You've been on this list a while, so you probably know the drill: take
out of this response what you find useful, file the rest under the
opinion of one cranky reader who doesn't like much anyhow. :)

"Shadow Dancer" <lhidson@interbaun.com> wrote:

f you are reading this story, please tell me.  I know I have
problems in my stories, and I desperately need the C&C.

As always, please remember that the best way to get a lot of
high-quality C&C is to give it out.

<disclaimer>
Okay, before I let you into the story, I have to state that THIS IS A 
VERY DARK STORY! If you don't like that theme of story, turn back 
now.  Also included in this story are scenes of rape and murder, so 
you would be well advised to turn away if you hate that kind of stuff 
as well. </disclaimer>

And while we're on the subject, please remember to include a credit to
the author whose characters you're using.

I open my eyes slowly, and glance around me.  something feels
wrong, something feels...not right.

While I understand that the speaker can't offer much in the way of
specific details here, it seems a little too vague even for a dream
sequence. What might help is some sort of descriptive/symbolic metaphor,
something to convey a more specific feel.

I'm in a room, not surprising.  It's dark outside, I probably slept a 
long
time.

You've got word-wrapping problems throughout this (like "long" above
which is on a line by itself).

Someone is in the room with me.  Someone small, shrivelled.

Whoever it is is standing, or is it sitting?, in the far corner of 

Probably shouldn't use both "?" and ",". Suggest:

Whoever it is is standing -- or is it sitting? -- in
(or)
Whoever it is is standing, or is it sitting, in

"I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry," My father whispers before vanishing

sorry," my father whispers

(Since "whispers" is directly telling you that the line of dialog was
spoken, and not a separate action, it is punctuated as part of the same
sentence.)

Amazement strikes my heart.  My father?  Saying he's sorry?  Couldn't
happen...

Unless...

Could he have changed?

Could death really have changed him that much?

GENMA: Well, yes. Lowered my body temperature quite a bit, for one
thing....

The shimmering air is still hanging in front of me.  Why hasn't it
disappeared?

A foot slowly steps down, from no-where.

nowhere.

RANMA: It's... it's the title sequence from Monty Python!

Slowly, as if whoever it was was fighting what was happening, a large 
bald

large, bald

"Ranma,"  He whispers.  I can see tears in his eyes.  He holds his 

"Ranma," he

"My son,"  his final whisper is carried on the wind, as he is dragged 

son."  His
(In this case, the line of dialog is only referred to indirectly, so
it's a separate sentence.)

Morning comes with it's usual regularity.  Sun comes up, check.  Roll

its

("it's" is the contraction for "it is".)

Tears flow down my cheeks as I give in.  A knock on my door,
someone...no...Kasumi asking, "Are you okay, Ranma-chan?  Imouto?"

What's an imouto, and why can't she say whatever it is in English?

"Ranma-chan, I know things are bad for you,"  She whispers in my ear,

you," she whispers in my ear.

"They are bad for everyone here,"  her hand strokes through my 

here."  Her

hair...just
like I remember my mother doing.

I now have an image of a three-inch-tall Nodoka being used as a comb.
^_^;;;

Suggest:

She stroked her hand through my hair...just like I remember my mother
doing.

A little girl stands just outside of her mothers kitchen.  She can 

mother's

smell
all the delicious foods coming from there, but she's not allowed in 
there.

Suggest: allowed in. (or) allowed inside.
(The repetition of "there" is awkward.)

The kitchen is Mothers Place.

Mother's place.

Mother is kind and gentle in the Outside World, but in Mothers Place, 

Mother's

Screams of rage come from the kitchen as something goes wrong, yet 
again.
Things fly around, a few even hitting the walls.  Bursts of light and
crashes of thunder are heard in the kitchen.

Bursts of light? What is she doing, sticking her finger in the socket?
o.O

Mothers Place is sacred.  None may go there.

Mother's

MOTHER: Except me, of course.

