mind on his embarrassing clothing - a SKIRT, for gods sake.

A long-haired, somewhat androgynous-looking boy sat in the seat
behind his, and as he approached the boy glared at Ranma through
thinly veiled eyes.

Not one to back down, Ranma glared back before sitting down.
"What's your problem?"

The boy shot a glance at Akane. "Like you don't know," he
hissed. "Hussy. And I don't like that name, either." It wasn't a
very deep voice, but then puberty come late to some.

Perplexed, Ranma shrugged and decided to drop the matter for the
time being.

* * *

Finally, at long last, the bell signaled lunchtime.

Akane flashed Ranma as smile. "I usually eat outside, you wanna
come?"

"Umm. I've got some stuff to finish. You go on ahead, I'll be
right there."

The long-haired boy started after Akane as she left, but Ranma
stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Now will you explain what
this is about? I never even met you."

The boy sniffed. "Hmph. I knew another Ranma Saotome once. That
one was a boy, though. He broke my heart and ruined my life, and
just as I'm getting over it, here you come, another Ranma
Saotome, acting all cute and girly, and all my efforts to be
anything but seem to have been for naught!"

Ranma scratched his head. "Umm, you wouldn't be, uh..."

"I'm Uky� Kuonji. So you ARE related to the other Ranma, you
little hussy?"

"Yes, that's... Uh, I mean..." He shook his head fervently. "No
relation, never met him, never even heard of him, and never saw
you before either! It's all a coincidence!"

Uky� eyed him suspiciously. "Is that so? And I suppose there's
nothing between you and Akane either, that's just another
coincidence?"

"Uhh... We're just living together is all..."

"WHAT!?" Uky� rose to his full height immediately, and grabbed
Ranma by his shirt. "I'll never you forgive you! You hear that?
Never!"

Akane poked her head in. "Ranma? Are you done yet?"

Immediately, Uky� released him, folding his arms across his
chest. "Just so you know," she hissed, "this isn't over yet. I
don't give up that easily."

* * *

"So," Akane said in-between bites, "what were you and Uky�
talking about?"

"Uh, nothing special, nothing at all really." Ranma felt a drop
of sweat form at the back of his head. "Umm. Are you and he good
friends?"

Akane shrugged. "Not really. I mean, not more than any other
classmates. He hasn't been here for very long, either. Actually
that long-haired pretty-boy look kinda pisses me off. I really
don't like boys who try to come off as girls. Umm..." She
fidgeted. "You agree of course, don't you?"

"Uh... Yeah, of course!" Ranma nodded fervently. "I have no
interest in boys, none whatsoever, that much's for certain"

Akane shone up like a light. "Good!"

That left Ranma with many questions he *wanted* to ask, but none
he was quite sure how to put forth or confident enough to do so,
and he remained quiet for a while.

He was saved - dubious save though it was - by a familiar
bokken-wielding shape; Tatewaki Kun� approached the two with
bold steps. "If it is not the twin beauties of Furinkan high,
Akane Tend� and the mysterious pigtailed girl!"

"Mysterious?" Ranma whispered to Akane, who merely shrugged in
return.

"Alas," Kun� proceeded, paying them no attention, "after being
confronted with such a radiant vision of beauty I was stunned
and lacked words. Ever since, I have been locked in thought,
wrestling with my feelings."

"Wrestling with buckets of water, judging by those hands," Akane
interjected.

"At any rate," Kun� persisted, taking even less notice, "after
seeing such a deeply moving display of pure, sisterly love and
affection, I realized it would be heartless of me to steal Akane
Tend� alone away, leaving the poor mysterious pigtailed girl
alone and uncomforted. Therefore, in the greatness of my heart,
I shall take you both as mine, and love you equally!" He beamed
a smile that he must have intended to be warm and loving, but
came across as sickening more than anything.

Ranma stared at him, lacking words to properly express her
feelings on his announcement. Akane, however, could phrase them
quite well for her. "FILTHY PERVERT SCUM!" A fierce uppercut
punctuated the words, and Kun� sailed for the sky.

