I'll tell you the truth, after AnimeCentral this year, Konatsu-chan and I
were All Fired UpT.  What with the reception Chiyo-no-chichi got - and with
so little preparation time and effort, relatively speaking - we thought
that, given a little tailwind, we could easily put together Azumanga school
uniforms to go with him.  I even scoured the web to find out if school-issue
swimsuits might be available for public sale (they aren't, so far as I've
found - if anyone knows otherwise, I'd appreciate knowing).

But that was April and May.  Somewhere along the way, something happened.

Maybe it was the now-biennial family vacation taken by the now-prosperous
clan Kuonji.  You all have heard how, when I was a kid, how that yatai was
almost all our family had in the world; that wasn't that far off from the
truth.  But these days, Dad's business has been flourishing, now that I and
Jen-imouto-chan are out of the house (hmm, maybe there's a connection
there).  And among other things, he takes the whole family - all eight of
us, now, including the grandkids - on rather extravagant vacations, the kind
he couldn't when we were growing up.

Maybe it was the vacation time Konatsu took shortly after returning from the
last trip.  My kunoichi has gone with clan Kenzan to the islands every year
since time immemorial.  This year, the elders of the clan had decided to
forego the annual trek, but my kunoichi would have none of it.  So with only
a week's preparation, Konatsu assembled everything necessary to make the
sojourn *without* the elders.  I hardly need to mention that week was a
rather frantic one.

Maybe it was all the time I've been spending at Furinkan these days.  One
does not live on okonomi-yaki alone, and while Konatsu minds the Ucchan, I
do some administrative work for Kunou-kouchou for the odd paycheck.  Turns
out, the dictates of the school board are more than enough to make anyone
crazy.  Not that he really *is*; turns out it's just an act, and he's good
enough at it so that the board are afraid to approach him.  So he's
generally left to his own devices, and that's the way he likes it.  Good
thing, too... their policies are almost right out of a Dilbert cartoon.

(As long as I've brought that up, though, and not to steal any thunder from
Bob Schroeck's "You're a Good Man, Ryouga Brown" proposal, I have to admit,
*I'd* get a kick out of seeing what Scott Adams might have made of us Ranma
characters.  Maybe set it ahead a bit, where Ran-chan is out of school and
needs to get a job.  He chooses engineering, since the male-to-female ratio
is so high - this way, he can avoid any female contact for at least eight to
ten hours daily.  Well, almost; Akane makes a pretty good Alice, with the
whole "must... control... Fist of Death..."  Genma is lazy enough to pass
for Wally - Kami knows he'd make for a poor Dogbert - and Soun makes a
reasonable Loud Howard, between his demon head trick and his crying jags.
Of course, either of them is idiotic enough to be the Pointy-Haired Boss,
too.  Me?  I'd settle for a variation of the whole genius garbageman role,
as a short-order cook at the local diner, or maybe my own cart that shows up
outside the office during lunch hour.  After all, Ran-chan would need
SOMEbody to haul his ass outta the fire, ne?  ^_^ )

But I digress.

***

The long and short of it is, we've been so preoccupied with other stuff that
ANY preparations for AnimeIowa have gone completely by the boards.  Not only
does that include any cosplay ideas, it scrubs plans we'd had to sign up for
the Gold Membership, and a corresponding report about what it would be like
to view the convention from a first-class seat.  Of course, it's *possible*
they'll let us upgrade once we get there...

Even worse, by the time I contact the hotel in the middle of July, the place
is booked solid.  Oh no!  This *never* happens to us!  Granted, the walk
from the hotel next door (which *does* have rooms available) is probably
shorter than that from our room at the Hyatt during ACen - especially to the
dealers' room - but at the very least, it's rather embarrassing, and at
worst, it makes carting our okonomi-yaki fixings extremely difficult.

It's at this point that my kunoichi suggests asking my sempais for help.
It's no slur on them that I don't expect much; they're every bit as busy as
we are, I understand, and the most likely candidate as far as organizational
skills (and for that matter, ties to the convention) is a local, and
wouldn't have any *need* for a room.  Or so I think.  Nevertheless, when I
send out my petition, it is Dave-sempai who rides to an improbable rescue.
Evidently, being a volunteer (which he is to a rather extreme extent)
requires more proximity to the con that his apartment provides.  What with
us and James-sempai crashing with him in the room, at least it's not a major
expense for him to do so.

Dave-sempai also provides us with some interesting scuttlebutt just before
the convention, too: evidently, there's talk of the convention actually
having to turn people away at the door if it gets too crowded.  Granted,
being pre-registered (at least that's *one* thing we didn't forget to do),
we have no worries in this regard, but it's a weird thing to contemplate.
AnimeIowa, too big?  Even though it's one-fifth the size of ACen?

The fact that the hotel's booked solid should be an indication.  There are,
to my understanding, no larger hotels in Iowa in which to hold this thing.
Keep in mind that the state has fewer people than the city of Chicago alone,
and you understand why AI is approaching 'too big' status.

I probably flatter myself to think my glowing reviews don't help matters...

***

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22

Departure never goes as smoothly as one hopes it will.  What with staying up
late preparing several gallons of batter (every year it seems we make that
much more), I don't even manage to wake up until after 8am - normally by
this time of day, I'd already be at Furinkan.  Then, between the coolers and
the suitcases, it takes us several hours to pack everything up to the point
where we're ready to leave.

Dan-chan's none too happy about being left with 'Meema' and 'Poppa' (and a
special guest this morning, his cousin JoVi) for the weekend.
Unfortunately, it's not for the reason you might hope: our son is not in
danger of becoming a next-generation otaku.  In fact, he's been asking us
from time to time all week "Why do you like anime so much, anyway?"  Having
watched as much of the stuff as he has, and even having been to last year's
AnimeIowa, it's at that point where if he haas to ask, he'll never know.

Personally, I think his real upset is over this being his last weekend
before school starts, and the fact that we're not with him during that.  Not
that he does much with us as it is; he spends a lot of time playing this
game or that on the computer.  But he'd rather be home doing that than
anywhere else, I suppose.  The grandparents would rather he *not* spend so
much time in front of a screen, after all.

***

We're well into Iowa before it occurs to Konatsu that we've forgotten to
pack a serving spoon.  Not only that, but I've left behind the cables we use
to connect the laptop to the hotel television.  So our stopover in Iowa City
unfolds from a five-minute drive through for lunch into a three-stop
hour-long scavenger hunt.

This is NOT going according to plan.  Gendo Ikari, I am obviously not.

I am not looking forward to the possibility of missing the opening
ceremonies *again*.  But as it turns out, we don't have to.  For one, Iowa
City is closer to Cedar Rapids than I originally feared.  For another, the
official opening doesn't take place until six - and we've managed to wheel
in just after four.  Plenty of time to check in, get our stuff in the room,
and still have some time left over to kill.

As with AnimeCentral, the line for pre-registration is long, but in
comparison, not unreasonable.  Konatsu holds our place while I collect keys
to Dave-sempai's hotel room for us, and by the time I return, we're almost
there.  MC-For-Life Charles Peale wanders by, and we chat him up a bit.
He's as amazed as anyone about the constantly swelling turnout - apparantly,
we're past 1400 thus far, and counting - and this with absolutely zero
advertisement.  It also turns out I'm wrong about the Collins Plaza being
the largest hotel in Iowa, or even Cedar Rapids.  In fact, AI has actually
been held at a larger hotel; but considering all the behind-the-scenes
problems that particular convention had, it's no wonder Charles states
"Never.  Again."  I probably shouldn't go into details in a public forum,
but as he tells us, it was a really bad scene.

Once equipped with standard badges, I slide over to the regular registration
section in an attempt to upgrade ourselves to sponsors.  Konatsu is doubtful
that we can do this, but I figure why *wouldn't* they want our money?  Turns
out my kunoichi's right: sponsorship registration closed with pre-reg about
a month ago or so.  Well, another part of our plan scuttled.

Well, you know what they say: when the going gets tough, the tough go
shopping.  And seeing as I've got all this extra cash I'd intended to use
for the upgraded registration, we're in good shape to invade the dealers'
room in force.  After a short wait - they've got volunteers outside the
room, not only to check badges and prevent shoplifting, but also to limit
the number of people in the room (fire codes and all that, don'tcha know) -
we get in there and promptly double our collections of Lupin and KareKano
manga, not to mention a fair number of DVDs.  So much for the upgrade money.

We stop by the Ironcat table, where Steve Bennett is sketching more
industriously than I've ever seen him.  He does take the time to greet us,
and he expresses disappointment that we've brought tonkatsu sauce from home,
thus precluding him from demonstrating how to prepare it.  For once, we
don't find anything to purchase at his table; all I've been collecting is
Futaba and Ogenki (odd combination, that), and I'm apparantly up-to-date on
their titles.

