Just a few short comments.
"Cute Kitsune Kaydee The Goddess Of Sex And Perversion And Exhibitionism" <fox1@colla.com> writes:
[...]
Ranma watched as Akane sat in the lawn chair looking at him now. 'What did I
ever see in her?' , he thought.
You'd normally only punctuate once, directly before the closing
punctuation mark. For example,
'What did I ever see in her?' he thought.
'Ranma, just curl up and die!' Akane screamed.
'I'm not even supposed to be in this fic today,' Dante whined.
Note that when you're linking a quotation with the rest of the
sentence, and it would otherwise be the end of a sentence, use a
comma. You only use a period to terminate a quotation when you're also
terminating the enclosing sentence:
Cologne was distracted, occupied with her plotting. 'I'd be a better
Illpalazo than Keitaro. I'll just have to show that Sommer
person the fruits of 3000 years of Amazon history.' She
started calculating which of the Ultimate Seduction
techniques should be unveiled.
Ranma laughed. "Sit down Shan Pu now!"
Shampoo blinked and quickly sat in a lawn chair.
[...]
The girls sat there and Ukyo and Shan , getting somewhat bored , pulled out
their pokeballs and started a pokemon battle.
You should be consistent on what you're calling Shampoo.