She sighed. "I guess lunch break is about to come to an end.
We'll have to go back to class."

* * *

Having heated a pot of water, Genma poured it over himself, and
felt his features return to their original handsome form. "Aah,
'tis good to be a man again. Now for a snack..."

He reached for a cupboard. The moment he opened it, a glass of
water that had been balancing on the edge fell down and splashed
him wet and furry.

"Growl."

* * *

Genma splashed himself with hot water. "Finally," he grumbled,
and stepped in the direction of the yard were So�n was waiting.
He failed to notice a piece of string drawn across the doorway
at ankle-height, stumbled, rolled several times to soften the
fall, and landed head first in the koi pond.

"Growl."

* * *

Looking carefully for anything that might interrupt or reverse
his transformation, Genma set the showed to maximum hot water
and turned the faucet on. He sighed in relief as he once again
became a man.

A second later, a pipe sprang a leak, showering him in cold
water again.

"Growl."

* * *

As the family sat down to dinner that evening, Genma remained in
his furry form.

"Oh, uncle Saotome," Kasumi said, "do you want me to heat you
some water?"

The panda held up a sign. "Don't bother."

Nabiki smiled brightly. "Seconds, anyone?"

* * *

The next morning, as Akane and Ranma entered the schoolyard,
they faced a horde of boys, each and everyone sporting weapons
and equipment of some kind and generally looking menacing (in
addition to pathetic). Without counting, Ranma could tell their
numbers had increased since the previous day; possibly doubled.

Akane surveyed them in the moment of calm before the storm.
"This is every boy in school," she observed. "Just what the hell
is wrong with you people? Are you that desperate to be beaten
up, you sick bastards?"

A boy in the front row scratched his hair and shrugged. "Well, I
haven't been parcipitating in these fights before, you know,
seeing as how we always get our asses kicked, but, well... With
the chance for a two-in-one here with both you and Ranma as
prizes, I figure it's worth some bruises. After all, you never
know what might happen."

Twin fires lit behind Akane's eyes, burning bright and strong.
"I am not," she said, and even the hardened veterans among the
boys quivered at her voice, "not not NOT letting any one of you
perverts lay as much as a finger on Ranma, you got that."

"Umm, Akane, thanks, but I can defend myself," Ranma added,
mildly indignant.

The moment was over and the storm broke.

Akane struck left, then right, then left again; every blow
felled an opponent. More often than not, the sound of bones
breaking echoed across the field. Despite her apparent
effectiveness, however, Ranma could tell she put too much energy
in each blow. Before the ranks of their erstwhile enemies had
thinned to half, Akane already breathed heavily and her movement
had begun to slow down visibly.

While still beating down anyone who approached with small,
effective movements, Ranma moved in to support her and slung her
arm across his shoulder.

Akane smiled in thanks. "You don't have to, Ranma. I can take
care of myself."

"Nonsense. Gotta protect the we... I mean, it's the least I can
do for you."

Seeing an opportunity, the remaining boys moved in for the kill.
The swift, violent movement kicked up a cloud of dust that
obscured the fight, and the spectators could only gasp and wait
for the result.

In every window, girls gasped and held their breath as the dust
settled, slowly, slowly, until eventually... they could see
Ranma and Akane standing over the fallen bodies of their
enemies.

They started for the school entrance, but one foe still
remained, approaching from the shadow were he had watched in
silence until that moment.

"Hmph. Truly a boorish lot," observed Tatewaki Kun�.

"Says boor number one," Ranma muttered to Akane.

Kun� paid him no heed. "Akane Tend�! Pig-tailed girl! Alas, my
sweet ones, I fear we must part for I while. I have reflected on
my shortcomings as man and person, and I must conclude that even
I, Tatewaki Kun�, age 17, rising star of the kendo world and
blue thunder of Furinkan High, am not yet man enough for two
divine angels of your stature!"