***

It's a leisurely turn through the room (well, as leisurely as possible given
the press of the crowd.  At least you don't feel like you have to watch your
purse or wallet all the time), and then on to the main room next door for
the opening ceremonies and Charles' monologue, which I look forward to even
more than those of, say, Leno or Letterman.  He's what either of them might
have been like had they been otaku.  Granted, he's more a con organizer than
an anime otaku proper, but you have to be a special type of otaku to be so
involved in conventions like he is.

"We are here," he says, "to celebrate anime - and the weirdos like us who
enjoy it."  That about sums up the philosophy of this convention - and
ideally, of *every* anime convention.  For those newcomers to AnimeIowa -
which does not include us, or any of the readers of these report, but *does*
include some three hundred people already - he points out that this "is not
your father's convention - we do not make a profit from this."  Yes,
AnimeIowa is a corporate entity, one that recently merged with the company
that runs several midwestern sci-fi and fantasy conventions ("It was a
lovely ceremony," Charles sobs, leading Konatsu to whisper about what the
consummation must have been like), but it's a non-profit corporation.  As
such, AI is not beholden to any major anime producers or distributors; it's
as close to freedom as you can get.

Of course, freedom doesn't come cheap, as he makes the customary appeal for
volunteers.  Granted, the present volunteer staff already outnumber the
total *attendance* at the original Animeiowa, but there will always be
needs.  Besides, as he points out, it's a way to meet interesting people -
"You didn't come here to meet *boring* people, after all."  For his part,
he's been at this sort of thing in one capacity or another for 20 years,
"and only once did I need to get a restraining order on someone... and it
was a real pity, 'cause she was really cute, too."  He does make it clear
that there is no *requirement* to volunteer: "You have the right to say
'no,'" he points out, although he he admits that in his case, "my ability to
say 'no' was shot off in 1985..."

There are other freedoms that must be curtailed here, and Charles lays down
the law once again about weapons. "even if they're made of cardboard, don't
swing them around."  It's like running with scissors, even the blunt-edged
ones- you're just not supposed to do it, and in a crowd like this even more
so.  "We don't say this because we're killjoys, we say this because we want
you to leave here in one piece."

One has to be a carful about others' costumes, too, as Charles points out
"this girl who's got a lovely tail - can I actually *say* that at a family
convention?"  It's a bushy squirrel tail, actually, and cetainly one that
shouldn't be stepped on.  He doesn't actually quote Sergeant Esterhaus, but
the message is clear: "Let's be careful out there."

Along those same lines, he also encourages folks to keep the chaos to a
minimum.  Sure, we have a right to be loud and drunk if we want to (and are
of legal age), but others may choose to exercise the right to be quiet and
sober, too, and that needs to be respected.  In addition, we are exhorted to
pick up any trash we might see - although he makes it clear that, just
because someone's dressed as, say, Happosai, he doesn't quality as 'trash'
unless he actually *tries* something.  So much for any pre-emptive strike.

You'll notice that I've made no mention of guests at this con thus far.  To
be sure, AI has some, but they're all American artists as opposed to working
directly in the Japanese animation industry.  However, as Charles introduces
his fellow con organizers, he points out that our program planner has come
all the way from Hokkaido.  "Some conventions have Japanese guests.  WE have
Japanese *staff*!"  Pause to let that sink in.  "Take *that*, Otakon!"

That said, Charles finally introduces himself: "I'm Charles, and I run
conventions."

"Hi, Charles!"  Someone in the crowd, when he admits to having run
conventions like this for the past 20 years, instructs him to say ten Hail
Marys, five Our Fathers, and a few other things that get covered up in the
ensuing laughter.  Someone by the sound board takes a picture, to which
Charles inqures why: "You already have photos of me - uh, wait... that
didn't come out right."  Those of us familiar with one Nabiki Tendo find
ourselves cracking up.

With the audience in a suitably good mood, he sends us on our way:  "There's
plenty to do here.  We have panels, we have activities... oh yes, and we
show anime here, too.  Go forth and enjoy!"

***

Across the atrium from our room, the consuite banner flutters from the
second floor balcony.  The second floor?  At last year's gripe session, the
question was raised as to why the consuite was on the 7th floor, and we were
told that any lower, and the hotel would require that they cater everything
(at considerably more expense, needless to say).  So what gives?

Apparantly, the hotel.  Seems AnimeIowa is big enough to wrest a few
concessions from the hotel at this point.  Really, it's no bigger or smaller
(as far as I can tell) than the one upstairs used to be.  It's just fewer
stairs for everyone to climb to get there (and given the crowd and the
elevators, that's what most of us will probably be doing).

As we'd stopped for lunch back in Iowa City, we aren't actually here for the
food, but more looking for Don Swentik, who I presume is still in charge of
ops here at AI.  He was the guy who cleared us last year to make
okonomi-yaki, and I firgure it wouldn't hurt to get permission again, or at
least inform him of our intentions - I seriously doubt there will be any
objections.

He isn't to be found in either the consuite or what the ops refer to as "The
Bridge," but the staffers there promise to relay my request to him, as well
as assuring me that there should be no problem with our plans to cook.
Actually, that's understating things a bit, but anything else I would relate
of their response would be gratuitous ego-stroking.

***

At this point, the line to get into the dealers' room extends out into the
atrium - it's a good thing we went in when we did, apparantly.  But the
atrium is no less interesting in and of itself, as it's been turned into an
Artists' Alley of sorts.  At least a dozen tables are crowded with stuff,
including one manned by our friend Victoria. 'Tori's stuff leans toward the
yaoi and shonen-ai, as expected, but she has some very nice Utena sketches,
and she's even wearing a hat patterned off of ChuChu's head.

Shes also wearing an apron labelled, in a typical hentai touch, "A pr0n."  I
have to ask how married life is treating her these days; she tells us it's
good, .but hubby apparantly still doesn't get all the otaku trappings, least
of all the yaoi fangirl fascination.

***

Reunited with the sempais, we decide that dinner can wait (and it'll
probably be pizza, just like last time - it's not raining buckets the way it
was last year, but seriously, why leave the hotel if you don't have to?
Especially seeing as there's so much to do, either scheduled or not).  At
least until after this panel that Steve Bennett's hosting entitled... "How
to Talk to Women."  Say what?

Turns out, this is no joke - well, okay, it's a lot of jokes, but really,
there is some serious advice sprinkled in amongst it all.  Apparantly, this
isn't the first time Steve's done this, either: he'd been asked to do
something along these lines earlier in the year for Fanime (in San
Francisco?  Guys wanting to talk to women?  There's a few jokes right
*there*, but I'll pass them over for the time being), and there was a huge
turnout for it there, so he's doing this as an encore presentation.

Actually, it strikes me as odd that Steve could pass himself off as an
expert on the matter.  True, he's married, so he's obviously done
*something* right (and unlike Konatsu-chan and I, he's pretty much been an
otaku all his life, so his girl would have had to have accepting that from
the get-go)  On the other hand, it's not like I've ever *seen* her at any of
these events (*sob* It's so terrible when your spouse doesn't share your
enthusiasm for anime *snff*)

He is joined in this packed-out room by another guest, Greg Ayers, who's an
even *less* likely candidate to lead such a seminar (translation: he's
single).  He mentions something to the effect of "learning from The Master,"
and I get these really weird Happosai flashbacks.

Even weirder is the fact that Greg issues the first rule: "don't look at
their boobs."  Commonsense stuff (actually, most of the seminar is pretty
commonsense, but that may just be my own perspective), but with an amusing
twist, as Steve and Greg demonstrate that guys greeting each other don't
look at each other's package, after all.  Of course, the guys admit there
are mitigating circumstances at conventions, what with all the
decolletage-displaying costumes (and, as Steve mentions, at least one girl
wearing a T-shirt with an arrow pointing up, and the legend "I'm up HERE,
fanboy."  Come on, that's just *begging* guys to look at your chest, if only
to have 'em read that and get hit below the belt).  The model offered up is
that of the bee:  fanboys must flit from flower to flower, enjoying them
all, but never obsessing over just one.

The next one is particularly familiar to those of you who've been to ACen
(or read my reports from there:  soap is your friend (Actually, I shouldn't
assume that's sunk in, necessarily: Konatsu and I do encounter, in the
course of the weekend, at least one, let's just say, *aromatic* otaku who is
actually *wearing* an ACen shirt in the "got soap" vein.  Someone isn't
paying attention, here).  It is suggested that there is the attitude among
some that "she should be able to appreciate me for who I am," including any
natural aromas - that, the guys point out, can be accomplished from across
the room.  And usually is!

Old-time otaku Steve takes some time out to reminisce about how the balance
has shifted.  It used to be that a single girl dressed as Kei (from the
Dirty Pair) could have a veritable train of several dozen guys following
behind her - and trying to look innocent if she would ever turn her head.
Most girls at conventions in those days were reluctant wives or girlfriends.
At least these days, with the rise of shoujo titles and what-have-you, the
field is much more balanced between male and female.