"I want to be like her," the little girl whispers, "like Mother is in 
the
Outside World.  I don't want to be like her in Mothers Place,"  the 

Place."  The

Not a bad bit of character development, but the explanation is a little
too explicit for my tastes. Characterization is something that is best
shown, not explained.

girl
jumps back as a flying frying pan hits the wall right next to the 
door.  A
deep sadness is seen in her Mother's eyes as she looks at her 

"sadness is seen" is a rather passive way of putting it. Suggest
something like "sadness flashes through her Mother's eyes".

daughter,
just outside of the room, "I love you, Mother.  I want to be a 

room.  "I

That same day, her Mother brought her into the kitchen, and taught 
the
little girl.  She taught her how to be a Mother, how to hold 

HIROSHI: *ahem*

GARY: That isn't what he meant.

"mother" shouldn't be capitalized in either instance above, by the way,
since it's not being used as a name.

Her mother also taught her many things that would startle and amaze.  
The
girl has never shown anyone these teachings.  Ever.

DAISUKE: Double *ahem.*

"Yes, imouto, I was that little girl,"  She kisses me on the forehead 

girl."

and
hugs me gently, "Please, Ranma-chan, you need to get ready for 

gently.

school.
Maybe a routine will help you settle down, ne?"  Her smile seems to 

settle down, eh?"
(or)
settle down, don't you think?"
(or simply)
settle down?"
(Never insert Japanese words when there are perfectly good English
equivalents. You're writing in English, for readers who, we should hope,
understand the connotations and subtleties of English.)

"Hai...maybe it will,"  I whisper, as Kasumi slowly stands up and 

"Yes...maybe
(or something to that effect)

walks
out the door.  It might be my imagination, but I think I see little 
stars
floating around her as she quietly closes the door.

Huh?

RANMA: Maybe I shouldn't have slugged her in the head like that....

"Are you okay?" She asks me, carefully looking me over, "we were so

over.  "We

I whisper, "I'm sorry.  I....everything just surprised me and...I 
don't
know,"  I hang my head down.  I must have messed up so bad.  Now I 

know."

I'm confused, why does she want to know that?  I whisper, "February
17'th," Akane's big smile seems out of place, "Why are you smiling 

17th."
(or, preferably)
seventeenth."

place.  "Why

"Because, imouto, I wanted to see who was older,"  she smiles

older."  She

I blush, and nod.  Akane smiles happily again and whispers in my ear, 

This is like the fourth instance of "whisper" in this scene. Try to use
a little more variety.

Akane waves to her older sister, "Just carrying my imouto to the 

sister.

table,
like I always wanted to,"  She calmly replies.  I can tell she's 

to," she

A scared Akane looks into my face, "Are you okay, Ranma?  You're as 

face.

"Thank you," I whisper.

Five!

Well, it's more like Akane is running, and I'm being dragged.  But 
it's
still fun.  She tells me all these horror stories about some wierd 

weird

pervert
named Kuno who made some wierd challenge to her, and another pervert

weird

Just as the school comes into view, she starts chanting some kind of
mantra.  Something doesn't bode well for the mass of males crowding 
in
front of the gate, "I hate boys I hate boys I really really hate 

gate.  "I

boys"

boys."

I almost think that I'm going to be used as a battering ram, before 
Akane
throws me up in the air.  I didn't think I weighed this little.  I 
watch
in amazement as Akane finishes off beating up the boys, making a 
complete
mess of unconscious bodies, just in time to catch me on my way down.  
*boy
is she good...* I think as she sets me down carefully.

*Boy, is she good...*

We start to walk towards the front doors, when Akane catches two 
things
that were thrown to, or is it at?, her.

Suggest:
to (or is it at?) her.

"Who dare challenges Tatewaki Kuno this way?"  the boy cries out.  He
appears from behind a tree, and I can see him fairly clearly.  A male 
half
japanese teenager, almost seventeen years old, decent build, smooth

half-Japanese
(Capitalize a specific nationality. By the way, how would Ranma be able
to tell if Kuno were only half Japanese?)

moving, but not too intelligent.  He's also carrying a wooden sword 
of
some kind. I guess my fathers quick appraisal classes came in handy, 

father's

"I do, same as I do every day," the girl replies, fairly miffed.  She
steps out from behind another tree, closer to the school, and on the 
other
side of the sidewalk.  She appears to be half japanese also, sixteen 
and a
half years old, graceful, gentle, and fairly smart, for a blonde.  