"Did you follow that?" Akane remarked to Ranma.

"Nope."

Undaunted, he continued. "I thus announce, I shall be leaving
forthwith on a mission of training and personal growth, and
return when satisfied as a greater, stronger man. A man worthy
and able of sharing equally the love of you both; capable of
embracing one of you without slighting the other.

"So, I depart. Know that while this parting may bring you
sorrow, it is merely a temporary one, for I shall soon again
return to once again fill your hearts with joy. You must steel
your maidenly hearts again the loneliness you will feel, knowing
that it is but temporary."

He stalked off.

They stared after him.

"What was that all about?"

"No idea, but basically, he won't be around for a while, right?
That can't be a bad thing."

"Good point."

* * *

As Ranma was about to rise for lunch, he looked up to see Uky�
towering over his desk.

"Hmph." Uky� looked down on him over her raised nose. "Ranma
Saotome, none of your name could be worthy of the company of
Akane Tend�."

Ranma's eyes thinned. "Oh yeah? And that's any of your business,
pal?"

"Hmph. None of your excuses." Uky� slapped a palm onto his desk.
"Ranma Saotome, I challenge you to a formal duel, to take place
tomorrow after school! Then, we'll learn once and for all what
sort of woman you are!"

"Hey!" Akane slapped Uky�'s hand away. "Ranma has no reason to
answer your challenge, and besides, she's promised to come
clothes-shopping with me tomorrow."

"A true martial artist answers any challenge! Sunday noon then,
if tomorrow is out. That will give you plenty of time to prepare
- or run away, like your namesake."

Ranma rose. "I have never run away from a challenge, and I'll be
happy to accept yours, pal." Sparks flew as they stared into
each other's eyes.

* * *

As they sat down to dinner that evening, Akane laid a hand on
Ranma's shoulder. "Listen, Ranma, you don't have to fight that
guy just because he challenged you. Not that I think you'd lose,
but it's ridiculous, anyway; who ever heard of a man challenging
a woman to a formal duel?"

Genma snorted. "The heir to the Saotome school will answer any
challenge! And besides..." Hastily, he grabbed his tea-mug and
splashed it's content at Ranma.

Nothing happened.

Genma stared in shock at his son, now wet but still
daughter-like.

"Hmm," Kasumi said, breaking the silence, "this tea is cold."

Nabiki scratched the back of her head. "Oh, sorry about that.
I'll remember to heat next time."

* * *

Ranma looked at himself in the booth mirror. A quick splash of
hot water from a thermos had restored his original, handsome
male features (not that he didn't consider himself a beauty in
either form), and a decent selection of well-fitting clothes
from the store did for the rest.

_Okay, this is my chance,_ he thought. _Akane went out. I need
to talk to her without anything to connect me to myself._

After a quick stop by the counter to pay a confused clerk - who
never saw that guy come in - he rushed to the streets. It only
took a brief search through the neighborhood to locate his
target; Akane Tend�, heading home.

Ranma circled the block quickly and came out around a corner
just in front over. He brushed a hand through his hair and
flashed a sparkling smile. "Hello there, Akane."

She blinked at him. "Do I know you?"

"Well of curse you... don't, I suppose. My name is Ranma... ru,
yes, that's it, Ranmaru. I have heard of you from... my distant
cousin, Ranma Saotome."

"Oh?" Akane shone up. "Ranma talks about me? What does she say?"

"Oh, uh, good things only, she thinks the world of you, really."

Akane's smile could have lit up the sky.

"So, uh, I was wondering, umm... Would you maybe perhaps
consider going out with me this..."

"Hmph. So that's what this is about, huh? I'll soon change your
mind about that." Akane snorted, taking a battle stance.

"Now, listen, Akane, I don't want to fight you..."

"Is that so?" She leapt at him, fist first. "Go away, you BOY!"

The fight was brief; a dozen attacks that struck only air forced
Akane to realize that she just couldn't touch him. This boy was
better than even Ranma...