This leads into the subject of the anime dance.  Nowadays, a staple of
convention activities (although, since they're generally held after cosplay,
I tend to eschew the dance for various room parties, myself), these weren't
needed in the old days Steve's waxing nostalgic about.  And it brings up his
next point: guys, go to the dances, and actually *dance*!  Don't hang out in
the back of the room, thinking you're too cool to dance, get out there
amongst 'em.  There's so few guys on the floor that they get surrounded by
women in a hurry.  And as far as skill, don't sweat it: women don't *want*
to be upstaged by a partner who's better at it than they are, anyway.
You'll get the credit for trying - in fact, girls seem to go for the guy who
simply doesn't *care* how silly he may (or may not) look.  Just don't
*drape* yourself over one particular girl (unless you came to the dance with
her, in which case, what are you doing at this seminar?)

The guys ask for testimonies from any married couples in the audience, and a
pair who met at an anime club come forward.  How did they know the other was
The One, Steve asks.  She mentions his charisma, which I'll cover in a
moment.  His response?  "She was wearing a skirt!"

Once the laughter dies down, Steve and Greg remind the audience that that's
no guarantee in this day and age, especially given the whole bishounen
aspect of anime fandom.  It occurs to Steve that the bishounen fandom may
well be the ultimate example of girls going for the guy who doesn't care how
he looks, to the point of concluding "I look like a woman, and a drop-dead
gorgeous one at that.  So why should it bother me?"  It's an aspect of yaoi
culture I'd never previously considered.

This leads into a discussion of what exactly constitutes 'charisma,' that
mystical quality that attracted our previously mentioned Fangirl to her
Fanboy.  More to the point, what is NOT part of charisma.  Desperation, for
instance, and singlemindedness.  If you're coming to a con in order to get
laid (and evidently there are certain poor souls that do), you're in the
wrong place, or at least with the wrong motives.  The idea is to confidently
tell yourself "I'm gonna have a good time regardless," and let stuff happen
if and when it may.

Another thing that adds to one's appeal is whether you listen to her.  Don't
prattle on so about your favorite anime; let her gush about *hers* for a
while.  Don't interrupt and cut her favorites down if you don't care it
(unless you really think that a relationship with someone with such bad
taste would only be detrimental to your well-being), and if you like her
stuff, try not to outdo her with your devotion.  "Ease up on the geekiness,"
advises Greg, even though he admits that otakudom is by definition a domain
of geekdom.  Actually, it makes it more important to tone down: "if the
*geeks* reject you for being too much, you might as well hang yourself right
now."

Steve uses a somewhat gentler analogy, comparing people to books and
magazines.  If he reads a magazine at the newsstand, there's no need for him
to buy it and take it home - he's read it already.  So, too, for the man who
talks too much - they'll be left on the shelf.  A book, on the other hand,
is generally more to read than a single hour in a bookstore will allow.  So,
once a few appealing passages have been skimmed, it gets put in the cart to
take home.

Back to not being so concerned about appearances; someone brings up the
concept of 'flashing cash.'  Oh, sure, it may get noticed, but really, all
you wind up is being played for a sucker.  And finally, Steve points out the
necessity of not being too proud to ask for help if you've got love
problems.  "For all you know, your dad may have been a bigger playa than you
ever been.  How'd you think he had you?"

***

Back at the room, we try to hook up the computer to the television.  The
cables we purchased aren't exactly the same as those we use back at home, so
we're not entirely sure they will work... but they do.  We watch a few AMVs
before Dave-sempai brings out a copy of Cooking Master Boy.  The closest
interpretation I can give it is that it appears to be developing into an
Iron Chef episode with a bit of Tampopo thrown in for good measure, then set
in feudal China.

All Dave-sempai has of CMB is the first episode, so once it's played out, we
can't decide what to show for a few moments before finally hauling out some
of the last extant episodes of Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu Deluxe.
We've been following the whole series and, interesting as it is, we *still*
haven't been able to figure out what makes Guu tick (or,more to the point,
what makes her go cuckoo every half hour).  Picture Rei Ayanami with magical
powers and a wickedly deadpan sense of humor, and you get a basic idea of
what Guu is like, but she's still very hard to write for.

After two or three episodes of Guu, Dave-sempai has to run; he's manning two
adjacent video rooms from midnight to 3 am - I don't envy him (I ask him
when he's actually going to sleep, and he replies instantly with "Monday").
On the other hand, one of the rooms is showing the only hentai title being
screened at AnimeIowa, a light softcore entitled Buttobi CPU.  Oddly enough,
it's preceded by Tiny Snow Fairy Sugar - a kids' show.  Not exactly the best
juxtapositioning, in his opinion.

Konatsu recalls that the pool had extended hours during last year's
convention, and persuades me to head downstairs for a dip.  Once we return,
somewhere about 12:30, James sempai has disconnected the computer, and
hooked up his Playstation ("Hey," he says, "it's cheaper than playing the
hotel console").  He's got it turned toward his side of the room, and the
volume turned down, so it doesn't bother me as I settle in to sleep.

***

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23

Evidently, we haven't figured out how to set the alarm on the hotel alarm
clock.  We'd set it so that we could be awake and out of the room by 9 am,
as they've set aside a block of time for 'parody anime' - nothing spelled
out, so we're curious.  The last occupants, however, must have set it for
about 7 am, because that's when the darn thing rings.  Well, as long as I'm
up, I might as well take a shower...

As we get out, we notice James-sempai is up, and watching... what is that?
Kirby?  James-sempai claims the sho was called "Ashita no Jo," or some such
like that, but it confuses me: wasn't that the name of a boxing manga from
the 70s?  If anyone knows the Japanese name of Kirby, I'd be interested in
finding out.

***

Of course, there's other things to find out about first, like whether
Stephen is back serving pancakes again, and if he'd be willing to loan us a
griddle.  In fact, he's juggling three griddles when we show up at the con
suite... just in time for the fuse to blow out.  I head downstairs to inform
the front desk - although by the time I do, they're already aware of the
problem and working on it.

Back at the consuite, we come across Nesse, Zen's wife.  Wow, and we'd heard
rumors that Zen and you weren't gonna be here!  "Where'd you hear *that*
from?"  She leads us to their suite, right next to the Dance Dance
Revolution party room - "They were playing that thing until like three in
the morning or something."  She's not complaining about it, by the way - in
fact, together with Zen and Travis Butler, they reminisce about some of the
great party conventions, like MACH (I think that was the name, at any rate).
It's the sci-fi heritage that makes AnimeIowa so special, in their opinion -
if nothing else, AI knows how to run a consuite.  By comparison, AWA's
'consuite Nazi' gets three thumbs down.

Well, it's been quite a productive morning, really, but now we need to go
see what we intended to...

***

...and it's worth it.  Studio Sokodei, those folks that brought us
_Evangelion:_ReDeath_ and _Fanboy_Bebop_, have come up with yet another
parody: _Nescaflown�_.  Unlike FBBB or NONde Production's recent hit,
_This_Is_Otakudom_, _Nescaflown�_ does not poke fun at the anime convention
scene.  It's more of a straight parody of the original title, but
thankfully, it doesn't require any great familiarity with Escaflowne itself.

Sokodei has made for itself a tremendous reputation to live up to with E:RD
and FBBB, but you know right from the start (a caption reading  "Somewhere
in the English-speaking part of Japan...") that this isn't going to fall
short of the bar they've kept raising for themselves.  Most of the names and
locations or coffee-related (Folgeria, the House of Maxwell, the Starbach
Empire), except for the lead bishonen, who they've dubbed Headanshoulders
(leading to a very funny scene when he gets captured, and the armies of
Folgeria and Maxwell descend upon Starbach chanting "We want Head!  We want
Head!") and the heroine herself, Hitomi (pronounced "Hit me" for purposes of
the parody, and setting up a few obvious gags of its own).  The plot makes
fun of Escaflowne's obsession with the concept of 'destiny' and the ways
characters try to manipulate said destiny - in the case, with the ultimate
weapon: plot holes.  Throw in a few side stories such as Hitomi's search for
her soulmate, several love triangles (some inspired by Hitomi's own
fickleness, which Sokodei lampoons ferociously), and the quest for the
'secret ingredient' of Folgeria's vaunted flavor crystals (and no, I'm not
gonna spoil that for y'all)

My only complaint is that I know it will be nearly impossible to get a hold
of a copy.  Sokodei isn't as restrictive as, say, Sherbert Productions
(evidently, they got dressed down by Robert Woodward himself way back when,
so they're gunshy about distrubution to the point of *never* allowing copies
of their work to leave their possession.  It bothers me, though, that they
extol their stuff on their webpage in comprehensive detail, and then say, in
effect, that 'nyeah, you can't ever see these.'), and I can certainly
understand the desire to work on further parodies rather than getting bogged
down in the hassles of distribution, but they've been approached by folks
wanting to digitize and distribute Re:Death, and have (politely) told them
not to.  Near as I can tell, they want it done perfectly - plus, they want
otaku to experience their parodies the way they're supposed to be
experienced: in a large screening room at a convention.