Ranma, evidently, needs to be introduced to Krista Perry and Doug
MacDougall. :)  No, seriously, why would he have stereotypical American
attitudes toward blondes? Happosai seems like he's a pretty
equal-opportunity pervert; he treats all women badly. :)

The girl, however, looks at me.

and stares at me.

And

Akane whispers in my ear, "Ranma-chan, you really should have worn a 

ear.

The girl, somehow, picks her jaw up off of the floor, walks over to 
me,
and kneels at my feet.  She proclaims, loudly, "The flower of beauty 
is
such; That a bloom might take forever to bloom," She continues with 

bloom." She

The girl turns and glares at him, "At least I can say it with style, 

him.

I'm going to stop making specific punctuation corrections, since it's
all just more of the same. If you're still not sure how it should go,
look in a grammar guide for the proper way to punctuate quoted dialog.

Akane says in my ear, as I watch the two fighting, "Kuno is the 
champion
of the boys kendo club here.  Kinuko is pretty new, though.  She came 
here
almost two months ago from journeying in china.  At first everyone 

China.
(Proper name of a specific country, so capitalize.)

"She's good..." I whisper...eyes locked on the graceful form of 
Kinuko as
she fought.

fights.
(You're writing in present tense, so be consistent.)

Akane sighs as Kuno is batted around like the proverbial mouse.  
Akane
whispers in my ear, "Kinuko has been to jusenkyou like you, Ranma-

Jusenkyou
(capitalize the name of a specific place)

The day is over, and everyone heads home from school.  Akane and 
Ranma
head back to the Tendo Dojo.  Kuno runs off to his mansion.  

How does Ranma know where Kuno's going?

I get home from school, earlier than usual.  I walk into the reading 
room,
and pull a book entitled, "Ferocious Felines" half way out of the 

halfway

Ranma likes cats.  The circle, prepared, stands ready, glowing 
faintly in
the light.

Three instances of "glow" in two paragraphs. I have no problem with the
repetition of "Ranma likes cats," because it serves to show us how
whatsername is obsessing over the fact. But for the magical ritual, you
could really use some more vivid and varied description to make it come
alive in the reader's mind.

For almost an hour I stand there, pretending to listen to my mothers

mother's

Three gods sit laughing in their chairs, pointing at the little girl 
that
used a mischief making spell.

mischief-making

One god sits apart from his fellow deities.  He stares at the little 
group
of people, held in a timeless dimension, two of which have already 
left.

two of whom have already
("which" would be more appropriate if you weren't talking about people)

"I have come here to ask you something,"  Cologne continues, "and I 
hope
you do not consider it rude.  What did you think of the amazon girl

Amazon

She hops on her walking stick about 5 feet, away from the house, and 

about five feet,
(write out numbers in words, unless they're very large)

I await the flames!!!

FIRE! Fire's cool! Heh heh heh heh...

*ahem* Oh. Sorry. Anyway....

Overall impressions: the descriptive writing is quite good in some
places -- the scene in the first chapter where Ranma reacts to Tofu's
touch stands out in particular -- but overall it seems a little thin,
and too repetitive. You don't need it everywhere, but in spots where you
want to call the readers' attention to something, it really helps.

As for the story, while it's an interesting concept, I have trouble
sympathizing with this version of Ranma. You're showing him as very
vulnerable, which is fine, but the problem I have is that he isn't
showing any character strengths that would ever be able to overcome his
vulnerabilities. He seems to fall back and whine to himself at any sign
of adversity. And that too would be fine if the story was going to force
him to learn to stand up for himself, but I don't see that happening as
long as he has the Tendo sisters -- and possibly Ms. Catgirl as well,
though that remains to be seen -- protecting him.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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