Suddenly, without her even seeing him move, he stood behind her
and patted her head. "Okay, do you admit defeat? It'd be kinda
pointless to continue this."

Akane sank to her knees, tears in her eyes. "You can't have
beaten me... It would mean... No..." She covered her eyes with
her hands.

Ranma froze in mid-step, the comforting arm he had intended to
lay on her shoulder shaking. "Uh... Uh..." Not knowing what to
say or do, he fled the scene... A strategic retreat, awaiting
better opportunities and ideas.

* * *

Akane did not speak with him again that evening, not next
morning at breakfast.

"Ranma, I met this boy, Ranmaru, who said he was your cousin...
is that true?"

"Cousin?" Genma butted in. "Ranma doesn't have any cousins that
I know of."

"So that was a lie? I figured as much... Thank God. I knew you
wouldn't associate with that awful... boy."

Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Uh, right, yeah."

* * *

At lunch-break that day, Ranma took a drink of cold water at the
faucets behind the gym building.

As Ranma wiped the water from his face with the sleeve of his
shirt, Genma stood hidden on the roof above, a pot of hot water
in his hand an a smirk on his face. "Hah! I still know the art
of the quiet thief well enough to get here unnoticed," he
whispered to himself, and emptied the pot onto his son/daughter
below.

Ranma screamed in surprise as the hot water transformed his
features and rendered them male. At his scream, Akane came
looking around the corner. "Ranma? Did you... YOU!"

She stared at him. "So, 'Ranmaru', molesting innocent young
girls isn't enough? Now you dress up in girl clothes too? DIE,
PERVERT!"

Taken by surprise, Ranma ran. Akane followed him close behind,
brandishing whatever nearby blunt instruments she could lay her
hands on, including some bolted down, and he ducked and weaved
to avoid major injury.

A thrown large armchair - and just where did she grab an
armchair in the schoolyard, anyway? - gave Ranma the chance to
escape; he hid himself behind it as it sailed past, and jumped
off around a corner, vanishing over the roof of a building
before Akane could figure out what just happened.

* * *

Genma sneaked of the school-grounds somewhat less sneakily than
he came in, muttering to himself. "Damn, if only she'd been
there five seconds earlier she woulda' seen the whole thing."

He never noticed the student eating her lunch by the school
gate. She, however noticed him. "GENMA SAOTOME!"

He froze. "Uh, yes? I mean, uhh, I never even heard of him, but
in case I run into him I could take a message, so who are you?"

"Hmph." Uky� snorted. "I could recognize your ugly mug anywhere,
you lying, thieving scoundrel... And in case that look on your
face doesn't mean you recognize me, the name Uky� Kuonji should
bring back a few memories."

Genma scratched the back of his head innocently. "I don't have
the slightest idea what you're talking about, gi- I mean, boy."

He tried to walk past, but she grabbed his arm. "Sure you don't,
Genma. Now, it can hardly be a coincidence that you're here, so
you better explain yourself. What's the deal with the two
Ranmas?"

At first sweat formed on the back of Genma's bald head, hidden
by the cloth covering it, but a moment later, a bulb lit up in
his brain. _This is another chance to expose everything._ "Now,
listen well, Uky�. There is only one Ranma Saotome. Only one
Ranma Saotome, and that's the Ranma you knew as a child. Do you
understand?"

Uky�'s arm fell slack to her side. "I... understand."

"Good." Genma smirked, and ran off hurriedly in case she decided
to grab him again. _Now the truth is out._

Uky� took her forehead in her hand. "So... Ranma was a girl all
along?" She touched her bound chest with her other hand.
"Then... Maybe all this was fate..."

She shrugged. "The truth will be known on Sunday."

* * *

Ranma slept, the peaceful sleep of those innocent or simply to
stupid to realize the full depth of their guilt.

Genma did not sleep. Instead he stood poised above currently
somewhat daughterly son with a bucket of water in his hand, a
smirk on his lips.