I can understand this only up to a certain point.  I'm a writer, so it
doesn't concern me that not every pixel is in its proper place, as long as
the script is funny - and it is!  And as for conventions, let's be honest:
every otaku can't attend every convention, and even the ones who do often
miss screenings.  Hell, I understand they showed an Utena parody fandub
yesterday, but James-sempai can't recall the title or who put it together.
If anyone knows about this, could they please contact me?  I'd love to see
it, even though I couldn't make it to the screening.  And I think that, with
regard to _Nescaflown�_, there's a lot of y'all out there that would fit
into this category.

Still, I know a few people I could contact, and I have a few chits I might
be able to call in.  Who knows?  Maybe I can summon up a miracle or two yet.

***

_Nescaflown�_ runs for a lot longer than the half-hour AI allotted for it
(thank heaven they aren't *too* rigorous about keeping schedules - the crowd
would have lynched anyone who tried to shut it off midway through),  but
it's still well before noon, so Konatsu and I have plenty of time to get a
head start on this year's lunch crowd.  But first, while I haul the cooler,
my kunoichi runs on ahead to the consuite to check with Stephen about
borrowing one or two of his griddles to speed production.

Bad news:  not only is Stephen no longer there to even ask, it appears that
the hotel has put the kibosh on any further cooking in the consuite.  Seems
that the fuse blowing we witnessed earlier was just one of several, and
after a certain point, the hotel had had enough, and laid down the law.  So
that's *why* he's not there.

The good news:  this was relayed to my kunoichi by a girl that concluded her
narrative by asking "But you guys are still gonna do the okonomi-yaki,
right?  It's one of the highlights of the con for me!"  Well, hey.  We've
got fans.  No reason to disappoint them, especially since we've gotta get
rid of these ingredients SOMEhow... and in any case, by using a single
griddle, we probably can keep the fuses from blowing, and thereby stay
low-key enough to prevent any incidents with the hotel.

Of course, 'low-key' winds up also meaning that we don't take the
opportunity to advertise what we're doing.  Which means we don't send
runners with okonomi-yaki to the guests like we've done in the past.  We
feel bad about it, especially given Steve's enthusiasm for the whole thing
(although this year it was a bit diminished by the fact that we'd brought
tonkatsu sauce from home, so he wouldn't be able to demonstrate how to make
it, in any case)

Just as well, though... by starting earlier, we have the griddle fired up
and running just in time for the lunchtime rush, and pretty soon, the line
of folks with containers full of ingredents is stacked up behind me.  It's
not the colorful crowd of cosplayers that paraded through last year's
performance, but they're no less appreciative:  one fellow sets up a tip jar
for us, despite our demurrals.  We eventually wind up with $9 - hey, it's
more than we'd expected.

Oddly enough, even with only one griddle, and at least half again as much
batter as last year, we clear out in about the same amount of time - which
means everything's closed down and picked up before 3pm.  Konatsu reminds me
that part of the reason it took longer last year was due to us shorting out
the power ourselves - something we could ill afford this year, after all.

***

We take another spin around the dealers' room, to see if there may be
anything we might have missed yesterday in our first go-around.  The line to
get in is longer this time, but nowhere near as crazy as yesterday
afternoon.

There doesn't seem to be much that we missed, although Konatsu persuades me
to get a Sorting Hat for Dan-chan, who's more into Harry Potter than anime.
Also, we come across a plushie of a character that looks a lot like Kogepan,
but yellower and with a curly mop of white hair.  It turns out to be foam;
the character's name (according to the tag) is Beer-chan.

And folks in the States are up in arms about stuff like Joe Camel.  It is
not quite one world, is it?

***

Once again, Konatsu wants to go swimming.  I'm not as keen on it as I used
to be, and in any case, the schedule includes something called the Mikage
Seminar.  Well, I'm still trying to do something with She of the Black
Rose - maybe this well help me out as far as wrapping my head around the
whole 'your life sucks, therefore you have no choice but to revolutionize
the world' thing that to me, lacks any sort of logical connection (which
precludes me from jumping to the duel between Kodachi and Utena - how can I
convince Kodachi to accept Mikage's logic when *I* can't?).

I suppose I should mention that this next section contains SPOILERS to both
the Utena series and movie, even if the interpretations of the symbolism
isn't necessarily consistent with that of  Ikuhara, Saito, and Be-Papas.  So
be forewarned, and jump over this next section if you don't wanna know yet
(SKJAM, this means you  ^_^;; )
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When I slip in, the seminar is already underway, with someone asking about
who Mamiya is.  After the obligatory Ghostbusters reference to break the ice
("There is no Mamiya, there is only Zuul"), the discussion concludes that
the Black Rose arc was an attempt to fomulate a backup plan if Utena failed,
complete with Utena and Anthy counterparts.

Along the lines of counterparts, someone else pursues the thought that Kozue
and Nanami are opposite sides of the same coin; each obssessed with their
brother, but using opposing forces (pushing away/pulling toward) to hang
onto them.

When I ask about the leap in logic of the Mikage Seminar, it's first pointed
out that those being interviewed are in states of serious emotional upset,
and therefore more amendable to suggestion, no matter *how* illogical.  In
addition, when ones life is perceived to be a misery, one has two
alternatives: either change themselves, or change those around them.
Presumably, the latter is considered easier or more desirable.  Sounds like
Dan-chan when he bangs his elbow on a table: it's always the table's fault.
No wonder I can't relate to it.

By contrast, the movie illustrates how Utena and Anthy change themSELVES
rather than the world, and simply *leave* the world of Ohtori rather than
change it per se (although it is different once they leave).  Someone
suggests that the movie is basically Anthy's point of view, with Utena
serving as merely a (literal) vehicle for Anthy to change.

Miki's stopwatch is brought up, with the suggestion that, given the surreal
nature of the Ohtoriverse, time such as we know it doesn't really pass here.
There are no watches, only Miki's stopwatch, which serves as a grounding
device for him, the one thing he can control (and perhaps an indication that
he knows something is amiss, but can't put his finger on exactly what it is)

What is ChuChu, and how much does he really know?  The seminar considers him
an extension of Anthy - and in turn, the frog he squabbles with throughout
the series is a representation of Akio (the 'frog prince,' essentially).  At
the end of the series, he simply pushes the frog away, as Anthy does her
brother as she leaves to find Utena.  Also abandoned at the end are his tie
and earring and Anthy's glasses, all of which symbolize restrictions and
restraints left behind.

I'm starting to understand why I don't quite 'get' Utena: so much of it
really *does* relate to one's high school and/or junior high days (and the
meaninglessness of it all - as best illustrated by the 'straw men' the
Shadowplay support team literally turn into by the end of the movie) - days
which, for me, are half a lifetime away.  I barely remember those days,
having really only come into my own in college.  In contrast, Akio serves as
a metaphor for the BMOC who peaked in high school, and cannot escape that
image, even as he declines throughout the rest of his life.  The movie
"Everyone's All American" is mentioned, and despite not being an anime, it
sounds intriguing.  To extend the analogy, Akio is like the star quarterback
looking for a replacement just before the playoffs - but in finding one in
Utena, cannot stand to see her grabbing all the glory.

It is pointed out that Juri is the only character with two pieces of
rose-crested jewelry: her ring and her locket.  Essentially, Shiori serves
as Juri's 'other' Rose Bride, doubly chaining her to the universe within
Ohtori Gakuen.  Her half-joking suggestion in the final episode that she put
Utena's picture in her locket (despite being all but freed from the yokes of
both her original Rose Brides) shows she's not quite ready to *be* free.
But she's aware of it at that point, and that could be considered a hopeful
sign.

There were a few more things discussed, but I think that this is more than
enough spoilers and whatnot, so I'll return you all to your regularly
scheduled narrative without further interruption or censorship.
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Ah, welcome back, everyone.

The fanfic panel (such as it is; it doesn't seem to have any formal setting
to it at all) is scheduled to take place in the same room as the Mikage
Seminar, so I don't ever bother to leave my seat.  Actually, that's not
quite true: I relocate from the floor to a nearby ottoman for the sake of
comfort.  There's a number of others that are staying as well, and we segue
into the new topic by mentioning certain fanfics regarding Utena.  Not
surprisingly, there is little recognition of my attempt to merge the
Ranmaverse into Ohtori, but there is apparantly another fic out there that
is sending Kodachi to that school, entitled 'To Wear A Midnight Rose.'  I'll
have to check it out.

