And here we go!
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Brian Randall wrote:
"I pulled them out of the attic while Oe-san was replacing some of the
bad insulation. I was hoping we'd have an excuse to put on a play," she
explained.
Ranma took an instinctive step back, wincing. "Um, Haruka-san, he does
need to be on in a few minutes," she warned.
Um... is something missing in between these two paragraphs?
"Oh, right." Haruka removed her foot from the small of Keitaro's back,
where she had tripped him to the ground. "Break a leg."
Oh, ok.
--------------------------------------
Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Ten -- Winter Performance (Part Two)
Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Takahashi, Viz (Ranma 1/2),
TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa (Goldenboy).
The story of the heroic legend of Raiko and Sakata Kintoki as presented
here is public domain. The easel is mine. That's all.
Coming up next: "Fanfic in Crisis: Brushgate 2003!" - an Action News
special report.
"Where do we find the sword of a fallen hero?" Tsuna asked, her hand on
her own sheathed blade. "The land is vast, and searching may take time."
"Time we don't have," Kintoki added, spinning her staff across her
hands idly. "Suetake, do you have any ideas?"
Suetake considered for a long moment, and crossed her arms over her
chest. "I think we should proceed to the town," she finally suggested.
"There, we can find more information, and restore our HPs."
*snort*
But what about their MPs? Huh?
"Always," the Tsuchigumo returned. "But if you won't listen, then you
can never defeat me. Good will never triumph over evil without wisdom!"
He hopped over Kintaro and Tsuna's heads, breezed past Raiko, and
snatched the brown-haired young woman up easily. "Hah! Another, Raiko.
If you wish to free her, you must face me!"
Shouldn't Kintaro be Kintoki? Or am I having trouble keeping all the
names straight again...
"No! The real Sakata no Kintoki doesn't use a staff, he-- uh, she uses
an axe, a weapon so great and heavy that most men cannot even lift it,
for only Sakata no Kintoki is that strong."
Would these two make the he/she mistake? It seems to me that only
people who know Ranma well would... do they?
Or, wait, is the mistake due to the (presumably male?) Sakata no Kintoki
from the actual story?
Kintoki and Tsuna exchanged a look, glanced down at their respective
chests as though to verify their genders, then shrugged blankly,
returning to their game of go.
"However," the narrator explained, "the Tsuchigumo's forces were not
very bright, so their disguises weren't very good."
*snicker*
"Good suggestion, though," Kintoki added, playing another stone. "Atari!"
2600?
Sorry.
"This just isn't our night," Haitani said quietly.
"I still blame Kintaro."
Should Kintaro be Keitaro?
Keitaro's heart froze in his chest, only to restart a moment later. Of
course, he didn't know if what Suu said was true, but even if it was,
she had promised that none of her additions would actually hurt anyone.
But that didn't change the fact of the matter that he had to make a choice.
"Uh... I don't know," he said nervously, prompting the audience to boo
him. "If I can only save one, which one should it be?"
"Oh, save me," the Mutsumi said suddenly, smiling brightly. "I have a
child to look after."
Extraneous the.
Ranma managed to eke out an excited, "Aniki!" before scurrying to the
man's side, and pounding him on the back. "Aniki! How've you been!"
The plot thickens...
Not too many useful comments on this one, but it still looks good! I
continue to look forward to the next chapter.