_Perfect!_ he thought to himself. _For once my failure to bring
my boy up properly will work for me rather than against me. Lazy
as he is - unlike me - Ranma will inevitably end up sleeping
later than anyone else in the house, and when he wakes up, he will
have to leave the room to go for hot water, and on the way someone
will spot him!_

Realizing that he looked a bit silly standing there in his
pajamas ranting mentally, he slowly and cautiously poured the
water over Ranma, waiting to confirm that the change did indeed
take place.

It did, and he looked on his handiwork with satisfaction.

_Now all I have to do is not accidentally wake him up._

He lay down on his bed and promptly began to snore heavily.

* * *

But alas, Ranma would not get that full night of uninterrupted
sleep, for his father was not the only one who sneaked in the
dark.

Ever-so-carefully, Akane pushed the door to the room open,
tip-toed inside, and closed it again behind her. She started
for where she remembered Ranma's mattress to be, stubbed her toe
against the father's bed, stumbled, fell flat across Genma's back,
rolled back onto her feet, scraped her fingers against the ceiling
standing back up, and cursed to herself. The last part, at least,
she managed to do silently.

She froze. Not a sound in the room, except for Genma's steading
snores. "Well thank God for sound sleepers," she said, smacked
her palm against her forehead when she realized she had said it
out loud, realized that was rather noisy too, and just sighed.

Having now at least managed to stumble her way through to
Ranma's sleeping form, she proceeded with her original plan,
which was to sneak into Ranma's bed for some cuddling.

Ranma did not wake up as she lifted the sheet and slid in. Ranma
did not wake up as she snaked an arm over and across his chest to
rest around his body. Ranma did not wake up as she grew even bolder
and caressed his... rough-hewn masculine chest.

Ranma did wake up as she grabbed him by the lapels, rose, and
banged his head several times against the ceiling, creating several
somewhat ominous-looking cracks that would much later cause
So�n to shake his head sadly and mutter something about poor
construction.

He looked down on her with a yawn. "Uh? Huh? Oh, hi, Akane." He
scratched the back of his head sleepily. "Fancy meeting you, uh,
wherever this is. Awful dark in here."

Akane steamed, almost literally. For one moment Ranma contemplated
frying breakfast eggs on her forehead, but he wasn't quite hungry
yet, and anyway did not have any eggs at hand.

"Ranmaaaaaruuuu..." she hissed. "You, you, you pervert! You deviant!
You STALKER! How dare you sneak into or house! Sneak into a poor
innocent girl's bed while she's asleep!"

Ranma held up a pointed right index finger. "But, uh, didn't you
do that too?" he suggested weakly.

Akane stopped. "Oh yeah, you're right... Uh, I mean." It took a
moment to work up the steam again, but only a moment. "DIE YOU
FREAK!

She flung him through the window and watched him sail away
across the city-line. So�n would later look at the broken window
and mutter about the exorbitant costs glass-makers charged these
days.

Afraid that she might scare Ranma off if the other girl spotted
her in her enraged state, Akane stomped off to cool her own
bedroom.

* * *

'Tomorrow after school' arrived.

"So, uh," Ranma said, "I had been hoping for more of a private
duel, you know. Who informed all these people?"

Uky� looked at the crowd nervously. "Well I'm afraid I rather
spread the news before I found out that... Well... I kinda
wanted as many people as possible see me trounce you, that sort
of thing."

"But some of these people aren't even from this school!" Ranma
protested. "I saw a TV camera before."

Somewhere in the audience, Nabiki whistled innocently, counting
a wad of cash.

Uky� shrugged. "Shall we get this over with?"

"Right. But I warn you, Ranma Saotome never loses in front of
an audience!" He blinked. "Err, I mean, ever!"

* * *

The fight raged back and forth. Actually, more forth than back.
"Come on," Ranma complained, "I can tell you're holding back!
It makes me look bad!"

Uky� blocked his every strike with her mini-spatulas, but did
not take the invitation for hitting back he deliberately left
open. "But I don't want to scratch your pretty... I mean, look,
I'm just not sure..."