Others I mention include DB Sommer's 'L.A. Freeway' and Paul Corrigan's
'Sovreignty-Associationist Girl Nanami.'  The latter gets a fair share of
knowing laughter, but the former elicits little recognition.  Odd, that.

One girl expounds on the virtues of _Pretear_, and bemoans the fact that
there is yet so little fanfiction out there for that series.  The fact that
she has to explain the plot of it to the majority of the room goes a long
way toward explaining *why* so little fanfiction exists, though.

Evidently there's been a slight mixup in the scheduling, as certain folks
keep nosing in, asking if the Vampire Masquerade RPG is being held.  After
informing a group of them that they're at the wrong room, Anna Johnson at
least allows that those Magic cards they use "make great bookmarks."

Greg Sandborn slips in as things start to warm up.  He's had a rough time of
it at this convention; just as he pulled into the hotel yesterday, one of
his fluid hoses broke, leaking coolant all over his parking space and
effectively wrecking his transmission.  So he hasn't had the opportunity to
hang around the convention as much as hang around a local garage.  The only
consolation was that he'd made it here and checked in before all hell broke
loose on him.  He hasn't even had the chancce to see 'a living soul' among
fanfic writers.  Granted, *I*ve only seen Zen and Travis myself, but
still...

He *has* been catching up with other writers I *haven't* seen in some time,
particularly Jamie and Bridget Wilde at a convention in Texas recently.  I
recall Konatsu and Dan-chan playing with their little Rachel at ACen99, but
when I ask how they're doing (and in particular, how Rachel's doing), he
gives me a look I might consider sheepish: "Now you're putting me on the
spot."

All this goes on while other folks chat, trying to establish a direction.
Eventually, it comes together as everyone is asked to identify themselves if
they've written and posted fanfiction - since nearly everyone in here has in
some form or another, the request gets everyone's attention.

The followup question is, where?  When I admit to having posting to
fanfiction.net, until the lemons were forcibly removed (and Greg jokingly
registering shock that I would write lemons), it's pointed out that there
*is* apparantly an adultfanfiction.net out there.  News to me.  May have to
check it out sometime.

A question is asked about people's opinions of alternate universes; it gets
a mixed reaction.  Anna Johnson, who by dint of her spot on the couch seems
to have been established as one of three quasi-moderators, suggests that
some universes blend better than others.  Gundam Wing would work in some
sort of future world, but set it in medieval Europe and it falls flat.  What
really peeves her is the frequent chestnut of throwing characters into high
school who are obviously well beyond that.  There is muttering to the effect
that 'it worked for Breakfast Club,' but otherwise...

What fanfictions really moved you?  Crystal Heart's 'Masquerade' is brought
up, although the concept of Serena as a lawyer... would you *really* want
her to represent your case?  Several people mention 'Hearts of Ice,' along
with a demand to know when it will be finished.  Greg shrugs that Krista's a
perfectionist.  I am embarrassed to admit that when I bring up Paul
Corrigan's KareKano fics, I can practically hear the crickets chirping.
Anna mentions a story called 'Another Version of Events' which has
everything that matters: relationships *and* sci-fi!

I don't recall how Ann McCaffrey's name is brought up, whether as a
fanfiction base (that got nipped in the bud at Ms. McCaffrey's insistence)
or as a writing style, but her works appear to be dismissed as too detailled
and overladen with technobabble.  This irks a fellow in the back row, who
points out that McCaffrey's works comprise a massive epic in a completely
different world, and as such, the backstory is necessary to familiarize the
read with the natural laws of this world.  Anna quickly backpedals, insist
that she meant Ms. McCaffrey no disrespect - in fact, she read all of the
Pern series as a high schooler - but wouldn't recommend the style to
fanfiction.

Our dissenter isn't quite finished, however:  apparantly, he is using
McCaffrey's approach of 'describing all points between A and B' in a fanfic
of his own, a crossover between Gundam Wing and Star Wars (which would piss
off George Lucas, but the concept intrigues the audience, so it gives him
the floor).  He takes full advantage of the attention, going on at length
about the plot of his story - I suspect he didn't attend Steve's seminar, or
at least missed the whole magazine analogy.  As he describes the trails of
Duo Maxwell losing body parts along the way, Konatsu gigglingly whispers
that his Duo sounds like he's trying out for the part as the Black Knight
("It's only a flesh wound").  The fangirls react angrily as he goes on about
Duo dying, and while he does make it clear that he gets reincarnated, it
doesn't mollify them that he comes back as the son of Heero and Relena
Peacecraft (of course, what with the only Gundam fanfic I've ever read being
DB Sommer's 'Yardwork,' it doesn't bother *me* in the slightest).

For whatever reason, the negative reaction to his revelations doesn't
discourage him from expounding further on his plans for his stories.  But
then, neither does an audible stage yawn from someone in the audience, and a
remark of "can we move on to another topic?" from elsewhere in the crowd.
Even as the majority goes on to further discussion, I can still hear him
elaborating on the details of his fic to anyone around him that will listen.
Konatsu, in particular, complains to me later how distracting it was, buy my
kunoichi's not the sort to tell a guy to shut up to his face.

The main group, already less than organized, has a little trouble regaining
its footing, and resumes a discussion of favorite fics.  One girl speaks of
a favorite SM (that's SailorMoon, you hentais!  Mou...) fic... but
unfortunately, she can't recall the title.  Anna recommends 'Circles,' while
several audience members speak glowingly of Rakhal's Penultimate Ranma�
Fanfic Index.  A particular favorite is 'the Saotome Gambit,' leading Greg
to make a mental note to inform Jamie that people are looking for his fic.

Favorite genres?  Angsty romance gets a fair number of votes, and Anna in
particular scorns PWP (plot? what plot?) stories for something with a little
romance.  It's at this point someone pipes up with a recommendation for
'Comes the Cold Dragon,' but the description doesn't *sound* like a
romance...

One girl in particular mentions a bad experience with plagarism - although
since her story was for a rarely-written-about series, it was easy to spot
the offending posting and notify ff.net.  Anna speaks of a professional
blacklist, and how editors remember when they've seen a story before.  This
discussion leads naturally to the borrowing of ideas, and where the line is
between borrowing and outright stealing.  As an example, there are two
Slayers fics out there by different authors, where Lina and Gaurry,
respectively, ponder their lives after the whole Slayers arc and the death
of the other, their spouse of many years.  Nearly identical concepts, but
the stories are (I am to understand) quite different.

Keeping in mind that *all* fanfiction is either a 'borrowing' (if you're
going to be charitable) or plagarism (if you're not), Anna points out that
the creators of anime in Japan recognize the implicit homage in fanfiction
for what it is.  Indeed, it's built into their artistic culture, wherein an
apprentice would learn their craft by slavishly copying their masters for
many years to get the hang of it.  By contrast, Western writers
(particularly those that work in a serial format) are almost legally
forbidden to acknowledge any fanfiction, lest they later find themselves
writing a work that copies a previously-written fanfic, and the fanfic
writer sues.  But if an anime company or manga-ka used your idea...?  "I'd
fall down and worship them," Anna grins.

Another group is waiting to get in (which is odd, because the cosplay's not
that far away at this point), so we have to wrap things up.  Just for fun,
someone asks for ideas we *don't* want to see, and pairings in particular.
Gundam Wing impregnation fics are high on the list, as is (and I'll
euphemize this for the sake of propriety - let the reader understand)
"Sailor Oscar."  Xelloss and anyone raises objections, more for the fact
that pure evil is incapable of love than any gross mechanical issues.  Wufei
and Trei(?) shouta is mentioned, which prompts me to add any lemon involving
Chiyo-chan (unless she's grown up a fair bit, of course).  Any Tenchi fic is
which Our Hero actually *picks* one girl and throws the others out earns a
place, simply because it wouldn't be Tenchi otherwise (alternately, where he
picks one and all the others simply get it on with their recent rivals -
where's the sense in that?  You can tell we're not PWP people, here)

Finally, however, one person mentions the mega-crossover.  It's not that it
can't be done, or even done well, but every series added to a crossover
doubles the difficulty of keeping the characters *in* character, while
cutting the audience in half (as they have to have some familiarity with
both series).  The 'kitchen-sink' approach leaves both the author and the
reader with too many characters to keep track of.

***

Greg Sandborn is waiting outside as we exit, clearly disappointed in the
'panel,' such as it was.  He does agree that it wasn't nearly as bad as the
'Queens of Orochi' from 2001, but after last year's panel, it fell far
short.  He asks me where Zen was throughout all this - did he not want to be
singled out and embarrassed like he was in 2001?  We have a chuckle about
that as we follow him back to his room.  There, he presents us each with
caps bearing the Fox Squadron insignia, in honor of his Robotech opus.  I
ask him what we owe him for them, but he will have none of it; they're "for
promotional purposes," he insists.  He just wants us to wear 'em.  Well, one
cap's as good as another, so we thank him and replace our Ucchan's caps and
head downstairs for the cosplay line.