Ranma sighed. "Okay, fine, you're not comfortable with getting
your ass kicked before a large crowd, we can deal with that."

He hopped off, taking the high road away from the spectators.
Confused, Uky� leapt after them.

The fight raged across the rooftops and the alleys, the streets
and the back yards, but still he could tell Uky� was not giving
it her all. "Fight me!" he cried. "You got me all worked up for
nothing!"

"But I just don't hate you the way I used to!" she protested.

"Then," said Ranma, "I will make you!"

Almost too fast for the eye to follow, striking with single
fingers a series of select spots on Uky�'s body in a pattern
known since the very dawn of martial arts as one of the three
most embarrassing attacks known to man.

Having trained long and hard, he executed it perfectly. A button
plopped off Uky�'s shirt, then another, then they all followed
like dominos, down to the button on her pants. Her shirt fell
open and her pants dropped to her ankles.

Ranma crossed his arms to admire his handiwork, admire... the
tightly bound breasts struggling to bust free and the dainty
little panties?

He stared.

Uky� blushed and tried to cover herself up with her arms,
turning slightly to the side. "Well..." she ventured. "Now you
know."

"You're a girl," observed Ranma.

"To my shame," Uky� nodded, "I am. I haven't been saving for long
and it's still so expensive to... But nevermind that." She grabbed
one of his hands in hers, shaking it fervently. "Ranma, you will
protect my secret, won't you? You won't tell anyone that I'm a
girl."

Powerless to resist those pleading eyes, Ranma nodded. "I guess
I will. Don't worry, we Saotomes are famous for being tight-lipped.
Or was that tight-wadded? Anyway, I promise I won't tell anyone."

He walked off, hands behind his back. "Still," he offered as a
parting remark, "it's a damn shame for a cute girl like yourself
to walk around dressed as a boy."

Uky� started at him mutely as he walked away. "Maybe," she
whispered to himself when he was gone, "maybe it was fate at
work after all."

* * *

And so, the following day, Ranma and Uky� laughed and joked like
old friends. It was Uky� who had approached him at the beginning
of the recess, offering a remark about the previous teacher's
lack of hair, and Ranma compared him to his bald father.

>From there on it progressed, one rude joke or insult followed by
another, until they were laughing and slapping each others'
backs; Ranma with innocent amusement, but Uky� with a predatory
gleam of sorts in her eye.

"Well," said Uky� after a while, "I need to get going, I have
some other stuff to take care of. I'll talk to you later, right?"

"Right," nodded Ranma.

Akane approached, staring daggers at Uky�'s retreating back.
"Soooo," she ventured eventually, "I see you're being good friends
with Uky�."

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Ranma shrugged. "She... uh, he's a great guy
when you get used to him, really."

Akane fidgeted. "You're not interested in that... boy, are you?"

She never got her answer. Another girl from the class peeked in
through the classroom door, waving at them. "YO, RANMA! Come!"

They walked up to her. "What's the matter?"

The girl smirked. "You're boooooyyyyfriend is looking for you."

Akane stared at Ranma, balancing between despondent desperation
and jealous fury. Ranma stared at Akane in simple confusion.
"Huh?" he ventured. "Who?"

The girl shrugged in response. "There's a guy shouting for you
at the gate. Nobody from around here, but he looks like quite
the babe if you're into the rugged type."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES
--------------
Unfinished, but posting anyway since I've reached a bit of an
impasse. I know how this will end, in fact with what exact
words, but not quite what will happen on the way.

Inspiration: Donny Cheng's Lesbian 1/2. This fic is on a
somewhat similar topic, but not QUITE as over-the-top,
gratuitous and single-minded. I could never beat ol' DC at his
own game, anyway. I _do_ treat homosexuality as a comedic
element, which may offend some people. ^_^;;

---
May you be eaten at a great age and only by your strongest offspring.
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://i99ronhe.island.liu.se/

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