***

This is one of the places where a sponsorship would come in handy, as those
willing to pay can get the guaranted front-row seating for the cosplay.  On
the other hand, last year had me sitting about as close to the cosplayers as
it is possible to get without actually *being* one, and got a look behind
the scenes to boot.  So no matter what result, it'd've been a letdown from
last year.

Even though it isn't official, the line to get in snakes past the elevator
even as we reach it from Greg's room.  We are *definately* not getting good
seats this year.  On the other hand, maybe it'd be a change of pace to
report from the overflow room, where they've set up a simulcast.  Well, it
remains to be seen whether we'll get in or not...

And as we wait, Nesse and Greg each go by in turn, and we relay to each of
them that the other is looking for them.  Finally, they meet, right in front
of us, with violins playing and angels singing and... okay, that's
overstating things a *little*.  But it is quite the reunion.

On the other side of the line, someone yells out "Yuri cosplay!"  Sure
enough, a girl dressed as Urd (how appropriate!) is kissing another girl
with a shaggy mop of pink hair - not that it's necessarily obvious that it's
a girl, frankly... But I'll take their word for it.

***

The overflow room actually has its own seperate line, and as soon as we
realize this, we duck over to it.  At present, though, they're still showing
music videos, so we stand in line, while I scribble what notes I can and
(once I'm more or less up-to-date) flip through my latest manga purchase: a
copy of MegaTokyo.  Yes, folks, I'm finally gonna break down and figure out
what all the fuss is about.

All I can say is, if this is what life is like dealing with true-blue,
dyed-in-the-wool otaku, it's a heckuva lot more dangerous than I ever
imagined.

In any case, the book keeps me occupied while I wait for the crowd watching
AMVs to file out (and presumably form the tail end of our line or - if
they're really optomistic - the main cosplay room line)  I only look up
once, as a mother carries her daughter, dressed up like Sumomo (and almost
actual size, the little cutie) past us.  Now that I look at her, she's got
her hair done to look like the cram school teacher, if I'm not mistaken.
And is that her husband wearing the Yorokonde Tavern uniform?

***

I *will* say this, a front-row seat in the overflow room is a lot better
than a back-row seat in the main room.  The screen on which the simulcast is
being shown extends from ceiling to a foot or so above the floor, so it's
big enough to be seen.  Konatsu wishes they could just do a closed-circuit
broadcast throughout the hotel, but I suspect they're taping the show in
order to sell the tapes afterward, so a closed-circuit broadcast would be
counterproductive.  In any case, this gives me an idea (and allows me to
give you all an idea) of whether the tape would be a bargain or a waste of
money.

And as for the personal touch, Charles even drops in, to make sure
everything's up and running, including a sound check.  He doesn't recognize
the background music - or maybe he's just testing us, to see if we know.
Well, I don't do so well; it sounds to me like Lupin III, but it turns out
to be Cowboy Bebop.  Oh, well... not that I've ever *watched* Cowboy Bebop
(for which I'm branded a 'heathen!' by Charles.  I counter by reminding
Charles of his own admission at the opening ceremonies that he doesn't watch
anime himself, but he clarifies that he doesn't watch *enough* anime.
Ah...)

Once he leaves, the lights go out.  All the better to see the screen, but
all the worse for me to write.  So bear with me.  At least for the moment,
all we see is a blue screen, which is really reasonably bright for my
purposes.  Okay, now it's up and running - too bad the actual show is dimmer
than the Blue Screen of Death.

Our first contestant is a nine-year-old dressed as Card Captor Sakura; so,
if we were trying to discourage underaged cosplayer by snubbing ChibiUsa
last year, we obviously failed.  Just as well.

Count D from Petshop of Horrors has a large crate brought out by several
black-garbed handlers.  With a warning not to look into her eyes, he taps
the crate.  The walls fall down to reveal... Medusa, who is eventually
re-crated and borne off.  (Charles: "And people say *I* have too much free
time").  The balletic style, along with the girl being carried everywhere,
is much like the pair that won last year's best of show, but it's hard to
tell on the screen.

Link and DeeDee cross paths onstage, with violent results (I think it's Link
with the sword - not that it helps him win)  Charles again: "If only
Congress were so dignified..."

The dark and light elves from Lodoss Wars do a walk-on, as does a very large
Ryo-oh-ki (one a very large carrot is laid out for it aas persuasion).
Following that, Vash and Millie step out, soused on... Ramune?  Meryl is
furious: "I could have reported you three times!"  To which Vash responds,
"Well, I could've groped you *five* times!"

Characters from Fantasy Story Online walk on, followed by an Utena parody
based on a 'thumbnail threatre' fic I've seen encapsulating the movie.  They
don't get very far, as Utena hauls Anthy off upon the latter's insistance
that she be called the "Rose Bitch."  "Help, help!"  Anthy protests, "I'm
being repressed!"

At this, Charles does a slow take at the audience.  "Any more of you steal
lines from Monty Python, and I don't wanna hear about Disney borrowing anime
plot lines, got it?"

And the show goes on, with DBZ's Vegita commiserating with Kiba from Wolf's
Rain.  Then, Shiva from Final Fantasy V comes out to a chorus of 'oooh's in
the main room.  Charles once again steps forward - once Shiva's stepped
down, of course - to remind people not to take flash photography, as it's
highly disorienting, and may cause accidents.  As he does so, someone's cell
phone goes off.  "Set that thing on *stun*, not on interrupt," he commands.

A character leads two others out onstage in chains, and Yukino Miyazawa(!?)
offers to buy them with Pocky.  A lanky black fellow does a turn onstage
as... Card Captor Will?  Vash figures he's safe here in Iowa, insisting that
"these five," referring to his fellow cast members, "are crazy enough" to
fit in.

San from Mononoke Hime does a walk-through, followed by two characters from
YuYu Hakusho... unfortunately, I can't pick up the punch line.  Either
they're too quiet, or the sound equipment isn't enough to get it.

A lead trio from Full Moon wo Sagashite (Charles stumbles over that title;
"I've *got* to watch more of these series...") come on and perform what I
assume is the show's main theme; the middle girl appears to chicken out on
her friends, though.  A couple of J-rock groups come on next (and you'll
have to forgive the spelling - I am *not* up on these names): first, Mallas
Mizer with a very Goth look to them; followed by Mini Meme, who isn't all
that mini anymore.  The girl paying the lead vocalist makes fun of her, um,
ampleness by parodying the sexy poses idols normally perform onstage.

Dragonball's ChiChi and the Ox King duke it out, although someone forgets to
pull their punches.  Then, two Final Fantasy X girls come out in sexy
costumes and offer to do a little yuri.  "But we're cousins!" one objects,
to which the other replies that "hey, it works for Sailor Moon!"  And they
walk off arm-in-arm.  Nick Wolfwood and Yuu Hongo introduce Miaka to the
Fushigi Yuugi Drinking Game.  Bad idea - the girl can't hold her liquor.

Sora and Riku from Kingdom Hearts take the stage.  Riku, in particular, is
upset about having to always play the villian.  She never wanted the role,
after all... and at this point, I'm thinking "Don't say it!  Don't say it!"

"...I always wanted to be... a lumberjack!"  She said it.  And off the stage
they go.

Yuu, Guardian of the Clow, does a catwalk turn, while Princess Serenity
nearly forgets to curtsey as she's introduced.  That, or she's playing the
klutzy character that was Usagi Tsukino to perfection.  After that, my notes
mention Hotaru (Sailor Saturn) as the 'performing prop,' but my handwriting
in this dark room is really suspect.

Our yaoi-lover Victoria takes a turn as Luffy from One Piece, doing a bit a
yaoi with another girl dressed as Zorre - if two girls act out a yaoi scene,
is it yaoi or yuri?  This is followed by a sketch entitled "Cellblock
Tango," but I can't place the character.

The cast from FLCL advertises an energy drink (Naota's *not* an enthusiastic
spokesman, but if you wanna keep your eyebrows on straight, you better drink
this stuff).  Final Fantasy's Mugel poses, while Pikachu is accompanied by
LuLu (who?), and Chii and Sumomo do their typical morning workout.

Vampire Hunter D argues with himself; evidently, his hand wants to kills
something or someone.  In order to prevent this, he's superglued his sword
to his back:  "There will be no killing tonight!  I will not... kill...
Charles!!"  Charles thanks him enthusiastically... once he's safely
offstage.

Charles cannot introduce the next act, as that would give it away.  Xelgadis
introduces himself, though, as Naga the White Serpent - and the laugh's
pretty convincing.  Belldandy follows him, and I hear a whisper behind me of
"That's my sister!"  Sure enough, I turn around, and it's a girl dressed as
Skuld.

A character from Dance Dance Revolution (there are characters in this game?)
complains about being misunderstood as evil.  The girl from Vampire Hunter D
is tired of being kidnapped all the time (including right here on stage).

And finally, Bill Gates is back, and this time he wants to show otaku how
much he cares about them.  He's created a bigger and better Chobits; call it
a Chobytes.  MegaChii can do anything Chii can do (and the on switch is
easier to locate, too, I'd wager), but 'he' objects to the idea of being
rebooted.  Bill, you shouldn't make a computer bigger than you are, and if
you must, you shouldn't make it angry...

***

As the judges head off to deliberate, Charles offers to tell dirty jokes in
the main room while they change the tapes in the overflow room.  Whether he
knows it or not, though, we still get all the audio, even if the video is
just a blue screen.  The hall costume winners are announced; the only one
still *in* costume is the little Sumomo we'd seen on our way in, who's
carried in to a thunderous chorus of 'awwww's.

Among the announcements, there will be no pre-registration for next year's
convention this weekend.  So much for saving up *that* extra money.  They
don't know where they're gonna be, so they don't consider it right to take
money from us without having a definate date or place.  Apparantly, hotels
are *fighting* over the opportunity to host us.  "It's good to be the king,"
Charles grins.  It's a pity we won't be back at the Collins Plaza - it's
kinda become home for this convention, what with hosting four of the last
five - but Charles expresses some annoyance with suggestion box remarks that
we keep the same hotel, and yet have bigger screening rooms, a bigger
dealers' room, a bigger main programming room... "All right, who flunked
geometry?"

He's also getting a little annoyed at the techs: evidently they're
whispering things into his headphone in an effort to make him crack up.  He
responds by telling the crowd about the year the headphones picked up an FM
band on which someone else was using their walkie-talkies to yell at their
spouse "Where the #@!! are my %$#&@ truck keys?!"  They found the keys
before the cosplay had ended, by the way.

***

And speaking of the end of cosplay, here come our judges now.  Judges'
choice awards go to Ramune Vash and company, the FLCL energy drink, Bill
Gates and MegaChii (Charles: "Which of these two is the scarier?"), D and
Carmela et al, little Sakura, Princess Mononoke, and Card Captor Will.
Count D and Medusa take the technical acheivement award, while Sora and Riku
win the award for first-time cosplayers (they're only fourteen years old!).

Charles is reluctant to present the Best Individual award - "He threatened
to kill me!" - to Vampire Hunter D, but has no problems with the Best Group:
Vash and Dark Vash and all, safe in Iowa.

Shiva takes best in show, and she's probably the best argument against the
video simulcast.  As with last year's Zagato and Emeraude, she doesn't
appear onscreen as very spectacular.  As we flow out of the room, however,
we merge with the cosplayers themselves exiting the green room.  She's
painted a glittery silver, white and blue, and her flowing robes are
gossamer thin... no wonder she took the prize.

***

There's a fair amount of posters for room parties in the halls, mostly near
the elevators.  The one going on in Room 216 has a lot of different posters,
including one advertising it as 'girl-friendly.'  Yeah, I'll just bet it
is... still, just for fun, we decide to drop in before heading over to Zen's
place.

Turns out, Room 216 is the Rick Hunter party, just like the one whose
posters got defaced last year.  No wonder the variety of adverts this year.
The TV's not playing anything, but the bar is extremely well-stocked.  I
turn down something called 'Chocolate Cake': never really took to chocolate
liqueurs, personally.

About the only other girl in here (well, there may be two, I'm not really
paying that much attention) is one wearing a "Property of AnimeIowa" apron -
which all of the volunteers wear when they *are* volunteering - over her
otherwise naked chest.  And she's handing out drinks - well, at least to the
couple of others she came in with.  'Girl-friendly,' my tits.

Besides, it doesn't look like they're in any hurry to put anything on right
now, so...

***

We stop at our room to grab the cooler (and Chiyo-no-chichi) before visiting
Zen and the others.  By the time we get there, they're several episodes into
a show called Full Metal Panic.  It's a standard mecha show where a soldier
(who seems a cross between Heero Yui and Souichiro Arima) is to guard a girl
(who looks like Yurika from Nadesico and acts vaguely like Utena Tenjou)
with mental powers so secret her code name is 'Whisper.'  Mecha is not
generally my cuppa; in fact, thanks to the tongue-loosening effects of
Nesse's Puchu Juice, I found myself MSTing the show from time to time.  But
somehow we were hooked for like four, five episodes.  The fact that each
episode (except the eighth, where we left off) ended with a cliffhanger
didn't hurt.

After finishing off the second DVD, Travis loads up copies of Azumanga
Daioh - they've just gotten into the series, and haven't yet met our huge
cat friend.  And judging from the episode they're on, they won't for a few
yet.  The bits with Kimura-sensei, in particular, have Zen rather suspicious
about the subject matter.  Doubly so since Sean Gaffney recommended the
series to him.  What, don't you trust Sean, Zen?

Ah, they'll see.  They don't have anything to fear.  At least, I don't think
they do.

***

We drag all our stuff back to the room by about two in the morning.  For a
moment, we worry that my notebook seems to be missing; fortunately, we find
it in the computer bag before trooping back to Zen's and possibly waking
people up with our search.

James-sempai is once again playing games on the TV, but he's just about to
wrap up for bed in any case.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24

By the time we get out of the shower, the sempais are already awake.  So
Konatsu shows off an unusual purchase - Iraq's Most Wanted playing cards.
Ever since they hit the news late in April, my kunoichi has been wanting a
deck of them.  What with all the spam e-mails we've gotten of folks claiming
to have them, we did assume that they were available for public sale.  "Oh,
yeah?  What about those Nigerian banking opportunities?  Just because you
see it in spam doesn't make it true."

In fact, Dave-sempai has been getting some particularly odd spam recently.
Some fellow from something called 'Time Travellers Anonymous' has written
him three times already, trying to raise funds to prevent some enemy of his
from harassing him or some such.  I suggested he offer it to Megane for his
"Shorties" series; apparantly he has kept one of the e-mails as a curiosity.

Of course, none of this has much to do with anime, nor does the fact that
we're hungry and need breakfast.  Since we aren't able to sponsor either
this year's or next year's AnimeIowa here and now, I suggest the brunch the
hotel puts on in the Atrium, but Konatsu demurs.  My kunoichi isn't *that*
hungry and, at any rate, would rather go swimming.  So, after we get most of
the non-perishable stuff into the car (we'll leave the cooler and everything
in it till the last minute), Konatsu grabs a little nosh in the consuite,
and I catch up to Zen, Nesse, Travis and Jerry, who are kind enough to leave
room at their table for us.

It's a little more expensive than the one at say, Ohayocon, but considerably
larger and more elaborate.  I don't take a lot of notes (no sense getting
marinara sauce on them, after all), but one of the topics runs toward the
financial difficulties of the guests of honor.  Ironcat has apparantly had
to reorganize itself after nearly going belly-up - Steve may have been
innocent of any mismanagement himself, but as the guy in charge, he's taken
a lot of heat and suffered considerable losses.  The DeJesuses, too, have
been in a bind:  Nesse mentions that they've come to a decision that they
either sell their house or give up attending conventions.

They're selling their house.  Now *that* is *true* otakudom (granted, the
conventions are a great source of revenue for them, too, so it's a smart
business decision.  Still and all...)

Greg Sandborn stops by the table as well.  He's a bit abashed about having
taken one more turn around the dealers' room than he probably should have.
Now he's got to call and apologize to his wife... really?  Apparantly, she's
of Native American stock, and he describes a sharp heirloom knife she owns
that has passed down for generations 'for keeping husbands in line.'

It's about 11:30 when Konatsu stops by, still dripping from the pool, to
remind me that we need to empty the room before the noon checkout deadline
(As those of you following my convention reports are aware, I'm pretty lousy
when it comes to deadlines).  So I bid my farewells to my fellow writers and
head off.

***

But first, we stop by the pool one last time, and Konatsu does a quick
impersonation of Osaka, the girl from Azumanga who (as we've just been
reminded last night) can't figure out how to float.  Once my kunoichi is out
and drying off, we share a giggle as the piped-in music plays a love song
we've seen used in several AMVs.

We get the last of our stuff into the car, and take one last spin about the
dealers' room ourselves; I'd seen an advert for the final KareKano DVD, and
hope to complete my collection.  No such luck.

At brunch, Jerry expressed some mild disdain that I would patronize the
dealers' room, what with the inflated prices stuff are offered for sale.
And maybe I *am* overpaying for this stuff.  But quite frankly, this is the
only time of the year that I even *remember* to buy anime.  Besides, what
with all the extra work I've done recently for Kuno-kouchou (not to mention
the whole business of the failed sponsorships), I've got the money to
spend... why not?

Well... other than the fact that I can't find anything particularly
interesting at the moment.  I do spot Lea Fernandez, and take the
opportunity to inform her of a recent trip to our local library in which her
books were featured prominently, right alongside works by Chester Gould and
several other well-known comic artists.  She is pleased to hear it, to say
the least.

At this point, Konatsu requests a stop off at the consuite again before
wrapping the day up with Anime Improv.

***

Our host for this afternoon is a fellow named Evan, who looks like a young
Hugh Laurie (any Blackadder fans will recognize that name, I expect).  He's
introduced as "a magical girl in a mecha pilot's body," and he exults that
this is "the one panel we can do [better] with NO SLEEP!"  He does warn
everyone that, despite our possible lack of sleep, that "this is a family
con, so there will be no confusing Blue Seed with La Blue Girl, for
instance."

I wonder if the line (a la Indiana Jones) "Tentacles!  Why did it have to be
*tentacles*?!" would be considered sufficiently clean for the circumstances.

We start off with a game of Freeze Tag, with the first characters being Chii
and Duo Maxwell.  Duo can't figure Chii out, but when Ataru takes over for
him and offers to reboot Chii (natch), he gets clocked on the head by a
staffer (not Evan - this is a cute girl - so Ataru probably enjoys this)
with a Kodocha-vintage squeaky mallet.  Guess they meant it about keeping it
clean.

Ataru is replaced by a very puzzled Ein - and Chii does funny work imitating
the dog, even lifting her leg when 'Ein' does.  When Chii is replaced, she
gets a big hand from the crowd (admittedly, the character lends itself well
to improv comedy, but the girl playing the part has done yeoman work).
She's replaced by Excel, with predictable results, given what Ein is.  "Hey!
No biting!" Evan yells from the edge of the stage.

Il Palazzo takes over for Ein, and it takes several pulls of the cord to get
Excel to fall.  Even so, he can barely get a word in edgewise.  Neither can
the Great Will of the Universe when she takes a crack at it, for that
matter.

Other highlights of the game include Cologne trying to train Tylor,
ChibiVash getting manhandled, *nobody* being about to communicate with
Mokona, and Kintaro Oe beseeching his co-player (I forget what character
she's playing, but she's obviously supposed to be very intelligent) to "let
me tap the spigot of your knowledge!"

At this point, Evan smacks *himself* with the mallet.  That's either a very
good or a very bad sign.

***

The next game is called Fandub, and if you thought commercial dubs were bad,
you ain't seen (or heard) nothing yet.  The idea is that two people act out
a scene that might be from one series, while two others provide the lines
belonging to a different series.  The first attempt doesn't go too well;
while the guy and girl depicting Gravitation acquit themselves reasonably
well (yes, it's serious shonen-ai, but the girl acts boyish enough to pass -
and besides, the guy can get suitably physical without discomfort), the guys
reading for Marmalade Boy are completely at sea.

I take a turn as a reader, and while I'm willing to *attempt* Rahxephon -
"It's kinda like an updated Evangelion, right?" - my reading partner is
evidently lost, so Evan redraws... FuriKuri.  Okay, I can lead on this one:
"You can be the sullen little kid," I tell my partner.  Meanwhile, the other
guys are to depict Aa Megamisama.  Since both of them are guys, it's hard to
tell which one is supposed to be the goddess, but no matter.  I kick off the
dialogue:

"Hey," in a pinched-nose voice, "where the hell's my Vespa?"

"I think I saw it in the bathroom."

I probably should have resisted.  But I couldn't.  "Oh, yeah. I *thought* it
hurt the last time I used the john..."

In the ensuing ruckus, Evan clobbers himself several times with the mallet.

***

I expect to get tossed off stage for a remark like that, but I suppose given
that Crayon Shin-chan and Dr. Slump are considered kid's shows, scatology is
borderline passable.  We muddle through the rest, including a point where
the guy apparantly playing the goddess flashes his partner (just the chest,
and with his back to the audience - come *on*, that would *definately* get
us all booted if it were anything else).

My need for stage exposure satisfied, I settle back into my chair to finish
taking notes, while the next group tries to perform X with Evangelion
dialogue: "I will destroy, destroy, DESTROY!!  Maybe not."  "Just listen
while I go into a monologue about absolutely nothing."

Slayers as Lain is a weird mix, with an enthusiastic Lina performing a
Dragon Slave, uttering sullen Lain-ish dialogue: "I hate myself because I
watch Dragonball Z."  Summation: "You look cool when you're all angsty - it
makes the fight scenes more profound."

***

Everyday Situations involves such stuff as going to the store as the Magic
Knights Rayearth (one guy keeps doing pratfalls - who's *he* supposed to
be?), as Gundam Wing ("I'd buy milk, but why, when death may be so near?"),
as Marmalade Boy (the would-be performers are stumped, as the girls in the
audience giggle).

Even simple tasks can be made complicated; Evan rolls his eyes at the
suggestion that the players try opening a door, but the different methods
attempted by the Slayers (Naga's laugh proves the key), the CardCaptors
(Kero-chan can fly up to the knob, but can't turn it), and the Chobits cast
(Hideki and Sumomo can't get Chii to do more than point at the door and
maybe touch the knob, as that's all *they* do) prove that *anything* can be
made into comic fodder.

Cleaning windows proves difficult for the Lain cast:  "This rag is not
compatible."  Of course, it could be worse, as Gourry attempts to clean it
with his sword.  Well, now that the window's been knocked completely out,
you can certainly see through...

Buying a car actually proves a little *too* involved (besides, no one wants
to portray a salesman - even otaku have their limits, it would seem),
although the idea of Jigglypuff singing everyone to sleep and then driving
off is kind of inspired.

The next suggestion is a little different: destroying the Tokyo Tower.  I
ask you - even in anime, this isn't what you'd call an 'everyday occurance,'
is it?  For this set of players, then, the default setting is decidedly
*not* normal: Godzilla stoping around and doing his stuff.  YuYu Hakusho
brings it a little more down to earth, with the players high-kicking and
chopping away at the base.  The call of Love Hina has Suu flinging Keitaro
*over* the tower, while Motoko slashes at the beams with her katana.
Finally, several members of the SailorMoon cast take a crack at it, although
the players realize it goes rather against their grain.  Still, 'Earth
Shaking' isn't a bad attack, if this is what one is trying to accomplish...

***

The final game is based directly of 'Who's Line,' where, when a character
gets stuck, to reach into the quote jar and draw a line.  Some pairings are
inspired, such as Faye Valentine and Hello Kitty at AnimeIowa itself, but
when a contestant doesn't recognize Skuld to play against Chii, Evan sighs,
"Kids these days... they don't know the classics!"

The quote jar, filled as it is with suggestions placed in there throughout
the weekend, is somewhat overloaded with promises to punish one in the name
of the moon, and Vash's trademark "Love and Peace!"  Oddly enough, when Vash
is pitted against Totoro (whose smile freaks him out), he doesn't get to say
his line, but when Lina Inverse and Pikachu attempt to unlock a car, they
*both* wind up uttering the line.  Probably the best line is uttered by
Xellos to Kuno, of all people: "If you see a stranger, follow him.  You look
strange enough."  How true.

A girl tapped to play Sumomo bounces around another girl portraying Washuu
so vigorously that her skirt falls to the floor, getting probably the
biggest laugh of the afternoon.  But before your imaginations start running
wild, she was wearing shorts underneath, so nothing all that titillating,
sorry.  Her line to the Greatest Genius in the Universe?  "I wonder if I put
enough bullets in you, you'll stay down."  Geez, *now* who's the scary one?

***

Normally, we stick around for the closing ceremonies and post-mortem gripe
session (not that we ever have much to complain about ourselves; we just
like to see what other people might come up with.  That, and it's a great
way to pick up scuttlebutt about next year).  That's not to happen this
year.  Not only do we have a cooler full of stuff that needs to be brought
home before it spoils (sure, the thing plugs into the car, but why drain the
battery and be stuck here?), but we have plans for this evening: a local
establishment is celebrating its anniversary with all-you-can-eat sushi.
What better way to wrap up a weekend like this, after all?

Four-plus hours later, we pick Dan-chan up (he likes the place, too) and
call L-chan (she's interested, but needs to take care of a few things
first).  By the time we're ready to go, it's getting really late.  Please,
don't let it close before we get there.

We arrive with less than half an hour to spare, and a line forty minutes
long.  But we're regulars here (hey, I don't consider them competition -
sushi and okonomi-yaki are two very different things.  And sometimes you're
just in a *mood* for that sort of thing, ne?), so the manager graciously
lets us in as the end of the line.  We actually do get in ten minutes before
the official closing time, but we're allowed to stay for an hour to make
sure we get all we can eat.  Well, hey... it may not have been quite
according to plan, but it's not a bad end, after all...

Kampai!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^


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